


Schooling Pride

by AnaChromystic



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Rivalry, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:14:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 174,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7942579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnaChromystic/pseuds/AnaChromystic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellie Lavellan's gotten into Haine, a top-tier University, sacrificing art school for a full ride scholarship to arguably the best school in Thedas.  She doesn't fit in, she doesn't even really want to be there, but opportunities like this don't come around all that often.  A less than ideal situation made all the worse by the fact that she keeps running into what must be the worst person she's ever encountered in her life.  An entitled, self-absorbed law school fratboy nightmare with a stick up his ass and the family from hell itself.</p><p>Too bad they can't seem to keep their hands off of each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

The autumn air was just starting to get chill, but the sun was fully out, keeping things warm enough to not need a jacket. The three of them had claimed the same table they always had last year for a quick afternoon catch up, watching the new students milling awkwardly with their parents, getting settled in. It had been a rather long summer, and being at college again was a welcome relief from the assault that was his family.

Then again, it seemed Cassandra was in a bit of a mood, and so Solas was in for a bit more assault. He couldn't remember her being this preachy last year.

“I think you need to relax, Cassandra.” Sebastian suggested comfortably, heavy brogue thick and slow. “You're going to be giving yourself a heart attack one of these days if you keep getting up in arms over every little thing.”

“He does have a point.” Solas interjected, weathering the narrow glare it garnered him while hiding a smirk. “Not all of us can spend our summers righting wrongs and mucking out orphanages, or whatever it was that so occupied you.”

“I was not...!” Cassandra started, and then sighed heavily, leaning back in her seat as they laughed. “It never fails to confuse me how two highly intelligent men can be content living like fools.”

“With you living such a good and virtuous life, I just assumed I was here to balance out the scales a bit.” Sebastian declared, and then laughed again as she rolled her eyes. “Oh, calm down, Cassandra. Life's hard enough without you going and making it harder on yourself. Why not enjoy it while you have the chance?”

“I believe you enjoy it enough for the both of us.” She responded tartly, heaving a sigh and glancing over her shoulder as a new batch of confused freshmen wandered across the quad. “I have no idea how either of you manage to pass your courses as well as you do.”

“I beg your pardon. I work quite diligently.” Solas followed her gaze idly, mind already wandering on from the conversation. It was amusing to tease Cassandra, but he never cared to push it as far as Sebastian did. “I'm even volunteering tomorrow morning.”

“Volunteering, or getting a few early picks while they're still bright and shiny?” Sebastian suggested, and then grinned at the dirty look Cassandra gave him. “I'll have you know I was in the top ten percent last year, and I plan to do the same again. Speaking of...Doctor Moore told me to come by her office and do a bit of...catching up. Don't be waiting up for me, now.”

The noise Cassandra made was pure disgust, but Sebastian just chuckled lazily, pulling himself to his feet and sauntering off across the quad. Solas kept his peace, at least until the Nevarran woman turned her gaze on him, and he was forced to hide a smile. They held each other's attention for a few moments, her lips tightened into a line of disapproval.

“He only says those things to tease you.” He finally relented under the unyielding assault, and she heaved a long sigh. “I still don't know why you continue to put up with us.”

“Sometimes I wonder.” She confessed, and they shared a smile at last until she shook her head and glanced away, reaching for her coffee. “Someone has to keep an eye on you, Solas.”

“Me? What about Sebastian?” He asked, leaning back in his seat and tucking a foot up on the opposite knee, fighting back the instinctive offense at the idea he needed oversight. “I am entirely capable of tending to myself, you know.”

“Sebastian is harmless.” The look of disbelief he gave her roused a faint laugh from Cassandra, short and amused, nearly brusque. “That is not me agreeing with his descent into...questionable morality, but I have never been one to judge what two consenting adults do. He is not a predator, and that is better than some.”

“So the man that spent his entire summer, and I quote, 'doing charity work testing gag reflexes'...” He paused for the inevitable 'ugh', and then continued with the edge of a smile, “Is somehow more trustworthy than I am?”

“I said nothing about trustworthiness, Solas.” She used the name rather deliberately, and after a moment he sighed and inclined his head. “You are the one who said I should remind you if you get a bit...”

It was a reminder, and one he had asked for, but he wasn't comfortable with it any longer. He had been insistent before that he would change back to his birth name, but...circumstances had changed. Finally, it seemed as if his uncle was coming around, and he wasn't going to jeopardize it by throwing a fit over something so pointless. In the end, did it really matter? Was it worth the risk?

“I have been rethinking changing my name.” He confessed, and she raised an eyebrow at him, fingers tapping against her coffee cup. “I don't wish to alienate my aunt and uncle. I do not entirely agree with the sentiment behind it, but...”

“It is your name, and your choice. It is only worrying that you seem to be going back on so many things that you said you absolutely would not do, as of late.” Cassandra replied pointedly, and he gave an irritated sigh. “The wasting money like your cousins, pulling back from your promises, the debauchery and fighting...Solas. I am only concerned. You know that.”

“Why shouldn't I enjoy not being the pariah of the family for once in my life, Cassandra?” He asked her, and she sighed, heavily. “So I enjoyed my summer, perhaps I need to relax a little bit more. Weren't you the one who told me I was taking everything too seriously?”

“I wasn't aware that getting in fist fights and bragging about your conquests was how you planned to relax.” She replied shortly, and then sighed and began to rise. “Never mind. It is not my place to say anything. Just...try not to lose yourself too much.”

“I will try to take that advice in the spirit it was given.” He couldn't help the slight bite of irritation in his voice, but she only shook her head and then waved as she headed off.

He was only half insulted, quite honestly. He respected Cassandra's judgment, even if she was a bit too heavy handed at times. It'd gotten worse last year, but he was hardly of a mind to turn away one of the few people he could trust. They were few and far between, especially here. He was all too aware what the other sort of 'friends' looked like, all he had to do was observe the hordes of toadies that followed his cousins around.

Why they thought anyone actually liked them, he had no idea.

It's not as if they had any redeeming values between the lot of them. Sometimes it was difficult being the only person in that household of any value. Well, at least Mythal and his uncle had him, they could trust that he wouldn't fail them like everyone else had.

He expected better out of Sylaise, but apparently that had been a mistake.

It seemed he was the only one willing to step up and do what needed to be done.

 

 

 

 

Ellie wasn't really digging the college experience.

She was spending every single minute since she'd left home second guessing the decisions that had brought her here. Her stepdad Mac was still disappointed in her, but mom was over the moon, and Deshanna...well, Keeper was satisfied she was 'taking this seriously'. She didn't have the heart to tell her she kind of...wasn't.

Out of all of it, she felt worst about disappointing Mac. He'd been so good about encouraging her to apply to the art school and everything, and he'd been so happy when she'd gotten in. She had been, too, but...apparently this was more important than what she wanted.

It was weird. She was the only one out of Lavellan that'd gotten the scholarship, and she still didn't quite know how. Her earlier grades were pretty abysmal until she'd turned it around, she didn't have that many extracurriculars, and this hadn't even been her first choice. It made her kind of uncomfortable, considering how much stock people put in this place. She had a suspicion she was only here because she was Dalish and First, which sort of made her feel crummy.

And it sort of devalued how hard the others had worked.

At least she knew the other Dalish students, even if just vaguely. Sabrae had three, which was cool, and Neria was here from Ralaferin, though she was more busy making contacts than hanging with them. Not a surprise, Ralaferin was all about education and sharing of culture and whatever, blah blah blah. It was sort of a surprise to see Velanna here, she was just sort of radiating uncomfortable hostility.

They'd never gotten along, but her sister was nice enough.

She'd already found Lanaya, though, right off, and they stuck together as the others gathered for the tour group. Granted, they were all sticking together even if they hadn't been friends before. Hard not to stick out when you were all wearing vallaslin on a campus full of bare faces and old money.

“Keeper says they'll get used to us. In a few weeks there probably won't be any more staring and whispering, or whatever.” Ellie remarked, reaching up to scratch her ear, uncomfortably.

She was dubious about having chosen to get the fourth and fifth holes, but Mira had really wanted to get hers pierced before she'd left, so they'd done it together. She'd just sort of went overboard. Mini rebellion, maybe. They were going to be staring at her anyways, might as well give them a reason. Which was...also why she'd gotten her lip pierced. The labret thing had been a lot worse than getting her nose done, but it wasn't as bad as the navel.

She was regretting not getting her tongue done, now that she was here in actuality, getting eyeballed. At least then they'd have something to look at when she stuck it out at them.

“Somehow I doubt that.” Velanna sniped brusquely, and then gave a long sigh. “I do not care. I came here to get an education, not be cowed by a bunch of spoiled brats. Let the shems stare.”

“Calling them that certainly won't possibly increase any potential hostility, will it?” The voice was sinuously smooth and aloof, and she spun around to face it, dragging Lanaya with her.

Okay, hot. All...angles and admittedly a pretty gorgeous mouth, and blue eyes that she was pretty sure were the exact shade of a really early morning in spring, when it was thinking about raining. He also looked like he'd found all of them on the bottom of his (probably overpriced) shoe, which sort of negated any potential attraction. Her asshole alarm was going off.

And then she noticed the embroidery on his shirt. Okay. Asshole fratboy. Even better.

But...well, at least he wasn't bad to look at.

“Well...” He continued cooly, before any of them had time to say anything. “I suppose we should get this over with. Do try not to antagonize anyone on your first day.”

Her mouth was stupid. She couldn't help it. The instant her gaze had dropped from his face to check if the shoes were indeed as overpriced as she thought they might be, she'd noticed the name tag and bothered to read it. Okay, that had to be a joke. Right? That had to be a...

The loud, stifled 'snrk' escaped her, and he turned his gaze coldly to her. She clapped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late, she was laughing, shoulders shaking. And then Lanaya was trying not to laugh, and then everyone else was trying to figure out what they thought was so funny.

“Sorry...sorry...it's just...” She cackled, as he sighed disgustedly, “Please tell me that's just a really bad joke, and not...”

The glare he narrowed at her icily was enough to tell her that it wasn't, but that just made it funnier.

“Oh gosh...” One of the girls from Sabrae remarked, the only one of them that apparently didn't find it hilarious. Lyna was pretty dry, humor-wise, so she was probably just better at hiding it. “I'm fairly certain my Keeper wouldn't like me following you. No offense. I'm just really not supposed to let you hear my steps, Fen'harel.”

Okay, that did it. Now they were all laughing, even Velanna. And he was just looking more disgusted by the second, cold and closed-off and scornful.

But, seriously, okay?

It must have been some sort of nasty joke of the administration to assign fucking Fen'harel to give a tour to the Dalish students.

 

 

 

He was going to kill whoever assigned him this tour group. As far as jokes went, this was the absolute worst he'd ever encountered. They didn't even seem to care that he obviously didn't find their little quips amusing. Especially not the degenerate loudmouth leading the pack. It was incredible how much he could dislike someone when they'd only just met. She seemed to hit all of his buttons.

“When they told me that the Dread Wolf would take me, I didn't realize they meant to the dining hall.” One of the students quipped, the girl holding his hand giving his side a little slap.

It didn't help that she was grinning.

“Oh come on.” The degenerate ringleader commented, Marcher brogue similar, but lighter than Sebastian's. He let his gaze slowly shift towards her. It didn't seem to be intimidating her as much as it was supposed to. “You've gotta admit, it's a little bit funny.”

“I need to do nothing of the sort.” He replied irritably, feeling his nerves growing a bit strained. They were almost done, he just had to keep it in mind. “I am aware that manners may have not been stressed in your upbringing, but perhaps you could make some effort to adapt to your surroundings...if such a thing is possible.”

He couldn't help the brief once-over, though he tried to keep it distant and disapproving. It was difficult to do so in the face of the lively grin, the bright and amused eyes, something irritatingly magnetic about her. It was easier to focus on the rest to reinforce his annoyance, the artfully ripped jeans, the excessive piercings, the worn-out hooded sweatshirt. The complete lack of anything resembling class, and she'd made absolutely no effort to try and fit in. It was as if she'd dressed specifically to insult the school that she'd _somehow_ wormed her way into.

He couldn't imagine that they'd possibly _earned_ their places here, or paid for them. They were Dalish, after all.

“Hey, buddy.” She replied, the grin only growing more impish in the face of his disdain, almost as if feeding off of it. “Where's the wood shop?”

The question was so strange that he paused for a moment, before shaking his head and continuing on with a brisk stride. The faster he moved, the sooner it would be over.

“This is a top tier university, not a backwoods high school, we do not have a wood shop.” Almost over. This disaster of a tour was almost over.

Hopefully they'd all be failed out by spring.

“Huh. Then where'd you find that two by four you've got lodged up your ass?” She replied cheerfully, and then laughed as he jerked his head around to stare at her. “Ah, I'm just fucking with you. Relax, slugger.”

She fisted a small hand and bopped him on the shoulder, and then kept walking as he stopped again to watch her, stunned by the sheer audacity. His mind was blank, completely blank, all he could do was watch as the rest of the students parted around him and kept walking, chattering between each other with casual ease.

What...what a _strange_ woman.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sneaking back in was an old habit, so old that Ellie didn't stop to think that she didn't need to until she was halfway up the dorm stairs. Right. Not in highschool any more. Rolling her eyes at herself, she continued up the stairs, pleasantly sore thighs giving a small twinge of discomfort every step.  
That and the slight headache were the only repercussions of a pretty damn fun night, so she was feeling good about it.

“You look like hell, Lavellan.” Lyna informed her from the top bunk as she pushed open their door and wandered in, cracking a long yawn. “I appreciate having the room to myself, but if you're sleeping on the streets...”

“Oh, shut up, Mahariel.” She retorted amusedly, dropping her shopping bags on the bottom bunk. “I found this amazing thrift store yesterday, and the girl working there invited me to a show last night. It was pretty good.”

“The show or the girl?” Lyna asked, and she gave a sleepy laugh in response. “Just don't tell Velanna, or she'll be up your ass again about 'showing an appropriate public face'. She's starting to get sick of your crap, you know she wants to start a student association.”

“She's really getting into this whole leadership thing. Out of spite, I think. Worse reasons, I guess, she might do some good.” Ellie agreed, dumping out her bags and picking an outfit out of the tangle of clothes. “If your shirt's ripped to hell, it's okay if you're wearing a bra underneath, right?”

“For me? Probably not. You can get away with it, though.” Lyna replied, turning a page in her book. “Don't you have work?”

“Yeah, I meant for work.” She replied absently, pulling out an old band t-shirt that was slashed across the chest, and a pair of skin-tight plaid pants. “They don't care. It's a freaking college bookstore coffee shop. They think I'm cute and _edgy_.”

She leaned on the last word a little bit, probably a bit snidely. This place was starting to get to her, honestly, but unlike Velanna, she'd decided she'd rather stick out more than force herself in. Fuck it. She was never going to be not Dalish. Let them stare. She'd be happy to give them all sorts of reasons. She wasn't gonna flunk out, her classes were way too easy for that, but she wasn't going to waste all her time being miss perfect, either.

“Gee, Lavellan, you're so cool. I think I'll trade in my cardigans and go tits out like you.” Lyna drawled, completely deadpan, and she laughed again. “Text me if you're going to disappear all night?”

“I probably will be. Found this really great bar. I'll let you know.” She replied, shimmying out of her dirty clothes and tossing them into a hamper. She hadn't done her laundry since school started, but whatever. “I think I got invited to a frat party yesterday, too, I was hung over and not listening. Hey I thought frats were supposed to be fun. Why are they all boring here?”

“They're for making contacts for the next generation of business and politics assholes. They're serious crap here.” Tamlen remarked, popping his head out of the blanket. She rolled her eyes, pulling on her shirt hurriedly as Lyna pushed on his head. “Not like I haven't seen it before!”

“Control your wench!” She ordered Lyna, who gave a small snort and went back to her book. Yanking up her pants, she danced into them, and then sucked in to zip them up. Tight. “Okay, okay. I probably only sort of smell like cigarettes. I did have a shower this morning. Should be good.”

“You told me to remind you to study this weekend.” Lyna reminded her, and she gave a small huff of annoyance, scraping her hair back and yanking it up into a ponytail. “Well, you did. You have a test on Monday.”

“Okay, okay, okay, I'll take a book.” She relented, moving to the dresser and grabbing her messenger bag, shoving a notebook and a copy of her intro to anthropology book into it. Ugh. Heavy. “Merrill found a soup kitchen she wants to volunteer at next weekend, I told her I'd go.”

“I'll go if I have time, but I probably won't.” Lyna replied distractedly, lifting a hand to wave. “My course load's like twice yours.”

“Yeah, masochist. Bye. Bye, Tamlen. Don't have sex on my bed.” She called in a sing-song, throwing on a flannel shirt and slinging her bag over it.

“Bye, Ellie, already did.” Tamlen replied as she shoved her feet into her boots and stomped out. “Don't headbutt anyone while you're out, thug!”

“No promises.” She replied, ducking into the hall, reaching into her bag for her eyeliner and headphones. “Some people need headbutting!”

If she was lucky, she'd be able to do her makeup on her way there. Right, out into the fray. Get the walk going, girl. She didn't dress like this to blend into the fucking crowd.

Lead with the hip, chin down, eyes up. Prowl. Walk like you know they're looking. Because they are.

All eyes on you.

 

 

 

“Why exactly are you still here?” It was rude, Solas realized that, but there were too many things on his mind to worry about insulting someone who he was quite certain he'd asked to leave an hour ago.

If anything, the girl still sitting in his bed should be the one concerned about rudeness. He knew she wasn't hard of hearing, so at this point he was pretty firmly certain she'd just ignored him. She stared at him, and he returned the stare for a few moments before sighing, leaning down, and picking up her shoes from next to the door.

The clatter as they hit the floor out in the hall was loud in the continuing silence, and he stepped back and opened the door a little wider. Impatiently he gestured after them, and she finally rose, with a withering look, and stomped after them.

“Asshole.” She hissed, and he rolled his eyes, closing the door the instant she was past the threshold.

Of course, he was the asshole, not the woman who'd ignored his very polite request that she go away. He'd been perfectly nice about it. His manners were flawless, a fact he was aware of. He wasn't surprised when his door opened about thirty seconds later, Sebastian poking his head in, laughing.

“I'm perfectly polite.” He declared instantly, which only made the other man laugh all the more. He rolled his eyes, turning for his desk. “I asked her to leave over an hour ago.”

“You should have heard the things she was calling you. Something something I don't care who his family is.” Sebastian replied around a chuckle, and then when he sighed, relented. “It is funny, Solas. You really need to work on your morning after skills, my friend. This isn't the first time this has happened.”

“I asked her to leave!” He protested yet again, pulling his glasses case out from under a book and thumbing it open. “I was unaware there was other protocol for such things. I thought being polite was sufficient. You never seem to have this issue.”

“You have a lot to learn. The trick is to make them think they want to leave, not the other way around. Come on, I want coffee.” Sebastian urged, grinning a little wider as he pulled on his glasses and turned to give him a disapproving look. “I don't feel like making any.”

“You are completely transparent.” He replied, shaking his head and turning back to the desk. “But I could use the fresh air. I am a bit tired, and I doubt I'll be able to sleep much tonight. I cannot wait until this is over and I can focus.”

“It's two weeks into the year. When are you going to be able to relax if not now?”

As always, Sebastian seemed to easily prod him out of the house. Sometimes he wondered if he'd do anything besides study if not for him. Cassandra certainly didn't help, last time they'd managed to get her to a party, she spent the entire time standing in the corner glaring at everyone. As if she were afraid the very act of having fun would ruin her GPA.

She was taking this more seriously than any of them.

The walk to campus proper didn't take too long, even being interrupted now and again. People were looking forward to the party tonight. He...supposed he was as well. They were enjoyable in the moment, especially after a few drinks, and the theatrics and intrigues were amusing. It just seemed as if in the morning, without fail, he found the aftermath a bit lacking.

“So...dare I ask who it is this time? Are we indulging in another proper infatuation, or is this just an amusing chase?” He asked Sebastian as they crossed the quad.

“Not sure yet, I'll be sure to let you know when I discover which.” Sebastian admitted cheerfully, giving a low, easy laugh. “Novelty, at the very least. A bit different than the usual fare around this damned place.”

“Sometimes I think Cassandra is right about you.” Solas informed him, as the other man grabbed the door to the book shop and opened it wide for him.

“Shame on you. At least I don't scorn the art of the chase and still take the girls to bed when they come crawling all over me. I make sport of it, you're just lazy. No one gets hurt.” Sebastian declared, smirking as he moved past him, heading for the counter across the store, lifting his voice to call out, “My own dear treasure, I've missed you terribly.”

Shaking his head, Solas followed, letting the door swing closed behind him. He didn't precisely agree with the sentiment, but as far as he could tell, Sebastian was being fairly honest about the not being hurt part of it all.

“Oh. The Starkhaven guy again.” The voice, vaguely familiar, he couldn't place until he'd finally approached the counter himself and took in the sight.

Oh. The Dalish girl.

Well, Sebastian certainly had...unique taste. Somehow, she seemed to have gotten even more degenerate since he'd seen her two weeks ago. Not that he was looking any more than strictly necessary. Unfortunately, she seemed to have designed her entire look, if one could call it that, to demand attention.

“The Starkhaven guy? What a thing to call your future lover.” Sebastian sighed, leaning a hip against the counter. “I'll forgive you this time, provided you come to the party tonight I was telling you about.”

He frowned when her gaze flicked across him, the corner of her mouth tugging up into the barest hint of a smile, eyes crinkling at the corners. He didn't care for it, that sly little twist of her lips, remembering the casual insults she'd thrown at him last time they'd met.

“Yeah, I don't know...” She sighed, leaning against the counter herself, propping her chin up on her hand. “Doesn't really seem like my scene. Besides, I won't know anyone.”

He tried to ignore the fact that the shift of her hips and the slumped posture stuck her rear end in the air. Didn't she know how to dress? Again, it seemed to be entirely, and deliberately provocative. In more than one way.

“You'll know me.” Sebastian countered, and then, regrettably, gestured towards him. “And my friend. Have you met? This is...”

“We've met.” She interrupted, that amused, vibrant voice full of restrained laughter. Cupping a hand around her mouth, shielding it away from him, she theatrically whispered to Sebastian, “I'm not supposed to talk to him.”

“And why's that?” Sebastian asked, leaning in a little closer, as she grinned a slow, feline grin.

“My mom told me he eats little Dalish girls.” She replied slyly, casting a wink aside at Solas.

Caught between complete and utter disapproval, and the suddenly aroused betrayal of his own body, he settled for glaring at her coldly. She bit down on her bottom lip, still grinning broadly, and held eye contact for a few moments before beginning to laugh. Again, his mind noticed distantly, as he crossed his arms across his chest, the sound brought some traitorous warmth that had little to do with logic. It could be ignored.

“I feel as if I've missed something.” Sebastian confessed, glancing between them.

“Only a joke in very, very poor taste.” He replied, attempting to keep his voice scornfully frigid. “To absolutely no one's surprise.”

“He's being mean to me.” The delinquent pouted at Sebastian, and then sighed and pushed up from the counter, thankfully taking that...distracting rear end out of view. “Okay, what do you two want to drink?”

“I'll get a latte, dear heart, and your promise that you'll come to the party tonight.” Sebastian sighed, and then added, “I promise I'll protect you from him. You can even stay the night.”

“How sweet of you! Let me guess, there's a vacancy in your bed!” Her voice was cheerful, rather than coquettish, amused and playful. The smile even remained as she shifted her gaze to him, as undaunted as ever by his frown, even if her voice was flatter. “You want something?”

“Just a single shot.” He replied, considering that the walk hadn't quite chased away the drowsiness. It was going to be a long night.

“You haven't told me yet if you'll come or not. It will be awfully lonely without you.” Sebastian remarked, before she could respond to him.

He found that a bit amusing. Not that Sebastian would get upset with him, but he was rather thoroughly trying to keep the attention on himself. He wasn't sure why. He could have her, it wasn't as if Solas was interested.

“I suppose I might. But you're gonna need a lot of lube.” She replied musingly, tugging a cup off the stack and turning towards the machine. Her words were deliberately casual, as if she were discussing the weather. “I really like fucking guys up the ass. I mean... _really_. Eight inches or go home, am I right?”

There was silence for a few moments, as she made the latte. Sebastian glanced at him, and he shrugged helplessly. What was he supposed to say? Somehow, from the edge of a smile she was hiding almost well enough, he had a feeling this was exactly what she'd intended.

“Well, you only live once.” Sebastian finally concluded, and she burst into laughter. “You'll just have to be gentle with me. I'm very delicate.”

“I'll keep that in mind, Starkhaven.” She replied, that charming, wholehearted laughter still spilling over her words. As she turned back to get another cup, their eyes met briefly, and despite himself they shared a tiny smile.

By the time he realized he was doing so, she'd moved on.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for all the emails reposting this will cause. I should have it all back up by next Friday. Thanks for understanding.
> 
> And thank you for all the kind words. <3 And for those of you who have sent emails and well wishes in other ways, thank you. I will respond when I feel up to it. I'm shockingly terrible at expressing myself, for a writer. :P


	3. Chapter 3

At some point in the evening, as always seemed to happen, the party had become more irritating than enjoyable. It had been happening more and more lately, listening to people talk about things he should care about, but didn't. Not that he couldn't navigate it, that was hardly the issue, but it just wasn't engaging.

Solas had gone outside for a breath of air, and had been followed, as he had been all night. The girl at his side was persistent, but she didn't seem to mind that he wasn't in the least bit interested in what she had to say. Either that or she hadn't noticed that he hadn't responded very much. She was doing a rather good job of holding up both sides of the conversation alone.

He was idly watching the road from the porch as one of the blobs of shadow separated, into a figure he unfortunately knew. Light caught off of piercings, reflected in her eyes in the darkness, until she managed to approach the circle of illumination properly, hands in the pockets of her leather jacket.

She seemed amused to see him. He was not amused to see her.

“And here I'd hoped you wouldn't show.” He decided, lifting his drink as her lips quirked up into that infuriating, sly smile. His words interrupted his companion mid-sentence, and she stared between them, drawing herself up. “You seem appear pleased with yourself.”

“Sort of wishing I'd brought earplugs so I could enjoy the view without having to listen to you.” She replied impishly, giving him an idle once-over that made him vaguely uncomfortable, and then vaguely...well, other things. “But we can't all get what we want.”

“Umh...excuse me?” The girl he'd been speaking...well, listening to interjected, and he fell silent to see how she handled it. Curiosity, more than anything. “We are having a private conversation here.”

“So take it somewhere private.” The Dalish girl suggested cheerfully, and then laughed at the offended look, which of course was turned up to him expectantly. “Sorry, but you're literally standing outside. Just saying.”

“She has a point.” He allowed, and then added, as the look turned into a glare, offering her the very faintest hint of a smile that managed to chase away the frown. “Well, it is hardly an appropriate venue for a... _private_ conversation.”

He could feel the radiating amusement from the bottom of the stairs as...well, he honestly couldn't remember her name. Lila? Lily...something smiled back at him, ducking her head a little and pulling at the edge of his sleeve.

“So...let's go somewhere private.” She suggested, and then cast a glare back down the stairs at the faint 'snrk' from the Dalish girl, voice turning hard. “Alone.”

“I'll catch up in a moment.” He replied, removing his sleeve from her grip with another faint smile. She returned it, and then rolled her eyes at another faint snicker from the Dalish girl and turned away, stomping off. He waited until the front door slammed to continue speaking, keeping his voice cold “There is a dress code for these sorts of things, you know.”

“Seriously? That's hilarious. Like, the pretension is through the roof.” The Dalish girl laughed, leaning against the railing at the bottom of the stairs, hip cocked, a hand resting on the curve of it. “I'm just here to pick something up, though. Sorry to disappoint, you won't get to throw me out.”

“I will try to restrain myself.” He replied coldly, and yet again, found it had absolutely no effect on her smile other than to turn it mischievous. It rankled. “What is it about me that you seem to find so amusing? It's obvious I find you to be completely obnoxious.”

“Obnoxious! I like that. You're not wrong.” She laughed, again without any sort of restraint whatsoever, eyes crinkling at the corners, voice slowing comfortably, warm and languid. “Is it so weird that I'm friendly? I'm friendly to everyone. It's not like there's many elves around here anyways, might as well get along, right?”

“I wouldn't say I have much in common...with other elves.” He replied,with disinterested scorn in his voice. Again, it only made her smile, which for some reason he was beginning to find infuriating. Why should a simple smile make him so angry? “Especially not those who seem to find it amusing to be disrespectful of the undeserved opportunity they have received.”

“I don't know...” She started, but this time the laugh that spilled over her words was less than amused. It should feel like a victory, but it didn't. “If I should be impressed you're wasting so much energy trying to make me dislike you, or what. Congratulations, you've been upgraded from asshole to dick, and incidentally, you're coming pretty close to condescending prick.”

She leaned on the last word deliberately, thickening her accent for a moment. He just met her stare, holding it cooly until she lifted an eyebrow, and then shook his head with a faint sigh.

“It's certainly not my fault if you're too tone deaf to properly appreciate the condescension. With any luck, another opportunity will not present itself.” He replied, and she grinned, ferally. Again, not the reaction he was expecting. “What?”

“I just think it's...cute you're standing out here talking to me...when you find me so obnoxious...when you _could_ be in there getting laid. She was pretty hot in a catalogue sort of way.” She replied slyly, then glanced up and over when the front door opened. “Ah! There you are.”

He tried to regain his composure as those coyly amused eyes shifted away from him, the stab of irritation a bit stronger this time.

“I'm terribly sorry, my dear heart, hard to get away from the admirers.” Sebastian replied cheerfully, meeting his suspicious look with a hint of a grin. “But it looks like you had company. What are my chances of getting you to stay, Ellana?”

“Next to none, Starkhaven. I promised I'd meet someone downtown.” She replied, reaching into a pocket and fishing out a few folded bills. “I was told I don't meet the dress code or class requirements, anyways. Appreciate the help, promise I won't need to ask you again.”

“Ah, happy to help out a friend.” Sebastian replied amiably after a sidelong look at him, casually trading her a plastic bag for the money. “Though you know it's legal here. You could have just gone to the shop yourself.”

“They won't take my clan ID. Which is totally bizarre, but that's apparently life in city! I'll get used to it eventually.” The Dalish girl replied lightly, tucking hair behind her ear with two fingers as it went tumbling forward. He found his gaze tracking the motion, at least until she lifted her eyes and nearly met his. “I'm gonna get out of here before I bring down property values. Thanks.”

“Not a problem, Ellana.” Sebastian replied mildly, crossing arms across his chest.

He wondered if she knew how to simply walk, or if the sway was some sort of artifice for their benefit. She certainly hadn't seemed to be flirting with Sebastian. Ellana. A graceful name for such a graceless creature. He watched until she disappeared into the darkness up the street, and then glanced aside, perhaps a bit more sharply than he'd intended.

“It seems I missed something. What was that all about?” Sebastian asked him curiously. “You know, she's a sweet girl, I wouldn't think you'd be the sort to pick on her, Solas.”

“Me, pick on her? Quite the opposite, I think you'll find.” He retorted brusquely, mind momentarily blank as he stared at his friend. “What a ridiculous accusation. She is a degenerate, loudmouthed, rude...”

“I expect she feels like she doesn't fit in enough without you leaning on her, my friend. You...are being a prig.” Sebastian replied amiably, and then laughed at his slight scowl. “She's fun. Maybe if you didn't stand there staring your nose down at her, she wouldn't be so rude to you.”

“Perhaps if she wasn't so rude to me, I wouldn't stare down my nose at her.” He countered cooly, accepting the nudge against his shoulder with a faint sigh, relaxing. “I have enough issues without having to deal with the fact that you've decided to chase after...”

“She told me she's not interested! Broke my poor little heart, but I'm a good Andrastian lad, I know when no means no instead of keep going.” Sebastian laughed, smoothing a hand back over his hair. “Sure and maybe she's not the right sort of people, but the right sort of people are awfully dull, Solas.”

“Are you calling me dull, Sebastian?” He countered dryly, and then let himself be chivied back into the party.

No point wasting time and energy brooding over some disrespectful brat, no matter how oddly she affected him. He'd never considered himself quick to anger before.

She just seemed to bring something out in him.

 

 

 

She wasn't a fan of school. Still not a fan, never going to be. Especially not taking a whole lot of classes she didn't care about. Ellie didn't really think she wouldn't pass anything, that wasn't really an issue at this point, and she was pretty sure she could stay around the scholarship requirements, too. It wasn't like she was Lyna, diving straight into pre-med and drowning herself in it.

Or like Velanna, determined to force her way into law school as quickly as possible.

Maybe art school would have been different, but here, this stuff, she was satisfied with doing the bare minimum. That probably made her a shitty student, but she really didn't care. The classes were easy, and there was nothing _wrong_ with not being challenged. It's not like she wanted to be here.

She'd been here over a month, and literally had like three or four friends outside their little group of Dalish students. Weird for her, she was sort of used to getting along with anyone and everyone, but people here didn't seem to be receptive. Nobody else in their group seemed to be trying to make friends, honestly, just sort of huddling together. Luckily she was meeting all kinds of cool people in the city, but it would have been nice to know more on campus. Sebastian was pretty awesome, though, he made up for a lot even despite the snobbery. He meant well, and she was pretty sure he didn't actually know when he was doing it. Habit.

She didn't know how he could be friends with that dick Fen'harel.

They'd run into each other a few times now, once or twice with their friend Cassandra, who seemed sweet, if imposing. She'd come into the coffee shop a few times on her own, but seemed to be just as drowning in work as Mahariel. Fen'harel was still, unsurprisingly, a condescending pain in the ass.

And now that she knew _who_ he was, it made more sense. As far as Velanna was concerned, he was the enemy. Ellie was pretty sure he was just kind of a prick, not some evil mastermind, no matter who his family was. Not like some guy in college was running a giant shitty mega-conglomerate corporation.

It would be a lot easier to hate him if all of their freaking bickering every time they ran into each other didn't feel like foreplay. She was starting to think he'd realized it, too, because now he was just avoiding her like the plague. Which was, weirdly, a shame. He was fun to fight with, for the most part, when he didn't push too far. And he did this thing...where he sort of meant to give her a cold look, but she'd realized if she smiled at him just the right way, he'd get lost halfway through and just end up staring at her. It was an interesting stare, because it got sort of...intense, but without the nastiness.

It wasn't exactly a surprise to find she had a thing for him, she'd sort of figured that from the start that it'd end up that way if they spent any time together. She liked jerks, it was a running theme, and he was a hot one. It also wasn't exactly a surprise that he had a thing for her. Too bad he didn't realize it. She figured it was just denial.

It was on her mind, at this particular moment, because she was peering into his window from the roof, autumn breeze making her shiver.

Wasn't the window she was looking for, but she'd realized once she got up here that she didn't realize which room was actually Sebastian's. Most of the others had their curtains drawn. She watched him study for a few seconds, and then rapped on the window briskly, toes curling against the rough shingles. Startled, he jerked his head around, squinting against the darkness.

She tried not to snicker. It was sorta funny, admittedly. She didn't think he'd ignore her, if for no other reason than he'd probably want to know what the hell was going on. And...she was right. After a few seconds she saw his chest rise and fall heavily, and he stood up from his chair, removing his glasses. Shame. She hadn't seen him in them before, but she kinda liked the look.

Settling down on the sharp slope of the roof, she folded her bare legs, skirt riding up to mid-thigh, boots hanging around her neck. The window thumped and rattled as he jerked it up, and glared out at her.

“I don't know which room is Sebastian's.” She informed him with a wicked smile, and he sighed, this time audibly, leaning back and reaching for the window. “Oh come on! Don't be an ass, I'm on your roof!”

“Exactly. I should be calling campus police.” He replied icily, and when she laughed, only glared all the more. “You had to climb the fraternity house, you couldn't call him?”

“I thought this would be more fun! I never had a window big enough to sneak out of as a kid, so no roof climbing.” She declared, grinning to meet his glare, resting an elbow on her knee and plopping her chin in her hand. “A girl I know has a show down in the warehouse district, I wanted to see if he wanted to go.”

“He has company tonight. Now will you leave?” Fen'harel replied, the ice in his tone abruptly turning to frustration when she snickered at him. It was just so funny how pissy he got, making him mad was so _easy_. “What do I have to do to get you to stop smiling at me? I don't understand what exactly you find so amusing. It is disconcerting.”

“You could start by actually walking away for once when I annoy you, instead of sticking around to be annoyed more.” She replied, grinning a little wider as his expression went blank. Hah, she'd caught him. “Do you even notice that you do that? Last time I saw you at the coffee shop you literally bought nothing, you just sneered at me for ten minutes.”

“You were antagonizing me in front of my friends.” He pointed out, but it sounded less frigid than before. She was well aware that she was smirking, because his eyes started narrowing again. “Because you apparently get some sort of personal satisfaction out of it. Why is that?”

“You're asking me a question? Be still my heart.” She teased mockingly, fingers drumming on her cheek as he leaned his elbows on the windowsill. Closest he'd ever gotten to her, she thought, even with the window between them. “It's fun. I like the tension. I think you do, too.”

“I have absolutely no idea why you would think that.” He replied too stiffly to be believable, and gave a sigh of frustration as she grinned at him again. “Stop that.”

“You like it...” She teased slowly, letting the words spill lazily past her lips, enjoying the way it made the irritation leave his eyes, leaving behind a look that sort of...skipped the brain and hit points south. Which was just...proving her point, really, in a really pleasant way. “I'd ask why you think it's such it's such a bad thing that you're attracted to me, but the answer would probably be pretty fucking unflattering, considering. Snob.”

“I am not...” He started, shoulders stiffening, and then relaxing as he finished less sharply, “I am not a snob.”

“Yes you are. You are...the snobbiest snob that ever snobbed.” She replied, voice easy and light, despite the tension in her stomach, the little flutter of nerves that had her head light. This was a different kind of tension, but still fun. “And you're an asshole. Grade A, self-absorbed, spoiled rich bastard asshole.”

“And you are a...disrespectful...degenerate...” He seemed to loose track slightly as she pursed her lips in a silent, mocking 'ooh'. It's not as if he could tell her anything she didn't tell herself, really. “You...you don't belong here, you know.”

“I know. And that bothers you.” She asked curiously, but lazily, unfolding her legs, knees scraping against the rough shingles as she sprawled forward onto her stomach. She plopped her chin back up on her fist, bare feet kicking up. “And that makes you uncomfortable. Stop me if I'm getting too personal.”

From a closer vantage point, peering up at him as he stared down at her, it was impossible to keep the smug smile off her lips. He just stared at her, eyes too dark to be readable, which was a shame. The silence continued as her feet idly swung back and forth, broken when she finally tilted her head to the side.

“You crossed that line quite a while ago.” He grumbled dourly, rousing a laugh from her that for once wasn't meant to tease or irritate him. “Go away, Ellana.”

“Come out and play.” She retorted languidly, with a slow, sly smile.

He almost returned it, she could see it at the corners of his eyes, even if it never made it to his lips. Instead he sighed, pulled back, and closed the window emphatically. So bloody offended, he was. Poor baby. Unable to help herself, she started laughing as he glared at her through the window, finally closing the curtains, blocking her out.

Eventually amusement faded, and she rolled to her feet, wandering back the way she came to scramble down off the roof and head off alone.

His loss.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last section of the chapter was a prompt asking for the opposite perspective of the last part. If it seems somewhat jarring, that's why. I wanted to let you read it, because I have it. :)

It was starting to get chilly on campus, but there were at least a few weeks left until autumn started getting edged out. They were taking advantage of it, claiming a table on top of a small hill, overlooking the quad. Still, the afternoon was getting on, and Ellie was starting to wish she'd worn a heavier jacket. And maybe tights instead of thigh-highs. Her butt was cold.

It'd been a weird morning, news filtering through the Dalish grapevine down to them, though it wasn't really hitting the news. Weird, that, you would think a corporation versus the Ferelden Clan Association would be kind of a big deal. Ellie kind of had a sneaking suspicion that it was one of those 'money' things.

“Keeper Zathrian says...” Lanaya started uncertainly, and then stalled and sighed, pulling off her glasses. “Well, it doesn't really matter now. What's done is done. What can we possibly do?”

“What's done is done? Do you even understand? What has been _done_ is that they're trying to set a precedent here.” Velanna replied sharply, voice gentling as Ellie gave her a bit of a look. Yelling at Lana was _not_ cool. “Set a precedent that they can take us to court and drag our land out from under our feet with enough money. It's disgusting, that's what it is!”

“They haven't even gone to court yet. There's still time, a friend of mine in law school here said these things can take ages.” Ellie pointed out, trying to keep her voice calm and cheerful. “It could all get thrown out! Besides, Lana's right, there's nothing we can do. That section of the Brecilian has kind of been...questionably protected for a long time, remember? Twenty years ago the clan almost lost it, too, remember?”

“There's always something you can do.” Lyna finally spoke up from the head of the table, lifting her head from her book. “But I, for one, don't have time to go raising awareness and protesting, I have med school to worry about. You'll have to campaign without me.”

“This time it's a questionable area, next time it won't be. Precedent! Apathy is...” Velanna started, and then sighed as Ellie gave her another look of disapproval. “Ellana, you don't do anything except run around with shems and disappear for days at a time. Why are you even here? You may not care, but don't act like I shouldn't care, either.”

“Great, if it wasn't enough having everyone else here asking me why the fuck I'm here, now I've got you asking me? Nice solidarity.” She retorted dryly, and Velanna had the grace to look vaguely apologetic. “Vel, I realize you're like...way into this, but Lyna's right, don't you think we should be focusing on the real reason we're here?”

It was hard to resist the urge to twit Velanna, she'd been a huge pain in the ass lately, and they'd never really been friends. Ellie wasn't in the habit of trying to antagonize people as a rule, but she'd just been so...prickly since she'd started here. So was Velanna, which was why she was trying to be understanding, but it kept getting aimed at her. And that was just frustrating.

“Do you know that these...scumbags send their kids to school here? We're going to school with the enemy.” Velanna continued on a new tangent, and Ellie stifled a roll of her eyes, plopping her chin in her hand and pulling out her phone. “One of them's in our year, just transferred in late, and one's in law. That awful condescending ass that gave us our tour, do you remember?”

“Yeah, that guy was hilarious. Dread wolf!” Tamlen remarked, and then ducked at the glares he got for the statement. “Yikes! And we know, Velanna, you've brought it up before.”

“He's not that bad.” Ellie remarked idly, thumbing through her text messages. Eventually, though, the weight of Velanna's stare got to be too much. “I mean, yeah, he's a fratboy douchebag, but he's just another guy in college, not a freaking archdemon.”

She might not want to bang an archdemon, after all. Maybe. And not just because they were imaginary. Then again, knowing her...

“The money being used to put his spoiled self through college was earned through unfair and underhanded business practices. He's basically here to ensure another generation of litigious assholery.” Velanna countered, and she grinned lopsidedly. “What is so funny, Ellie?”

“Nothing, I just like that turn of phrase. Litigious assholery. That's good.” She mumbled, and then pointed out idly, “Pretty sure his family paid for that entire renovation of the school of law, so good luck convincing the school that you should be allowed to protest them here.”

“You can protest anything, anywhere as long as you go through the right channels. Freedom of speech.” Lanaya interjected quietly, tucking her glasses into their case. “But we really shouldn't be causing any trouble, just keep our heads down and work hard. Just because it's allowed doesn't mean people will look kindly on it.”

“It probably won't even go to court.” Ellie declared, shoving her phone away and beginning to rise. “Whatever, I've got work. Then maybe I'll go run around with some shems, maybe disappear for a few days.”

“I...am sorry, Ellie.” Velanna remarked grudgingly, and Ellie tried not to let herself be annoyed by the slightly 'gracious' lilt of her voice. “That rude of me.”

“I was just shitting you anyways. I'm going to go play cards with Fen'harel's friends tonight at the frat house.” She replied blithely, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “It'll be fun, I'm trying to find out how many people I can scandalize at the same time. He hates my guts, so it's always a good time.”

“You're...hanging out with them?” Lyna asked her dubiously, glancing over the top of her glasses. “Seriously, Ellie? You. At a frat house.”

“I'll hang out with anyone that's nice to me. I'm a Dalish traitor. Ooooh.” She replied, waggling her fingers until Lyna snorted and rolled her eyes. “Some of his friends are actually nice. He just happens to...not be. Spread out a little! Meet some new people, you guys!”

This time they were all staring at her as she turned on a heel and strode off, tucking her thumb under the strap of her bag. That was kind of jerkish of her, she had to admit, and she'd probably pay for it later, but...apart from her, were any of them trying to make friends? It didn't seem like it, and it didn't sound like it. She wasn't going to let them look down on her because she was actually getting out.

This could all end at any time, it almost felt like. Might as well make the most of it.

 

 

 

Halfway down the stairs, having taken in what was waiting for him, Solas had decided to turn around and head back up again. He didn't generally play cards with the house as a rule, as some of them were horribly sore losers, but Sebastian had assured him it would only be a small game. Besides, somehow he had convinced Cassandra to come over. Getting Cassandra to relax even for an evening was a victory.

It'd been a long week. Falon'din had abruptly decided he wanted to attend college after all, forcing his way on campus and disordering his very carefully laid out life. He was still living at home, thankfully, and he would likely fail out swiftly, but in the mean time it was...irritating. He was avoiding his cousin like the plague, and still found himself apologizing for him constantly as he bulldozed along without any social graces to speak of.

The last thing he wanted was any more irritations. Especially not perpetually-amused, infuriating, endlessly distracting irritations. Why did they have to go and invite Ellana?

He'd made it to the top of the stairs before Sebastian grabbed his elbow, and he sighed heavily and turned to face him.

“Absolutely not. You know I can't stand her.” He protested, voice a weary hiss.

"Calm down, would you? Cassandra likes her, she wanted to get to know her.” Sebastian replied easily, with half of a cocky smile. “You never know, maybe you two will find some common ground.”

“Common ground.” He replied dubiously, but somehow found himself following his friend back down the stairs. Why, exactly, he couldn't say. “Somehow...somehow I doubt that we have _anything_ in common.”

Words that proved all to prophetically true.

Things had been amiable for the first twenty minutes or so, mostly because they had been avoiding speaking to one another. Or, more accurately, she'd prodded him a few times, but he'd chosen not to respond. He was beginning to grow irritated with her sly little pokes and amused smirks cast in his direction. He was only a man, after all, and he doubted anyone expected him to put up with this sort of disrespect forever.

“Gosh, I'm surrounded by future lawyers. Yikes, that explains a lot.” Ellana teased, and Cassandra smiled faintly, shaking her head as she glanced back down to her cards.

“Such disdain for the profession. The law school here is without peer.” He remarked, finally speaking to her directly, folding his hand and leaning back in his seat. There was being a pain and poking at him, and then there was insulting all of them as a group. “What program are you pursuing, then?”

“Hmm?” She glanced up from her cards, expression guarded. “Well, I've only just started, I haven't really decided. This school wasn't exactly my first choice, I sort of had to...well, I'm still working on it.”

For a moment he was offended, but it quickly gave way to confusion. Not her first choice? How could there possibly be anything above this university? Even from a completely statistical view, there were perhaps ones of a similar quality, but certainly not better.

“I can't possibly imagine how high you have would reach, if this was your second choice.” He replied crisply, enduring the wholly expected smirk from across the table. She just never seemed to stop smiling. Infuriating.

“I also got into Lafaille.” She replied simply, discarding two cards and sliding them across the table to Sebastian as he stared at her in hastily-suppressed surprise.

Whatever he had been expecting, that certainly wasn't it.

“You...are an artist?” Cassandra asked curiously, gazing over her closely-held cards. “The program there is highly spoken of.”

“I...was. I was pretty surprised when they accepted me and my portfolio, but, you know.” Ellana accepted the cards slid to her, tucking them into her hand. Her voice was a bit odd, almost brittle in its lightness, but the smile remained. “Well...I guess maybe you wouldn't. Money was an issue.”

The casually dismissive tone of voice rankled the slightest bit, fair point or no. Why did he have the sense that despite her words, they were intended with some sort of condescension?

“Well, that certainly explains your sense of style.” He declared dryly, reaching for his drink.

“If only we could find a way to explain yours.” She replied instantly with a sigh, giving a small shake of her head. “I can't think of a way that doesn't involve the words 'complete lack of'.”

The rejoinder escaped him with as little a pause as hers, sparked from the tension between them. The words just seemed to flow, casual malice as easy as breathing, playing off of one another. If he hadn't been irritated, he might have been amused by how swiftly it came.

“Ah, yes. Very clever. If only I too could look like I crawled out of a dumpster after a night of tequila and poor decisions. How do you do it?” He could see Cassandra out of the corner of his eye, giving him a disapproving look. He couldn't bring himself to care, fingers toying with his glass as he stared coolly at her.

“I drink a lot of tequila and make a lot of bad decisions.” She replied slyly, and then laughed, tossing in a couple more chips. “At least I don't look like I'm trying to physically embody the color beige. Is that a fashion statement, or a personality statement?”

“No, of course not, instead you decide you would rather become a cautionary tale about the dangers of too much misplaced rebellion, and too little common sense to try and adapt.” He replied mildly, becoming all too aware that Sebastian and Cassandra were silently watching them both, with heavy stares. “I would think someone in your situation would have a bit more gratitude and humility. You're certainly not here by your own merit, after all, only charity.”

He knew the instant the words left his mouth that he shouldn't have said them, voice trailing off on the last. It was too late, however, far, far too late. He could feel Cassandra's disapproval, see the thinning of her lips from across the table. All he could hope was that she would escalate, take some of the burden from his shoulders.

His heart sank when Ellana laughed, quietly and without humor, expression gone completely guarded.

“Oh, I think my rebellion is very well placed.” She declared slowly, setting her cards face down and picking up her cup. “I think I'm gonna go get myself another drink. I guess I fold this round.”

She rose and departed for the kitchen, and Cassandra stared at him icily from across the table. Even Sebastian looked a little taken-aback, though for some reason it was tempered with amusement. He didn't care for that hint of a smile.

“What?” He asked shortly, leaning back in his seat.

“You know exactly what, Solas.” Cassandra replied, a bit brusquely. “That was completely uncalled for.”

“Well then you were obviously listening to a different conversation than I was.” He replied, stubbornly. Still, he could feel his resistance cracking. Cassandra was quite good at wearing him down easily.

“You owe her an apology.” She retorted, still short and sharp, fingers tapping against her cards. “You know that you do.”

He resisted a few seconds longer, and then finally gave an explosive sigh, pushing back his seat and turning away from the table. He was not doing it under duress, he was doing it because Cassandra was correct. No matter how ill-mannered she was, he could not let it affect his own behaviour. Insulted or no, he owed her an apology.

It was too much to expect she would give one in return, but he could not control that.

She was standing at the counter when he entered the kitchen, shoulders hunched inwards, posture straightening as she heard his footsteps. She didn't turn to face him, only lifted her head.

“I...apologize. My words were rude and impulsive.” He offered to her back, which stiffened for a moment before she laughed under her breath. “I should not have risen to your insults like that.”

“My...you start a fight and then try to blame it on me?” For once she sounded genuinely angry as she turned to face him, chin lifting, jaw tightening. It was unnerving to see her not smiling. “Wow, that is some arrogance. I mean, I knew you were an arrogant ass, but...”

Anger or no, her words still stung, nothing between them resolved or eased yet.

“I am? I believe you are the one who has the audacity to spit in the face of those of us who have worked hard to get here, and who dare to be proud of this institution!” He hadn't meant to fight with her again, but the tension was worse than before, even despite his apology. “Why do you persist in constantly needling me?”

“Worked hard? Please. Your family practically owns the place, I doubt you know how. Why do you find my existence so fucking offensive?” She countered, slamming her cup down, eyes hardening. “What is it about me that pisses you off so much? All I have to do is breathe your air and you look down your nose at me.”

“You know _nothing_ about my family.” He was trying to be cold, withdraw, leave her with his scorn, but he was simply too angry, in a way he was uncomfortable with. “And even less about me.”

“And you know nothing about my fucking life.” She spat back, shoulders rolling back as she stood practically toe to to with him. “So don't you dare judge me.”

When had he moved forward?

Close, he was standing too close. Especially with her back to the counter, and the way her chin was lifted to meet his stare, eyes bright and furious, soft, laughing mouth drawn into a scowl. And then it wasn't, her lips parting to take in a shuddering little gasp of breath, and her eyes were not just brilliant, but hot, like the heat building in the pit of his stomach.  
He couldn't stop staring.

“Are...you as turned on as I am right now?” Her words were breathed between them, a low, husky murmur, and what remained of his mind rebelled.

It was unfortunate, then, that the rest of him was long past listening to it.

Her shock was gasped out into his mouth as they abruptly twisted together, his thigh driving her hips against the counter, her fingers digging in against his jaw. Savage, she was desperately tense against him, every shiver and shift of her body rousing new sensations. Somehow to his shock he found he was returning the kiss with equal ferocity, devouring her until her lips went soft in surrender and parted for his tongue.

Delving in, exploring, his breath shuddered into her mouth as he held onto her tightly. It was intoxicating in a wholly unfamiliar way, leaving him mindless and starving, pulse thudding in his ears. She was everything, and he couldn't have stopped kissing her even if he'd had no breath left in him.

He'd lost time entirely, and when control flooded back abruptly at the first hint of stiffening in her body he found his fingers twisted in her hair, back bent over the counter. They both went still, and then he jerked back, freeing himself from her. Her feet hit the floor, a second's vulnerability on her face that almost dragged him back in again. Wide-eyed, startled, with her lips swollen and wet, it made the second step back even more painful.

He had a feeling he looked no better.

She'd already hidden that flash of unguarded surprise by the time he managed to finish tearing himself away and turn on his heel. He was grateful she didn't say a word as he stormed out of the kitchen and made for the stairs, ignoring the confused looks from the dining room as he passed it.

He needed...to get away from her.

_Now._

 

 

 

 

 

She was really hoping she wouldn't be followed into the kitchen.  Ellie just needed a second to regain her composure before she threw her drink in Fen'harel's stupid face.  Not that she was in the habit of doing so, but he seemed to bring something out in her.  She was trying to get along, joke with him a little, but all he seemed to do was take offense to everything that came out of her fucking mouth.  And now...now he couldn't even seem to figure out how to apologize.

"I...apologize. My words were rude and impulsive. I should not have risen to your insults like that.”

And he'd been doing so fucking well, too. Asshole. Ellie resisted the urge to slam her glass down on the counter at those words, fingers tightening. Irritable rage, forced out of some place he seemed fucking determined to find in her. Why did he keep _doing_ this?

Why did he need so desperately for her to be angry with him?

“My...you start a fight and then try to blame it on me?” Fuck it, he wanted her angry? Fine, she was angry. She couldn't do icily condescending, but fucked if she'd bend. “Wow, that is some arrogance. I mean, I knew you were an arrogant ass, but...”

“I am? I believe you are the one who has the audacity to spit in the face of those of us who have worked hard to get here, and who dare to be proud of this institution!” Fen'harel was sneering again, because of course he was, with that air that made her think he'd turned over a rock and found her wriggling there. “Why do you persist in constantly needling me?”

“Worked hard? Please. Your family practically owns the place, I doubt you know how. Why do you find my existence so fucking offensive?” She countered, slamming her cup down, steeling herself against him. “What is it about me that pisses you off so much? All I have to do is breathe your air and you look down your nose at me.”

“You know _nothing_ about my family.” He practically spat the words, but she wouldn't be cowed by his rage, even if it left him fascinatingly expressive. He was so still, normally, and here he was, throwing up his hands and raging. “And even less about me.”

“And you know nothing about my fucking life.” She retorted, finding him uncomfortably close, and her a few steps from the counter now to meet him, lifting her chin in challenge. “So don't you dare judge me.”

His eyes were hard and cold, but it was a facade, they both knew it was. Just like she knew he kept pushing her so she'd push back, though she hadn't quite figured out why. Fine, he'd won. She tamped down the snarl, and then tried to tackle the arousal that was twisting in her stomach and making it hard to breathe. Fuck him for doing this to her. And fuck him for staring at her mouth like that, the shift of his eyes downwards making her breathe in sharply.

And then, at that breath, his eyes dropped even lower, and... _fuck._

_Fuck it._

“Are...you as turned on as I am right now?” Her words were breathed between them, throatier than she'd intended.

She didn't want to surrender, even though he'd pushed her right up to the edge.

Even with the tension, it was still a surprise when he descended on her, surging forward, pushing her back. She was reaching even before she'd registered it, letting him savage her mouth as she slid her hands over the angles of his face, curling in and pinning him there. Eventually the counter slammed into her hip, and his thigh pushed up between hers, pushing her up onto her toes.

He kissed her arrogantly, demanding, like it was just another fight to win. She managed to hold back until his leg shifted provocatively, sending a shock of pleasure right up her spine, leaving her limp afterwards. He pressed the advantage, tongue sliding between her lips as she gasped, and then claiming her mouth entirely.

She felt his fingers delve into her hair, grip and twist, pinning her in place as he pushed her back against the counter. The edge hurt, but it felt too good to complain, and she didn't have the breath to do it, anyways. She would have moaned as he rolled against her, but her tongue was captivated by his, fierce and messy, all she could do was shudder.

Something about the small motion seemed to snap him out of it, and abruptly she found herself landing heavily on her feet, panting and confused and abruptly... _alone._ She could still feel him, but he wasn't there, and her mind was left behind and racing to catch up.

He was still close, but the distance between them was immeasurable as he stared blankly, and she tried to recover from the sudden loss. _Shit._ She could visibly see him withdrawing, gaze going guarded, a foot sliding back.

It was as if it snapped the last connection drawing them together, because abruptly he turned and strode out of the kitchen. She watched the stiff lines of his back as he stormed off, fingers slowly lifting to her mouth as it throbbed. And as...well, other things throbbed.

Well.

Okay then.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

It was amazing how many times two people trying to avoid each other could end up face to face. She knew it wasn't on purpose, because she hadn't seen him at the book store in the last two weeks. If he was trying to run into her, that'd be the place. No, he was avoiding her, just like she was trying to avoid him. And so, of course, they kept crossing paths. She'd even seen him briefly around town over the weekend, though they'd both pretended that they hadn't seen the other.

She'd sort of wanted to fuck him, but that was before he'd kissed her.

Ellie had been kissed a lot in her life, she liked to think. Maybe she didn't have that many years of experience, but she'd spun a lot of bottles and made a lot of dubious choices. Chased a lot of boys and girls around the playground until they'd told her she wasn't supposed to. She'd just never been kissed like _that_ before. Life ruining. She'd say mind blowing, but there had literally been no brain involved in it, just...bodies and hormones. Three days later and when she ran her tongue across her lips she'd swear she could still feel him.

He didn't have a right to stick in her head like that. How dare he?

She supposed the Keepers were right. Fen'harel was dangerous. Fortunately, he seemed to think the same about her.

Now, if Ellie was a good girl she would have left it at that. Pretended it never happened, maybe. Let him avoid her, let the awkward run-ins fade to the occasional significant look or little flutter in her belly. But when they passed in the quad a full fifteen days after he'd tried to bend her over the counter and the tension was still snapping in the air...she was kind of over it.

Not over the way his eyes raked over her, just a little cold, but hiding all that heat behind them. She never thought denial was her fetish, but he sure wore it sexily. No, she could have enjoyed that for a while, but...

She was a simple creature. If she was going to be utterly fucked by how much she wanted him, at least she might as well get...well, fucked.

Or at least get reminded why she fucking hated him.

Which was why she was on his roof. Again. It was an easy climb from the tulip tree, especially barefoot. This time she'd left her shoes in the dorm, though, this nighttime excursion having dragged her out of bed. No makeup, no pretense, just a tank and flannel pants and an attitude. The attitude didn't come off with the piercings and makeup, it seemed determined to stick around. She was clinging to it in the hopes that it'd insulate her against him a bit.

And maybe she'd showed up with a bit of elfroot, for courage and something to pave the way.

She ploppep down on her butt to the left of his window, back against the wall before she lit up. It was hard to get comfortable on the roof, but she'd hung out in much worse places. At least the frat house kept it pretty clean. You know. For a roof.

Tucking the lighter back in her pocket, she exhaled smoke into the clear autumn night, watching it twist upwards, stifling a shiver. She should have brought a sweatshirt. The moon was bright, and it cast a silvery sheen to the smoke, which became more interesting the more she relaxed. Eventually she managed to find the courage to reach aside, knocking briskly a few times on the window.

The glassy rap of her fist was uncomfortably loud and she withdrew her hand quickly, reaching for the joint between her lips and idly ashing it to the side. The movement was fretful, more something to do than out of actual need, thumb bouncing against it. She waited, and waited...honestly about a full minute. She was starting to think that he wasn't even in his room when she saw the curtains twitch out of the corner of her vision.

The pause that passed was awkward, remarkably so for having such a thick wall between them, until he finally yanked the window open. When he leaned out, already glaring and with no doubt something bitchy prepared, she offered over the elfroot silently.

He stared, but she was gazing up the street, feeling but not seeing his eyes on her skin. Finally she felt the faintest brush of his fingers, and she released the joint to him. The faint murmur of sound from the street and beyond wasn't enough to drown the sound of his inhale, and her eyes slowly shifted aside.

"Are we going to talk about this?" She asked, and he shook his head minutely, rousing a snort from her. "Right. So we'll just ignore the casual undressing me with your eyes every time we bump into each other."

He exhaled abruptly, almost a cough, and she smirked as he glared aside at her.

_There he was._

"I am not...!" He started brusquely, and then sighed, offering the joint back again, voice slowing. "Don't bait me."

"Apparently I can't help it." She retorted, voice stalling as their fingers brushed, just barely. Stupid, scant contact, sending a little tingle of electricity right down her spine, making her breath catch. "...Shit."

She knew he felt it too, because he jerked his hand back, and she could see the shift of muscles under his skin as he minutely flexed his fingers. For a few moments they remained silent again, and she listened to him exhale in a slow shudder as she breathed in the smoke, letting it buoy her mind.

Time dragged by, as they passed it between them without touching again, neither looking at, or speaking to one another. Eventually she was forced to snub it out on the shingles, exhaling the last of the smoke through her nose.

The tension was still there, but it seemed secondary to everything else now, her gaze fixed on the sky. Mind relaxed and slowed, she was finally able to put her thoughts into words of some sort.

"Are we going to keep doing this? Play this stupid little 'I don't want to fuck you I swear' game?" She asked curiously, and then rolled her eyes at his slight scowl. "Seriously?"

"I am doing nothing. If you somehow sense...something, it is entirely your addled perception, and has nothing to do with me." He replied, voice too relaxed to really make the snide bite believable. She just rolled her eyes. "I am not even remotely attracted to you, it was an idiotic mistake. I do have standards."

Oh. It was _on._

She didn't really consider herself a vengeful person, but he was gonna regret that one. And she was starting to have an idea just how. A really, really mean idea. And possibly a stupid one, but right now it seemed to make perfect sense in her brain.

"I take it you can only get off if you pick a fight with me first." She decided languidly, pretending he hadn't pissed her off. No need to tip her hand so early. "Okay, fine, you want to fight. Go ahead."

"You are the one who showed up on my roof, need I remind you?" He pointed out, and she snorted as he pulled back from the window. She might think it was a dismissal, but he was still talking, muffled now. "And I do not pick fights with you. You are rude, antagonistic, and would you _please_ get off the roof before someone calls the police?"

"No!" She replied cheerfully, lifting her voice to carry, smugly amused with herself. It was hard to stifle the urge to giggle, and she wasn't a giggler. "I like it out here. Why don't you go fuck yourself?"

"It's beginning to seem like a viable alternative, as it certainly comes with many fewer irritations." He agreed with another heavy sigh, and she stifled a snort of amusement. "And less people expecting that I am some sort of machine that accepts sex in exchange for access to my family."

"You're chatty when you're high." Idly rolling over onto her stomach, she poked her head through the window, resting her elbow on the sill and tucking her chin atop her hand. "And bitchy. But you're always bitchy. At least to me."

Her answer came in the form of a rather crude gesture for him, a single finger extended toward the ceiling as he flopped backwards onto his bed, letting out another heavy sigh.

"Nope, not happening." She informed him, and then snickered as he sighed exasperatedly and let his hand fall from the air to slap over his face. She took the opportunity to peer around from a closer vantage. "Jeeze, your room has no personality. Just like you!"

"Perhaps I'm simply not so insecure that I have to force my personality in people's faces." He replied, and she scowled. It didn't have much force until he moved his hand to eye her, and she saw the hint of a smirk. "I'm sorry, did I find a sore spot?"

"Liar." She informed him, and when he raised an eyebrow slowly, supplied, "You're not fucking sorry."

"True." He agreed simply. "In or out. Are you a woman or a cat?"

It was almost dangerous how much fun this was, especially in her current state. She could tell she was driving him nuts, not pushing herself on him, not trying anything, but not going away. Poor guy might have to actually ask for something instead of suggesting it vaguely. _Oh no._

_Oh yes._

"I was kind of just thinking I'd sit here and find out if I can still piss you off by just existing when you've been smoking." She replied breezily, hiding a little grin very poorly. "It's an experiment. I'm doing science. Next time I'm gonna get you drunk and see what that does. Then? Set you on fire."

"It is not your existence that makes me angry..." He began dryly, pausing when she made a rude noise. "Why do you do that? You obviously wanted to have _some_ sort of conversation, or you wouldn't be here."

"I got tired of being incapable of avoiding you." She admitted, ignoring the fact that she was starting to get pretty cold, chin resting on her arms as she peered into his room. "I decided I'm come figure out if I actually hate you or not, and now I can't tell. Maybe the elfroot was a bad idea."

"I wouldn't be speaking to you if it weren't for it." He replied, and almost smiled when she laughed, letting his hand splay over his face again. It might not be on his lips, but she could hear it in his voice. "Go away."

"Last chance. Next time you tell me to go away, I will. You are way too used to people pushing themselves on you, aren't you? Lazy ass." She mocked, and he glared at her from between his fingers. "It's true. I can tell. You've _suggested_ I come in a couple times and I haven't taken the bait. So I guess the question is, do you actually not know what you want, or do you just not want to lower yourself enough to say it?"

Silence for a few moments, tense on his end, but she was still feeling pretty relaxed. This was weird, but fun. Hell, she came to college to try new things, right? She had a feeling this wasn't what people meant when they said 'experimentation', but she was enjoying her interpretation.

"Come inside." He suggested at last, quietly, and she stifled a smile by biting down on her lower lip.

"Isn't that my line?" She countered, and then laughed at the rough noise he made in the back of his throat. Hmmh, she liked that, but she wasn't about to let him know. "Horny bastard."

"Only when it comes to you, apparently." He replied, and then closed his eyes again as if trying to block everything out, sighing out in frustration, "That...was meant to stay in my head."

"Fucking get over yourself." She suggested, strained for a second as she pulled up and scooted through the window at last, landing on the floor quietly. "You are so up your own ass. Doesn't it get cramped in there?"

"Dignity is something you are wholly unfamiliar with, isn't it?" There was a faint flush in his cheeks as he snapped at her, and she had a feeling it wasn't because he was angry. The words he groaned afterwards only cemented that. "How...do I get you out of my mind?"

Irrationally pleased, she bit down on her bottom lip again as she grinned, wandering over to the edge of the bed, standing between his knees. It was nice to know he'd been as fucked up about all of this as she was. She knew she wasn't the only one ruined by that damn kiss, but it was really pleasant to get the confirmation.

"I'm not going to _let_ you." She informed him brattishly, smirking to herself. "Because I love that you hate it."

She knew normally he would probably snap at her, say something nasty, but proximity and intoxication were wearing on both of them. Still, the abrupt twist of his legs around her was a surprise, and she actually laughed as she tumbled forward, evading his attempt to sit up as she was pulled in. Hands pushed against his chest, slamming him back against the bed, though she remained trapped with his legs around her hips.

"Come here." He demanded, and she pushed him back down as he tried to sit back up again, his shoulders bouncing against the mattress. "What are you doing?"

"There's no way in hell I'm kissing you again, I remember what happened last time." She replied lazily, squirming as his legs tightened, tried to tug her closer. "No means no, fratboy."

"If you have no intention of kissing me...why exactly are you here?" He asked her, and then narrowed his eyes at her slow, feline smile. "I don't care for that look."

"Let go of me." She replied evasively, and smiled when he immediately complied, legs falling to either side of her. "Ah, he can learn."

"I assure you that manners are the last thing I need to be taught." He replied, eyes darkening as she crawled up onto the bed, knees planting to either side of his waist. That was a pretty damn smoldering look, especially from this vantage point, almost enough to distract her into doing what he demanded. "Come _here_."

Hard to fight, but she managed somehow. Rather than let herself be lured, she collapsed to the side. Nicer bed than hers. That was hardly fair. Before he could grab her and pull her up, she did what felt like the most logical thing.

She slid her hand into his sweatpants and grabbed his cock.

It was easy to do, considering night time attire, and that he didn't know she was going to until it was too late. The first grope confirmed that she...really liked that. He was already half hard, warm and heavy in her palm, and he made the most interesting noise when she did it. It was almost a growl, which...yeah. She kind of needed to see if she could make him do that again.

"Mmmh, nice..." She murmured approvingly, and the hand on her arm eased up its grip as she stroked upwards, feeling him twitch, harden a little more. "What do you know. There might be a part of you I don't hate after all."

"You need to..." He started, and then breathed in sharply as she idly dragged her fingers back down again, enjoying the sensation, both hard and soft. Rapidly becoming more of the former, even with her barely teasing him.

"Tell me to stop and I will. I warned you once. You don't get to tell me no and hope I'll try to convince you. You're gonna have to live with the fact that you want me." She informed him, releasing him and reaching for the top of his pants, testingly.

His eyes met hers, tension between them lingering as she waited, pretending to be patient.

At long last he lifted his hips, just a little. She kind of had a feeling he would. He didn't seem inclined to say anything, but he did reach down and grab her ass, fingers digging into the cheek as he squeezed. Pinning her there, more or less. Well, that was enough of a go ahead.

And still without lowering himself to say a thing. Stubborn, stubborn.

The view was as pleasant as she'd expected, as she idly dragged his pants down to his knees, curling around him comfortably, head against his lower chest. He didn't seem to mind, but then, he seemed almost nervous if she didn't know better, or at least anticipating what she would do. She could feel the tension in him. And see, in some cases.

Lifting a hand to her mouth, making sure he could see her, she lazily licked her palm, up to the fingers and then back again, a few times. She knew he was watching, because his fingers tightened, curling in against her ass. When she reached down and wrapped her hand around him, he let out a long, shuddering sigh.

"Yeah, this is real dignified." She murmured idly, a little bite of mockery in her voice as she began to stroke his cock, lazily. She couldn't help the teasing. He took himself so damn seriously. The hand on her ass tightened, attempting to pull her up, but she ignored the tug. "Stop it, I'm having fun."

"Tormenting me?" He groaned, voice low and thick in a way she really...really liked. Almost enough to make her go back on her plan. But, fuck it. He could deal with the consequences of being an ass.

"Spoiled." She teased lazily, slowing her the downward stroke of her hand just to make him growl, "Only a spoiled brat would complain about a handjob."

"I want _you_..." The fingers on her ass dug in again, pulling, but then relenting as soon as she resisted.

"Am I supposed to be flattered by that? That all it took was intoxication and a bit of fondling for you to forget that you're a snob?" She asked, smugly pleased despite her words, feeling the hitch in his breath against her cheek. "You don't get me, because I don't give a shit about your money...or...your family..."

The hand not occupied with clinging to her was fisted in the sheets now, his breath starting to get a little ragged. She was sort of starting to wish she'd made him take his shirt off, when it rode up she could see the muscles in his stomach tensing, and it was pretty fucking hot. If she wasn't having so much fun getting back at him, it'd be near impossible to control herself.

_Be good, Ellie. Remember the evil plan._

"But maybe...maybe if you can tell me that when sober, and I don't have your cock in my hand...we'll see." She meant to tease, but it came out a husky murmur. It was hard not to enjoy having control of him, he looked absolutely fucking gorgeous like this. "I'm curious to see if you actually know how to work for something you want."

She finally freed herself from his death grip on her butt and shifted over to switch hands, grabbing the hem of his shirt. Briefly indulging, she yanked it up and leaned down to bite his stomach, laughing against his skin at the jerk of surprise and the grunt from deep in his chest. The lick afterwards didn't do much to ease the shivering, but it sure did make him moan. Hmmh, good to know.

"I need..." He finally managed to get out, but the tension of his body had already told her the words he couldn't quite get out.  
There was teasing, and then there was _teasing_. Some sorts of torture were a bit too much for her, and this was one of them. With a little twist of her wrist, she tightened her grip just a little, pleased with the way it made his breath catch. Her wrist was starting to ache a bit, but she picked up her pace again, and then again when it made him tense. The steady, noisy slap filled the air, his hips lifting against her hand, a quiet groan of relief escaping him.

The look on his face when he climaxed hard and fast sort of made her regret she'd chosen to do this, but it was way too late to change her mind now. It was a shame such a bastard was so damn _hot,_ and she'd had no idea he could make noises like that. It may have been more of her malicious mischief that made sure he came on his own stomach, admiring the sight, biting down on her bottom lip as he shivered. Gradually she slowed her hand, lazily caressing rather than jerking him now, as she enjoyed the last few shudders of his body.

The urge to bite him again as he tensed one last time and then relaxed was almost overwhelming. Anywhere really, maybe that cum-spattered stomach, or the thighs, or even those long fingers still twisted up in the sheets, and...damn.

Just... _damn._

Before she could go crawling all over him, she released him at last, giving a small slap to the side of his hip as she sat up. He cracked open an eye, chest heaving, and she offered a slow smirk, letting him watch as her gaze raked downwards.

"So, I guess...now you _owe_ me, huh?" She mused, suddenly struck with that nastily impish little line of thought, wickedly thrilling. Dazed still, he reached for her, and she laughed quietly and scooted back out of his reach. "Hmmh, no. I'm gonna save it for later. Put it in the bank."

"Where...do you think you're...?" He asked breathlessly as she slipped to her feet, meeting his narrowed, hazy eyes. "Get...back here."

She slid to her feet, stepping back before he could find the energy to rise. Ellie wasn't sure she'd be able to resist if he got his hands on her. This was hard enough as it was, everything was freaking...throbbing.

"I've got better places to be." She replied with a smirk that she hoped looked confident, turning on a heel and heading for the open window quickly. Slapping her palms down on the windowsill, she heaved herself up to the hips and then turned around, plopping her ass on it. Peeking back inside, she met his stare as he struggled up on his elbows, smirking as she lazily gave him a once over. _Nice_ view. "Sucks for you, huh? Careful, you're dripping."

His only response was a confused glare, and she pursed her lips at him in a kiss before pulling through the window and out into the night air. The roof was cold against her bare feet, and the shock of the change in temperature was enough to clear her head, just a little. The gleefully wicked amusement helped assuage her body's protest that damn it, she should have fucked his brains out.

She could get laid any time, she tried to remind her hormones.

Vengeful victory was rarer, and much...much sweeter.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Solas saw her first just after breakfast, attention pulled from a conversation he'd forgotten about entirely the instant he saw her.

His eyes tracked Ellana across the dining hall as she wandered through it, arm linked through one of the other Dalish girls'. He knew she was watching him because she'd checked twice, sidelong from under her lashes, until their gazes finally snapped together, holding as she let herself be tugged through the door.

It'd been almost a week since her visit, and while Solas had been doing what he thought was a decent job of ignoring her...once again, it seemed unresolved. He'd considered confronting her a few times, but part of him had wanted to wait and see if she'd show up at his window again.

She hadn't.

All he could assume was that she was waiting for him to make some sort of move. He'd almost convinced himself that he didn't care to, but...it had been a week. It felt like every time he closed his eyes all he could think about was her hands on him and that irritating little smirk in her mocking voice.

The fact that he could not dispel her from his mind was as undeniable as it was infuriating.

He hadn't wanted something he'd been denied in years, and the status quo had become comfortable. Perhaps that made him spoiled, but considering how long he had struggled and fought to obtain the position he found himself in...he liked to think he'd earned it. A childhood of being invisible, having to work twice as hard, sacrifice twice as much had finally borne fruit, and he should be allowed to enjoy it.

It was bad enough that Cassandra seemed to think somehow he'd become arrogant.

Was it still arrogance if it was deserved?

He was beginning to think the only reason he wanted her was because she'd not bothered to chase him, and that was...concerning. It certainly couldn't be her company he desired, after all. No, it had to be something utterly contrary. The allure of something that he couldn't have.

Once she tired of toying with him and chased after him in earnest, the attraction would fade.

If only she _would._

  
  


He saw her again less than an hour later, sidelined by the sight of her conversing with Cassandra. It likely shouldn't have bothered him, but it did. He had no right to determine who either of them spoke to, but the fact that they were talking to one another made him...uneasy. He found himself wandering that way before he realized he was doing so, Cassandra lifting her gaze to meet his.

"I am not interested in standing in the middle of an argument, Solas." She informed him, and he lifted both hands defensively, approaching from the side.

"Well, I'm not going to be starting any." Ellana started, gaze shifting sidelong towards him, eyes dancing with amusement. The impish lilt of her voice was as grating as ever, but for some reason it was also drawing him back to those...distracting memories. "At least not right now."

"I haven't the time to begin any arguments, I assure you. I have a lecture. I wasn't aware you two were..." He hastily said, trying to dispel his own mental images.

"He's trying to find out if we were talking about him." Ellana interrupted, and Cassandra's lips quirked up into a hint of a smile. "As if he's the only possible thing we could have to talk about. Tsk."

"Ellana was inviting me to join her at the soup kitchen this weekend." Cassandra interjected, before his ire had much of a chance to be roused. "I think that I may go. I have not been leaving campus near often enough as of late."

The instant the snide response settled into his brain, he felt a hint of shame, and he forcibly pushed it aside. He could feel Ellana's sidelong stare, as if expecting him to say something. And he could, he certainly could.

_I would have thought the scholarship would provide food for the charity students._

The words lingered in his mind, but he kept them there, managing to feel vaguely disgusted. He didn't have to lower himself to act in such a manner, no matter how unpleasant she was. Which was the only reason he wasn't saying it.

"It sounds as if that would be an excellent use of free time." He finally settled for, neutrally. "I myself have very little. And, on that note..."

"I will walk with you." Cassandra offered, and then gave Ellana a more genuine smile than she had offered to him in some time. "I will text you later."

"Sure! I'll be around. Class in an hour, and then I'll be at work." Ellana replied casually, lifting a hand in a wave as they turned to head off.

He knew the words were for Cassandra, but why did he have the feeling that they'd been intended for him as well?

As if he had any need to know where she was. Idiotic, of course, but if she was trying to subtly draw his attention...well, she wasn't doing a very good job. Not surprising, he doubted subtlety was her strong suit, he'd never met anyone more crudely overt. It might be useful to know where she was going to be, however.

To avoid her, of course.

No other reason.

  
  


  
  


A week.

Seriously, it had been a week of them chasing each other's footsteps like the shittiest game of tag, ever since she'd oh so casually ensured he knew when and where to find her. She'd learned his schedule by Wednesday, at least enough to memorize it, and she had a feeling he'd figured hers out sooner. More familiar with the campus, at least. He'd probably be in denial about it all, of course, but she knew what was going on.

They were following each other.

It was actually sort of funny, in a crappy cat and mouse sort of way. Position each other in the other's way, see if they rose to the bait. She'd noticed him doing it first, and then she'd decided to play along. Why not? It was fun. He'd almost approached her on Thursday when she was idly sitting on the table outside his lecture hall, but swept by her at the last minute. And he'd sure been by the bookstore an awful lot for a guy who obviously hated coffee.

It might have been stupid and childish, if not for the wicked little thrill she got out of it every time they caught sight of each other. Hit something in the instincts, wondering if he'd rise to the bait first, or if she would. He was...stubborn, she had to give him that.

He was so desperate to get her to corner him first that when he finally got tired of waiting, he scared the crap out of her.

He caught her at a quiet intersection on her way to class, reaching out and tucking his fingers in against her upper arm. When she jumped about a foot and gave a noise that definitely wasn't a squeal, he immediately released her. His laugh made her squint aside, jaw jutting stubbornly. She kept her expression mulish to hide the sudden rush of adrenaline, but she could _feel_ her heart beating faster.

Their eyes met, his lips curved up into the barest hint of a smirk, and finally she rolled her eyes and sighed out heavily.

"I'm late." She remarked, stalling at the hand tucked against her elbow when she tried to walk away, turning back after a token resistance. "What the fuck do you want? Get tired of stalking me?"

"Of course, _I_ have been stalking _you_." He asked, and when she quirked a brow, his lips pulled up into the faintest hint of a smile. It was kind of surprising. The asshole knew how to smile. "So we're not even going to discuss...anything?"

"You've had two weeks to talk to me. Did you ever consider that you just could walk up to me and talk to me? It took you this long to work up the nerve?" She asked, stepping back and around him away from the junction, ending up with her shoulder against the wall. "I guess I should feel flattered."

"You could if you wanted to, I suppose. If I were you I wouldn't bother lying to myself." The dismissive tone of his voice just made her smirk, but for once it didn't obviously annoy him, his expression cool. "I can't say I feel much like being antagonized."

"Then why are you talking to me?" The little thrill in her stomach made the words more teasing than she'd meant them to be, teeth catching down on her lower lip as she grinned. "Cause all I've got in me right now is antagonism."

"Poor choice of words." He admitted, and then sighed when her smirk widened. "I have to admit that I wasn't much interested in talking, either. It seems we're incapable of doing so without fighting."

"Yeah, but I _like_ fighting with you. It's fun. Dirty you up a little." Impishly, she reached for the edge of his shirt, dragging it out of his pants, twisting her fingers around it. It was funny how he'd gotten close enough for her to do it. "Almost makes you seem like a...person."

"Is that why you've been following me?" The accusation might make her bristle, if not for the tone of voice, low and easy. He knew as well as she did that it was more his fault than hers, and he sure wasn't fending off her hands. "Looking for a fight? I thought you were simply desperate for my attention."

"I'd say you were following me, but I don't think you even know how to hunt. Pretty sad, for a wolf." She murmured, both of them stilling as a couple people passed by in the corridor nearby.

She cleared her throat and turned her face away, and he idly leaned against the wall, back to the intersection. It didn't really bring them any further apart. If anything, he was basically leaning over her now, resting on his elbow, shielding them from the intersection. And maybe her fingers were still caught in his shirt, his eyes idly fixed on them.

"Perhaps the situation simply hasn't called for it." He finally replied, and then smiled subtly at her quiet gasp of playful offense. "I know that you know my actual name, I wish you would use it."

"All the jokes getting to be a bit much? Feeling disrespected, Dread Wolf?" She asked provokingly, and he made a small sound of annoyance in the back of his throat. Finally got him. "Or do you just lack the dynastic...megalomaniacal...aspirations of the rest of your family?"

"Watch your mouth." He suggested harshly, but less than convincingly.

"Oh! Sore spot. Mmmh, why don't you watch it for me?" She countered languidly, grin deepening with mischief. "You should probably stop showing me your cards like that."

"Or should I be like you, and do nothing but bluff?" It probably said something bad about her that with him looming over her, her first instinct was to push him and see what happened.

But it was just so damn _fun_.

"Something something lay me out on the table. We're running out of innuendo here." She murmured, and then added with a little prod of her finger against his chest, the nail dragging down the line of buttons afterwards. "And I'm not bluffing. I just think you should be worried."

"Why is that, exactly?" His other elbow planted against the wall above her shoulder, leaving her caged by his body, still shielded from view.

Close, he was standing so damn close now, enough so that tilting her chin up made him lean back a little. Her hands were restless still, playing with his shirt, but hers weren't the only ones any more.

"Because...you've only gotten a taste and you're already addicted." She replied lazily, a little tickle of sensation making her squirm as he idly ran a single finger along the edge of her ear. "I told you before, didn't I? Gonna be eating Dalish girls in no time at all. Big bad wolf, all tortured and in denial."

"I wonder if you're going to get tired of teasing and mocking me if you get what you want." He mused, and she could feel his breath against her cheek.

It actually sort of sounded like...he was curious.

"I don't know." She confessed honestly, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. "It's entirely possible. And it's entirely possible your disgust will overcome your libido and you'll get tired of slumming."

"Difficult to get tired of something you have yet to do." He replied idly, and she gave a small roll of her eyes, a disgusted noise escaping her. Hard to know what he meant by that, and she wasn't exactly appreciating the vagueness of it. "I suggest not using the word if you don't care for it, Ellana."

His use of her name silenced her, something about the way it rolled off his tongue making her stomach clench. How did he keep getting her pissed off and turned on at the same time? It was a talent.

"We can sit here and play, but we both know you think I'm beneath you." She replied sourly, trying to keep her irritation as his fingers wandered down the line of her jaw. "No point denying it."

"I think of you beneath me." He replied absently, gaze a bit distant before being drawn back in by her slight shiver, eyes raking down the side of her neck, finger following afterwards. "A great deal, as a matter of fact. That is not a compliment, incidentally, only a fact. I wouldn't feel flattered."

"I'll try not to get a big head over it." She retorted sarcastically, but with a breathy edge she couldn't quite dispel. "So, again, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Sating my curiosity. You can be a bit obvious, did you know that?" His words made her scowl, which roused a soft chuckle from him. "And not in the way you're thinking. You're playing these games with me because they let you feel in control, don't you?"

"I am in control." She retorted sourly, irritation rising as he just laughed again. Vengefully, she reached down to try and grope the front of his pants crudely. "Don't get smug."

Fingers circled her wrist, pulling her hand up and away abruptly, harshly, knuckles scraping against the wall. While she was still breathing in, he found her other hand, tugging both up and over her head, forcing her up onto the balls of her feet. Wrists pinned, it was sort of unavoidable that they'd end up hip to hip, bodies flush. Her chin lifted reflexively as his lowered, bringing his lips barely an inch away from hers.

"Are you?" He asked curiously, her fingers spreading as they slid up her wrists. He didn't relax, even as their hands twined together, fingers interlocking, leaving her precariously balanced on her toes. "I believe we have different definitions of the word."

"Asshole." She murmured, more flustered by the intimacy of the fucking hand-holding than anything else. "You know I'm going to get you back for this, don't you?"

"I am...well aware. It's nice to know I discovered just what you were trying to accomplish." He replied, and she flinched as he leaned in and placed a soft, chaste kiss on her cheek, letting her feel the light curve of his smile. "I don't think you're quite ready to be caught, I believe I'll throw you back for now."

She could still feel the warmth of his lips as he abruptly released her, freeing his hands from hers and dropping her back onto her feet. She was pretty sure she should think of a witty comeback, she was good at them, but for some reason...she couldn't think of a damn thing to say.

_Fuck._

Glaring impotently at his back, she watched him casually walk away, hands flexing fretfully, fingers digging in against her palms.

_Bastard._

 


	7. Chapter 7

Solas should be happy.

As a matter of fact, he should be delighted that Ellana had chosen not to show up in days. Which, he was. Of course. He was only irritated because it made him wonder when she would pop up out of nowhere to annoy him. Hopefully she'd have the sense not to do so in public.

He supposed he should be used to this habit of her disappearing for long stretches of time only to reappear at the most inconvenient moment possible. If she was doing it to somehow maintain the upper hand, it wasn't working.

He wasn't thinking of her. At all.

At some point, his occupied mind and frustration had made the words on the page he was studying swim, and he lifted a hand to wipe it across his face. Elbow on the desk, he sighed and closed his eyes behind his palm for a moment. Just needed to clear his head. That was all.

"Studying a bit too hard?" Sebastian called from the doorway, and he lifted his head to try and focus in on the man. "It's Saturday, Solas, don't you think you're deserving an evening off?"

"I've had difficulty focusing this week, I'm behind." He replied wearily, reaching for his glasses again. "I believe I may be getting ill, but hopefully a good night's sleep will fend it off."

"You sure it's that occupying your mind, and not..." Sebastian started in his lazy brogue, and then paused, tilting his head. "Looking a bit off, man."

"As I told you." He replied impatiently, lifting fingers to rub his forehead. "I will sleep it off, and be perfectly fine."

"Right...are you feeling ready to tell me what's going on between you and Ellana?" The question garnered a glare from him, but the movement made his forehead ache, and all it met was a grin. "Well, not caring for that? Cassandra says you bully her, but she just doesn't understand these things, eh?"

Dropping the frown, he rubbed his forehead in slow circles, closing his eyes for just a moment. Hard to think of a rejoinder, tired as he was.

"You think everything has to do with sex, even when it doesn't. Just as Cassandra seems determined to see the worst in me, as of late." He replied sourly, attempting to not sound defensive. If only his head would stop throbbing. "She is the most irritating woman I have ever had the misfortune to meet."

"Shouldn't say such things about Cassandra. She just worries over you." Sebastian replied, and then smiled at his glare for the deliberate misunderstanding. "I knew what you meant. Fine, but if you're feeling better you're coming out tomorrow. Not going to have you revert to the shell you were in two years ago. More things to life than studying."

"I am fine. Simply ill, and tired of being needled by a..."

"She thinks you're rather good looking, you know." Sebastian interrupted, the cocksure grin remaining as he folded his arms over his chest. "Maker's own truth. Said something about you being an arrogant ass, but I believe she may have used the word 'gorgeous' at some point. Me, I don't see it, but..."

"Please leave." The words were habit, rote, but he had a feeling that if he didn't kick Sebastian out, his expression would betray him. He was feeling uncommonly unsettled, and he wasn't sure why the news that she was attracted to him had affected him so much. "I'm not feeling in any mood to be teased, no offense intended."

"None taken." Sebastian dismissed easily, raking a hand back through his hair. "Get some rest, hey?"

"Rest. Right." Solas murmured, attempting to force his attention back to the book, sliding on his glasses again. "Just overtired."

  
  


He was fine, and he would continue to be fine. Perfectly fine. When the book became a pillow he eventually managed to force himself into bed, well aware that it was only something like eight or nine. He shouldn't be so tired. Or heavy.

Unfortunately, no matter how tired he was, he couldn't seem to sleep properly. The blankets were too warm, body uncomfortable, and he was fairly sure he hadn't slept at all. It was difficult to say, because his mind couldn't seem to function, which was incredibly, infuriatingly frustrating. Taking off the blankets didn't fix the problem, it only made him cold. Being cold was possibly worse than being too warm.

At some point someone opened his door and tried to talk to him, which only made his head hurt.

Luckily a random lobbing of his copy of Partnership Taxation left on the nightstand chased them off, though he didn't think he'd thrown it far enough. It was a heavy book.

The second time someone bothered him he thought it might have been morning, because opening his eyes hurt. He nearly threw his phone at them until he found his alarm clock and used that instead.

His nightstand was running out of things to throw.

Reluctantly, he dragged himself blindly up from his bed to stagger over to lock the door. Somehow, he made it back into bed again afterwards.

  
  


  
  


"You expect me to be surprised he's being an asshole?" Ellie asked amusedly, glancing up from her idle sketching across the coffee cup. Sunday afternoons were pretty slow. People enjoyed the little doodles anyways, when she had time to do them. "I don't know why you keep telling me about him. It's like you're my daily dickhead report."

"You know well why I'm doing it, minx." Sebastian replied cheerfully, watching the door from where he was leaning against the counter. "Whatever you're doing to him, keep at it."

"That's mean. You're mean. Why would you possibly think I'm doing anything to him?" Idly she finished drawing the halla's antlers, and then examined it critically. "I don't do anything. I'm never bad. I'm being nominated for sainthood."

"Oh right, I must have been thinking of someone else. I did see you at services this morning and everything." Sebastian replied, and she gave a small snort.

"I'm not Andrastian. And you sin more than anyone I know, so don't start getting all self-righteous." The offended look he gave her roused a laugh. "You do! You think I didn't see you disappear into the _bathroom_ at the bar last night with that redhead? Filthy."

"I am a good lad, Maker knows it's true. I never hear any complaints from him or from them." Sebastian replied slyly, and she shook her head at him. "Speaking of sinning, how's Isabela?"

"Oh, you're clever. You're very clever. It was a mistake introducing you all to her." Ellie 'tsk'ed, smiling and shaking her head a little. That was a topic that kinda stung. "She's fine. Making an offer on that bar tomorrow, now that she's found the money. I think I might...stop sleeping with her, though."

"Why's that, then?" Curiosity, but no dirty jokes.

That's why she liked Sebastian. He might be a careless sort of guy, but he was nice, and didn't bother pretending he wasn't. No nastiness, no facades. She _still_ couldn't figure out his friendship with the prick himself.

"Well...I think Merrill might have a crush on her, honestly. I have a lot of fun with her, so I'm kinda enh about it, but..." She started, and then shrugged her shoulders. "It's not serious, and it's not going to be. They're both super great, and it feels like ignoring Merrill's feelings is kind of a dick move."

"Merrill's a nice girl." His response was so neutral that she squinted at him suspiciously. "Nothing, just wondering if there's some other reason."

"Oh. Seriously?" A small laugh brightened her words, and she shook her head at him. "You're digging now. Why are you so invested in this? If you told Cassandra she'd lose it on you, you know."

"Cassandra seems to think you are a fragile thing and Solas is being a monster. She means well, but she's a bit irritated with him lately."

"And that would be because...?" She started curiously, but only got a head shake. Damn, too bad, she was hoping she might unravel the mystery of 'why do cool people like the jerk'. "Pff, fine. You know, if you're so worried about him you should go home to your snobby-ass frathouse and check on him."

"I believe after he threw his alarm clock at me he locked his door." Sebastian replied slyly, gaze fixed on his cup as he turned it in his hands. "Not as if I can be getting into his room any other way, now can I?"

_Oh, fuck._

"How long have you known?" She asked pointedly, and then added as he tried to maintain a sober expression, "You are absolutely shit at hiding that smirk, so stop trying."

"I...know nothing. Good quality for a future lawyer to have, a selective memory. I've been working on mine." Sebastian replied, and then grinned at her glare, giving up the facade at last. "Oh relax, Ellana. I'm not going to say anything, I know how he can get."

"And yet, you're still friends with him." She pointed out, and he laughed. "Get out of here, Sebastian, stop poking your nose where it doesn't belong."

"I'll pray for you!" He replied mockingly, ignoring the cup she threw at his back as he wandered off.

Ugh, there was no way she was dealing with this. No way. He wasn't even a fuckbuddy, let alone a friend, she didn't owe the asshole the courtesy of checking in on him. Even if no one else was.

_Fenedhis._

"Ellie, you are a damn sucker." She informed herself, and then cursed and turned to grab another cup.

Her shift was almost over, anyways. They weren't open for long on Sundays.

 

 

 

She at least waited until it was getting dark, which didn't take long this time of year. And she'd stopped by the store. Which she would have done for anyone. Because she was a nice person. The fact that it was entirely true didn't quite help the lingering unease. He'd better still be sick. Shoes around her neck, she scaled the tree easily, taking care to avoid the branches that'd seemed less stable the times before. Once she made it to the roof, she squinted around suspiciously.

Part of her wanted to try and figure out where Sebastian's room was so she could avoid him catching her in the future, but she'd really rather just get this over with. In and out, that was...heh.

_Shut up, brain._

Internal monologue dirty jokes aside, Ellie. Focus.

The window locked, but he hadn't locked it yet, and he hadn't now. She checked inside, but it was dark, so at worst he was feeling better but asleep. Which meant she could check on him and then sneak back out. Easy. She slid in once the window was up, and heard a vague, thick sound of protest at the cold air that came in with her. Rolling her eyes, she turned and pulled it back down.

Wandering over, she set her bag down on the nightstand, reaching for the lamp she knew was there. Except...it wasn't. Frowning, she groped for a few moments as her eyes adjusted, and then finally found it knocked to the floor.

Luckily when she retrieved it and turned it on, it lit right up. And then there was a pained groan, and abrupt flurry of movement from the bed, her attention turning to watch him pull a pillow over his face.

"Well, at least you're not throwing things at me." She remarked under her breath, simultaneously relieved and a little disappointed that he seemed to be fully clothed. Not distraction she needed. "Let me check your temp."

With both of his hands holding down the pillow, she managed to slide her hands underneath it and check his cheeks, palms still chilled from the outside air. This time the groan was pleased, and she gave a faint laugh under her breath as she slid them up to check his forehead. It was kinda funny to see him like this, but to be honest, it was also hitting some buttons she wasn't completely comfortable with.

She'd always been one of those people who cared way too much about taking care of people.

_Don't forget he's an asshole, Ellie._

"Yep, burning up. What's the chances I can get you functional long enough to take some drugs and water?" A hand reached after her as she withdrew hers, groping blindly for a few moments, and then catching on the edge of her shirt, twisting there as she turned back to the nightstand. "You're fuckin' ridiculous, fratboy."

"I am not sick." He mumbled blearily in response, and then pulled on her shirt again. "Come back."

"You're running a fever. If you're not sick you're secretly a dragon." She ignored the yanking on her, because honestly, he didn't seem to have enough energy to do it very well. "If you don't break it, you're going to miss classes tomorrow."

When he sighed gustily, she knew she had him defeated. Fishing out the bottle of pills, she set them aside, and then grabbed the coffee cup and bottle of water she'd swiped from work. She'd only drawn the wolf on the cup because she was bored. That was all. Cracking open the water, she dumped it into the cup, still ignoring the pulling on her shirt.

"Come back..." He demanded again, raspily, and then groaned at her faint chuckle. "Why are...you confusing?"

"I'm confusing, am I?" She asked, and at his faint noise of agreement, laughed again. "You're delirious. You don't have to open your eyes, but sit up enough to take these pills, okay? They'll help."

When all he did was release her shirt and sigh dramatically, she rolled her eyes. Seriously? Okay, fine, whatever. She'd come this far, she was at least going to get these fucking pills in him. She was way more stubborn than him, damn it.

The noise he made when she yanked his pillow away was satisfying. Almost a yelp, just a lot less high pitched. He immediately threw a hand over his face, forehead furrowing deeply until she rested a hand on it again, and he relaxed with a sigh.

"Sit up." She demanded, and at his groan, repeated, "Sit up, please. Or you're gonna choke to death, and they'll never solve your murder."

"I lied..." He replied blearily, barely helping as she grabbed his arm and started tugging him up.

"About what?" She asked, huffing a sigh as she pulled on him. "You're heavy, help me out here!"

Abruptly he pulled himself up, head falling forward, and she released him with a sigh. Blue eyes, hazy, slitted barely open and peered up at her, and she shook her head at him as she reached for the pills. Ridiculous asshole.

"I am sick." Solas informed her solemn and vague, and at her surprised laugh, insisted, "I am. Where have you been?"

"Not sure what you mean by that, but I had work today." She mumbled absently, thumbing off the lid after reading the label, and then fishing out a couple pills. He took them when she extended them to him, thankfully. She really didn't want to feed him. "Water."

For a second he just stared at the pills and cup, blankly, and she was vaguely concerned he was just going to drop them and fall over. He had that sort of unsteady look. Thankfully, after a few seconds of it, he tossed the pills back and downed the water. She grabbed the cup before he could drop it, and turned back to pour the rest of the bottle into it.

There. Duty done. She could just unlock his door and take off, and Sebastian would have it from...

Arms grabbed her waist from behind, pulling her in until the mattress hit the back of her knees and she ended up falling to sit on the edge of it. Frowning, she glanced down at the hands curling in against her sides, and then sighed heavily as an overheated cheek abruptly pressed to the back of her shoulder, his weight slumping against her.

"No, absolutely fucking not. I am not _cuddling_." Oh for fuck's sake. If she'd known he was like this when he was sick, she might have thought twice. "We are not cuddling. This is not happening."

He was still heavy, and now he was trying to lay down while holding onto her, and she was torn between irritation and amusement. To be fair, his grip was weak enough she could get away if she needed to, and he wasn't exactly in his right mind, but...

"You are so lucky I have my phone with me." She groused as he succeeded in yanking her more fully onto the bed and collapsed against her side, one arm still around her waist.

Sighing, she swung her legs up, leaned back against the pillows, and fished out her phone. Well, at least maybe she'd be able to beat her own high score. She had the time, and she'd be out of here once he fell all the way asleep. Couldn't take long.

Rolling her eyes as he buried his face in against her hip and pulled the blanket over his head, she tried to fight back a smile and failed.

She definitely wasn't staying because he was being weirdly adorable. Nope.

Not at all.

  
  


 

  
  


He was warm, drowsy, and there was a welcome weight lounging against his side when he started rousing out of his nap. He was also uncomfortably drenched in sweat and a little stiff, and still feeling fairly miserable. When he shifted minutely, he felt her begin to rise. The hand on her waist curled inwards, pulling her back in.

"Selfish." He heard the teasing murmur, but didn't feel up for being angry.

A thousand things to say, responses, but he had no energy for any of them. Instead he turned over and pulled up, burying his face against the curve of her neck, arm tightening as he sprawled across her lap. A breath sighed out against her skin, he felt her shocked stiffness go soft. Her body was welcoming like that, but her laughter and words were a bit sharp.

"Just because you're not feeling so hot doesn't mean you get to get away with this." She warned him, and he groaned against her in protest of the continued games. "Hush. You can't make me like you just because you turn into a puppy when you're sick."

He would have said something, but cool hands were sliding over his cheeks, up to his forehead. It didn't feel as good as it had before, but was still welcome. She gave a faint 'hmm' that he heard, and he pressed in closer to try and feel the vibration as well. He felt her shiver as his nose nudged against her neck, but she hadn't gone stiff again, wasn't fighting him off.

"Your fever's broken. You don't get to pretend to be delirious any more." Her voice scaled up to a laugh as he tried to bury her underneath him so she couldn't escape, tugging her down towards the mattress instead of half sitting. "You're heavy! Rude git!"

"Stop running away." He protested, a slow mumble, and he felt her sigh slowly. He might not be feverish, but he was drained and exhausted, and she wasn't that prickly after all. She was here, after all. "You're not supposed to run away."

"Spoiled brat." She teased, and then laughed when he grumbled at her, but it didn't sound so sharp. "Awh, this isn't any fun. No matching wits with the unarmed. That's not my style, slugger."

"I don't understand what you are trying to do. Why are you here?" Not that he wasn't grateful for it, but his mind was trying to come back online, and it was informing him that he shouldn't be. He should be annoyed with her.

He was starting to think his brain was sabotaging him, because he was quite certain this was where she was supposed to be, and yet until now he hadn't been successful in getting her here.

It was all very confusing.

"Sebastian told me you were being a sick, stubborn ass and you growled out anyone who tried to look in on you." She admitted cheerfully, if a bit strained from his weight. She wasn't telling him to move, though. "You already growl at me, so I decided to make sure you didn't die. And then I found out you're irritatingly clingy when sick."

"I do not growl, and I am not clingy." He protested, forehead furrowing as the throbbing headache started coming back. Ignoring the contradiction, he tried to hold her a little closer, and that was when he finally felt her stiffen. "My head hurts, and you have not answered my question."

"All right, that sounds more like you." She was abruptly slipping away from him, out from under him, and his hand got slapped when he reached for her. Hard. "Stop that. I'm leaving. There's painkillers and stuff on the nightstand."

"I am not a child, don't smack my hand." He grumbled, retracting the stinging fingers and tucking them protectively under his pillow. Still, the question was lingering, but he was beginning to think he'd just asked the wrong one. "Ellana."

"What?" Her voice was tinged with exasperation, and he felt the bed shift as she stood up.

"I don't understand what you want from me." He confessed, torn between wanting the headache to stop, and never wanting to move again.

He settled for the pain, for now. Opening his eyes seemed like a terrible idea.

"You are so..." She started, laughter in her voice, and then she fell silent. When she spoke again, it was uncertain. "You...actually don't know, do you?"

"No."

There was a heavy sigh, and then the sound of her crossing the floor, walking around to his side of the bed. For a moment he thought she might be coming back, but there was a plasticky rattle as she lifted the pills from the bedside table.

"You're hopeless. I'm pretty sure I told you. I really didn't think you were that dense." For once it didn't sound like an insult, even if her words were a bit rude. "It's called reciprocation, frat boy. Takers aren't sexy. You had a chance, and you didn't give back. Why am I the one who always has to up the ante?"

He listened confusedly as she fished out the pills and set the bottle back down, extending a hand up for them. They dropped into his palm, and he absently murmured thanks while his poor aching head tried to keep up and figure out what she...

"...We were standing in a hallway. You can't really have expected me to..." There he stalled, downing the pills, forcing them down a dry throat.

"You found me in that damn hallway. You had plenty of opportunities to find me alone, y'know. Not hard to find out where my dorm room is, for one." She pointed out, voice dead and dry. "But nooo, you had to try and get me to do all the work. Why is it always too much for me to ask that you treat me like you actually want me? We both know you do."

"I apologize, if I had known what you wanted was for me to crawl at your feet, I could have told you that you were wasting your time." He couldn't think, even more so than before, a stab through his temples making his voice sharp. "I will not make a fool of myself for your amusement, or beg for your attention."

"Lazy, spoiled, selfish little dick!" Her voice scaled up, and it made him wince. She lowered it, but she still didn't sound pleased. "I say there should be some reciprocation, you make it sound like I'm telling you to fucking get in the dirt? Or is that just where you want to keep me, on my knees chasing after you? You fucking snob!"

"You know absolutely nothing about me." He knew it was a protest he'd made before, but she kept calling him that when it was the furthest thing from the truth. "Just because I refuse to lower myself to fawn after you..."

"Okay, one? A little humility might do you some good. Two? Lower? You're realize what you're implying there, right? You can't have it both ways! You can't tell me I'm calling you the wrong thing while _acting_ like it." She sounded actually angry, instead of mockingly playful, and he wasn't sure what to think about that. Even when they were angry with each other there was...tension. This time there wasn't. "Three? I know all I need to know now, so thanks."

The thump of the window being jerked open brought with it a spill of cold air, and he shivered violently. She was leaving, she was going and she was angry with him, and his head hurt. He hadn't even said...

"Thank you." He managed to get it out, and after a few seconds of silence, heard her sigh. "You didn't have to stay."

"You're right, I didn't. _Prick._ "

There was silence for a few seconds, and he had the feeling they were both waiting for the other to speak. He wasn't quite sure what to say, mind still fighting to catch up. He had a _feeling_ he was supposed to know why she had chosen to stay, and why she was angry with him when she hadn't really been before, but he honestly had no idea. Well, she had been angry, but she'd still...

What did she mean when she said she knew all she needed to know? They barely knew a thing about each other.

As he turned that over in his mind, trying to find a way to voice it, he heard the window slam closed.

  
  


He finally, reluctantly opened his eyes, and he was alone.

  
  


 


	8. Chapter 8

**Sebs**  
  


11:07   To who it may concern- pls let Dickhead know he is soon to be down one family member b/c I will throw this coffee in his eyes

It's whom actually one of the few times where it's grammatically and aesthetically appropriate. What did you do to Solas? He's been a pain this week.      _11:08_

11:08   The Sole Ass stuck his foot so far down his throat that it came out the other end and kicked his own butt :P This wanker just told me I'm not like other girls what does that even fking mean??? Whats wrong with my fking gender? lol why would I not want to be like other girls wtf does he mean I have a cock

Tell Falondin I say hell.      _11:09_

11:10   I assume u meant hello but both are appropriate I guess he smells like a teenage boys bathroom does he spray that cologne shit before he walks in a room so he can mark it??

Are you going to forgive him?    _11:12_

11:12   What?

Solas, are you going to forgive him?    _11:12_

11:13   He doesn't even think he did anything wrong, why tf would I bother?? He actually thinks hes better than me Seb and humiliations not my fetish said he wouldn't 'lower' himself or some shit

All right I actually didn't expect that from him. This is suddenly more complicated than I was expecting. I'm in over my head. This might be a Cassandra level problem.    _11:15_

11:16   Wtf Oh gods help hes showing me pictures of his stupid car and I'm trapped back here

Help's on the way.    _11:16_

  
  


  
  


He was here to deal with his cousin. The last thing he needed was Falon'din wandering around campus harassing people. He was here to get rid of him and not because he was bothering her specifically. Which was a complete lie, of course, but it made him feel better, at the very least. It'd taken the idiot this long to decide he was going to go to college, which Solas had a feeling had to do entirely with his father finally having given up on him.

That was Falon'din, though. Do the bare minimum to try and stay in the family's good graces, and screw up every opportunity handed to him. Unfortunate for him, then, that he underestimated the difficulty of higher education. Having his high school teachers paid off had done little to teach him the value of learning, and quite a bit about how money could get him what he wanted.

There were a lot of things he'd never really had to learn, and one of them was dealing with rejection gracefully. Or at all. He seemed to operate by ignoring the fact that it existed, which is why the fact that Ellana was plastered against the counter as far away from him as she could get hadn't sunk in. If he'd noticed, he'd be insulting her by now.

Solas wasn't about to let that happen.

The slight frown when her gaze shifted aside and she noticed him was unsurprising, as was the wariness. He seemed to recall that she'd been angry last time he'd seen her, though for the life of him couldn't remember why. He was blaming that on the illness. He was also blaming the rather embarrassing attempts to...be affectionate with her on the same thing. He still couldn't dredge up what he remembered of that interlude without cringing.

"I spent thousands on the sound system. You've got to, you know, if you want it to be worth a shit."

Of course. The stupid car. Absently as he approached his cousin from behind, he reached over and pulled the phone out of his hand, turning it around idly to gaze at the picture. He'd gotten it repainted. The black looked marginally better on the bestial abomination. Still a hideous car, however. A chromed-up tank with horrible gas mileage.

"Th'fuck?" The question was surprised at first, but it quickly turned to hostility. "Fucking asshole. What the hell are you doing here, Fen?"

"I wonder why you think that bragging about repeatedly wasting money is something that should be attractive to people." He endured the punch to his shoulder without moving, ignoring the pain and keeping his face blank. Showing discomfort was what Fal wanted. Instead he turned his attention across the counter. "I apologize, Ellana, he has absolutely no social skills."

"I've dealt with worse. Just trying not to get my ass fired because I was nasty to some entitled little rich brat." She replied dryly, rolling her eyes at the sudden nasty look Falon'din turned on her. "Hush, little baby."

"Fuck you, you stupid b..." Falon'din started, stalling as he reached his free hand up and clamped it down on his shoulder. The immediate shrug didn't throw him off, which probably amused him more than it should have. "Lay off!"

"It must be extremely frustrating for you that you can't bully me any more, Falon'din." He offered quietly, fingers tightening for a moment, rousing a wince. Hard not to feel the victory at that, time had been when he had been the physically helpless one. "I..."

Out of the corner of his vision, he saw Ellana cross her arms, both eyebrows lifting. Wait, she was disapproving of this? Really? Silently he released his grip, and she relaxed. If he shoved his cousin slightly when he released him, no one would blame him for that, certainly.

"Your job won't be in danger due to him, I assure you." He told her, and she gave a small shrug, still looking rather displeased. His attention returned to his cousin, the phone snatched out of his hand as he offered it back. "Fal, don't harass people who are just attempting to do their jobs. You're making a fool of yourself."

"Mind your own fuckin' business." Falon'din sneered, rolling his shoulders back. "We were just talking."

"I asked you to leave me alone three times." Ellana pointed out dryly, and then gave a long sigh, lifting a hand to twist her hair back from her face. "Not that you'd know, because you weren't listening."

"Whatever, baby." Falon'din replied, and then frowned at the little 'snrk' that escaped her. "I don't have time for this bullshit. You're not even worth my fuckin' time."

"Aw, my heart is so damn broken." Ellana sighed, and despite himself, he met her wry smile with a faint one of his own. "I guess I'm going to have to soothe my disappointment somehow."

"I can think of some ideas." Solas offered amusedly, resting a hip casually against the counter, leaning in towards her. "If you're feeling open to them."

He could see Falon'din glowering out of the corner of his vision, and deliberately kept the smirk off of his lips. There was a pause, her eyes thoughtful, until she finally rolled her eyes to the side and gave in. Good, he was hoping she'd play along. He could see her fighting to keep her composure, as she tilted her head to the side, shifting her posture in his direction.

"Well, I don't know, I guess so..." She bit the inside of her lip, tempting him to bridge the distance and bite it for her. "I am...very disappointed, though."

"A difficult state of affairs." He sighed, and she nodded her agreement slowly, with a pout. "I will do my best."

"I'd love your worst." She replied languidly, chin lowering until he gave in to temptation and tucked a finger under it, the contact luring her closer. "If you're...brave enough to give it to me."

Whatever response he might make was interrupted by the shove to his shoulder, breaking their eye contact abruptly. Reluctantly, he moved his hand, with one last, discreet caress along her jaw. Her skin was...distractingly soft.

"Fuck you both." Falon'din declared after his shove, trying another. This time he was waiting for it, however, and he didn't give him the satisfaction of moving. "I got better shit to do."

They both watched his cousin stalk off, the faint ripple of her laughter low and warm. A pleasant sound, it trailed off when he glanced back to her. Her eyes went guarded, and he regretted it, despite himself. She was...surprisingly charming underneath the aggressive artifice, which was not difficult to admit.

Attractiveness was hardly a rare commodity, but most people hid their ugliness on the inside underneath it. She seemed to do the opposite with all the aggressive attitude she forced in people's faces.

He wasn't sure if he should be angry with himself, or with her that she seemed to have entranced him. He was leaning towards the former. He'd be more angry if it wasn't so enjoyable. Still, he could feel the distance seeping back in again as she turned away, raking her hair back again.

"I apologize. I'm certain he'll be failed out soon. Falon'din doesn't exactly understand the purpose of education."

"Not a very good big brother, are you, bullying him like that? Setting a bad example?" She replied tartly, and then laughed at his frown. "What? Sore spot?"

He wasn't about to admit that it actually was. The comparison was unavoidable, unfortunately, but he certainly didn't have to encourage it. And the fact that she accused him of bullying him was a bit irritating. He'd worked hard to get where he was, and choosing not to let himself be pushed around any more was far from bullying. Perhaps he used a bit more force than slightly necessary, but it was a far cry from how his cousin had treated him before.

"He is my cousin." He replied sharply, and then let out a quiet breath. "And we're only a year apart, it is not in any way my fault that he turned out as he has."

"Hmh." Turning away, she rolled her shoulders in a dismissive shrug. "Whatever. Thank you."

"You aren't the first person I've had to rescue from him, and you won't be the last, it seems. Are you still angry at me?" He was starting to be able to tell the difference between their usual banter, and when she was actually agitated. "Do I get to know what I've done this time?"

"Why do you care?" She retorted, and for a moment it actually silenced him. Glancing over her shoulder, her eyes narrowed. "See? You don't even know _that_."

To be fair, no, he didn't exactly know why he cared, except that it would help him puzzle this all out. She was still completely unsuitable, rude, and infuriating, but she kept dragging him in, whether he wanted to be or not.

"I was sick. You're the one who broke into my room, yet again, if anyone should be angry it's me." He inquired at last, and she gave a long sigh, turning to face the counter again, arms resting on its surface, chin plopping in a hand. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm utterly lost before you stop being angry at me for it?"

"You think you're the only one who's sort of lost here? Anyways, that's not why I'm angry at you." She replied, and then rolled her eyes, voice continuing to be dismissive. "And of course, me coming in to check on you when you're sick was such a rude imposition. Noted. Never do anything nice for you ever, you're an ungrateful jackass."

"I didn't ask for you to look in on me, I would have been fine...The cup." The thought occurred to him abruptly, returning to his mind. He continued as she turned her curious gaze up, distracted by the way she tilted her chin and peeked up through her lashes. "You left it behind. You did that yourself?"

"What, your little Dread Wolfie sketch? I told you, I was going to art school until _this_ nugshit happened." Again, her dismissal of the school itself and everything associated roused a slight sting of anger. From the slight smirk on her lips, he must have shown it on his face. "So, yes. I did."

The tension was easing off again. Apparently annoying him made her anger fade. Considering their previous interactions, it made sense. It perhaps wasn't the best way to handle their altercation, but it was much easier than trying to untangle why she was so upset with him.

"For someone so ready to brush me off, you certainly seem to enjoy finding my buttons to push them." He remarked cooly, and her smile deepened. He certainly didn't want her to know that was what he was hoping for. "I haven't forgotten what you said, you know."

"I say a lot of things." The bravado was holding, but she moved restlessly, fingers curving behind one graceful ear, brushing back her hair. "You expect me to remember all of them?"

The door chimed and they both glanced up, watching a lone student cross the bookstore, quickly disappearing among the shelves. He could feel it when her attention returned to him, but he took his time in turning his own gaze back.

"So you're saying you're no longer interested in...reciprocation?" He kept the words casual, enjoying the sensation of having the upper hand, the little thrill of it.

The gradual shift in mood seemed to have effected them both, because suddenly that little hint of a purr was back in her voice. He was grateful he'd finally figured out when she was actually angry, or just trying to get a rise out of him. Why did it feel so good to match wits with her?

"It's really irritating that you can't take a hint, frat boy." She replied, words liltingly low and wry as she pushed up from the counter. "I hate having to repeat myself."

He regretted the loss of the view. Not that he'd been staring down the front of her shirt. Much.

"You haven't said no." He pointed after a few moments to gather his thoughts, and was rewarded with just a hint of a smirk, slowly curving up the edges of her mouth. "Well. I can tell when I'm not wanted."

"Can you?" She asked curiously, their eyes holding for just a moment.

Liquid heat, that contact. He couldn't help the downward drift of his attention as she bit down on her lower lip, holding it tightly for a few seconds before letting it slip free. It was nearly unfair how arousing that was. Why hadn't he kissed her again? At the moment, he couldn't seem to remember.

"I believe so." He finally replied, resisting the urge to climb over the counter and drag her to the floor, lowering his voice just a little. "I hope to see you later."

Her smile faded, and for a moment he wondered what it was this time. The intimate warmth disappeared, her posture withdrawing, distance returning. Ah. He'd said something wrong again. This was like navigating a minefield. It likely said something about him that he was enjoying it, and admittedly...encouraging it.

"I don't feel much like climbing, so if you were planning to wait..." She finally replied, after holding his gaze for a few moments, turning away. "I guess you'll have to be disappointed."

"I am used to disappointment." He admitted, trying not to show his amusement with her little fit of pique. She wasn't as difficult to read as she thought she was. "But in this case, I hadn't intended to wait. If you'd prefer that I do, by all means."

This time the look she gave him was almost amused, but not at his expense. He almost returned the smile, the slight tug up of her lips, but he wasn't quite ready to give in. He wasn't going to let her charm him so easily.

"Well, okay then..." She replied, turning her back to him, voice somehow both coy and dismissive, "Happy hunting."

"Thank you." He replied graciously, pushing away from the counter. "I admit it's not a pastime I've indulged in before, but I'm willing to be flexible."

"I'm _so_ flattered." She replied sarcastically as he retreated, and he hid his smile as he headed for the door. "Then again, if you can figure out reciprocation, maybe I can figure out how to be flexible myself."

"I look forward to it." He found himself saying easily, turning to face her as he pushed open the door with a shoulder, their eyes meeting one last time as he ducked through. "I'm certain you can be...very flexible, if you put your mind to it."

The look she gave him stayed with him the rest of the day. Pleasant in theory, less so when it came to trying to focus on a lecture.

Or anything besides her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do we prefer this syntax for the texts, or shall I go back to the old way? I'm not sure how I feel about it, it was suggested a couple times, though.


	9. Chapter 9

Ellie felt the stare on the back of her neck sometime around four, on her way out of class, thinking about heading home. She was still mad, she reminded herself. She was still mad, and Solas still didn't have a single fucking idea why she was. Okay, so, maybe she hadn't told him. Maybe she was being, and had been completely unreasonable, and also sort of a pain in the ass with the whole 'you should know what to do without me telling you' thing.

That didn't mean she didn't get to be mad.

But it also didn't mean that he wasn't capable of turning her on with barely like three words, which he'd proven earlier. She was almost pissed off at the fact that it was so easy for him, but not enough that she was going to stop him. Because, frankly? She wanted to see what the hell he'd do. If all the bullshit was worth it.

All right, maybe she was starting to feel guilty about being such a jerk to him. There was a pretty big part of her brain that kept reminding her that maybe she was doing a whole lot of hinting and expecting and maybe not being straight out with him. But it was okay, because he was an asshole.

Right?

She'd convince herself eventually, probably.

Instead of going home, she decided to wander down a quiet corridor, not entirely sure where she was going. She honestly hadn't wandered much off the beaten path. Wasn't even sure she remembered where the library was, or anything besides the dining hall, dorm, and her class rooms. She spent more time in town than at school, but at least she was passing all her horribly boring classes.

It all seemed so pointless, though. She didn't even know why she was here, she didn't have any huge, grand plans. All of this just seemed...wasted on her. Everybody was starting to notice it, too. Lanaya kept cornering her to gently prod her about the different programs that'd 'serve her well as First'. It was really hard not to just stand up on a table in front of everyone and scream, 'I don't even want this!' some days.

Only the fact that she'd have to deal with Velanna being grumpy at her afterwards was preventing it, really.

It was tempting to lose him just to be a jerk, but there were other urges that were clamoring a bit louder than spite right now. She could still remember the way his finger under her chin had made her feel, that tiny, stupid contact that had made her all...tingly. Ducking around a corner, she settled her back to the wall and waited.

Okay, maybe she wasn't good at being hunted.

When he rounded the corner she grabbed, and only got to enjoy the look of surprise for a few seconds. The her fingers twisted in his sleeve as she pulled, but she really didn't need to. Turning in against her, her back pressing up against the wall, he idly caged her between his side and the opposite elbow, shielding her from the hall at his back.

It was a posture she remembered, but this time the antagonism wasn't quite there like last time. Maybe because of their talk earlier, but maybe because for once? He wasn't staring down his nose at her.

"For someone who enjoys toying with me so much, you seem to get oddly impatient." He remarked quietly, just a bit closer than necessary, head tilting to the side. "Why is that, I wonder?"

"I must have a short attention span." She replied lazily, tilting her head to the side as he stroked his finger along her jawline, and then curled it under her chin in a little caress. It almost felt like a beckon, dragging her in. "You'll find out if I do, won't you?"

"Is that some sort of challenge? To see which one of us gets tired of the other first? I wonder why you keep thinking up these little games." This time it was the edge of his nail, not the fingertip, dragging down the center of her throat. She stifled a shiver, refusing to give him the satisfaction. "Worried that you're not very interesting without them, perhaps?"

"You're an asshole, you know." She pointed out without any real spite, receiving a dubious look in return. "It's true, you are."

"I'm not quite certain I trust your judgment." He replied slowly, idly running the fingertip along the neckline of her shirt now. "Because either I am, and you're still here, or I am not, but you think I am, and...you're still here."

"I never said I have good judgment." She admitted with a small smirk, shivering as his finger trailed across the skin of her chest. "Stop it, that tickles."

"Are you ticklish?" He sounded pretty damn pleased with himself, especially as she glared at him. "You shouldn't reveal your weaknesses to the enemy, it's dangerous."

"Is that what you are? My enemy?" She asked lazily, and then shivered again and swatted at his hand when it wandered down to tug up the hem of her t-shirt, fingers barely touching her skin as they skimmed above her belt. "I said stop."

"No, you said stop what I was doing before, which is not what I am doing now. But I will." He replied, smiling subtly as her frown only deepened. "I believe you were the one who said that I was only allowed to stop you if I meant it, were you not? I think you can give me the same courtesy."

"I don't like being tickled. It's not cute, it drives me nuts. So yes, I meant it." She replied sullenly, and then rolled her eyes as he smirked her. He was being freaking _insufferable_ today. She never should have told Sebastian she needed help with his cousin. "There's a lot better uses for that mouth of yours than being smug at me, you know."

"And much better uses for my _hands_ than tickling you." He murmured in agreement, suddenly very close to her ear, breath brushing across her skin, nose barely nudging her. "But, need I remind you, we are in public."

She smiled, slow and feline, and felt him chuckle quietly. Peeking up through her lashes, she caught his stare again, and their eyes held, his narrowing slightly as she ran the tip of her tongue across her bottom lip. It lured him, a little jerk of his upper body that pressed her a little harder against the wall. Good to know that worked.

"That's what makes it so much...fun." She murmured, laughing quietly in surprise as his hand slid under her skirt, pushing it up her hip. It was hard not to let her voice scale up as his fingers curved around the inside of her thigh. "Protesting too much? Or can you just not keep your hands off of me?"

"It does seem to be an issue, doesn't it?" He replied musingly, almost distantly as she abruptly became aware of just how damn clever those long fingers of his were. The little noise that escaped her lips as his hand abruptly rose and slipped deftly into her panties felt awkwardly loud. "Shh. I'd really rather not draw any attention."

The irony of being told that by the guy that'd just stuck his hand in her underwear didn't go unnoticed, but she was having trouble focusing enough to be snarky. She was plastered against the wall now, his

"You're..." She had to take a quick breath to steel herself as he lazily explored, teeth catching on the inside of her lip as she bit down to avoid a moan. "Y-you've got your hand up the wrong skirt if you expect...quiet..."

"Do I? Interesting..." He murmured, sounding oddly pleased with that fact. "Though that does provide me with a bit of a conundrum. I have no intention of letting you go, but I certainly don't want to get caught."

Almost testingly, he curled a single finger inwards, and then dragged it up, rousing a quick inhale of breath that turned to a high, whimpering gasp as he teased her clit. The little throb lingered after he withdrew, exhaling in a slow murmur of pleasure.

"Hmmh. I do like that." The approval in his voice was low and warm, making the arousal in the depths of her stomach all the worse. The worst part was, it distracted her too much to come up with something suitably snarky to say back. "You are absolutely...fascinating, do you know that? Confusing, but fascinating."

"I thought...you didn't want to get caught..." She finally managed to murmur, and he gave a slow, irritable sigh, palm going flat against her skin. "Well, you can't have it both ways. I can't even begin to tell you how freaking bad it would look if you had to gag me and someone caught us."

"For once, you may actually be correct." He replied, though he sounded vaguely intrigued by the idea, arrested for a moment's contemplation. Contemplation with his hand in her panties and her skirt hiked up around her waist. "An interesting mental image, however."

"Uh oh, is the frat boy secretly naughty? Don't tell me I'm breaking down the walls of repression." She teased, feeling a bit less unsteady, pushing back instead of just being tormented. "Is the wolf gonna come out to play soon?"

For a second he actually looked annoyed, just long enough for the little thrill of victory to be born, and then abruptly die as his head dipped down. The catch of his teeth in the side of her neck roused a high-pitched gasp, and she felt him grin as he let the skin slip from between his teeth.

It seemed like he was winding up for saying something smug again, but honestly...she was done.

Reaching down, she grabbed his ass with both hands and pulled him in hard, grinding her hips against him. This time it was him that gasped, breath stalling roughly in the back of his throat, and she dug her fingers in harder.

"Do it again." She demanded, breathlessly. "Bite me again."

"Where?" The question was asked carefully, but it was followed by another drag of his teeth across her neck, and then a heavy breath when she groaned.

The question went unanswered, as they both abruptly froze, the sounds of conversation echoing up the quiet corridor, around the corner. He pulled back as she released him, and for a second she thought he was going to run, head turning to stare down the hall. She could already feel herself withdrawing, shoulders firming up, and then he grabbed her hand.

While she was still processing t _hat_ , he pulled her after him and instincts took over again. She had no idea where they were going, but he was moving with confidence, and that was good enough for her. He pushed open a door abruptly as they ducked around a corner, and then pulled her through. Pulse pounding, a laugh caught in her chest, she realized they were in a bathroom about the time she yanked her hand out of his and backed into the door. It was a bit more violent of a movement than she'd intended, and she slammed into it, hard.

To be fair, he'd been holding her fucking hand.

While she was wincing and reaching back, he was moving, and abruptly her skirt was shoved back up around her waist, and hands grabbing her hips and...oh.

_Oh, fuck._

Back arching, she let out a slow hiss of breath as his teeth released the sensitive skin of her thigh. Not much of a bite, oddly gentle, but it didn't take much there to make her nerves tingle.

"What...the fuck do you think you're doing?" She managed to breathe, having a feeling she didn't sound pissed at all. "Seriously? Here?"

"If I am going to be accused of things, I may as well get to enjoy them." The words were murmured against her inner thigh, which was distracting enough, a little vibration and the warm spill of his breath. "Are you saying no?"

"I wouldn't even know what I'm..." She couldn't help the slight breathlessness of her voice as his teeth caught again, a little harder, her back rolling against the door. "...Saying...no to."

"Yes, you do." He murmured in response, breath spilling over her skin, and she shivered violently. "Or are you trying to lure me into saying it?"

"Oh fuck, yes. Say it." She demanded from between gritted teeth, head falling back against the door as he bit her again, close, too damn close. The skin slid from his lips, and then his tongue followed, dragging up, hot and wet. "Say it for me..."

"I am going..." His voice was low and smooth, confident in a way much sexier than any of that nasty arrogance. "To eat you up."

"Do it." She agreed, a hand raking hair back from her face as his tongue dragged up again, coming dangerously close. "Don't stop now, please."

Her hips jerked as his fingers abruptly twisted in her panties and pulled them to the side, his noise of approval mixing with the embarrassingly breathy sound that escaped her lips. There was no time wasted, none at all. The upward writhe of her hips met him coming down, a palm slapping against the door, fingers digging in as he buried himself between her thighs. Shit, she wished she had something to hold onto.

Breath escaped from between her teeth in a high pitched, rough noise. Okay. The tongue was...well, just as good, if not better than the fingers. It was as dangerous as kissing him, just as deep and hungry, but this time she was really in a position to appreciate the extent of it. It was probably a good thing he'd decided to keep his hands free to support her, because it was the only thing keeping her upright. Fingers dug into her hips, and then raked back to grab her ass, forcing her in closer when she writhed violently.

He seemed to enjoy the noises he was getting out of her, his own felt rather than heard, which was...really, really nice, actually. The enjoyment was good, because she was pretty sure she couldn't have stopped the torrent of demanding, obscene praise that spilled from her lips even if she'd wanted to.

She'd warned him, after all.

It couldn't have been long, she was pretty fucking wound up, and he was unrelenting. The louder, higher she got, the more focused he was, not bothering to tease any more. His hands were holding her in a death grip, a necessary one, as the pleasure rose to a desperate peak.

She bit down on the side of her hand to try and quiet herself, but it was far too little, too late. It overtook her in a rush at last, pushing her over the edge violently, teeth gritting down on her hand as she cried out. Her hips twisted in his hands, and he pushed her back against the door, hard, as the shudders coursed through her, gradually easing, slowing. Finally she collapsed, the last little spark of pleasure making her writhe violently one last time as it trembled across her nerves.

Dulled as her mind was as relaxation took over, chest heaving as she tried to remember how to breathe, she eventually managed to dredge up a single thought.

_He'd definitely won this round._

Gasping heavily, she let out a slow, shuddering groan, falling back against the door hard enough that it made the back of her head throb. Okay, yes. Worth the bullshit. Completely worth the bullshit. The kiss to the inside of her thigh roused a protesting shiver, and she felt him chuckle soundlessly. It was hard to be tense now, but she was mentally, considering how badly things usually ended.

"I suppose this is the part where I say something mocking and then disappear." The murmur was loud in the sudden quiet, punctuated by her heavy breaths. "But..."

A surprised squeak was torn out of her raw throat as he abruptly hooked his arms under her thighs and stood up, pulling her off of her feet. Okay, that was...dizzying. And hot as fuck. His fingers pressing into her hips, he pinned her between his body and the door for support. When his hands released her, she wrapped her legs around his waist as best she could, still feeling a little limp.

"I don't particularly feel like it." He confessed, one hand trailing up the side of her neck to cup her cheek, a finger sliding under her chin. "And so I have no choice but to ask. Ellana?"

"What?" She murmured, drowsily sated, all too well aware of the thoroughly hard bulge in his jeans, considering how it was grinding against her ass.

Damn it she liked that.

"May I kiss you?" He asked, and for a moment she had to crack open an eye to make sure it was him.

It was...polite, quiet and confident, without that veneer of sneering arrogance. It would almost make her suspicious, except that for the first time...his expression was relaxed. And she liked that, too. What the hell was he doing to her?

"Sure." She finally replied, trying to sound casual and failing utterly. She was too busy remembering the last...first time he'd kissed her. "As long as you kiss me like you did before."

"I believe that could be managed." He murmured, fingers tightening on her chin as he leaned in, her lips parting as she felt his breath spill across them.

She was wondering what she'd taste like on his tongue.

The abrupt pound on the door startled them both, and she tried and failed to hide her squeak. He looked pretty spooked as well, the hand under her thigh digging in. They froze, and she abruptly remembered that they were fucking against a bathroom door in a public building. Right.

Shit, she really should have been quieter.

"I'll be back in five minutes." The voice, muffled, came through the door, and she bit down on her lower lip to keep from laughing, adrenaline coursing through her. "You won't be here, I hope, or I'll have to call campus police. Please remember to use responsible birth control, and try to keep it private. Thank you."

They both held stock-still as footsteps they hadn't heard approaching started receding. He looked vaguely horrified, but she just started cackling, succumbing to it as he turned his attention to her. The stare just made her laugh all the harder, and somehow she found her feet, only staggering a little. He reached for her elbow as she slumped, reflexively supporting her, and then abruptly things just sort of...broke.

With a jerk, she pulled back and turned away, and he did the same, things going stiff and tense again as she pulled down her skirt and adjusted her underwear. Stupid, awkward, and now she had no idea what to say. Reaching down, she grabbed her bag and slung it up onto her shoulder, running both hands through her hair. With no idea what to do, her brain reverted to sniping. Probably because it was easier than trying to figure out something new to say.

"I'll poke my head out and chase off anyone that's outside, if there is anyone. I'll knock when it's clear." She murmured, trying to keep her voice cool. "I wouldn't want you to be seen with me."

"Thank you, I agree that would be awkward." He replied flatly, and yet again, she sort of wanted to kick him in the ass. He seemed to have that effect on her.

He was starting to give her whiplash with this weird personality shifting. Maybe that was for the best. It wasn't like she wanted to go _liking_ him. Why did this keep being so fucking...difficult? Why couldn't he stay the same damn person?

"Is this...something that's gonna keep happening, do you think?" She abruptly asked, refusing to look at him. "Because, it seems to be."

Silence for a few moments, and she let out a long sigh, already preparing to retract her words. Shit.

"It...seems so." He finally agreed, and she let out a faint, exasperated laugh. "Ellana..."

"We're not talking about this. Not now, and not...I don't know if I want to." She reached for the door, giving him a few seconds to move out of the way before pulling it open and poking her head out. "Looks clear. Give me a minute to get gone. Listen, if you want to talk to me, you...can ask Sebastian for my number. That way you don't have to be seen with me."

"You've said that twice now. The point has been made." He pointed out, voice dry and aloof again. "We are both aware that..."

"Let's drop it. I hate you less when you don't fuck things up even worse than they already are." She muttered, slipping through the door and pulling it firmly closed behind her.

Honestly, she didn't want to know what he had to say. He couldn't seem to stop sticking his fucking foot in his mouth, and she would like to end this for once without having to be mad at him. She wasn't sure if it would be worse or better if he didn't, at this point.

It seemed like neither of them had any idea what the hell was going on.

 


	10. Chapter 10

11:40   Why don't you pick up when I call you?

_11:41   Just text me :P_

11:45   It's difficult enough to convince myself to call you without you refusing it every time.

_11:45   I'll let you know when I'm done crying for you lol >D   I'm in class_

12:03   Are you coming over tonight or not?

_12:04   Not    theres a show I'm going to tonight_

12:04   By yourself?

12:04   Never mind, that's not my business.

_12:06   I'm going with an orgy  were all going to get drunk and get pregnant so we can get all that govt money_

12:08   I see, very clever. That way you won't have to know who the father is. Good to know you're planning to stick with tradition.

_12:08   Fuck You._

  


  


_08:02    Morning ;P_

08:12   ...I am trying to study, Ellana.

_08:15   I am trying to wake up_

08:20   Are you? You seem rather comfortable in bed, actually.

_08:21   LOL!! Not really :)   My rooommate is having sex  zzzzz  dont tell but theyre kinda boring_

08:21   You are texting me while listening to your roommate have sex? Don't they want privacy?

_08:22   They do have privacy   I'm pretending not to be awake ;)_

08:23   I think we have different definitions of privacy.

_08:24   You've never lived until you've accidentally tripped over ppl having sex in the woods_

08:35   Noted.

  


  


_16:11   Sebs is trying to get me to go to your stupid party tonight GROSS :P tell him to stop_

16:13   It's not really your sort of party, no.

_16:15   I like how you act like drinking beer out of plastic cups and snooting over Barbara's new breast implants bought with daddys money is somehow an exciting night I should be jealous of_

16:16   Barbara?

_16:16   Seemed like a good rich shem name lol_

16:18   We can't all drink cheap tinned beer in the parking lot of a Sav-Mart.

_16:20   Savmarts kinda out of my price range >D  I was thinking more breaking into your room and sending you naked selfies all over your bed until you ditch the party and come fuck me_

16:37   If I say yes you're going to say something mocking, aren't you?

_16:40   Dammit_

  


  


11:19   Stop grinning at me. Yes, I can see you across the courtyard. Stop it.

_11:20   There once was a guy Fen'harel_

_11:20   Who thought he was very swell_

11:22   No.

_11:23   Turned out he's a cock_

_11:23   And hung like a sock_

_11:24   And now we're both going straight to hell_

_11:25   Your laughing :D_

11:25   Hung like a sock? What does that even mean?

_11:25   I have no idea  :D  your laughing again_

11:26   Only to keep from crying, I assure you.

  


  


18:03   Tell your little friend Velanna to stop causing problems.

_18:06   Are you winding up for a villain speech? B/c that sounded a lot like the start of one_

18:06   Do what I ask. Please.

_18:08   Vel gonna do what Vel gonna do and she got a point   its just some flyers_

18:09   I wouldn't expect you to understand, but she is spitting in the face of this institution.

_18:10   No she's bitching about the evil overlords lol      your family isnt this institution_

18:11   What do you think supports your education? Money. Hard-working people's money. People are putting in time and effort educating you people, and the least you could do is respect that and not publicly insult a corporation that donates a great deal to this university.

18:12   There is nuance, history, and a great many well-educated people who make these decisions, and they do not make them lightly. How many jobs are being created by that land you're clinging to? How many people's lives are being made better by it?

18:14   You are here, which is evidence enough that some of your people actually understand the value in joining the modern world. You cannot take what is being offered to you while spitting in the face of progress at the same time. If you want people to not think you're backwards leeches, the least you could do is start acting like it.

18:14   Please take them down.

18:33   Ellana?

  


 

09:46 Please pick up your phone.

_10:02   No_

10:02   It's been three days, how long are you going to be angry?

_10:15   Don't call us we'll call you_

10:16   What do you want me to say?

_10:20   Dunno    listen I'm really busy leeching I'll have to get back to you people later_

10:22   I am very sorry that your feelings were hurt, but if you could at least try to understand what I was trying to say...

_10:24   http://www.wikihow.com/Apologize_

_10:24   Study up frat boy_

  


  


08:38   You showed the texts to Cassandra? Why would you do that?

_08:56   She asked    Your an ass   I'm a fking poet_

08:57   She is furious with me. Why would you do that?

_08:59   You already asked  I told you   If you think your right why are you upset that shes mad??_

09:12   You're missing the point entirely. I'm angry because they were private.

_09:13   Cass is worried about you    she seems to think youre a good guy    I dont agree_

09:15   I don't care what you think about me.

_09:21   Yes you do >D which is super weird lol    does it get tiring being a hypocrite?_

09:22   Does it get tiring being an unbearable pain in my ass?

_09:23   Exhausting    I need to have a lie down_

  


  


11:48   Stop it.

_11:50   Stop what??_

11:50   Sucking on your straw like that. You know exactly what you're doing.

_11:51   I have no idea    why dont you tell me what I'm doing?? ;)_

11:53   What happened to being angry at me? Get your finger out of your mouth.

_11:55   Being pissed makes me horny  LOL I'm gonna keep it up til Vel notices and gets maaaad_

11:56   Don't you dare. The last thing I need is her having a reason to yell at me.

_11:56   Big bad son of the enemy seducing poor innocent dalish girls while stealing their laaand_

11:57   Last I remember I was making you furious enough to stop talking to me for a week, not seducing you. Stop doing that.

_11:58 I love making bad choices remember? Merrill noticed us flirting       LOL_

11:59   I am not flirting with you. I am being annoyed with you and trying to finish my lunch.

_12:01   Did you know you blush a little??_

_12:02   Yep there it is ;)_

_12:03   Oh no aggressively putting away ur phone and glaaaaring at me. :x Poor babys embarrassed..._

  


14:05   I was not embarrassed.

  


14:52   That was not an invitation to try and embarrass me by sending half naked pictures.

  


15:30   That was not me challenging you to send me...fully naked pictures. Please stop, Ellana.

_15:31   Jokes on you I was wearing socks    You know you love the butt <3_

  


17:20   Wait, do you have a tattoo?

_17:32   ROFL!!!!! Double checking the pics are we?? or triple? quad?_

17:35   Forget I asked.

_17:36   Yes I have a tat on my ass   Asstat   It's a butterfly    B/c I thought what' the most cliche thing ever I can get_

17:37   No, it would be cliche if it were on your ankle.

_17:38   Lets go out and get you a tat this weekend_

17:41   Absolutely not.

_17:42   Please?? We can get you a cocktat   an arrow that says   'this end up'_

17:42   Only if you get the same thing on the unmarked cheek.

_17:42   AHAHAHAHA <3_

  


  


22:18   What are you doing?

_22:19   Studying :D for once its me saying it_

22:21   On a Friday night? That seems a shame. Aren't there better things you could be doing with your time?

_22:22   Wait wait wait wait waaaaaaaaait wiait_

22:23   Waiting.

_22:23   Are you drunk?_

22:23   Tipsy.

_22:24   Are you at a party??_

22:25   It's very boring.

_22:25   Are you trying to booty call me???? :O_

22:26   That depends.

22:26   Is it working?

_22:27   Surely theres some cute lil bleach blonde w/a nearly orange tan hanging all over you_

22:35   It's you that I want.

_22:36   Now I know youre not sober or you would have finished that with    don't feel flattered_

22:36   Ir abelas, emma halam.

_22:38   Do you always break out the ancient languages when drunk? Are you actually sorry or just drunk sorry    also im not sure if that 'endearment' is flattering or insulting_

22:38   I don't know either, to be quite honest. It only seems to be true. To...both.

_22:40   Stop drinking and get water    and i'll_

_22:41   Be there soon_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not sure which texting format I prefer. I'll probably end up sticking with tradition, go back and change the previous chapter


	11. Chapter 11

This conversation was boring him to tears.  


Solas had checked out ages ago, and people still kept asking him what he thought about the Orlesian elections. As if any of them had a measured and researched opinion on the matter. It was like trying to discuss politics with the internet. They were only asking him because he was elven, not because they cared what he had to say. He'd tried to discreetly excuse himself several times, to no avail.

Some people just couldn't take a hint, which might have been due to the alcohol. He himself did try to be polite, but the time for polite was about a half a glass of whiskey ago. It was strange how dissatisfied he'd been as of late.

Restless, irritable, even.

"Excuse me, won't you?" He interrupted abruptly, turning and wandering away from the group, ignoring a small sound of offended protest.

He'd probably been expected to pay attention to someone in particular, it was difficult to remember with the way his mind was wandering. The phone in his pocket was heavy, luring his hand into his pocket now and again to idly fiddle with the power button. Temptation lingered, and once again he reminded himself he needed to be deleting those damn pictures.

Ellana had been torturing him all day. He'd given in earlier in the hopes that he could focus enough to work, and he promised himself he'd delete them afterwards. She didn't need to know she'd gotten a victory out of him, or that the last time his damned masturbatory fantasies _hadn't_ involved her was before the kiss in the kitchen. Clearing his head should have made it an easy choice. Getting it, and her out of his system.

It hadn't worked, as futile as every other time he'd attempted it.

The kitchen was quiet as he wandered into it, and he leaned his back against the counter, giving in yet again and sliding the phone out of his pocket. This time, however, it was another temptation entirely. The worst she could do would be to brush him off. He'd given up hope of anticipating her reactions when she'd gone from furious silence to making eyes at him across the dining hall with absolutely no reason for the change in attitude. Not that he was complaining. Especially not when he remembered that little smirk on her lips as she pursed them around her straw, eyes hot and drowsy, and...

And, yet again his mind and body went and betrayed him, leaving him with two options. Go upstairs and hope desperately that this time would be the time he managed to exorcise her, or actually contact her and hope she wouldn't make a mockery of it. Well, she likely would still make a mockery of it, but...his marginally intoxicated brain was considering that a fair price to pay to hear her lose control again.

Finally giving in, he unlocked his phone. It was slightly embarrassing that her texts were already open, but to be fair, it wasn't the texts he'd been...hmh. A distraction not needed. Quickly he scrolled back down past the pictures, and began to type.  


22:18 What are you doing?  


He didn't have to wait long for a response, which should have pleased him less than it did.

  


  


It had been over a damn hour.

He was getting tired of waiting, frankly, feeling more like an idiot by the minute. He shouldn't have to put up with this. What sort of game was she playing, anyways? Then again, he shouldn't be so hasty to judge, maybe she'd just gotten caught up, or...  


Frowning, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and thumbed it open, typing with perhaps a bit more force than necessary.

 

23:25 How do you define soon?  


He waited, impatiently, going to check out of the window again. Clear night, nothing to be seen apart from the usual traffic of a Friday night. Nothing lurking on the roof. It took a minute or two for his phone to buzz, and he glowered at the screen as he lifted it up.  


_23:27 I'm already here! Lol been here for a half hour where you at??_

23:27 What do you mean, you're here?

_23:28 I'm downstairs :D This party suuuuucks_

23:28 Downstairs. You're downstairs. I assumed you only discovered how to use a front door today in order to infuriate me?

_23:31 Oh calm down >D Sebs happy to see me!!_

23:32 Get up here now, please. Or leave.

_23:35 Grumpiest booty call ever_

23:35 Ellana. Please.

 

There was no further answer, and he fought the desire to head down the stairs. He didn't want to be seen with her, after all. That would just make things more difficult for everyone. Minutes ticked by, and his frustration grew, spurring him to pace irritably. Finally the door cracked open, and he turned to face it as she poked her head in, his glare meeting an infuriatingly impish smile.

"You were right, it is boring." She laughed as he strode over to take her by the arm and pull her in, immediately slamming the door closed with his free hand as she passed the threshold. "Whoops. Someone's pissed."

"Were you just trying to ensure that I was angry enough to amuse you?" He asked, unable to help the anger from leeching into his voice as he raked his gaze down over her. "Why do you do things like this?"

Were those nugs on her pants? Pajamas. Of course she'd shown up in pajamas. He could only assume it was a deliberate insult.

"This time, for once, it wasn't to piss you off." She admitted, still grinning enough that he didn't quite believe it. "It wasn't! See? Boop!"

Lifting a hand, she tapped her wrist against his nose, forcing him to lift his hand and catch her arm just below the elbow, moving it away. Frowning, he examined the elastic bandage wrapped securely around her hand and wrist.

"Why didn't you just tell me you were injured?" He asked pointedly, still thoroughly annoyed with her, hand idly wandering up to her elbow. "I wouldn't have suggested you come over."

"I've been in the frat house before, you ass. Remember? Sebastian invited me? You stuck your tongue down my throat?" She replied provokingly, uninjured hand distractingly toying with one of the buttons on his shirt. "Are you that paranoid? Paranoid that someone will connect the dots and find out we've been fucking around?"

"You don't want to be seen with me, either." He pointed out, trying to find a way to voice his irritation without proving her right. "So I suggest you stop acting as if you're wounded by it."

"Oooh." She replied, giving that little purse of her lips that she knew by now irritated him, both brows lifting. "But I am wounded. Remember? Hurt my wrist. Jacking off hobos behind the gas station."

The disdainful look he gave her only made her grin, and he sighed and rolled his eyes rather than give into it. It was nearly unfair how infectious her smiles were. She just had to prod him over and over again, didn't she? What she was trying to get out of him, he wasn't entirely certain.

"Okay, so maybe it was just picking up a pile of books the wrong way like an idiot, but you're smiling. I can see it..." She teased, low and playful, with that warm purr to her words that drove him absolutely insane. Somewhere between mockery and seduction, that lilt, prodding at him until he finally snapped back. "You are. Don't deny it. Stubborn, sullen, fucking pain in my..."

The small noise she made as he silenced her damned mouth with his was intensely satisfying in a visceral, animal way, heading straight south without checking in with the brain. Yet again, she’d gotten under his skin and set every single nerve on fire, infuriating and intoxicating in equal parts. He didn’t know which one of them was worse, her for driving him insane, or him for needing her to.

If her lips were damned, he’d be happy to go right to hell.

 

  


She had fully intended to mess around with him a bit more. It was funny, and the hate flirting really got her going, and it was fun to poke at him until he lashed out. Usually he needed a bit more encouragement, but it seemed like he'd run out of patience before she'd gotten there. Kiss seemed like such an inadequate word for what he was doing to her, leaving her feeling hot and bruised in the best possible way. She'd normally be giving as good as she got but he was just...savage right now. Seemed she'd pushed him a little too far.

_Good._

When he pulled back to gasp in a breath, the curve of his lower lip drew her to follow, and she dragged her tongue across it as he cradled her jaw, tight grip relaxing as he realized how he'd been clutching her. There was a slight throb from where his fingers had pressed in, but a welcome one, not uncomfortable. The little lick lured him back in, the heat in her stomach going liquid and lazy as he caught her tongue. It was...intense, that was really the only word for it, making things frantic one moment and then slow and hot the next, every freaking nerve tense and expectant.

It was hard to think, with adrenaline and arousal coursing through her, especially as one hand started toying with the hem of her shirt. He really did have nice fingers, she noticed idly as she gave a small sound of approval and they dragged up her stomach, her back arching lightly as his palm cupped her breast and gave a massaging squeeze. Shit, that was nice. She was a mess now, all need and butterflies in her stomach, but as he straddled her thigh and started grinding up against her hip, she knew he wasn't any better.

They weren't even kissing any more, just breathing against each other's lips, though he nuzzled the corner of her mouth approvingly as a small moan escaped her. It felt so damn good, and an one hand, she'd be okay with this forever, but he was so _fucking_ hard and she needed it now. Now before one of them decided to go back to being an asshole.

"I know...we're having our fun...screwing around and pissing each other off, but..." She began, breaking off with a little shudder as his fingers caught her nipple and rolled it slowly.

"Hmmnh?" He asked wordlessly against her ear, the little vibration against her skin making her squirm.

"If you do not fuck me, I swear I will never speak to you again."

Silence for a second, and he pulled back to stare at her, lips tightened thoughtfully. A little breathless, and still all too aware that his hand was up her shirt groping her tit, she squinted back, expectantly.

Finally he shrugged, declaring easily as he released her and reached both hands down to strip her shirt over her head, "Both seem like perfectly good outcomes."

Surprise quickly followed by annoyance, she glared at him as he tossed her shirt aside, hair falling across her face, partially impeding her view. She was ready for a comeback, but for once his smirk was playful, not arrogant when she found his face again. Ellie liked that one a lot better.

"Ass." She told him, momentary distraction fading as he leaned back in, heartbeat picking back up again. Reaching up, she grabbed the front of his shirt and twisted as she stepped around him, dragging him willingly with her.

She had his shirt, so she might as well take it off of him, she decided as they distractedly stumbled backwards. He descended on her while she fought with the buttons, and then the short trip suddenly got a lot more complicated.

Between the door and the bed she'd somehow managed to trip twice, which she was going to blame on the fact that her pants were suddenly down around her ankles. She was far more concerned with cursing under her breath at the buttons on his shirt as she tried to fumble them open, his hands down the back of her panties not really helping anything. Well, it was helping _something_ , but not the whole getting to the bed thing. And it certainly didn't keep her up when gravity won at last.

His hands slid free of her as she fell, landing directly on her ass with a yelp, tangled pants twisted around her ankles enough to stall her. Dumbfounded, he stared down at her in confusion, his pants halfway down his hips, shirt half unbuttoned. Shock faded, and her mind pointed out to her that this was hardly fair.

So, naturally, she reached for his pants and yanked them down.

  


Somehow in between undressing each other and trying to get to the bed, they'd ended up play fighting, which was weird. She'd just meant to get his pants off of him, but then _he'd_ ended up on the floor, and while she was rolling around laughing he'd thrown them at her. Sadly, she was down to her underwear, and was out of ammunition, so she'd had to pounce on him to try and take his shirt.

She was pretty sure, by the time fighting turned back into making out- this time without any clothes in the way- that she'd won this fight. She would have told him so, but she'd gotten distracted. Mostly by the hand that'd slipped between her legs, and the long, clever fingers that were sliding their way into her. When she protested with a faint groan, he curled them lightly and dragged them back out again, making her hips writhe, the little jolt of pleasure twisting in her belly.

The noise he made was approving, but it stopped halfway through, and she drowsily cracked open an eye to peer up at him.

"Bed." He informed her succinctly, and she glanced to the side.

Okay, yeah, they hadn't made it to the bed yet. Floor wasn't that bad, though, but...

"Condom." She countered impatiently, and with a hint of a smile he rose, a little awkwardly, and offered her down a hand.

She took it, after stopping herself midway to avoid straining her bad wrist, stumbling to her feet unevenly. Her hip nudged in against his thigh, and he dragged her in for another devouring kiss, tongue forcing its way past her swollen lips. She had to push against his chest to stop this one, and he staggered back a half step, a hint of a smug smile teasing the edge of his mouth as he turned for his nightstand. She watched him go, eyes narrowed.

He bent over, and her eyes followed the motion, fixing in on it. The urge to smack his ass was almost unbearable, but she had a feeling that would send things off track again, so she shelved it in her dirty brain for later. She was still staring when he turned back around, but luckily the other side of the view was just as pleasant.

_Hmmh._

Bridging the distance between them, she reached up and snatched the condom out of his fingers before he could open it. While he stared at her, she grinned, and reached up to shove his shoulder, pushing him towards the bed. Willingly he stumbled back, landing heavily on the edge of it, and she followed with a little meandering sway to her hips.

"Can I help you?" He asked with a hint of amusement, voice low and pleased in a way that made the little throb of arousal all the worse.

She wondered if he knew that his voice was practically sex itself like that, all smooth and sinuous and lazy, free of the annoying condescension he seemed to carry around. Ellie wasn't going to tell him, that's for damn sure. No need to inflate his ego.

"Nah. I'll help myself, if that's all right with you." She replied, smirk widening to a grin as he gestured expansively, and then leaned back on his hands.

She was tempted to put on the condom with her mouth, which was always a fun trick, but she had a feeling if she got down on her knees she wasn't going to feel like coming back up again. Instead she leaned over him as she tossed the packet aside and rolled it on smoothly, taking her time to explore while she did.

"Hmm, yeah, I still like this." She decided, murmuring an inch away from his lips, enjoying the way he shivered as her hand languidly stroked upwards. "Scoot back a little, hmh?"

Obligingly he shifted back far enough for her to climb up onto the bed, resting her weight on her knees as he twisted a hand in her hair and pulled her down to his mouth. So easy to get lost there, tongues twisting, lips battered enough now to throb when they sloppily met. His grip in her hair tightened, and then abruptly released, fingers sliding down to her waist, caressing the curve of it and then moving for her hips.

She'd noticed he didn't say a whole lot, but he didn't have to, really. She knew what he wanted.

Making sure to use her uninjured hand, the other sliding behind his neck, she reached down for his cock again, heavy in her palm as she groped him, a lazy stroking caress. The kiss broke with a moan, and she smiled in satisfaction, guiding him between her thighs. It was almost embarrassing how wet she was, but he was transfixed, not smug, tense with anticipation, a heavy breath shuddering against her cheek. It was weird how the intensity of it got to her, made her momentarily uncomfortable before the intense _need_ to have him inside of her finally took over.

His eyes shifted down to watch as she slowly pressed down onto him, fingers dimpling her skin as he clutched at her hips. The first thrust was slow, but it needed to be as she adjusted to him, the aching tightness gradually giving way to satisfaction. Good, he felt so damn good, hard and thick and sinking in deep as she got impatient and greedy. It maybe ached a little as she pulled back and then thrust down again, but fuck it, she didn't care. She needed him, all of him, right now. The arm behind his neck clutched tighter as she rolled her hips, stomach flexing. Biting down on her lower lip, she gave a small nod as his hands firmed their grip, her thighs tensing. Her hips met his coming up at last as he pulled her down, her heavy cry louder than his muffled against her throat, her back arching backwards.

Arm tight, she held him there as she started riding him the instant she recovered, far too gone to bother with any more teasing. No, this was what she wanted, rough and dirty and frenzied, his breath spilling against her throat, his hands on her ass now, groping greedily. He was inside her, and he was damn well perfect, and that's all she'd really needed all this time. Why the hell had it taken her so long?

His lips finally left her throat, breaking the grip of her arm as he licked his way up to her ear, a pleased groan breaking through his heavy breaths. She barely registered the words, broken as they were, far too consumed with fucking him.

"...hold on."

The fingers tightening on her ass were the only other warning she got before he abruptly shifted, half lifting off the bed, hips grinding into hers as he held her securely. Her little noise of confusion abruptly turned into a gasp as he turned over and dropped her onto the bed, sprawling out on her back, ass barely on the edge. She was still a little dizzy as he grabbed her waist and pulled her back up, her legs reflexively slinging over his hips and tightening to hold on for dear life.

Fingers tangling in the blankets, she bit down on her lower lip as he entered her again, gliding in smoothly, any thoughts of protesting dying instantly. Normally she didn't like being ousted from her position, but already worked up past caring, as he started thrusting she quickly became aware that the angle was just...fucking...perfect. The first high-pitched curse that escaped her as his hips slapped against hers startled him, but the split second pause barely stalled the rhythm. She bit down on the side of her hand as he repeated the motion, harder than before, cry escaping as a whimper.

"Don't..." He demanded roughly, tension making his voice tight, "Let me hear it..."

She didn't have the breath to remind him that he had a house full of people, but honestly, she was past giving a shit herself. This time when his hips slapped against her ass, she let the throaty cry escape unstifled, and he groaned harshly in approval. The next thrust was harder, and faster, and it didn't take long for both of them to lose control completely,

So close, she was so damn close when he dug his fingers into her hips and jerked her back against him, the last few thrusts shallow and frantic. The bed shifted as he leaned forward and knelt on the edge, arm sliding around just above her ass to support her, holding her close as he freed his other hand to slide between their bodies. An awkward tangle, but it hardly mattered when he was still shivering and panting for breath, and she was caught on the edge, moans scaling to a sharp cry of relief as his fingers found her.

His arm tightened as her back arched, his breath hissing out roughly as she gave in at last. Hard, and fast, the ecstatic tremors coursed through her, and he pushed her through them. The intensity of it almost hurt, but that only made it better, leaving her raw and throbbing when she collapsed, going limp in his grip.

A wordless protest and a sweaty hand tugging at his wrist finally got him to stop tormenting her poor overstimulated body. Carefully he slid his hand out from between them, and she squirmed violently at the unintentional tease, a murmured, breathless apology panted out. Tension flooded out of her, and she released the blanket with aching fingers, letting herself go languidly soft. In her limp, non-functional state, it didn't occur to her that she should be disapproving when he sprawled out over her. At the moment, she was more concerned with tucking her cheek into the curve of his neck, and then trying to remember how to breathe.

"Holy _fuck_..." She sighed out heavily against his shoulder, mind too blank for anything else.

All she received in response was a faint groan of agreement, a murmur of sound muffled by the bed. Then there was silence, relaxed at first as they both caught their breath, listening to the distant sounds of the party going on downstairs hazily, just a murmur of sound and the thump of bass. The comfortable silence turned a little stiff the longer it went on, but neither of them moved until one of the muscles in her thigh protested with a small spasm. She felt him laugh silently, a shiver of his chest, and a hand reached down to slide up the underside of her thigh to her knee as she disentangled herself.

It felt sort of nice, not that she was going to tell him that.

"All right?" He murmured, and she nodded, wincing as she dropped her legs and his hips pulled back, feeling him slid free of her, the sensation making her stomach clench.

"I was just hanging on a little tight." She finally mumbled, hand falling over her face as he pulled up off of her.

Sweaty skin suddenly exposed to the air made her shiver as she listened idly to the sounds of him cleaning up. A little uncomfortable, but not enough that she felt like moving. Should she say something? Normally she wouldn't be thinking much at all right now, but it wasn't exactly the most...normal of situations.

She was still considering thinking about maybe possibly saying something when the bed shifted again, and his weight settled back over her again. A protest was being formed, but then he was kissing her, soft and wet and lazy, and she didn't care enough to complain any more. The hand that had been covering her eyes slid up to the back of his neck, massaging idly as he left her lips, brushing slow kisses down her cheek to the edge of her jaw. She could feel her dumb injured wrist throbbing a little, but she didn't care.

Hard to remember she wasn't supposed to like him right now, but if she was being honest, she'd been doing a shit job of that all night. Shit job of a few things, really, including the fact that they probably should have talked about this beforehand, and...

_Oh. Oops._

"Stop." She murmured abruptly, ruefully, and then immediately regretting it as he froze, breathing out heavily against the side of her neck. "You're sober, right? Shit, I should have asked that before."

"Yes." He replied, voice slow, satisfied, and slightly amused. "I am not drunk. You're asking _now_?"

"Yes, shut up." She groused, rolling her eyes, having a feeling she sounded more pouty than anything else. "Better late than never. Stop smirking at me. I hate you."

"I suppose so. You're trying so hard to be irritated with me. It's almost...charming." He was being smug, and she didn't like that, but damn it, he was right. This time. "I wasn't aware that you knew how to be."

"Shut up more. You're not going to...be weird about this, are you? I mean, even if this _works_ ," It was difficult for her to quite get it out, but she forced it out anyways, because it had to be said and probably should have been said before. Dammit, she'd done this all backwards. "And we're just...fucking it out of our systems, you're not going to...make this _bad_ , are you? I know you don't like me, and I don't like you, but..."

He sighed again, but at least this time it didn't sound annoyed, pushing up on his elbows and staring down at her. She finally cracked open an eye to meet it. Damn it, why did he have to be so gorgeous? Especially right now, just a little flushed and sweaty, which made all the angles of his face stand out even more. Stupid ridiculously hot asshole.

"I am not that sort of person." He informed her, sounding a little irritated again. "Are you?"

"I don't talk shit about people I sleep with, no." She couldn't help the slightly sick, squirmy feeling in her stomach as she said it. Maybe she could blame it on this weird dynamic, or that she didn't like him very much, but it was hard to trust him now that it all had worn off. "Whatever, I'm being dumb."

She was in the middle of trying to find something else to say as he abruptly tucked both arms under her and scooped her up, pulling her up off of the bed. She let herself be tugged up into a sitting position, lips pursing suspiciously as she met his gaze. He smiled as she slowly lifted an eyebrow, and then abruptly heaved her up again with both hands around her waist, throwing her up the bed.

_Hey!_

The sudden movement made her stomach lurch, head light as she tumbled back against the pillows, a faint yelp escaping her lips. He'd pulled up as if to follow her, but had gotten distracted halfway through the movement. Considering the direction of his stare, it probably had something to do with the bouncing.

"I'm leaving." She informed him in the firmest voice she could manage, and he frowned at her, finally glancing up. "You don't expect me to stay, do you?"

"I have learned not to expect anything...or at least I hope that I have." He replied mildly after a flicker of annoyance crossed his face, finally following her up the bed. "We were having a conversation, and you're naked. I have at least a minute or two, even if you're intent on running off."

"Fine." She groaned, rolling her eyes and flopping back as he approached, maybe still a bit too limp and comfortable to think about getting up. It was a good excuse. "What?"

"Are you done with me?" He asked bluntly, and she pursed her lips and glanced downwards, musingly.

"I guess not." She finally decided after she'd taken her time enjoying the view, which was as pleasant as his face, impishly pleased at the slight flush. "For now at least."

"I feel much the same, despite all efforts to the contrary." He sighed, and finally sprawled on his side next to her, lifting a hand to drag it down his face.

For once it didn't feel like an insult, probably because she felt exactly the same way. This whole situation was bizarre as hell. They'd both tried, and failed. And then they both stopped trying so hard, and shit just...kept happening.

"Okay, so...?" She asked expectantly, eyeing him suspiciously. He was leaning in towards her, but she was ready for his damn tricks by now. He was not going to cuddle with her again, incredible sex or no.

"No arguing." He suggested, and when she raised her eyebrows, gestured to the room at large. "Here, we keep things as amicable as possible. I'm being serious."

"Oh yeah, like you're capable of that." She replied testingly, and then grinned slightly as he opened his mouth, and then closed it sharply, eyes narrowing at her. "Oh come on, that was funny."

"Hilarious." He drew the word out until she rolled her eyes and shoved at his shoulder, amused that she managed to make him sway. "I need you to agree to this, please. Being constantly on guard is exhausting."

"How do you turn it off?" She laughed, though the sound died at the strange look he gave her.

"You're always like this. Really?" He asked, making her scowl, nose crinkling. "I find that difficult to believe."

"You don't have to believe it." She retorted, and then let out a soft sigh as he leaned down, nose nudging against the side of her neck again. "Fine. Okay, fine. No being actual assholes at each other. I'm still gonna tease you, though. You need it."

"I disagree." He murmured quietly, the movement of his lips barely brushing against her sweaty skin.

"I'm leaving." She was still pretty sure he was about three seconds from trying to snuggle her, and no way she was putting up with that.

"Give me an hour." He demanded, and then chuckled at her faint 'ugh'. "What did you plan to do, go wandering back through the party in this state? In an hour people will be leaving."

"I have to not argue with you for a whole hour?" She protested, yanking a pillow out from under her head threateningly as his arm slid across her bare stomach. "Don't you dare."

"You are being an incredible pain, do you know that?" This time he murmured it against her cheek, and she was smirking faintly as she turned her head to meet him. At least, she was until she noticed something for the first time, his expression going puzzled as she squinted at him. "What?"

"You have freckles." She laughed abruptly, wondering why she was so surprised by it, lifting a finger to poke the end of his nose as he tried to escape. "Oh for fuck's sake, fratboy, that's actually kinda cute."

"Please shut up." He groaned, gently swatting away her bandaged hand.

There was no way she was going to, especially now that she was laughing at him. She even dodged his first attempt to kiss her into submission, and the pillow fended him off for a few more minutes. Eventually, though, he won the battle.

She may have let him win.

  


 


	12. Chapter 12

09:02   Very mature. I am glad I noticed before I left the house.

_09:34   Good morning to you too lol >D just be glad I used highlighter and not permanent marker_

09:35   You watch too many idiotic movies. Drawing on people's faces is not funny.

_09:35   It was a public service I was warning people ur a dickhead :D_

09:35   I am sorry for falling asleep.

_09:36   Is ok :) Not mad abt that got work tho_

09:38   I don't understand that. Don't you have scholarships? Why are you working all the time?

_09:39   Spending money Classes are easy + boring nothing else to do_

09:39   Have you tried taking more challenging things?

_09:42  No point when I don't know what I want to do_

09:44   Last night was...I don't regret it. I hope you don't either _._

_09:44   This is weird kinda but no I don't prob won't regret next time it happens either >D_

09:49   Well, that answers my next question.

_09:50   ;)_

  
  


  
  


12:03   The older I get the more I realize I have absolutely nothing in common with other elves.

_12:19   okaaay?? Is this something I'm expected to care/know/ w/e about?_

12:21  Right, talking to the wrong person. How could I forget?

_12:21   SIGH fine    Oh no Fenharel (lol tried 2 change ur name to fennel), named after a god or w/e why are you so sad about not being like the puny mortals??_

12:22   Gotten that out of your system?

_12:22   Nah. Not really...whats up?_

12:23   Someone asked me what 'kind' of Elvhen I was. What could I possibly say to that?

_12:29   LOL...they're trying to figure out why you're not poor dude_

12:31   Dude?

_12:32   Dude_

12:32   Please no.

_12:49   Gonna get all up on that...ride you like a wild halla...just make you go crazy..._

12:49   No.

_12:52   Look you deep in the eyes as you cum and whisper in your ear so fucking tenderly..._

12:52   Stop.

_12:52   ...dude_

_12:52   You're laughing aren't you_

_12:52   :D_

 

  
  


 

_16:03   WTF was that_

16:05   I'm busy.

_16:05  So you come into my job and b/c you're with your asshole friends you have to treat me like shit_

16:06   Do you want people to know we're sleeping together? I was under the impression that we were on the same page in regards to this.

_16:08   Solas you ass there is a difference b/t being indifferent and being a raging cockbag_

16:09   I was not.

_16:09   Yes. You were. Excuse me we have places to be...lol they'll hire anyone it seems blah blah blah_

16:10   I was trying to ensure there was no suspicion!

_16:11   Ignoring me would have worked asshole. What you did was bullying me when I couldn't fight back_

_16:15   I can see you writing you know. Either you're ranting or you figured out I'm right. Sorry will work_

_16:15   This time >(_

16:21   Ir abelas, emma halam.

_16:22   I spit in your drink_

16:28   I'm not certain why that made me throw it out. I have had your tongue in my mouth.

_16:28   Jokes on you I didn't spit in it. REVENGE_

_16:28   But seriously...pls never again_

16:29   You're right, I panicked. That was beneath me.

_16:31   SIGH once again Solas misses the point_   
  


  
  


_23:02   Are you up??_

23:05   Studying.

_23:08   Boring unlock your window_

_23:09   I just got home but roomie is Busy lol_

23:09   It's unlocked. Where were you?

_23:11   At a thing I met a girl in a band_

23:12   ...Ah.

_23:16   Lol. You don't use ...s unless you mean it._

23:17   I'm taking some dishes downstairs, do you want anything?

_23:18   Water pls! ty_

23:18   You're welcome.  
  


  
  


_10:49   You know Seb knows right??_

11:37   No, I do not know that. Should I? What exactly does he know?

_11:39   LOL HE DIDNT TELL YOU?!?! >D_

11:40   Wait, Sebastian knows? Does he know everything?

_11:42   Thaaaat I don't know. He saw me sneak in or out of your window once tho_

11:45   You didn't tell me? This explains a great deal. He's been very odd lately.

_11:46   He thinks you need a Cassandravention to fix your buttheadedness_

11:46   I have no idea what you are talking about.

_11:48   Fenharel god of denial and butt grabs_

11:49   Eventually you will get tired of this, I tell myself.

_11:50   Something something bed wolf_

11:50   Now you're not even trying.

  
  


  
  


18:02   What are you doing.

_18:03   Nooooothing wolfie_

18:03   Liar. Don't distract me with annoying nicknames. What are you doing?

_18:04   You tell me_

18:04   You don't get to saunter past me like that in the library when you know I'm studying.

_18:05   Whos sauntering?? I'm just walking if you noticed something its entirely your addled perception_

18:05   You think that's clever, do you? Throwing my own words back at me.

_18:06   Maaaaaybeeee >D_

18:06   Go away, emma halam.

_18:07   Its past six go eat something why is the SoL library open so late anyways???_

18:07   Don't bother me.

18:07   I will eat later.

 

18:12   Ellana!

18:12   What is wrong with you?

18:13   Get back here right now.

_18:14   Nooooooo_

18:15   Get back here and get your underwear. Right now.

_18:16   Study room 2 is open_

_18:16   Come eat something :9_

18:20   I'm not hungry enough to risk it.

18:20   But...provide a bit of encouragement, and we'll see if my appetite picks up.

 

18:22   Hmm. Getting there. Try one more finger.

18:24   ...Perfect.

18:24   Incidentally, if we get caught it's entirely your fault.

_18:25   STFU and get over here_

 

  
  


  
  


20:02   Window's unlocked.

_20:38   SRY! Was getting on the bus I'm heading downtown to meet someone_

20:42   ....All right.

_20:45   I'd break in when I get home but I'll prob be sloppy drunk and it'll be like 3am_

20:46   Fine.

_20:48   Seb said you had a party tonight_

20:50   Not feeling that enthusiastic, but it seems I may as well attend. I don't have anything else to do.

_20:51   Or   you could come meet me not like you'll know anyone_

21:25   I'd rather we weren't seen together.  
  


 

 

13:21   If your friend is going to pick a fight with me in public, no, I am not going to ignore it.

 

11:43   Aggressively ignoring me every time you're upset with me does not solve anything.

 

_21:18   Which is it_

21:20   Oh, are the three days of silent treatment up already? Which is what?

_21:20   Do you not want to be seen with me ever and want me to not acknowledge your existence and you be a dick to me in public, or do you want to get jealous when I see other people and try to force me into spending the night and be weirdly clingy? Right now your doing both and its not working_

21:21   I am not.

_21:21   Yes you are_

21:21   I am not jealous, and I am certainly not clingy.

_21:22   ..._

21:24   What is that supposed to mean?

_21:24   I was being you sulking every time I go out with someone._

21:24   I do not.

_21:26   THIS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE >(_

21:26   Neither is you picking fights with me and giving me the silent treatment like a child.

_21:28   Well I can't talk to you about it in your room and you won't talk to me in public so what tf am I supposed to do?_

21:28   You're giving me a headache.

_21:30   Take the pills I left you_

21:31   I don't know where I put them.

_21:32   -.-_

21:35   I miss you.

_21:36   Doooon't do that :/ I'm mad at you_

21:36   Isn't three days long enough? Come over.

_21:52   I want a backrub_

21:52   Deal.  
  


  
  


  
  


_10:07   Did you see the news this morning?_

10:11   My uncle mentioned it at Sunday dinner. I'm surprised the news picked it up so quickly.

_10:11   Nothing to say about it?_

10:11   You know my feelings on the matter. Do you want to have this argument again?

_10:13   Right lazy backwards leeches...how could I forget that_

10:14   You already knew how I felt, so there is absolutely no point getting angry at me about it. Did you mention it to try and start a fight?

_10:14   Why are you being so defensive? I haven't even said anything yet_

10:14   I am not being defensive. You picked a fight with me over this before.

_10:15   Meh_

10:15   What is that supposed to mean?

_10:15   It means your right...not my job to wake you up from your own stupidity and open up your elitist worldview or whatever_

_10:15   I'm not here for your fking character development by all means keep being an ass_

10:27   Firstly, I don't even know what exactly you mean by that, and secondly, I wish everyone would stop acting as if there is something wrong with me.

_10:27   I shouldn't have said anything_

10:27   On that at least we can agree.

  
  


 

07:34   I thought we agreed we were going to keep things amicable in my room.

_08:02   I don't know what you mean_

08:02   You left while I was in the bathroom, and you didn't even bother saying goodbye.

_08:03   Yeah_

08:16   And?

_08:22   You can have amicable or you can have me hanging around to listen to you shove your foot in your mouth_

08:22   I am getting tired of this, Ellana.

_08:23   You know what? Me too...you actually keep fooling me into ALMOST thinking your a decent person and then you fuck it up_

08:38   Can we talk about this at least?

_08:38   Why should we talk theres nothing to talk about theres nothing here theres nothing to fix or save or WHATEVER so why the fuck should we be talking about this??_

08:42   I don't know what to say. I just think that we should.

_08:43   Spoilers well get mad at each other b/c you think I'm trash and I think you're a elitist snob so no point talking_

08:43   I don't think you're trash.

_08:45   I am THOSE PEOPLE, Solas!! I am those people. Just because I'm not putting up flyers and yelling at street corners or living in a caravan or making a giant fuss doesn't mean I am not them     I am not an ABSTRACT!!! You don't get to peel me away from my upbringing home and family just because you decided for some reason I'm different or I'm acceptable or whatever fucking lies you tell yourself so you can fuck me without remorse while your uncle FUCKS US OVER_

09:07   I am not my uncle. You're still upset about this?

_09:09   Then why are you trying so hard to BE him?_

09:12   You don't understand.

_09:15   DO YOU even understand?? You know I wasn't going to get involved but now maybe I think I will_

09:15   Just to spite me?

_09:15   Not about you a lot of things aren't_

09:15   I know that.

_09:16   Sometimes I believe that Solas...and then sometimes I don't. Who the fuck are you? Seriously I can't figure it out_   
  


14:53   ...I don't know.  
  


 

  
  


_01:24   Wake up_

_01:26   WAKE UP WAKE UP ANSWER YOUR PHONE_

01:32   What? It's one in the morning.

_01:34   I have drunk Seb in my room and he's freaking out over something about his dad and I can't get ahold of Cass_

01:34   I'll be right there. Bowman building, yes?

_01:34   238 B wing...Solas I think his dad might have had a heart attack or somethign_

01:35   I'm coming. I will be right there. Give me ten minutes.

 


	13. Chapter 13

  
  


Being woken up at almost two in the morning was rarely pleasant, but that surge of adrenaline did a good deal to clear Solas' head as he crossed along the edge of the campus, heading for the dorms. Unsurprising to see a few people out, even if it wasn't a weekend, but no one gave him more than a passing glance.

If Sebastian was already hanging around, it likely meant her resident advisor didn't care, so he should be safe enough. The front door locked, but anyone who had been here for longer than a year knew that all you had to do was go around to the maintenance door, because they never changed the passcode. Which they hadn't. A bit of nostalgia there, breaking into the dorms, but not precisely the good kind. Mostly due to the person attached to said memories.

The back stairs were quiet, even if no one respected the rules, they at least respected the quiet hours. Exams were coming up, so now most of all.

When he pushed through the door on the second floor, he could hear the quiet sounds of people talking, though the first thing that captured his attention was Ellana standing alone in the hall with her phone and a mug.

"A bit much for you?" He asked as he approached, and she glanced up, offering over the mug. "What's that?"

"Coffee. I know you hate it, but I thought I'd offer." She replied dryly, and then continued as he accepted it. "My roommate kicked us out, but Lanaya's across the hall, she took us in. Her roommate's never home. Just give them a minute, she's good at this stuff."

"Thank you." It was the thing to say, as he cupped both hands around the mug, letting the warmth sink into his fingers. It was rather cold out. "I am...sorry for the inconvenience."

"He's _my_ friend too, asshole." She retorted, probably a bit more sourly than the situation called for. When he raised an eyebrow, she sighed. "I'm still mad."

After a moment to collect his own thoughts, he realized that he wasn't angry. Should he say as much? It was difficult to know. With a slight face, he took another sip of the coffee, letting it burn its way down. Disgustingly bitter, but it got the job done.

"I have no idea how to resolve it." He admitted, and she gave a small snort, arms folding under her chest. "Can we please just put the argument behind us?"

"It doesn't solve any problems. It never does, that's why we _keep_ fighting." She pointed out sourly, lower lip jutting out. When he reached for her elbow, though, she let herself be tugged in, reluctantly. "Knock it off."

"Do you _mean_ that?" He asked, and was rewarded with a heavy, slow sigh as she bumped her hip against his thigh. "I didn't think so."

"Aren't you afraid there's people around?" She replied in a little growl, which had ceased to bother him a while ago. "I wouldn't want you to be seen with me."

"Stop bickering with me and kiss me." He was far too tired for sniping with her, and she didn't really mean it. He could tell the difference, especially by now. "You always go back to this argument when you're upset with me."

"I'm always upset with you." She retorted, slumping slightly against him, a warm, welcome weight. He resisted the urge to slide an arm around her waist and pull her in. "Because you're a giant pain in my...bleh. I'm really worried about him."

"I am too." He admitted, glancing down at the phone in her hand as she fiddled with it, letting himself indulge in a caress along her cheek with the back of his knuckles. "Has it hit the news yet?"

"No. Not yet. I didn't really realize that was a concern." She murmured, and then sighed and glanced up as he nudged her chin with a finger. "I'm still angry."

"Noted."

The kiss, at least, wasn't angry as her lips met his, body slumping against him a little more firmly as she popped up on her toes. She'd been drinking coffee as well, he could taste it, but somehow it wasn't quite so unpleasant coming from her tongue. He could feel her relaxing, which was appreciated. The bickering and sniping and playing games had been...exciting, at first, but now he was starting to tire of it. Not all of the games, certainly, but the contentious ones were much more exhausting than they used to be.

She could be so sweet and charming, and devastatingly clever, and that was the woman whose company he was admittedly starting to become rather fond of.

Worryingly so, actually, in those few moments when they were both relaxed and calm and she'd let down her guard. They just couldn't seem to stop fighting any time they weren't...well, post-coital was being bluntly honest about it.

When the kiss broke, she wasn't scowling any more, but she did sigh and bat his hand away fretfully, lower lip pouting. He was about to speak when they heard the door opening across the hall, and she violently pulled back and away. Hand jerking away from her, he turned his attention to the coffee as she leaned away from him, putting space between them quickly as she lifted her phone.

He vaguely recognized the face that peeked out, mild-eyed and thoughtful, her pale hair twisted up from her face. She looked fairly alert, but still roused out of bed much like Ellana did.

"He's okay. Well, not really okay." She remarked, Ferelden accent heavy. "But it seems his father is likely to pull through, and he's calmed down."

"I apologize. I will get him out of your room as quickly as possible." He promised, wondering why he felt such a sudden need to be polite. She was one of them, after all, and the gaze turned to him was critical, narrow, her lips pursing.

He did have manners, and it harmed nothing to be polite to her.

"He's not being a bother, especially not for being drunk. Nice enough, anyways, and Ellie vouches for him." Lanaya replied cautiously, voice calm and quiet. "What's all this about the news, then? He's going on about it."

"It is an election year next year." He answered shortly, and then gestured to the door. "May I?"

"I suppose so..." Lanaya responded, a little dubiously, and stepped out of the doorway and to the side. "I'll just chat a little with Ellana, give you a moment."

"Thank you."

Once again, he got the feeling that wasn't how Lanaya expected him to respond. Her stare tracked him as he slipped past her, but he avoided it. She might not think much of him, but she didn't quite seem...hostile. Not like Velanna, at least.  
  


  
  


  
  


As Solas shut the door, a very thoughtful stare was turned on her, Lanaya crossing her arms, lips pursing. It was a pointed stare, and very much her 'kindergarten teacher' look, which Ellie was more familiar with than she'd like to admit. Eventually she relented under the weight of it, giving an explosive sigh.

"Okay, fine, how much did you see?" She asked exasperatedly, still avoiding the stare. She was way too good at it, it was uncomfortable. "And stop glaring at me."

"I'm not glaring, Ellie, I'm just looking. Perhaps it's your own guilty conscience that's making you feel so." Lanaya suggested, and then shook her head at her small snort. "Really? Really, truly? How long has that been going on?"

"A few...weeks." Ellie admitted, heaving a long sigh at Lanaya's faint exclaimation. "It's not a thing! It's...barely a thing. It's nothing at all."

"Ellana Mae Lavellan, you are full of shit." Lanaya replied bluntly, crossing her arms, Ellie wincing at the full-naming. Almost as bad as the Stare. "You're lucky I just peeked out instead of opening the door. Velanna is going to have a heart..." Stopping, Lanaya glanced over her shoulder at the door, and then sighed and shook her head. "You know what I meant. Creators, Ellie."

"Velanna's not going to find out! Because there's nothing to find out, Lana." She hissed, and then wilted again under the mild gaze. "Seriously. I don't even like him. We spend all of our time fighting."

"Fighting? Is that what you were doing? My mistake, then. I didn't realize tongue-wrestling was a recognized fighting style now."

"Okay, so...fighting and having...a lot of sex." She allowed, because there was no point in denying it now. "Just don't tell anyone, okay?"

She knew a lecture was coming. Was it bad that she was so tired of keeping this all so secret that she'd take a lecture? Anyways, it was Lana, and Lana wouldn't be weird about it. She might disapprove, she might scold her, but she wouldn't look down on Ellie.

"I know you're not happy here...maybe you should take some time and figure out what you really want. Find something to work for, find yourself a reason to be here. A bit of hard work will give you something to focus your energy on, we both know you're just coasting by, you admitted it." Lanaya suggested, rousing a heavy sigh as Ellie turned away, pacing a few steps down the hallway. "I do get it, you're upset, you hate it here, but there's a difference between rebelling and being self-destructive."

"That's not...!" It was really all she could think of to say, because damned if she had a _good_ reason for all of this. "It's not a big deal. I don't _like_ him."

"Then why are you sleeping with him? You don't like him, you fight all the time? Your friends don't care for him, his father..."

"Uncle." Ellie corrected absently, slumping against the wall.

"All right then, his uncle is the head of a corporation trying to steal from the clans, and from what I've seen so far, considering how he bickers with Velanna...he seems to be completely all right with that. And you're First, Ellie. _First_. The future of your clan is in your hands, you know that, so, Ellie..." The Stare was back, and she fidgeted and avoided it as Lanaya continued in her calmest, easiest voice. "Why in the bloody hell are you sleeping with him?"

She really hadn't wanted to think about this, if she was being honest. About a lot of it, including the fact that she wasn't really wanting to think about a life of clan administration waiting for her. She'd thought she wanted it for a while, but she was starting to realize she just sort of wanted...to know what the hell to do with herself.

And everyone had been so _happy_ with her, for once in her damn life.

Was this really her being self-destructive?

"Sometimes I kinda like him. And he is cute as hell when he laughs, and he has freckles on his damn nose." She finally admitted, closing her eyes and slumping against the wall in defeat. There it was. Nope, it wasn't just her trying to fuck herself over, she apparently had an actual _thing_ for him. "Shit. Really? Ugh, I guess it's true. Except he keeps _ruining_ it. And...the sex is _really_ good, Lana."

"Ellie." Lanaya sighed, and she squinted her eyes closed tighter. "You are bloody ridiculous."

"I knoooow. And the worst part is I've been wanting to talk about it, so I'm not going to shut up about it." She groaned, wiping both hands down her face, head thumping against the wall. "He's such a stuck-up snob and his voice is like _sex_ and he fucking pisses me off and drives me insane and I want to punch him and then never stop kissing him. And he never stops trying to _cuddle_ me."

"I really don't know what I was expecting. I really don't. Trust you to fall for someone you hate." Lanaya sighed exasperatedly, and Ellie groaned again, shaking her head. "Don't deny it, you're not nearly as good as lying to me as you are to yourself."

"It's a fucking disaster. I'm...a fucking disaster." She agreed, a mix of dread and irritation settling in. "An absolute fucking disaster, and I try to stay away, but I just end up getting lured back in the instant he stops being such a cock. I am so confused."

"So do you like him or hate him? Because right now it's sounding like both." Lanaya asked dubiously, and then laughed at her weary shrug. "Oh, Ellie. Fine, I won't say anything, but you really need to figure this out."

"I know, I'm not..." She started, and then stalled as the door opened again.

The pair trudged out of the dorm room as the words died on her lips, Sebastian looking like hell, and Solas...

Solas honestly looked like he'd seen a ghost. What the hell was wrong?

  
  


  
  


He'd known, honestly, what all of this was about the instant Ellana had texted him. Only a few things would drive Sebastian into this state, he was generally fairly good about holding his drink. His father? That was an enternal sore spot. He was sitting on the floor with his back to the bed when Solas came in, phone limp in his hand, head resting on his knees. Not saying a word, Solas settled down as well, reaching over and taking the phone out of his hand.

After reading a few messages, it became clear that the heart attack wasn't really the problem. It apparently wasn't even that major of one.

"He wasn't at your mother's, was he?" He asked, scanning through the messages briefly and then turning off the phone. "I'm sorry, I know how difficult this is going to be."

"The worst of it all...the worst of it is the same as it always is." Sebastian sighed, sounding more exhausted than intoxicated. "I'm the black sheep, aren't I? Family shame. Why? Because I don't lie about it or cover it up. And here's the old man...family values. Isn't that the war cry?"

"It's all okay as long as you hide it well enough, isn't that what they say?" Solas replied sardonically, shaking his head. "Prognosis is good, at least."

"Well, he'll live to hypocrite another day. Worst time for the man to almost keel over at his mistress' apartment. Mother's going to be furious." Sebastian sighed, rubbing both hands across his forehead. "Makes you wonder what's the point, doesn't it?"

"He'll be fine. A few public announcements, throw in a bit of religion, and everything will be forgotten by the time elections roll around." Solas replied dismissively, passing the phone back and reaching for his own. "If you're lucky, the press won't find her, though. I'm sure your mother is taking care of..."

He became aware of the stare fixed on him, and turned his head to meet it, lifting a brow curiously as Sebastian squinted at him contemplatively.

"What?"

"Are we good people, Solas?" Sebastian asked slowly, concern leeching into his voice. "I mean, deep down, actually good."

"What, really? What sort of question is that, Sebastian?" The words escaped before he could stall them, mind thoroughly blank. "You're drunk."

"I'm being serious. I mean, listen to us, Solas. My father nearly dies in some poor girl's bed, and we're sitting here talking about how the problem's going to be fixed?" His voice practically cracked, only confusing Solas all the more.

"Poor girl? Really, Sebastian. I'm certain she knew well what she was getting into." Solas dismissed, rolling his eyes slightly. "Right now she is not a girl, she is a potential public relations disaster. I'm sure a bit of money will take care of it, your mother is good at handling these things."

"See, that was my first reaction as well. That's the damned problem." Sebastian agreed, leaning back against the bed with a sigh. "What sort of person am I turning into? I sit here and tell myself 'at least I'm honest', but how long is it really before I'm the same as him?"

"It is part of politics, Sebastian, we both know that. Honesty doesn't get the votes, managing a public persona comes with the job." He was starting to become genuinely worried, this really didn't sound like him at all. Sebastian was the master of shrugging things off and moving on. "Give it a few weeks, this will all blow over."

"I wasn't even worried about him at first, you know. I was, of course, but that wasn't the first bloody thing I thought. My first thought was hoping he was actually at home for once." Sebastian muttered, hand slapping his forehead. "Maker, what have I become?"

"Now you're being dramatic, this is about him, not you. It has been a long night, you should get some sleep." Solas decided, still a bit unsettled. This conversation was...uncomfortable. "Not the time for these sorts of revelations. Sleep on it, sober up, I am certain you will be fine in the morning."

"Oh, sure, when it's all over the news. That'll be great." Sebastian replied dourly, but took his hand as he rose and offered it down to him. Despite the fairly calm voice, he staggered a little as he rose. "Wonderful start to the weekend. Hey, I heard your da had a heart attack balls deep in a twenty year old."

"There are worse ways to go." He replied absently, and then sighed at the sour look that got him. "Ill timed joke, I apologize."

"Got no sense of humor tonight. Not much is seeming funny right about now." Sebastian muttered, slumping against him as Solas dragged him towards the door. "How're things going with Ellie?"

"That is a conversation we are never having." Solas replied, almost instantly. That was the last thing he wanted to discuss this evening. "Did you really have to come here?"

"I needed a hug. No offense. You're not much of a hugger." Sebastian replied, heaving a long sigh. "Cassandra has a test in the morning, she'd literally behead me if I woke her up. Lanaya's a sweet girl, isn't she?"

"Please no, this is all complicated enough." Solas groused, feeling the edges of a headache. "I am taking you home, you are sleeping."

"I don't want to be like him, Solas." Sebastian muttered, tiredly. "But will he ever be proud of me if I'm not?"

The question made him stop, dead, hitting far too uncomfortably close. Wasn't that what he'd been doing for the last ten years of his life? Trying to become what his uncle wanted, trying to get the approval?

He'd gotten it, and it was worth it. It had to be. No. No, he wasn't trying to be like him, he was simply becoming the man he needed to be in order to take over the company some day. They needed him, after all, who else would support the family? The rest of them were completely useless. Someone had to do it, he was doing what needed to be done.

Someone had to.

"Are you really sure that being like your father is all that bad?" He replied after a moment, reaching for the door again. "He is an excellent politician, and you know he does do a lot of good for Starkhaven."

"That doesn't make him a good person." Sebastian replied quietly, lifting a hand to rub his face.

Solas didn't quite know how to respond, so he didn't.

He couldn't lie to himself enough to disagree.

 


	14. Chapter 14

2:31 Home safe.

_2:32 TY. Give Seb a kiss for me_

2:32 ...No.

_2:32 Spoil sport lol but seriously ty for coming out_

2:33 I did it for him.

_2:33 Yea_

_2:38 Hey?_

2:38 Yes?

_2:38 You ok?_

2:42 No. Thank you for asking, but no, and I would rather not talk about it.

_2:42 Fair enough night_

2:42 Good night. And...thank you.

 _2:42 You said that :) your welcome_  


  


_11:28 Hey are we fighting??_

11:29 Let me check the schedule. No, not that I'm aware of.

_11:32 You ignored me this morning :/_

11:32 I apologize. Exams. My head isn't in a particularly good place.

_11:33 Is ok long as you aren't mad_

11:34 No, actually, I miss you.

_11:34 Ok ok ok ok none of that_

11:34 Just making sure you know. You were the one who was worried I was upset with you.

_11:34 You don't get to be cute at me there are rules! R U L E S_

11:35 I am not cute.

  


 

  


16:20 Studying.

_16:21 Take a break_

16:21 Stop with the pictures, emma halam. I need to focus.

_16:21 SIGH fine why does everyone have to study so much??_

16:21 Because we can't all coast by on 101s.

_16:25 Boo u sound like velanna_

16:25 That is not even remotely funny.

_16:25 You've been studying for a weeeeek_

16:25 When you come over you distract me. You know that.

_16:25 BLEH fine I'll go downtown then and find something to do_

16:25 I can take a break at ten. There is no need for that.

_16:25 LOL I wasn't blackmailing you_

16:27 I didn't say you were.

_16:27 You always think I am its weird your mom must be super passive aggressive :P_

16:32 My parents passed away when I was young.

_16:32 I'm so sososos SO sorry I'm such a jerk I swear >( dumb me sry sry sry_

16:32 It's all right. Really. I'd rather we just dropped it.

_16:35 Tens ok_

16:35 Go have fun. Exams are almost over.

_16:36 Then tattoos!!_

16:38 ...No.

_16:38 Yessssssssss_

  


  


_09:42 Your taking a break tonight theres a thing and your going crazy_

09:43 I can't afford to. What sort of thing?

_09:45 Live model drawing in the city at a rec center sounds vaguely sketchy but I want to go_

09:47 Ask Sebastian. This course is incredibly important, I need to get a perfect score on this exam or I will lose my position.

_09:50 You guys make this so complicated :/ can we go next week??_

09:52 Yes, we can go next week.

_09:53 OMG YOULL BE IN PUBLIC WITH ME?!?!_

09:53 What?

09:53 No, I didn't mean that. You're right, we shouldn't be seen together. I'm sorry, I am distracted.

_09:54 Not sure if amused or annoyed_

_09:55 I'll be over at 10 to wear you out your sleeping tonight or you won't do well no matter how hard you study_

09:55 I do not need to be taken care of.

_09:56 Never said you did :) would you rather I stayed away??_

10:01 I will see you tonight.

_10:08 NP_

  


  


"You're grumping." Ellie declared idly, far too comfortable to make it bitchy. Not like it mattered, he could grump if he wanted to. "You've been grumping all night."

"I'm thinking." Solas contradicted, voice low and tired. When she kissed the back of his shoulder, he flailed a hand around until he found the back of her head, fingers massaging against her scalp. "Are you leaving?"

"I wasn't gonna, but you sound exhausted, so I won't bug you for another round. Besides, it's past eleven." She replied, eyes slitting closed as his fingers worked against her scalp, cheek settling back down between his shoulder blades. "But you'll...have to stop doing that otherwise I won't remember how to move."

"Tomorrow is my last exam. I should sleep." He mumbled, fingers still rubbing in slow circles. "Will you at least stay until I fall asleep?"

A forever argument that one, and she sighed heavily, kicking the back of his calf in annoyance. She really hated it, but he liked it, and she was trying to remember not to pick a fight with him. Him and his dumb rules.

"I don't want to, you're grumpy." It was a good excuse, at least.

She was almost expecting it when he abruptly rolled over, sending her tumbling off of his back. A quick grab of his arm kept her from falling off of the bed, and then she was pinned under him anyways, and not going anywhere. She scowled mightily as his free hand stroked her hair out of her face.

"Cuddling is banned. If I can't fight with you, you can't cuddle with me." She informed him, scowling as he flopped against her shoulder anyways. "Hello, lump. Lump that cannot hear, apparently, because I literally just said no fucking cuddling."

"It is part of the sex. Foreplay, sex, and finally you spend at least ten minutes pretending you know how to relax. We have been over this a thousand times, and you didn't say stop." He replied lazily, ignoring her scowl, hand reaching up to play with her hair again. "You are being incredibly restless tonight."

Closing her eyes again, she relented with a sigh, trying not to frown too much as his arm tugged her tighter. He was right, but damn it, it was hard. Especially when he seemed slightly out of sorts, like he had been for the last week. He wasn't hiding it well, and it was awkward, because it made her incredibly uncomfortable and she couldn't tell why.

Maybe because she didn't want to think about why it could be, except now she was thinking about it, and he had her trapped, and...fuck.

"What's wrong?" She asked, trying not to sound as irritated as she felt. She wasn't annoyed with him, she was annoyed with herself. Dammit, she didn't want to talk to him about this personal shit. But...she did. "You've been off all week, we both know you have been. Not just the studying, your head's somewhere else."

"Family things." He finally replied in a mumble, once the silence between them had started to get awkward. "Nothing to burden you with."

"Yeah, well, I'm here and I'm trapped." She replied dourly, and then added, "But whatever. Brood away."

"Thank you for asking." He said quietly, breathing out against her shoulder.

"You always do that. Tell me it's none of my business and then thank me for asking." She laughed, rolling her eyes. "Makes me wonder if you want me to keep asking, or if you just say thanks because it's drilled into your head."

"I mean it. I am unused to people caring how I feel." He murmured drowsily, "I am not certain if you do, or if you are simply asking, but..."

What had she gotten herself into? Seriously, cuddling in bed with the enemy, who was almost uncomfortably cute when he wasn't being an asshole and freaking sad all the time, though she couldn't figure out why. It made her want to make him smile, like...painfully so, and she wasn't quite sure what to do with that.

Every time she was over here, it got a little worse. It was starting to make her itchy, jumpy. Nerves getting all sorts of...twitchy. But it was also...kind nice.

"I'll stay until you fall asleep." She grumbled at last, feeling him sigh as his arms tightened around her. "But no trapping me! Sneaking out in the morning is sure to get me caught."

"I understand." He replied, so sullenly that she knew it basically meant 'but I don't like it'. "No drawing on my face."

"Right, no drawing on your face." She agreed, innocent as a lamb. Which she normally wouldn't get away with, but she could feel him falling asleep. "Is your alarm set?"

His response was a murmur, barely more than a breath against her neck. It sounded enough like 'mhm' that she let it go. Besides, she was already plotting in her head.

She just had to figure out how to get out from under him.

  


  


07:31 Ellana, why are my fingers black?

07:31 What did you do?

07:32 Did you steal my fingerprints? What did you

 

07:40 I am completely speechless.  


_09:35 You didn't wash it off, did you?? :((_

09:46 I'm not certain if I'm horrified or impressed. How long did that take you?

_09:50 IDK >D I got home at like 2 you slept through it like a baby even tho I turned you over_

09:51 Is that seriously my fingerprint? You copied my entire fingerprint onto my shoulder?

_09:52 IDK!! haha it was just an idea I thought was cool :D you can't decide what your name is so I gave you an ink thats 100% you I knew you'd look good with a cap piece <3 you got the nice shoulders for it_

09:53 Ah, so this was you trying to convince me to get a tattoo, I see.

 _09:53 Lol if I made it a dread wolfie you would have done your ABSOLUTELY NOT again I_ _wanted to make something you might like Im bad at explaining I swear it was very arty in my head_

_09:53 Something something personal identity who you are names don't matter your still you w/e blah blah_

_09:55 Whatever I just suck lol >D go ahead and wash it off_

  


10:31 I can't think of a way to say I might like it without admitting that I liked it.

_10:31 Ahahahahaha :D I won't tell_

10:32 I'm not certain what I think of your insisting upon drawing on me.

_10:32 Your a good canvas_

_10:32 *you're_

10:33 You type it wrong every time. I'm not sure why you fixed it this time.

_10:33 Your a good influence on me???_

10:33 *you're

10:33 Apparently not enough of one, emma halam.

  


  


_16:22 Went well??_

16:22 I think so. Done, at the very least. I was going to come by the coffee shop, but I thought you might not want me to.

_16:23 Prob for the best you never buy anything + ppl might think thats weird after a while_

16:35 You are probably correct. What are you doing this weekend?

_16:35 Got an appt downtown tomorrow @ 3 your coming too_

16:35 I am?

_16:40 Solas_

16:40 What?

_16:40 You are. Your appt is at 430_

16:45 No.

_16:45 Yessssssss_

16:45 A tattoo is permanent. You really want to surprise me with one? Absolutely not.

_16:45 I'm getting one on my shoulder too I've been designing it for AGES_

16:45 You think I'm going to spend my Saturday. With you. In public. Getting a tattoo I don't even want.

_16:46 Yes_

16:46 I will think about it. Are you coming over tonight?

  


  


_18:02 Yeah I guess so I'll bring a needle you get the ice cubes_

18:03 I am going to dread this question, aren't I? For what?

_18:03 So I can pierce your ears ofc_

18:05 What exactly is your obsession with this?

_18:05 Dirtying you up a lil is hot <3_

18:09 You are not piercing my ears like a twelve year old girl at a sleepover.

_18:09 :((((_

_18:09 I'll let you do butt stuff_

18:11 No.

_18:14 Booooo your still getting a tat tomorrow PEER PRESSURE PEER PRESSURE_

18:15 That would require you being my peer.

_18:15 Oooooh mean girl I didn't want to sit at your table at lunch anyways_

_18:16 Made you laugh_

  


18:29 You did not.

  


 


	15. Chapter 15

  
  


  
  


"I cannot believe you convinced me to agree to this," Solas groused at her as she swung off of the bus, "and I cannot believe you would not let me drive."

He had been bitching since they boarded the second bus and he was sure no one would see him talk to her. If it wasn't so fucking annoying she'd probably be laughing right about now.

It was getting old. Real old. Still sorta funny, though.

"Where are you gonna find parking this side of town?" Ellie asked, peeking over her shoulder, laughter finally escaping at his scowl. "Knock it off. We're not gonna run into anyone you know around here."

The bus started off again with a screech, and she took a minute to get her bearings. Despite regular excursions, she still didn't know the city that well. It was big and twisty, and so not what she was used to. To be fair, though, she heard that back home they might be getting another street light soon.

"What time is it?" She asked idly, gaze shifting up the street until she found the tattoo shop. It was kind of in an awkward position, halfway in an alley in what looked like some sort of old hardware shop. "I wanna go to the thrift store."

"We are not going shopping." He countered, and then sighed as she turned to glare at him. "A quarter after two. You have a phone, you could have checked yourself."

"You have a watch." She countered breezily, and then turned and started across the street, leaving him to follow. "If you're gonna keep being grumpy, you can go home. You said you wouldn't be a pain."

"No, you said I wouldn't be a pain." He countered as he tried to catch up, heaving a sigh. "There is a crosswalk literally ten feet away."

Hopping up the curb, she turned to face him again, taking a half step back as he attempted to brush past her. Reaching out, she caught his arm and he sighed, impatiently gazing down at her, lips tight.

"You are being _awful_. Stop it." She demanded, and he sighed again, glancing aside and avoiding her eyes. "I mean it. Do you want to go home? Yes or no. I'll get this tattoo myself, I'm not afraid."

Which she wasn't being completely honest about, but she'd tough it out. Maybe Isabela could take a break and come join her or something. She was still hoping he'd change his mind, because he hadn't said no to her face yet, and he was being weirdly thoughtful on the bus between bouts of sniping. Once she convinced him to take off his sunglasses and stop pretending like he didn't know her. Dumbass.

"We always argue." He pointed out, and then lifted a brow as she plopped her fists on her hips.

"We play fight, and you know it. This is you being mean at me because you're upset." When he sighed, she ducked her head and tried to meet his eyes again. "And you are being evasive as hell."

"It isn't something I want to discuss." He replied, staggering as she grabbed his elbow and yanked on him, marching down the sidewalk. "Where are we going?"

"If you're going to be terrible, I'm getting a beer out of it." She replied, exasperation rising. "Don't worry, it's the kind of place your friends would never go."

He fell silent as she dragged him, but eventually the resistance against her hand relented, and she tucked her fingers around his elbow instead, letting him catch up. She couldn't say why, exactly, she was putting up with this. That whole sense of 'offness' was bugging the hell out of her, though. Somehow she'd convinced her own brain that this wasn't him, that he was the nicer version of himself. Ellie wasn't sure if that made her dumb, or smart.

To be fair, if she had more of a brain she would have walked a while ago.

Maybe this was all just another unintended consequence of his no fighting rule. She was bad at letting her guard down. Really bad. And yet he'd demanded it, and it'd happened, and she kind of sucked at slamming it back up again like he seemed to. Maybe that's what was bothering her. The freaking hot and cold. It was giving her whiplash.

The sneaking suspicion lingered in the back of her paranoid brain, that if she relaxed any more he was going to end up hurting her. Like, really, actually hurt her, and she wasn't down for that. Allegedly self-destructive or no, there were limits, and she couldn't hang around to see if he'd figure himself out. It was true, she could deal with this whole...I like you but I hate you thing, but he didn't to do both at the same time. He wanted one or the other, and that was what she couldn't handle. Whatever the hell was going on in his head, it was making him act like two different people.

One of those people was an asshole.

Despite the grousing and out and out fighting her, he got the door for her when she pointed with her chin at the bar they were passing. She tried not to grin at that, the amusement tinged with irritation. He was basically proving her point, just by opening a fucking door. He'd do these weird little things way too often, something unconsciously thoughtful that reminded her that it felt like he was forcing himself to be a butthead.

So weird.

The bar was cute, in an atrociously hipster sort of way, kinda like the employees. Which meant the beer was probably pretty good.

She knew more about beer than she should, but less than she'd like. At least she could drink it without making an idiot of herself, unlike a lot of the other freshmen that'd come from places with higher drinking ages.

They plopped down at a corner table across from one another, him still silent and avoiding eye contact. She put up with it until the guy behind the bar wandered over, green eyes supremely bored behind thick-framed glasses.

"What do you want." He presumably asked, though his voice was a deadpan gravel, not even lifting on the inquiry.

"Jeeze, for you to get a better attitude." She replied, grinning slightly as Solas turned a slightly aghast expression on her. "I mean, why do they even keep you around here?"

"For my winning personality." Fenris replied sardonically, a hint of a smile cracking the facade. "Enough, Lavellan. You're horrifying your date."

"Ah, no, he always looks like that." She replied impishly, grinning at the slight frown leveled at her. "Just two of whatever. You're good at picking stuff. Is Isa here?"

"At the bank." Fenris replied, turning around to wander off back to the bar.

She took a minute to pretend to ignore the look from across the table, and then finally extended a foot under the table and nudged his calf, chin dropping on her hand.

"Hey, grumpy." She teased, meeting his slightly-narrowed gaze amusedly. "Are you mad that I was being an ass to Fenris, that he called you my date, that I made fun of you, or that I ordered for you?"

"Is there a combination answer?" He finally replied, and then sighed as she grinned a little wider. "I should not have come out."

"Probably not, you seem like you're not having much fun." She agreed, nodding as two pints were thumped down on the table. She kept silent until Fenris stalked off again, and reached for hers, cupping hands around it. "Can you at least let yourself relax? Just for now?"

This time the long sigh was defeated, and he dropped his head, not pulling back as she nudged his calf with her foot again. That was something, at least.

"I am not certain why I even came out." He admitted, lifting a hand to rub his forehead, the other reaching for the pint. "I apologize that things are difficult. Perhaps we shouldn't be spending time together."

"Apologies don't count if they don't take responsibility. Why do you do that?" She asked exasperatedly, tilting her chin down again to try and meet his gaze. "You always do that. Things are difficult because you are sour, moody, and keep picking on me. Not because of some like...universal interference."

There was silence across the table, and she stopped trying to get his attention and focused on her beer, taking a long sip. The beer was easier to deal with, and it made him easier to deal with.

"I am confused and frustrated." He admitted at long last. "I should not have come out. I am sorry for letting my mood get out of hand. I am sorry for being so unpleasant, I know you are excited about this."

"It is super weird that we're getting pretty bad at hating each other." She agreed, giving a little shrug of her shoulders at the look he gave her. "You know it's true. Forcing it just makes you come across as bitter and grumpy. Do you wanna go home?"

"No, I said I would come out." He murmured, lifting his beer as she gazed at him dubiously.

He was still avoiding her eyes, but at least he wasn't avoiding the conversation.

"This still about family stuff? Listen, this isn't just about me, you've been all twisted up since Seb got the news about his dad." She didn't really want to get into how weird Sebastian was being now, completely a million miles away and clammed up. "Do you wanna talk, or not? And don't give me the 'it's none of your business'. I get it. We've got issues. This thing is super weird. Whatever, we both get it."

"I do." He finally sighed, closing his eyes, heavy glass pint hitting the table with a thump. "And yet, I do not."

"Okay, well, you're gonna have to pick which person you want to be today, because I'm sort of done with you trying to be both at the same time." She decided, shrugging her shoulders. "If you want to go home, then go home, but stop trying to make me miserable because you're having some sort of fucking conflict you won't even talk about."

She didn't raise her voice, but he was staring at her, a little bit blankly. She ignored it and took a long drink of her beer. Probably longer than it needed to be, but she was feeling kinda bitchy and needed to wash the taste of it out of her mouth. She wasn't good at bitchy.

"Sebastian asked if we were good people, and I wasn't certain what the answer was." He finally admitted, almost awkwardly. "Now I'm not entirely certain what the definition of it even is, or if it is...antithetical to my goals."

"Considering the stuff with his dad...I guess I understand where the question was coming from..." She admitted slowly, after a few seconds to contemplate it. "Jeez, that's gotta be rough for him to deal with His mom must be heartbroken, I can't..."

She became aware of the slightly sardonic gaze leveled at her when her eyes flicked up, and she stalled, head tilting to the side. Shaking his head slightly, he dropped his eyes again to the table, the edge of his mouth dipping back into a frown again.

"I would not worry about his mother. I think he is more concerned with...his familiarity with such things. He believes that we have become numbed to things other people would consider fairly upsetting." A hand lifted from his pint, gesturing to her, his voice weary. "Case in point."

"Or maybe the whole Dalish land thing?" She asked, maybe a little provokingly. His frown said enough. "So you're wondering if you should feel bad about more stuff or something? I don't know, Solas, considering how hard you've been brooding..."

"Thinking." He corrected wearily, and then sighed slowly. "You think I have some sort of...internalized guilt?"

"I don't know, but you sure came up with that pretty quick. I guess that depends on if you have more to feel guilty about than treating me like crap." She replied dryly, and then smiled impishly at the slight glare turned on her. "If you're gonna keep being a butthead, no, I'm not gonna feel bad for being a pain in your ass, so don't turn this around on me."

"You are not innocent in this." He protested, voice slowing slightly, "Perhaps you have been...slightly less antagonistic lately, but you..."

"I can't do it, Solas, I can't switch back and forth from nice to mean like you can." She sighed, lifting the beer, only to find it empty. When had that happened? "So if that means you're gonna get sick of me or whatever because I can't go back to slap fights unless we're just messing around, so be it."

"The more you pull back the more it makes me feel as if I am bullying you." He admitted, resting his forehead in his hands, elbows on the table. "I am not certain what the solution is."

Good, maybe he was getting it a little. Honestly, she'd be more pissed if his insults had teeth any more. They didn't, really. The fights, the being weird and nasty at her in public, the little sniping insults...they weren't convincing any more. They were getting meaner, sure, but less personal. Maybe it was just because she wasn't fighting back.

She'd much rather make him smile.

"I don't know what you want from me! You practically made me not hate you, and now it's like you're mad that I don't hate you!" She laughed, and then sighed and leaned back, pushing her pint away. "I want another drink, but I have to get a tattoo. Boo."

"I'll pay and we can go to the thrift store." He sighed, and she tried to hide a hint of a grin. "We have a little time. Stop smirking at me."

"I'm gonna pay, I did drag you in and order." She retorted, popping to her feet, grin dying at the strange look he was giving her. "Finish your...what?"

"Nothing, I suppose. You don't want me to pay?" He replied, dubiously.

"Well, I'm not gonna pay for your tattoo. No offense, but finances are limited."

She was expecting a retort about the refusal to get ink himself, but he just got a really confused look on his face. Okay, that was weird. What'd she say this time? While she waited for a response, she fished out her wallet, trying to catch his gaze again.

"I thought that you invited me because you expected me to pay." He finally admitted, relaxing the slightest bit.

"You mean...for the tat? Seriously? That's like a couple hundred bucks." She laughed, too blankly confused to muster up much more of a retort. "I mean, seriously, Solas? What kind of assholes do you hang out with?"

"I'm not certain if I should answer that." He replied, and then shook his head. "I apologize, I should not have assumed."

"I love how that's the one you apologize for unprompted." She laughed, turning for the bar and shaking her head. "It's fine. Let's just get outta here before you revert to a butthead."

She saw him frowning out of the corner of her vision again, but this time he just looked thoughtful. Maybe she'd gotten through to him, finally. Ellie could hope.

  
  


  
  


  
  


This day was not going even remotely as he had anticipated. Things between them had gotten confused, he'd realized at some point last week, but it hadn't really sunk in fully until now. They were out in public together, like they'd agreed never to be, and she seemed completely at ease with it. Why had he agreed to come? He'd attempted to blame it on her, that she was the one changing the dynamic, but it was becoming increasingly clear that it wasn't. She was still prickly and irritatingly charming and provoking, and it was him that was changing.

It was only that...he was becoming increasingly aware the he enjoyed the quiet time they spent together, when he could manage to pin her down for it. When they simply talked to each other, and he actually let her jokes be something besides insults. When he let her be herself, and let him be himself.

He hadn't realized that letting himself relax in her presence would lead to her becoming oddly endearing, in her teasing and reluctant affection. It was almost too much to admit that he might have some sort of feelings for her, but unfortunately it was becoming less and less deniable. And it had made him act rather rudely.

Solas had always been rather assured of his manners, and the way he had been treating her was completely contrary to how he'd always prided himself on behaving. It was embarrassing that he'd excused it due to their...contentious beginnings.

That was it, wasn't it?

He'd been, as she'd put it, bullying her under the guise that he was simply acting as they always had. Why? In the hopes that she'd leave and take the conflict out of his hands? Make the decision for him? Or was he simply trying to put some distance between them? If so, he was doing a poor job of it, because that wasn't what he really wanted, and it certainly wasn't what was happening.

It was too much to think about. Feelings or not, she was completely unsuitable. He couldn't even imagine trying to convince his uncle that she was acceptable.

"Solas." Ellana's voice was equal parts amused and exasperated, drawing him out of his internal thoughts. "You've been staring in the mirror for like five minutes. That in love with yourself?"

"I was only..."

"Thinking." She interrupted with a grin, wryly lopsided. "Yeeeeah, kinda get it by now. We gotta go soon. I was just gonna go pay for these shoes, c'mon."

"I can't imagine putting my feet in something someone else's feet have been in." He muttered as she grabbed him by the elbow and dragged him towards the counter, eyeing a mannequin as they passed it. He didn't want to turn his bad mood on her any more, but he had to turn it on _something_. "Why do people insist upon wearing pants they can barely fit into? Those are utterly ridiculous."

"You have no room to talk about fashion, Solas." She replied absently, releasing him as they stopped at the counter, tossing down the shoes she'd excavated from the back of a shelf. "Do you have anything but the same kind of shorts and button-up shirts?"

"I have some long pants. And other things." He replied absently, not really feeling terribly insulted about it. "I don't know, my cousin does my shopping, she enjoys it..."

The little laugh that escaped from her she quickly stifled behind a hand, and he tried not to wince. She'd just been touching second-hand shoes, did she not see how unsanitary that was?

"Sorry. It's just...c'mon, you're a grown man!" She teased, and he sighed, enduring the push against his shoulder. "Oops. No more teasing today?"

"Hmmh?" He glanced back over, a reassuring smile escaping the instant he saw her concerned expression. Reflex, not intentional, but it made her smile back, head tilting to the side. "No, it doesn't bother me. I just have little interest in fashion, and she is...persistent."

The smile held for a few moments, and they shared it until her attention was drawn back across the counter. He was almost bereft by the sudden loss of it, a part of himself reminding him he should not be so engaged. But somehow, just like that, the vestiges of his foul mood were gone.

"Okay, fair enough." She agreed with another small nudge, this time with her hip as she grabbed her change from the counter. So casual, that bit of contact, he wondered if she even knew she was doing it. "All right, I've put this off long enough, time to be brave and head to the shop."

"Feeling nervous?" He inquired, vaguely disappointed that she didn't grab his elbow again. "I never would have anticipated it."

"I'm about to have a needle repeatedly jabbed in me, of course I'm nervous. Why else would I harass you into joining me?" She quipped easily, completely unabashed to admit it.

"I..." He began, only to stall as she turned back to grab him and pull him through the door.

Her fingers were warm, tucked into the curve of his elbow just below the cuff of his shirt, dragging him yet again. He followed along willingly, like he always had.

Like he would continue to do.

He was starting to suspect, however, his lack of agency in all of this was causing problems. Things were changing, and he didn't fight any of it, or try to define it. Perhaps that was a mistake, but he couldn't for the life of him think of what he wanted things between them to look like. And, it wasn't as if she had made any moves to define things, either. They'd hated each other, fought their way into bed, and now they were...what, exactly?

"Oh, right, the money thing. Did you really think I invited you so you would pay for my dumb tattoo?"

She looked so amused as she turned back to face him that he was almost ashamed of the answer. His slight stall made her smile fade, and he avoided the look in her eyes afterwards.

It wasn't as if he was looking for, or deserving of sympathy.

He was still staring across the street when he felt her step in, and warm fingers twisted in him. Surprisingly intimate, that gesture, as she clutched his hand in hers, giving a small tug as she started up the street.

He followed, yet again, feeling even more at a loss than before.

"Whoever made you think that is a dick." She decided firmly, and yet again he couldn't think of a single thing to say.

Well, he could think of one thing to say, but he couldn't bring himself to voice it.

  
_Everyone but you, Ellana._

 

Mulling that over in his mind, he let her drag him along by the hand to the shop as she teased him cheerfully for 'brooding' yet again.

  
  


 


	16. Chapter 16

Why did he have to go and do that?

  
  


Ellie had basically decided she was okay with him as long as he kept that arm's length between them. It seemed to work all right for the most part, even if he was weirdly clingy at times, and then a cold, bitchy asshole at others. But every now and again, he'd just get like...lost. It wasn't even the brooding, that was something else entirely. No, this was sad, and confused, and lost, and it just freaking gutted her. It wasn't fair.

He shouldn't get to make her feel bad for him.

Which was the only reason she was holding his hand, was because he'd looked so damn upset for a second there. Also he was being all distant and thoughtful again, and she didn't him to walk into a car.

"Are you certain this place is reputable?" He finally spoke up again as they approached the shop.

"Oh, sure. Weird on the outside, surgical on the inside, that's tattoo places. Trust me, it's got great reviews." She assured him, curiously peeking up and aside. "They were really nice when I brought in my design for the stencil and stuff."

She wanted to ask if that meant he was thinking about it, but on the other hand, she didn't want him to get to act like she forced him to get ink. Nope, she wasn't gonna do it, he could decide for himself.

He relaxed a little when they pushed into the shop and he could see how clean it was.

The girl at the front was a dwarf, chattering animatedly with a tall, dark-haired man leaning his hip against the counter. Ellie took a minute again to admire his tattoos, though he was wearing a t-shirt today, not a tank. Full sleeves, though, armor from wrist to shoulder, if she remembered correctly. Not that she knew much about armor, but it looked...Fereldeny, she assumed. He _was_ Ferelden.

"Hi! Afternoon!" The dwarf greeted, brightening as she caught sight of them properly, turning on her stool. "Ellie! Good to see you again! We just gotta fill out the forms here. Can I get your IDs, guys?"

The man with the tats watched them curiously, but silently, folding his arms across his chest. Solas gave him a brief, odd look as he fished out his wallet, but didn't say anything.

"Hi, Sigrun. Good to see you again." She greeted, digging around in her purse. "I finally got my city ID. It took forever to come, are things always this slow here?"

"Basically!" Sigrun laughed, and then shrugged her shoulders. "But that's everywhere. Bureaucracy in action. That's a good picture of you, though!"

Ellie just grinned and shrugged, waiting for a few seconds before Solas nudged her and cleared his throat slightly. She glanced up and stared at him for a few seconds, before abruptly laughing and slapping her forehead.

"Right. Sorry, Solas, this is Sigrun." She introduced, gesturing between them, and then glancing aside, "And this is the guy that does the work."

"Nathaniel Howe. I'll be injuring you today." He tall, lean man greeted, pushing off of the counter to his full height. "Ellie. Nice to see you again."

"Hey, Nate." She greeted, and then fell silent as Solas abruptly spoke up, practically interrupting her.

"Howe. Not..." Solas looked pretty spooked all of a sudden, some of it leeching into his voice. "From Amaranthine?"

Rather than answering instantly, Nate reached down and picked up their IDs from the counter, garnering a faint 'hey!' from Sigrun as he practically pulled them out from under her fingers. He eyed them, and then gave a 'tsk' under his breath. Okay, this was weird. Did they know each other or something? It sort of seemed like not, except...

"Ah. How unfortunate for you." Nate remarked, turning over Solas' id before handing it back over. Glancing up, he noticed the cold look being cast in his direction, and smiled faintly. "Don't misunderstand me. I'd say the same to anyone who had the misfortune of knowing my father."

_Well._

Small world, or something, Ellie supposed. And apparently not a very friendly small world, from the sudden discomfort in the air. Yikes.

"I...oh." Solas replied after a moment of what she assumed was shock from the look on his face, voice going calm and guarded. "Thomas never mentioned that he had a brother."

A few seconds pause again, and Ellie fought the urge to find somewhere to hide. Jeesh, was this gonna be weird? She really hoped not, but right now it was feeling awkward as hell.

"No, I expect not." Nathaniel finally replied, sardonically, low voice surprisingly easy. "Anyways, let's get to it, shall we?"

"I'm so excited!" She confessed, maybe to break the tension, cause Solas was looking a little uncomfortable. She didn't want him to have second thoughts just because the artist was apparently a member of the crummy father figures club.

Man, it seemed like that was a pretty big club.

"It shouldn't be more than an hour and a half. You picked a fairly small piece to start with." Nate remarked, gesturing and leading them to the back of the shop. "I'm surprised you didn't go for the bigger one you showed me."

"I thought about it! Get it out of the way. But I want to see how it sits on my shoulder first." She mused thoughtfully, peeking over her shoulder at Solas trailing after her, offering a faint smile. He barely returned it, but it was better than nothing. "I figured if I do it piece by piece I can make sure it sits just right."

"Sensible, but unsurprising for an artist." Nate mused, wandering over to adjust the chair. "I'm surprised you're going to that place. Not exactly known for their art program."

She was afraid that the scorn in his voice would make Solas bristle, but when she glanced over again, he was just eyeing the radio, thoughtfully. Well, that was better than glaring at Nate.

"No. I ah...not going for art." She replied, and then added, cheerfully, trying to avoid tension, "Not like I'll give it up, though!"

"Well, at least wearing it will be a reminder not to. Shirt off, in the chair, please. Let's get this on your skin." Nate ordered, turning away for the table nearby, reaching up to pull his hair back behind his shoulders, sliding an elastic off his wrist to tie it up. "You didn't pick the easiest spot, pain-wise."

"Oh, please. Compared to my vallaslin, this will be easy as hell." Ellie dismissed, stripping her shirt over her head and dumping it into her shopping bag. "Now that doesn't mean I'm not nervous and might be kind of a baby, but it's easily survivable."

"When did you get it?" Nate asked, sounding a little more relaxed now. They were in his domain, after all. "Couple years, from the look of it? And you're only..."

"Gonna be nineteen in like three months. Four." Maybe it was a little defensive, but she sort of hated being asked about her age. "I got mine early because there was an Arlathvhen, and my mom didn't care. Sixteen."

"Tough little kid." Nate remarked, and she made a rude noise. "All right, all right. What about you?"

"Regretting being reminded that she's eighteen." Solas replied wryly, and then continued over her loud 'hey' of protest. "I do not have any tattoos."

Scowling, she lifted her head to meet his stare, her eyes narrow and his deliberately relaxed. Finally he cracked enough to show a hint of a smile, and she stuck out her tongue.

"Well, never too late to start." Nate remarked, voice a little absent as he continued transferring the sketch. "Feel free to look through the books if you want."

"Aw, he's already got a design." She laughed, and then stopped at his warning noise. "Sorry."

"You drawing on me while I am asleep does not constitute designing a tattoo. Especially not considering what you marked my forehead with." Solas pointed out, relenting under her grin and finally smiling, though it faded after a few seconds. His expression was weird, curiosity mixed with hesitation. "Is this the Black Wardens? I don't recognize the live performance, I was under the impression that I had all of their live recordings."

"It's a recording they released last month, for the anniversary of Tabris' death. You know your music?" Nathaniel glanced up, eyes narrowing, seen vaguely over her shoulder before he returned to work. "No offense, you just don't look like the type."

Ah, that was where the tension was coming from. They were like...sizing each other up, or something. She tried not to squirm as Nate traced onto her skin, but it tickled a little. Glancing aside, she eyed Solas nervously, but he seemed more amused than offended.

"Considering the looks I tend to get when I attend a concert, that does seem to be the prevailing opinion." Solas sighed, and Nate gave a small, rough chuckle. "It seems I am behind, then. Studying takes up most of my time, I will have to pick it up. Is it getting a wide release?"

"Not particularly, but if you have all their other work, I'm sure you can find it." Nathaniel dismissed, head bending down again as he worked. "Ellie, stop laughing."

"It tickles!" She protested, pretending that was the reason. "Sorry, I'm trying."

"It's a sad state of affairs when they have to release recordings from a dead man for there to be any worthwhile music to come out." Nathaniel declared under his breath, giving a small shake of his head that she barely saw. "Flaming Sisters broke up. Again."

"Hardly a true loss." Solas declared dryly, and Nate made a small noise of agreement. "I was in Antiva over the summer for a time, I attended a Calenlads show when they were in town. I can't say they're aging well, either."

"Yeah, I feel as if they haven't...stand up, Ellie, check that out in the mirror for me, please...I feel as if they haven't played a good show since changing bassists, and that was five years ago."

Rolling her eyes, but hiding a grin, she slid to her feet and headed for the mirror. Turning around, she twisted to try and get a good look, lips pursing contemplatively. The dorking out continued, much to her amusement. Who knew Solas was so into this kind of junk?

And seriously, punk music, of all things? Who would have guessed it?

But hey, manly gossip bonding going on, so that was good.

"Is anyone surprised, really? With what happened to Regicide when Jowan joined...trouble or no, he is at the very least bad luck." Solas pointed out, and she caught his eyes in the mirror, grin widening as he gave her a confused look.

"His first band, too, but they never made it past the local scene in Redcliffe. Broken Circle. Shame, though, they had some good stuff. He started sleeping with the lead singer's sister, it was just a mess."

"Nerrrrrrrds." Ellie interrupted cheerfully, and then laughed at the offended looks. "It looks great, Nate."

"Good. Let's get started."

  
  


  
  


They were still gossiping, though she had a feeling they would both get annoyed again if she called it that. No, of course not. This was a deep and intellectual discussion about music. The name dropping and talking about the drama was just part of the experience. It was weird to think of him having interests. Almost made Solas seem like a fully fledged person. She wondered if he knew he was one.

But things weren't weird any more, and that was cool.

She was just letting her mind drift at this point, trying to ignore the fact that this hurt way more than her butt had. Not like, blinding, or searing pain, but pretty uncomfortable, occasionally wandering into shallow breathing territory. She was glad she'd just decided to start it off small.

Ellie must have made a noise as he carefully went over a damn line she'd pretty sure he'd damn well done fifty thousand times, because a pair of hands reached down and caught hers, gently tugging her fingers out of her palm. She let him, because squeezing Solas' hand was a lot better than clenching her fists.

"I was under the impression there would be a lot more screaming and crying." He admitted, wryly, and she managed a scowl. "Whenever someone has gone under the needle, they seem to enjoy telling everyone how agonizing it was."

"It's when they come in packs. Usually the sorority girls." Nate replied absently, wiping off her shoulder and leaning back for a moment. "Playing it up for the audience, but they always psyche themselves out. Bit of nonsense."

"Honestly, I was pretty..." She managed, trying to focus on words, letting the dull throb of her shoulder fade as best she could. "Psyched out for my other one, after getting my vallaslin, but I barely felt it at all."

"I expect that was due to the location." Solas pointed out, and she squinted at him suspiciously as he smiled. "Well, there is quite a bit of f..."

"Don't finish that sentence." She suggested, and he chuckled and squeezed her hand. "I don't hear you complaining about my butt, anyways. You complain about a lot of stuff, but not that."

She would have said more, but Nate had gone back to work, and she sucked in a quick, sharp breath at the renewed throbbing. _Shit._

"Almost done." He promised, and she forced herself to try and relax.

"I wouldn't call it complaining..." Solas temporized, obviously trying to come up with a better counter. His thumb idly stroked over the back of her hand when she stifled a little noise of pain, which was nice. "I am not the one who whines."

"Which I only do to annoy you." She countered faintly, and he acknowledged her point with a little nod. "And because you like being put-upon."

"I do, do I?" He inquired, and again they shared a smile.

It was nice, and warm, and settled comfortably in her stomach, making her all too aware that...oh, _hell._

Did she _like_ him? Seriously? And not just in a 'his company is tolerable when he's not being an asshole' way, but actually, sincerely like him?

That was...sort of messed up, actually. Considering his family, and his weird fucked up superiority complex, and how much of an asshole he could be. But here he was, holding her hand and joking with her, and being weirdly sweet, and completely messing with her head. Enough that it seemed like, yeah...it seemed she might like him.

Ellie wasn't sure what to think about that. Seemed like a _really_ bad idea. But...maybe she could get over it? She could hope so. There was no way she was gonna think she could change him, after all.

She wasn't _that_ dumb.

  
  


  
  


  
  


He'd been surprised quite a lot today.

Both by himself and by Ellana. At the moment, however, surprise with himself was winning. The shocks just came coming, one after another, leaving him more and more unbalanced. Somehow, he found himself sitting at a couch next to _Rendon Howe's_ son, of all people, looking through a book of tattoos. And he was _enjoying_ himself.

This day was getting stranger and stranger.

He wondered what his uncle would think of one of his business partners' estranged sons inking his tattoo. Nothing good, he'd imagine. Better not to bring it up.

"I wouldn't say I'm uncomfortable with the idea, precisely." He finally decided, shaking his head. "I have been considering it since I was informed that the appointment was made _for_ me."

His wry look met an impish, unapologetic smile, and Ellana lifted a shoulder in a shrug. The wince afterwards she probably deserved, but he hid the smile anyways. Probably not as well as he'd intended, because she gave him a small scowl.

"I would like to avoid the seemingly inevitable first tattoo regret, if at all possible." He continued, shaking his head as he turned another page. "I believe that's where my hesitation comes from."

"I don't regret my first tattoo, I just think it's dumb." Ellana pointed out cheerfully, leaning down and grabbing her purse. "I'm never getting rid of it. Anyone who's seeing it probably has more important things to worry about than why there's a butterfly on my butt."

A point he was all too willing to agree with, and probably would have if thinking about it didn't...drag him to places inappropriate in public.

"You don't _have_ to, but it is common." Nathaniel said, leaning back, helping him snap back into focus. "I still have no issues with any of my tattoos, but that is because I got them specifically because I wanted them, not just to ink myself."

"I am trying to find a way to admit something without making her smug." He confessed at last, fighting his own stubborn pride. It was difficult, because he was fairly certain she was going to start gloating.

Instantly, grinning in triumph, Ellana jerked open her purse. He resisted the urge to sigh. Of course she'd come prepared. Of course.

"I made a better version of it. Just in case. Since I sort of...took the copy of your fingerprint I made with me" She declared, cheerful with just a tiny hint of self-satisfaction. She might have been trying to hide it, but he heard it. "And you know, it'd be pretty easy to extend to a full sleeve if you ever...decide..."

She trailed off at the look he gave her, and silently she passed over the folded piece of paper. Sighing, he accepted it, and unfolded it as Nathaniel watched curiously. Her smile was fading, as he spread out the paper across the book, and he gave her a curious look.

"Victory a bit hollow, emma halam?" He asked her, and she gave a small shake of her head.

"I...don't want you to feel pressured. I mean, I know I'm a bully, but this is a big deal." She replied, a little bit nervously, and he relaxed. "I mean, it's your skin. It's permanent, and it's not like this is a small itty bitty one..."

"Ah. You're going to force me to be honest." He admitted, giving a faint smile to try and ease her tense expression. "I may have...liked the look of it a great deal more than I let on. And I've thought about what you said, and...well, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind."

"Really?" She said cautiously, as Nathaniel pulled the paper off of the book to examine it. "I mean, you don't have to say that just to be nice, I'm not like...a real artist or anything. It was just a thought, I just..."

"Backing down now, when you've finally won?" He teased her, pleased when the tension finally left her shoulders. "That doesn't seem like you. And here I was expecting to have my face rubbed in it a bit."

"I don't ever want to make you do something you don't want to do." She replied firmly, jaw tightening. "I mean it, seriously. Unless you're completely sure..."

"I am." He replied, surprised to find he actually meant it. He hadn't been, until that moment, he'd been counting on her pushing him a bit. But something about what she'd said made him realize... "I am completely sure."

"This is good, I have to say. I like this." Nathaniel interrupted, nodding his head slowly as they both glanced over at him. "This is clever, and it's just simple enough to get the point across while still looking good. You did this, Ellie?"

"Yeah, I guess I did." She replied, and then grinned at Solas, bumping her shoulder against his side. "I had a little help."

"I apparently make for a good muse." Solas decided, glancing over to the design. "Who would have thought it?"

"Well, let's see what we can do with this. It'll take more than one session, even if it's monochrome. I'm thinking..." Nathaniel started, rising to his feet. Setting the book aside, he followed. "Probably want to do some of it over the back of the shoulder...let's sketch this out, figure it out."

"You'd already decided to do this before we came here, hadn't you?" Ellana accused quietly as she popped to her feet, and then narrowed her eyes as he hid a smirk. "You...giant pain in my ass! You could have said something."

"That would have ruined all my fun." He replied, moving past her to head into the back of the shop again, enduring the scowl turned his way. "Nathaniel, is this the live recording from Wycome?"

He didn't bother hiding a smile at the ' _nerd_ ' hissed at his back.

  
  


  
  


There was a lot of pain, but not much regret when they were finally shooed out of the shop with another appointment booked for him on Tuesday. Granted, it'd been Ellana doing the shooing, but she'd put up with an entire half hour of standing around and talking at the counter, so he couldn't be too annoyed with it. It was just nice to have someone to talk music with.

No one in his acquaintance cared or seemed interested, and people who were interested in it seemed put off by him.

"You okay?" The question was surprisingly cautious, Ellana's voice light as he glanced down at her. "I mean, I didn't actually expect you to go through with it."

"I..." He took a moment to gather is thoughts, absently slipping his hand into hers and tugging her down the sidewalk. A motion he thought better of when it made his shoulder throb. "I am, actually. More than anticipated."

"Well, what do you know." She replied slyly, shoulder bumping into his arm, grin deepening. "I guess maybe there's hope for you yet."

"Sadly, I don't know if we can yet say the same about you." He replied, and then chuckled at her mocking sneer. Her expressions were always so...expressive. "It feels surprisingly freeing."

"Yeah, well, it is! You're saying 'this is my body. I belong to myself.' It's not about fitting in, at least it never has been for me. It's just about, I don't know...taking control of your own body, using it to express yourself." She replied, gesturing expansively with her free hand. "So that's why I didn't tell you to do it. I wasn't gonna push you if you said no, y'know."

"You said as much." He pointed out after a moment to consider her words, and she gave a small 'hmh' under her breath. "I wouldn't have done it unless I wanted to."

"Good." She decided firmly, and then glanced up and aside with a small smile that made him all too aware that a turn of phrase he'd always hated might not be complete hyperbole.

It wasn't a sensation he'd ever expected to encounter, a brief pause, a small catch in his chest. It felt almost ridiculous to admit it, even in his own head, that she made his heart skip a beat. When had he gotten so completely caught up in her? It may have been the worst decision he'd ever made, but...he couldn't recall the last time he'd been so happy.

"So what say you smuggle me in and we order in dinner? I'd say my treat, but the best I can do is halvsies after all of that."

It took him a second to focus again, and when he did, it left him with more questions than answers. Questions he really wasn't in the mood to face right now. No, tomorrow was Sunday, which meant he needed to try and enjoy what he could of the weekend before it was too late.

Family dinner tomorrow.

"Let me buy tonight." He replied, and then continued over the inevitable protest, surprised at how pleased he was that she would. "We can call it payment for the design, if that makes you feel better. Pizza?"

"Mmmmh..." She muttered uncertainly, but finally relented with a sigh. "Fine! But none of that weird crap."

"Artichokes are not strange. If you steal my leftovers, you get what you get." It was nice to bicker, let his mind drift back away again for what would no doubt be a miserable night tomorrow. "Be reasonable, if I let you decide what we ate, it would be nothing but value menu cheeseburgers and cheap ice cream."

"More expensive does not equal better." She replied sullenly, and then abruptly reached up and over, shopping bag swinging against his chest as she snatched the sunglasses out of the top of his shirt.

As he stared at her, brows lifting, she shook them open and perched them on the end of her nose.

"What, exactly, are you doing?" He inquired as they crossed the street, heading for the bus stop.

"I'm not sure I want to be seen with you." She replied cooly, pushing the sunglasses up her nose with her pinky. They were massive on her, and looked utterly ridiculous.

If she'd tried to give them back right now, he probably wouldn't let her. In fact, he was starting to wonder if there was a way he could convince her to steal one of his t-shirts.

He had a feeling they would look better on her than they did on him.

"That's perfectly fair." He agreed, fingers tightening in hers as they headed down the street. "I don't want to be seen with you either."

 

 

 

 


	17. Chapter 17

_10:23 Okay so I did not think that one through sorry about last night_

10:24 I am fine.

_10:24 You sure??_

10:24 Momentary pain. It will take some getting used to, especially considering I have to go back in and get it finished. You don't have a bruise, I hope?

_10:24 You just kneed me in the shoulder a little I told you I'm ok note to self do not surprise with blowjobs_

10:25 I am blaming that one on the tattoo. I generally enjoy surprises.

_10:27 Is that saying you want to try again?_

10:28 Yes. In depth and at great length. Except for the fact that it is Sunday.

_10:28 Uggggh just DITCH it!!! Stupid family dinner I'm hooorny and whiiiiiiny apparently_

10:32 Skipping family dinner does not happen.

1 _0:35 I'm gonna call you in the middle of it_

_10:35 Send you cat pictures_

_10:35 And puns all the puns_

10:35 Please don't. This is going to be difficult enough. It's like walking into a war zone, and Falon'din has been insufferable lately. I can't wait until marks are posted and he is knocked back down again.

_10:35 If you don't like it, why do you GO?!@ Stay home and we'll get raunchy :x_

10:40 How raunchy, exactly?

_10:43 I'll tell you later ;)_

  


 

  


_01:22 Byby assbutt_

01:22 Oh, was that you? Goodbye.

_01:24 Visiting his holiness I'm worried about Seb I never thought I would see him brood_

01:26 He will be all right. Thank you for looking in on him.

_01:26 Sure sure but if he tries to convert me with this sudden    religiosity I will scream_

01:26 I doubt he will, emma halam. You know as well as I that he doesn't do that. I think it's simply helping him...steady himself.

_01:27 Yeah sry that was uncool of me to whine about_

01:28 No, I understand. People who suddenly find religion can proselytize quite a bit. Sebastian just isn't like that. I can't find my sunglasses, do you still have them?

_01:28 >D maaaaaaybe_

01:28 They look ridiculous on you.

_01:28 You misspelled fabulous wolfie_

01:31 Don't duck face at me. You're not convincing me that they're not ridiculous with that picture.

_01:32 Don't be jelly I look better than you_

01:32 Well, that was never in question.

01:32 Driving.

_01:33 Have fun storming the castle_

  


  


01:55 Give me a bit of strength, please?

_01:58 All my good thoughts whats wrong wolfie?_

01:59 Just not looking forward to dealing with Falon'din. Grades have yet to be posted.

_02:01 Shh you got it :) even if its dumb that your there and not here plowing me_

02:02 As pep talks go, I've had better. 

_02:03 S-O-L-A-S you do like a big fat ass_

02:04 Never mind. Please stop.

_02:05 You nasty uh uh you nasty WOO_

_02:05    I don't know a lot of cheers_

_02:05 Something something be aggressive? IDK_

02:06 Thank you for trying, emma halam. The laughter helps a little.

_02:08 :x_

  


  


  


02:26 They're multiplying.

_02:27 Looool what?! Is someone preggers??_

02:27 Worse. My cousin's girlfriend has moved in. She's completely idiotic. Vapid.

_02:28 Oh be nice lol :) nobodys completely idiotic besides I'm sure she has her good points_

_02:29 You just might have to dig a bit! >D_

02:39 I am sorry. I did not mean to be so vitriolic. Things are just very tense.

_02:40 Lol I wasn't scolding you just saying you never know_

  


03:06 She just tried to slip her hand down the front of my pants while my cousin was in the bathroom.

03:06 Please, tell me again about her good points.

_03:09 AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHHAH_

03:09 Ellana.

_03:09 hahahhahHAHAHA! OMG SHE DID?!!?!?! THATS AMAZING :DDDD_

03:09 I really don't know how I expected you to react. I really don't.

_03:15 Oh your poor cousin :(((( now I'm sad :(( are you gonna tell him???_

03:16 Her. It is Andruil's girlfriend. Absolutely not. The screeching would be deafening, and she wouldn't believe me.

_03:17 Thats so sad :(((_

03:17 You baffle me.

_03:17 Can I stick my hand down your pants??_

03:17 It would certainly be more welcome.

_03:18 :x yaaaay_

  


  


03:52 How exactly does Falon'din know I'm seeing someone?

_03:55 Slow down there hey how tf would I know??? That better notve been an accusation_

03:55 Right. I am sorry. Momentary panic.

_03:56 You always attack me when you panic :/_

03:56 I said I was sorry.

_03:56 Yeah your always sorry_

03:57 Emma halam...please help me figure this out.

_03:58 SIGH :/ IDK didnt you say he wants in ur frat??_

04:03 He's been trying to ingratiate himself to Spencer. Of course.

_04:05 LOL!! Your the one who likes it loud :x maybe if you don't want the guy in the next room to know your banging on the reg don't tell me to scream for you_

_04:06 You are filthy don't even bother hiding it you just like to pretend your above it >D you just like me to be the one to beg for it and beg and beg....._

_04:06 Solas is turning reeeeeeed >D I love that_

04:08 Not. The. Time.

_04:09 Sneak off somewhere private for ten minutes and I'll show you screaming ;)_

04:10 Ten? Three is more likely. You never take your time. Far too impatient.

_04:11 Excuuuuuse me???_

04:11 Having trouble with your reading comprehension?

_04:12 Man see if I finger myself for you again UNGRATEFUL!_

04:14 Sometimes it's about the journey, not the destination.

_04:18 Sometimes I wanna get off so I can roll over and go to sleep ya big ass_

04:19 And if you ever stayed the night, I might believe that.

_04:20 You ruin sexting_

  


_4:22 And it was the best fking three minutes of your life asshole_  


 

  


05:48 Do you think we could talk when I return home, or will it be too late for you?

_05:49 Ummmmh I figured you wouldn't want to see me tonight I am literally in pajamas already lol_

05:50 It would be appreciated. No dress code.

_05:50 Ok so should I be preparing or something?? No offense but the extent of your invitations are generally windows open_

05:51 You have to admit things have not been going as planned. We should probably talk about it.

_05:55 Ugh :/ UGGGGGGGGGGH_

05:55 Please.

_05:57 IDK or I could run away and never talk to you again_

_06:08 FINE_

06:08 Thank you.

_06:08 Now I'm gonna be freaking out all night :/_

06:09 It's a talk, not a death sentence.

_06:09 Same dif_

06:10 Dinner. I'll text you on my way out.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Slipping up the roof of the frat house was second nature to Ellie by now, though it was weird that the window was open when she reached it. Leaning down and peeking in, she tilted her head, meeting Solas' worried stare. They just gazed at each other for a few moments, and then he sighed, shaking his head and pushing up from his desk.

"In or out? Are you a woman or a cat?" He asked her dryly, and she grinned, concern fading.

"Meow." She replied impishly, and then laughed and slid in, swinging her legs through and then following after. "Why do you have your window open? It's chilly out. Real winter, finally."

"Clearing my head a bit. I did not enjoy dinner." He admitted, and she grimaced sympathetically before turning to close the window. "But, it is never truly pleasant, especially not with the new addition."

"I can't believe she made a move on you. I feel kinda bad for laughing at it, but I..." She was interrupted by a faint 'oof' as he draped himself over her, arms wrapping tightly and pulling her in. "Trying to recharge your batteries?"

"I want to, but there is something I need to tell you first." He admitted against her shoulder, and she could feel him sigh for a few seconds before he began to speak again. "I am afraid...Falon'din has been complaining to his father about the flyers and protesting and things."

"Okay, so..." She laughed, enduring the little squeeze as he curled his fingers in against her sides. He could be so clingy. "Your uncle knows people hate him. How is that not news to him?"

"He doesn't appreciate it being done on his campus. I'm uncertain why he cares so much, but he does." Solas replied in a weary mumble.

"Well, first, it's not his campus, is it? Sure he went here, and so did all his cronies, and he put some money in, but it's not his school. Lots of people throw money at this place." She said dubiously, wondering why there was a little kernel of unease sloshing around in her stomach. "What's he gonna do about it?"

"He wanted names." Solas admitted, and the worry wasn't quite so little any more. "I...managed to get him down to accepting just one. If I hadn't, he would have found out for himself."

"What do you mean...you gave him a name? Why does your uncle sound like the mafia, and what does that mean, Solas?" She asked, going stiff enough that he finally unwound himself from her. As soon as he did, she turned to face him. "What does it _mean_?"

"Velanna is going...to be put on academic probation." He admitted, and then continued into her stunned silence as she gaped at him. "It is only probation, as long as she _stops_..."

"How? He can't do that, he can't _do_ that!" She insisted, anger rising. "How can he do that? She can't be put on probation, this is Vel! Her grades are always the damn highest, she works so hard!"

"It is entirely possible she's failed all her exams." He replied awkwardly, taking a half step back under her furious glare. "What do you expect me to say, Ellana? I did everything I could!"

"Except say no. Except keep your mouth shut! How the hell does this...how could he even _do_ that?" She replied, still furious. Not just with him, though, but with his shitty uncle, his equally shitty cousin, and with the whole damn situation. "Why the hell didn't you stand up to him? This isn't fair. You know Velanna hasn't done anything wrong!"

"That isn't how this works. She did something wrong the instant she started antagonizing people." He replied, turning to face her glower, staring it down. "I'm sorry, Ellana, I am, but that isn't how this works. Fairness doesn't play a part, the system...I know...I know it doesn't make sense to you, but please, trust me."

"She is gonna be so mad. So fucking mad, and I don't blame her at all." She groaned, lifting a hand when he stepped closer. "Shit, Solas, how could you do this?"

"If I hadn't said anything, he would have done it to every single one of you. I did what I thought was best at the time." He replied a little stiffly, reaching out and taking her hand, wrapping both of his around it. Reluctantly, she let herself be tugged in. "I know you aren't happy, but please don't take it out on me. I did everything I could to minimize the damage"

"I hate your stupid uncle." She muttered as he hugged her, still feeling pretty fucking sour about the whole thing. "Like, with a passion. Who the fuck tries to ruin someone's life over something like this? Even if she argues these grades, it's going to fuck her over, you know. I can't believe this! Who _does_ this?"

"I would rather not discuss it, and grades will not matter in the end if she still gets the degree. If she keeps herself quiet, it will be little more than a small hiccup on her transcript." He sighed, and when she growled he let out a breath that sounded suspiciously like an exhausted laugh. "Please. At least not tonight. I have...had my fill of stress for tonight."

She should be mad at him. She was. This was...fucking horrifying, really, and she should be furious with him. His uncle was straight evil, to do this to someone who'd literally done nothing but use her voice to talk about stuff she thought was wrong. And so they were, what, slapping her down to shut her up? That's literally what it was, a nasty, potentially life-ruining threat. What kind of people thought that ruining someone else's life was the only way to respond to being questioned? She should be mad with Solas, on top of being mad at everyone else. And she was, but...

He just sounded so tired and sad and worn down. And he...had told her right away, hadn't even tried to hide it or lie about it.

Ellie was growing very aware that she was a straight up sucker for him when he was miserable and stressed, and it seemed like he was all the time lately. It made her want to baby him, which simultaneously grossed out the part of her brain that hated cuddling, and worried the rest of her.

"Just...just tell me you understand how bad this is. She literally hasn't done anything wrong or illegal or anything." She insisted, and felt him sigh again as his arms wrapped around her tighter, his cheek tucking on the top of her head. "This is wrong."

"A lot of things that happen are wrong, emma halam." He murmured with resignation, and then finally admitted when she started to bristle, "But yes...this was wrong."

"Thank you." She muttered in frustration, and then asked hopefully, "Is there some way you can call him and tell him you were wrong? If you need to give him a name, give him mine. I'd be okay with that."

When his arms tightened around her, she was expecting him to pick her up, and only got a little dizzied by it as his arms shifted to tuck under her rear end. She clung, because she didn't have much choice, but she was still rather displeased with him.

"I am afraid it is too late." He admitted, and then kissed her temple when she heaved a sigh. "I still am uncertain why he was so irritated, but I am afraid it was either I gave him a name, or he lashed out against all of you. I think he may just be against the scholarship program."

"I'm mad." She informed him as he turned for the bed, fighting between her own guilt and the desire to make him stop being so damn sad. "And I'm not ignoring it."

"I understand." He murmured as he lowered her to the bed and promptly flopped onto her, pulling her back in against his chest.

She'd been expecting it, so she gave in with a token grump, heaving a long sigh as he curled himself around her and fell silent. He didn't say anything, but he didn't really need to, she'd been able to see and feel the tension in him since she came in through the window and he grabbed her for the first time. Lying in silence, she stared at the ceiling as he breathed in deeply and held her.

It wasn't cuddling, because they hadn't had sex, so obviously it didn't count.

Justifying it in her head distracted her enough that she could ignore the fact that the guilt was still there, making her stomach churn just a little. Making her feel nauseous. Not just because she was in bed with the person whose fault it could arguably be, but also because she now knew his uncle was basically looking for a reason to sabotage it all.

Shit.

She didn't want to be here, but that didn't mean she didn't understand how _important_ it was. The idea that it could all be taken away? That everybody else that was working so hard while she dicked around could have their futures _ruined_?

Suddenly she felt pretty shitty she'd been wasting the opportunity so far. And she felt like hell about Velanna.

She was going to be crushed.

Swallowing the knot in her throat, she closed her eyes and blocked out the thoughts. For now, at least.

  
  


  
  


"We should talk." He finally decided, when it became clear she wasn't going to put up with him for much longer. He could tell by the grumbling and fidgeting. He felt a good deal better, at least, even if she'd been oddly silent the whole time. "Can we, please?"

"Or...we could not talk?" She suggested, reaching down and giving his belt a little tug, despite not seeming that interested in it herself. The coquettish lilt sounded suspiciously hollow. "I can think of much more interesting things to do."

"Please." He asked quietly, and then sighed and rose when she nodded, though reluctantly. It was difficult to move away from her, but he needed his head clear.

She had a way of muddling things that he'd used to hate, but now he rather enjoyed. It was...one of a lot of things he enjoyed, actually. So much so that he was standing there trying desperately to find the right words to say. It was hard to put into words. What did he really have to offer, after all? Just himself, in the end, considering how confusing she was. She didn't care about the things she was supposed to care about, she'd spent all this time defying his expectations, turning everything upside down.

He'd rolled to his feet and started pacing, desperately trying to push down the nauseous uneasiness in his stomach and think. He had to find the right way to phrase this. Had to find a way to convince her that it would be worth the problems them being together would cause.

His family didn't mean anything to her, money didn't seem to mean anything to her, and yes, she found him physically attractive, but...

He just really didn't know what he had to offer her that she wouldn't laugh at.

"You're being weird." She pointed out as he paced, her eyes tracking him as she pulled up on the edge of the bed. "I'm the one who didn't want to do this, not you."

"It is just...difficult to put into words." He replied restlessly, and then took in a long, deep breath.

"Well, just start at the beginning." She suggested, folding her legs under herself and offering a charmingly lopsided smile, though he could see the unease lingering under it. "C'mon, it's just me."

"The beginning. Yes. It is becoming...increasingly obvious that things are going...in a different direction than it was initially." He started, stalling at her slight grin. "What?"

"You mean we don't hate each other as much as we thought we did." She suggested playfully, and despite his nerves he gave a small laugh.

"Yes, I suppose I do. In fact, I don't...I don't hate you at all, Ellana. I...like you quite a bit." Wry humor in his own mind now, considering the sheer ridiculousness of it. "It is...perhaps the most unwise I have ever been in my life, of course. Frankly, I cannot even believe we are having this conversation at all, but it seems to have happened somehow."

"Why?" This time her voice was guarded, and when he turned to face her she wasn't smiling any more. "Why is it so...unwise?"

"You must admit that we are very different, Ellana, we come from very different...backgrounds." He replied, a bit confused by her sudden distance. "That was all I was saying. We are very different, but I enjoy your company despite it, and I..."

"Despite. What." She snapped crisply, interrupting him, and he frowned.

Confusion faded, replaced by annoyance now. Stubborn. She was so stubborn, and right now it was a lot less endearing than it usually was. Was she really going to pick a fight over this? Here he was, trying to be honest with her, trying to express his feelings, and she was starting a fight.

"I am not certain what you are expecting me to say. It seems I cannot say anything the way you want it said tonight." He replied, and her lips thinned to a line. "I am trying to be forthright, Ellana."

"Okay, so, spit it out." She replied guardedly, which was not at all the reaction he was hoping for. He could feel his enthusiasm dying. "Right now, honestly, you're not doing a very good job of convincing me."

"Convincing you?" He wasn't quite sure what to think of this any more, her words just making him all the more nervous. Maybe this had been a mistake, maybe she really didn't think he had anything to offer her. "I am not sure what you mean, you were quite adamant that you aren't _like_ that."

"Convincing me that you're the nice guy, not the asshole, I meant. Because one of those guys I like. A _lot_. But he seems to come with the other one, and I don't like that one so much." She replied voice easing a little, though her words only made him more irritated. "I just don't get why you do this sometimes. You act like the fact that you like me is a bad thing. Don't you care how that makes me feel?"

"I...am sorry if it hurts you, Ellana, but it is the reality of the situation. I cannot do anything about it." He replied, a little tiredly. It wasn't as if he was going to lie to her to spare her feelings, after all, that would only make things worse down the line. "Do you know how much trouble being with you will cause for me? And yet, I am still willing to be seen in public with you, to be _with_ you, because I care about you."

"Holy shit." She groaned, lifting hands to cover her face, flopping backwards dramatically on the bed. "I am such a fucking idiot. You seriously had me fooled into hoping you weren't actually this bad."

"Excuse me?" He asked, annoyance turning into actual anger. "I am sorry, am I supposed to be pleased that my family would hate you? Am I supposed to be proud of myself for defying their high expectations of me? You can't even possibly imagine the kind of pressure I am under!"

"Seriously. Holy _fucking_ shit, Solas." Dropping her hand, she pushed violently to her feet and paced away, shaking her head. "Who the fuck do you think you are, the goddamn King of Orlais? Am I supposed to be happy that you decided you feel like slumming it in public?"

"I am not the one that keeps _using_ that word, you are!" He shouted back, well aware he shouldn't be raising his voice at her.

"I might be the one who says it, but you're the one who _believes_ it." She replied, rounding on him angrily, eyes hard. "You fucking...you'll lower yourself to be seen with me? How would you introduce me? 'Please excuse my girlfriend's manners, she's poor. You know how they are'."

"I have never said that. I would _never_ say that." He snapped at her, and she just glared, jaw set. "But nor will I ignore the reality of the situation to spare your feelings!"

"And what reality is that, Solas?" She asked, expression abruptly going calm, almost too much so for his comfort. "That I'm beneath you? That you're _better_ than me because I'm just a Dalish girl from the boonies, and your uncle's a morally bankrupt, controlling rich asshole that you're desperate to kiss up to?"

"Yes, fine. That is exactly what I meant." He declared, disgusted with her stubbornness, throwing up his hands. "You're completely correct, that is it. I have worked tirelessly for years to get where I am. He is finally _proud_ of me, he finally cares that I am alive, and yet I was still willing to risk it to be with you, but that apparently means nothing."

"You threw Vel under the bus to stay on his good side, I don't trust you. You'll do the same thing to me in an instant." She replied, shaking her head violently. "Fuck, I can't believe I was just going to let that go. I can't believe I was so stupid and selfish I was just going to keep eating up your shit even after you did that to her."

"I did it for you!" He retorted, knowing the instant her eyes latched on his that it had been the wrong thing to say, but he was too caught up in all of this now to back down yet. "It is true, are you happy? Falon'din may have brought you up while speaking about the Dalish students, but we both know you aren't the one to blame, she is."

"All she did is put up some damn flyers and ruffle your feathers a little! She hasn't done anything wrong! She _wants_ to be here, not me!" She replied, and now it was both of them shouting, her voice lifting to match his. "What the fuck is so goddamn threatening about a little complaining and some poking at your damn pride?"

"An insult to me is an insult to my family. Frankly, I have been putting up with more than I ever should have." He replied coldly, and then gave a long sigh, lifting his hand to his forehead and gentling his voice. "Ellana. It is over and done with, there is nothing I can do about it now. I understand that you are upset, but if you take some time to think and try to see things from my perspective...we can work this out."

She stared at him in silence, righteous anger fading as he tried to read her flat expression. Regret came as anger cooled, though he wasn't entirely sure why. Certainly he'd been a little harsh with her, but she had been even worse with him, and he wouldn't hold it against her. He'd been called much worse on a daily basis at home, and had much worse fights, as well. Arguments happened, it was part of life, but they'd...

"You don't get it, do you?" She asked, carefully, and then gave a small, disbelieving laugh. "There's no...working it out, Solas."

"What exactly are you trying to say?" He asked, stomach dropping a bit as he stared at her. She wasn't meeting his eyes any more. "Ellana, it will be fine, I am not angry, I know this will take some adjusting, but..."

"Solas, get your head out of your ass. I'm done with you, you spoiled, self-centered asshole." She informed him icily as he stared, mind blank with shock. "I will never... _ever_ be your fucking girlfriend, or anything else. I can't believe I thought you were actually a nice guy under it all. You had me so...so fucking _fooled."_

"Ellana, I...!" He started, falling silent as she lifted a hand and shook her head violently, eyes wet but furious.

"No. No, fuck you. You know, all this time I just..." She stopped, shook her head and turned for the door, pacing away. She started reaching for the handle and stopped, turning on him again with enough vehemence that he took a half step back. "You want an answer? The answer is no, Solas. No, you aren't a good person."

He was still staring blankly at the door when it slammed closed, and he listened to the sound of her storming down the stairs, footsteps fading away.

  
  


  
  


**Unknown Caller**

  
  


11:24 Ellana, please come back.

11:25 We can talk about this.

11:25 I am not going to beg, so if that is what you are trying to accomplish you will be disappointed.  
  


11:32 Would you please just answer me?

 

11:39 Please?

  
  


  
  


It was stupid that Ellie was crying, and she felt stupid for doing it, but for some reason couldn't stop. She should feel good that she'd gotten in the last word, should feel good that she stood up for herself, but instead she just felt sick and sad and gutted. It was hard not to wallow. All she wanted to do was go home and sob into her pillow, but she couldn't. There was a bigger problem than the fact that she'd been completely dumb and blind.  A problem bigger than the fact that she'd decided to ignore all her instincts just because he was nice _sometimes_.

Velanna was probably still up, at least she could hope so.

Pulling up the hood of her sweatshirt, she wrapped her arms around herself as she headed up the stairs to her floor. It wasn't even midnight yet, and on a Friday it meant that things were pretty busy. Too busy for her taste, but right now she was too miserable to care that she was a crying, snotty mess. Whatever, they could stare. Go ahead.

Vel's door was open as she trooped down the hall, which was simultaneously good and bad. She really didn't want an audience, but at least it meant she wasn't busy. She could hear the television, blaring away as she peeked into the room.

Great, a whole pack of them. Basically everyone except for her and Merrill, actually, which made her feel a little guilty and crummy on top of everything else. She had ditched everyone, hadn't she? Been too wrapped up in her dumb fake relationship with a dumb fake fratboy who had fooled her into thinking he wasn't scum.

It was completely unfair that she felt bad for being mad at him.

Everything made her feel bad right now, though.

Lyna and Tamlen were sitting on the bed, tangled up together as always, and Lanaya was sitting on the floor, painting her nails. Velanna was perched on her computer chair, in the midst of a rant about the movie that died off when they noticed her.

"Hey, Ellie!" It was Lanaya who greeted her, her smile fading almost instantly. "Ellie, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." She replied instantly as eyes turned to her, her own fixed on Velanna, meeting her stare. She'd tried to prepare a speech, but for the life of her she couldn't remember it. "I'm sorry, Vel, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

"What is?" Velanna replied bluntly, crossing her arms over her chest. "You look like a wreck, Ellie."

Trust her to cut straight to the chase. It was easier, at least, even if it made her feel like things were going to go pretty damn badly.

If they did, she deserved it.

"They were pissed. The...flyers, and the online stuff and the bugging them on campus or whatever. And that jerk Falon'din brought it up to his uncle, and..." She started, and then stopped, closing her eyes. Why was she trying to protect him? No, no fucking point. Taking in a deep breath, she wiped her cheeks and continued. "Listen, Sol...Fen'harel gave his uncle your name. Because he wanted to know who was doing it."

"So, why is that your fault? And who really cares?" Velanna replied, a little bit sharply, though she could see the faint hint of fear. "Why does he even care?"

"Ellie..." Lanaya started worriedly, quickly capping the nail polish and starting to rise.

"No, Lana, it's okay. Whatever. Fen'harel and I have been...were...sort of together for...a while now. Or whatever...it was fucking weird, honestly. There, it's out." She sighed, avoiding Velanna's suddenly much harder stare. "He was...he wasn't that bad. Most of the time, but...Falon'din was going to give his uncle my name and he stepped in, and it's so stupid, because you are the _last_ person who deserves this, Vel."

"...Deserves what?" This time it was Lyna who spoke up, voice dry as ever. "What could they do? I'm glad he knows people are pissed, I'm sure you are too, Velanna."

."Actually, yeah. I suppose that I am. All it would have taken was a quick internet search to get my name anyways." Vel agreed, and then shook her head, expression irritated, but not so hard. "Ellie, no offense intended, but you really need to get better taste in men."

"Umh...that's what I said too, but..." She started, ignoring the little barb because she probably deserved it. "He said...you're going to be failing all your exams. Which means...academic probation. Because of the terms of the scholarship."

Silence, then, and she stared at her feet, lifting a hand to wipe her cheeks as a couple more tears escaped. Crap. She felt like complete crap, honestly, like scum. She was aware that everyone was eyeing her, but she couldn't lift her head now. It made her feel guilty that the thing she was upset about was breaking things off with him, when this was a real, actual problem.

But it hurt. It hurt a _lot_.

"That doesn't make any sense." Lyna finally said, voice cool and dispassionate as she leaned forward on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on her knees. "Of course, everyone is aware people get grades adjusted due to family connections, but this is a whole other level. You're really saying that they're going to do this to her...just because, what, she bothered a few people?"

"He said it probably had to do with not liking the scholarship program in the first place." Ellie responded faintly, reaching up to wipe her eyes. "I guess it was just a good enough excuse. You don't have to believe me, I guess. I just...he just told me, so...he said that if he hadn't given them someone's name it would have probably happened to all of us. I told him he should have...I told him he should have given my name, I don't even _deserve_ to be here."

It felt suspiciously close to trying to defend him, but she had to give him that. If he'd even been telling the truth. She had a feeling he was. He wouldn't lie to her if he'd really wanted to keep her around, and it seemed like he had.

 _Despite_ himself.

"I assume you told him to go to hell?" Lyna prodded eventually, and she stared at her feet, guilt growing worse. "C'mon, Ellie, even if this isn't true..."

She didn't want to say anything. And that's what she'd meant to say, when she opened her mouth. That she'd just walked away, or whatever, but her stupid emotions pushed her brain out of the way and took over. She could feel her eyes starting to get watery again.

"He told me that, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend." She admitted with a hint of a laugh, coming out as a stupid little croak. "He said that...even though it would look bad for him to be seen in public with me, he was willing to make the sacrifice."

Silence again, for a few seconds, and then Tamlen gave a disgusted sigh, speaking up for the first time.

"What a _dick_."

  
  


Ellie just burst into tears.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Sebastian**

  
  


_00:04 Sebastian, it's Lanaya, are you still awake?_

00:05 I've got you in my phone Lana. You don't have to do that every time.

_00:05 I'm sorry._

_00:05 It's just._

_00:05 :(_

00:05 What's wrong?

_00:05 Your friend Solas has done something awful._

_00:05 I really don't know what to make of it._

_00:05 I was trying to keep an open mind._

_00:05 Despite protests she actually seemed happy._

_00:05 You ARE Ellie's friend as well, aren't you?_

00:06 I like to think so. What's he done now?

_00:08 Broken her heart. :( Among other things._

_00:08 Poor Ellie. Poor Velanna._

_00:08 I think from what she's saying, I should feel bad for him as well._

_00:08 Then again, I've always been told I'm a bit too softhearted._

_00:08 You said he would not hurt her on purpose._

_00:09 I want to believe you were right._

00:09 Sounds like a story. Like to go for a walk?

00:10 If yes don't wear black this time. I can't see in the dark well as you.

_00:11 I'm sorry._

_00:11 I forget._

_00:12 I'll go get Lyna to keep an eye on Ellie and then meet you at the fountain._

_00:12 Did you want to walk to the Chantry this time?_

00:13 No. Thank you for keeping me company Lana. I know I've been a bit much.

_00:14 It's all right._

_00:14 I'll see you soon._

  
  


  
  


**Cassandra (Cell2)**

  
  


02:24 Problem.

02:25 Text me when you get up for your run.

02:25 Bloody idiot locked his door. Won't answer his phone.

02:25 Probably in there brooding.

 

_05:46 What has he done._   
  


05:59 Sun isn't even up yet Cass.

_06:02 And yet you are answering me._

06:04 Turned up the volume.

_06:04 What has happened?_

06:05 Long story. Delay for ten minutes and I'll join you.

_06:06 You are slow. -_-_

_06:06 But very well. You will have to try to keep up._

06:12 And then we get donuts.

_06:13 No, Sebastian. That defeats the purpose._

06:13 Well you can get black coffee and scowl at it.

_06:15 -_-_

_06:15 Hurry up._

 

  
  


**Solas**

  
  


_09:23 Grades have been posted_.

09:28 Thank you, Cassandra.

_09:29 You are welcome._

_09:32 I will be over with dinner at six._

09:33 I have plans.

_09:34 No, you do not._

_09:34 I will be over at six._

_09:35 Are you going to answer Sebastian?_

09:35 No.

  
  


 

It was incredible after a long period of denial, then misery and frustration, that the mind found a way to just...shut itself off. Solas wasn't feeling in the mood for revelations, and his perfect scores had almost seemed like a mockery of this entire situation. He should be happy. He should be celebrating, but instead he simply felt numb.

A bitter part of his mind informed him that it didn't matter. Perfection was expected, it was the standard, he should not be patting himself on the back for doing as he was supposed to.

"I thought that perhaps it had been exaggerated." Cassandra declared as she shouldered her way into his room, making Solas regret his decision to open the door to tell her to go away. "I thought that this was some sort of dramatics. The grades do not lie, however. Do they?"

It had been a faint hope that his uncle might forget about it, or decide it was a waste of time and favors. If he had any energy left to feel anything, he might be bothered right now. As it stood, he simply felt resigned.

"She brought it upon herself." He responded flatly, moving to sit at his desk, ignoring the hard look she was giving him. "She should not have tried to antagonize my family."

"That is an excuse. She should not be punished for using her voice. Something you agree with on principle, might I remind you." Cassandra declared flatly, passing him a styrofoam container before moving to sit on his bed. "But it seems when it comes to your family, especially as of late, you ignore your own principles."

"Thank you." He murmured quietly, accepting the box, and the lecture both as his due. Perhaps hearing it from her could somehow make sense of it, as he had yet to be able to himself. "We have had this discussion before, under another guise. You know how hard I have worked..."

"You always default to that, Solas. Are you so afraid of their approval being taken away from you that you sacrifice your own ideals?" Cassandra asked pointedly. Too pointedly, numbness giving way to discomfort. "I thought that might be it. Don't lie, I can tell."

"There are certain compromises that must be made..." He replied, turning and setting the container on his desk, thumbing it open. "I would rather not have this discussion."

"Some things should not be compromised. It is as simple as that." Cassandra dismissed, raising her brows at the irritated expression he turned on her. "I know you are a good person, Solas. I also know that you are incredibly stubborn, even when wrong."

"It would have happened either way. All I did was provide a name at the right time, nothing more." He said, shaking his head and fishing out the fork. Habit, more than any actual desire to eat. "If I had said nothing, it would have been much worse. And yet, I am the villain, instead of having even the least bit of credit offered to me."

It was hard not to be angry, being angry was easy and comfortable, and much more pleasant to bear than the other feelings. He could feel Cassandra's stare boring into the side of his face, and he irritably ignored it.

"Or you could have told him any number of things. Told him it was not important, that you would handle it, any number of things that could have changed his mind." Cassandra replied flatly, dismissing his anger with a flick of her wrist, before stabbing a piece of chicken. "You chose not to."

"I did what I thought was best." He replied, irritated to hear his voice weakening slightly. "Saying anything else would have made me a target as well."

"So you are a coward. Better at least to admit it." Cassandra said bluntly, and then met his angry, shocked stare without flinching. "Or admit that you are choosing to give up your ideals. For what? A man who does not care about you?"

"That is enough, Cassandra." He replied, keeping his voice as controlled as he could. "I will not listen to this."

"Being you is not good enough for him, it never was. So now you have decided you must be him? How happy is that making you?" She seemed not to care that he was staring him down, deliberately taking another bite of her food as he glared at her, chewing and swallowing before continuing. "But you will tell me that your happiness is not important. I think it is very sad, Solas."

"What is?" He snapped, despite wanting more than anything for her to be silent, to leave. At the same time, he needed to hear her say something, to explain some of this, somehow. To explain how this could have all ended up so _wrong_.

He had thought things were going so well. He'd nearly been happy at last.

"I have known you longer than Sebastian has, Solas, and despite your wishes, I have not forgotten how things were those first few months after we met." Cassandra answered, setting her fork down, voice growing more earnest. "I have watched you pull back, I have watched you do again and again what you thought was expected of you. You have tried to make yourself into someone you are not. I think it is very sad that you may _become_ that person in truth."

"And what...exactly...is wrong with that person?" He asked again, lifting a hand as he felt the edges of a headache beginning to form. "It is the person I need to be for the future awaiting me."

"It is your future, and it could be anything you wished. I am not a therapist, Solas, but I am afraid this has hardly been a subtle transformation." Cassandra sighed, shaking her head slowly. "I was not sure what to think, before. I thought that you would hurt Ellana. Which you have, but I think that you have hurt yourself more."

"That is none of your business. Cassandra, I have put up with..." He started, and then stopped short as she glared at him for the first time, shaking her head slightly as her eyes narrowed. Pausing, he adjusted his tone. She was right, he should not raise his voice to her. "Please, Cassandra, leave it. It is over, she has made that incredibly clear."

"Very well, I will say nothing of Ellana." She agreed, much to his relief, but still continued speaking, "Perhaps you should stop chasing the approval of a man who is not even a fraction of the man you could be if you let go of this all. Your uncle has made his choices. Don't follow him."

"He is a great man. He has done great things. There is no place for principles in business." He parroted, and then nearly winced when he realized he had.

"He is a horrible man, who hurts people. There is no place for principles in business? Solas, that is where they are needed most sorely of all." Cassandra declared decisively, shaking her head. "People are not numbers. He damaged this poor girl's future because she dared to cause a fuss about the awful things he is doing. She has the right. It is the Dalish he is attempting to drag to court, after all."

This time he had nothing to say, avoiding her gaze as he pushed food around the container. It was not as easy as he would like to separate himself from this conversation, to wall himself off and respond coolly. He felt raw in more ways than one, and just thinking about Ellana was like an open wound he was determined to ignore.

Except, like an open wound, he was reminded of it constantly.

"She told me I was not a good person." He admitted, when the silence grew more uncomfortable than he liked. "I had never stopped to consider before that I was not. Not even when it was brought up before, it was too uncomfortable to think about."

"You are a good person. You are a good person who is trying to force himself to become a ruthless person." Cassandra replied bluntly, but with a hint of sympathy. "I would imagine it is hard to feel that is what you have to be in order to be loved."

If it had been anyone else, he never would have listened, but it was her. Still, the unvarnished simplicity of the statement demanded he ignore it, and so he shook it off, forcing himself to take a bite of his food. She had no idea what she was talking about, but she cared. She cared, and he should at least acknowledge that, even if there was nothing else he felt he could face right now.

"I have not been a very good friend, as of late." He finally offered, quietly. "I am sorry."

"You are forgiven." Cassandra said gravely, stabbing a piece of broccoli and lifting it contemplatively. "But next time I may not be so willing to do so."

"Understood."

He was grateful when she said nothing else, and they finished their dinner in peace. There were quite a few things he wanted to ask, things he wanted to hear her say, but he didn't feel quite ready to hear any of them. Everything told him there had to be a way to make things right again, but...there was something there, deep and old and intensely painful that Cassandra had been prodding at. If he really needed to face it in order to understand it all, maybe he just wasn't capable of doing so. His mind simply shut down when he tried.

Silence would have to do, for now.

  
  


 


	20. Chapter 20

Cassandra had asked him something twice, he was quite certain, but he was finding it somewhat difficult to concentrate at the moment. He was aware, from her irritated expression as he glanced up from his phone that she was expecting a response, and the slight lift of his eyebrow got an exasperated, disgusted sigh.

"What are your Satinalia plans?" She finally relented and asked yet again, picking up her sandwich and gesturing with it. "You are welcome to come with me, you know. There is no true need for you to go back to that place. I am staying with my brother, not my uncle."

"Mythal expects me." He replied, turning back to his phone, resisting the urge to open up his texts again. He was just tormenting himself reading them repeatedly. It would be better to just delete them.

And yet, he could not manage to bring himself to do so.

"...Does not mean you have to bow to their whims." Cassandra finished, the slight lift of her voice dragging his attention back again. "You would have a far better time with Anthony and I."

"It will be unpleasant, but not that bad. Truly, Cassandra, you worry too much. If anything, they should be worried about dealing with me." He assured absently, forcing himself to turn off his phone and tuck it away. "I expect with Falon'din's defeat at the hands of actual education, it will be far more tolerable."

"Solas..." She sighed, and he pulled his gaze up to meet her earnest one. There was sympathy there, and he frowned and glanced away from it. "I am sorry. I wish I had some advice..."

"There is nothing to advise." He replied, feeling his voice go sharp and brittle, and he forced it to gentle again. "I am being a fool. You have been remarkably willing to not discuss the matter so far, but I must repeat that this needs no interference."

"You do care about her, don't you?" She prodded, head tilting to the side as he averted his gaze. "Solas, forgive me for saying so, but it is fairly obvious."

"There is some fundamental incompatibility." He replied, trying to ignore the creeping discomfort that informed him that he had somehow _hurt_ her. Once he had gotten through the shock and numbness, through the hope that she would come back, that thought had entered his mind and refused to leave. "If she refuses to see the reality of the situation there is nothing I can do."

"Yes, as much I have heard." Cassandra said, so dryly that he had a feeling she did not agree. "Well, it matters little. Ellana left early this morning."

He ignored the slight twinge at that news, and the fact that he perhaps had been considering going by the coffee shop in the hopes that she was there. At least only to see her before he left for two weeks, something to tide him over before he started trying to come to grips with the fact that she was in fact determined to stay away.

It hurt a bit that he had deleted all the pictures she had sent him already, just as much as it hurt to look in the mirror and see her work, half-finished across his shoulder. He would be going in again on Wednesday to get it finished. At this point it seemed a shame to leave it half done. Certainly there was some obtuse metaphor there to be had if he did not complete it, but he wasn't feeling particularly theatrical.

"Solas, you have been dropping into silence every time I stop speaking." Cassandra abruptly pointed out, and he pulled his gaze up, frowning intently. "There is no need to deny it. Can you not speak of it at all? I know that things with Ellana are bothering you."

"There...is nothing left to say." He finally replied, a bit stiffly. "She certainly said it all. Please, Cassandra, I much preferred it when you were politely avoiding the subject."

"Yes, well, I am getting it in before the break." She replied wryly, and then sighed in defeat and shook her head. "Very well. But, if I may...I have a request. Call it a Satinalia gift if you must."

"Dare I ask?" He replied dryly, glancing briefly at his neglected salad, and then back at his phone when it vibrated.

An email. Nothing important.

"There is a book. I want you to read." Cassandra admitted, jaw tightening slightly under the dubious stare he turned on her. "Yes, it could be considered a psychology book, or perhaps even a...self help book, but it comes highly recommended. It is about family dynamics."

"You have to be joking." He replied uncomfortably, fixing her with a stare so intent that he momentarily forgot his cellphone. "You?"

"Do me this favor, tell me I am wrong, and I will never ask another ever again." Cassandra said bluntly, beginning to rise as he stared at her. "I should be going, my flight is in four hours."

Betrayed yet again, it seemed, by the part of his brain that was insistent he refuse to let this all go, he felt a surge of frustrated pain. It angered him how it made him feel, but more than that, it angered him that there seemed to be no solution at all. Right now he wasn't feeling angry, however, but desperate to find a way to make it end.

When it had gone from being with her to needing her to come back, he didn't know, but when his mind stopped twisting in on itself that was all he could think of.

"How do I fix it?" He asked abruptly, trying not to sound as helpless as he felt. "I know you have been talking to her, please. How...how do I fix it, Cassandra?"

"I do not know that you can." She replied bluntly, but not without some sympathy. "But I think if you could discover why it was that you felt the need to make her feel less than you..."

"I never did. I never would." He denied instantly, mind rebelling at the thought. Her, less than him? Of course not, she was... "There are simply...realities of the situation that..."

"Logic has very little to do with love, Solas. I think that perhaps in this case, some of your presuppositions are incorrect." Cassandra replied a bit crisply, and then gave a long sigh, shaking her head. "My friend, if you do not start working on opening your eyes..."

"Everyone says that, but they will not tell me what they expect me to see!" Desperation gave way to anger, yet again, and he threw his fork down on his plate. "What is so wrong with me, exactly?"

"I simply think that this future you have decided is in store for you..." Cassandra began, with surprising hesitancy, and then steeled herself in both voice and posture and continued. "May not be suited to you at all. It has changed you, you are swallowing your own ideals to chase your goal. It will continue to change you, and those of us who care about you, do not care for the person that you are becoming. You will likely lose us, just as you lost her."

He wasn't certain why he was so shocked by her bluntness, but he had a feeling that he had been gaping at her in silence, mind blank, until she broke the moment with a long sigh. Closing his mouth abruptly, he tried to push aside the first surge of anger, breathing in slowly and then letting it out in an exhale. Forcing himself to take a moment, a single moment to absorb it, there was only one thing he could manage to come up with.

"If that is true...as you claim it is...then everything I have been working for my entire life would be completely pointless. All of my hard work, sacrifice, everything would mean absolutely nothing."

"Yes. Well." Cassandra replied quietly, reaching down to pick up her suitcase, "I can see how that would be difficult to come to terms with. Only you can answer it, though you know I am always willing to listen. The offer stands to join us, should things become more unpleasant than you can bear."

"...Thank you, Cassandra." He replied numbly, not feeling particularly grateful.

In his peripheral vision, he saw her step away, hesitate for a few moments, and then finally turn and walk away, leaving him alone. It seemed that was the way he would continue to be. He once thought he had reached the end of his being alone, when he had finally stepped away from his cousin's shadow and stood up on his own.

It seemed that was no longer the case.

Certainly there were other people willing to befriend him, he could get along fine with most sorts, once he learned how to anticipate them. It was only that...Cassandra and Sebastian were the only ones he could truly say would be there if he needed him. It was strange. Even when they were fighting, even when they had been at odds, he had always felt the same way about Ellana.

Odd how that could be.

It was uncomfortable how much he missed her.

Forcing the thought aside, he picked up his phone and left his abandoned lunch, heading out of the corner cafe to make his way home. Odd how the fraternity house was more like home than the one he had lived in for so many years. Going back for more than a Sunday dinner felt more like a sentence than a holiday, but it would be survived.

Hopefully.

Likely with a lot of alcohol. Ah, family.

  


  


_10:04 Please._

_10:04 I just need to talk._

  


_12:06 It's just all completely miserable._

_12:08 The fighting at home. It makes me wonder why I care so much what they think._

_12:09 And I'm a part of it. Every time one of them says something to me, I say something back. And the cycle continues. I suppose I never realized I was a part of it, it is second nature to me. I even enjoy it, you know. Especially when I can find something to lord over Falon'din. He deserves it. But._

_12:11 I can see all the cracks. I can see all the cracks in everything, as if I am surrounded by things I never knew were flawed. If it weren't for Mythal I probably would have packed already and gone home. Why did I always just ignore it before? Everything feels so strangely out of balance._

_12:13 It all seems so brittle, and fake. I can remember times when it seemed natural to get into a fight with my cousin, and then be perfectly fine sitting down next to each other at dinner. Now it makes me angry. Sitting down with these people at a table makes me angry._

_12:13 Cassandra recommended a book to me. Despite my feelings, I did pick it up. I read a little._

_12:15 It made me uncomfortable._

_12:15 I believe that means I should read more, but I am a little hesitant to do so. I wonder why._

  


12:25 Because your afraid

  


_12:25 I suppose you're right. I thought about denying it, but that would just make me seem in denial. Because...I would be denying it._

_12:25 This is me talking in circles because I don't know what to say to you. You've answered me and I did not expect you to, and I have had too much to drink, and I don't know what to say to you. It's weak to admit it, which I am well aware of._

_12:26 I'm not expecting an answer. I know that you're angry, and I hurt you. Just say no and I will leave you alone. I just wish I knew what to do to fix this. Cassandra says I can't. I thought I could accept that, but I miss you so much. Again, weak to admit it, but it seems I am determined to be weak._

_12:27 Can't you at least tell me what I can try to do?_

12:45 No and its not fair of you to ask that either don't put that kind of burden on me it's selfish selfish and shitty and I feel bad enough its not my job to make YOU feel better or set up some kind of TEST do you really think I walked away so you would chase me???

FUCK. THAT.

You know what now I'm pissed pissed that you think this is some sort of game I am playing instead of me seeing something shitty and being treated shitty and saying NO MORE the worst part is you don't get it you just don't get it you don't understand how much you hurt me and how much you hurt YOURSELF why do you assume I'm playing games??

You did it more than once you know like the stuff with money how you always treated me like I was hanging around with you for it do you REALLY think that little of yourself you fucking ass I was with you because I liked you YOU it has to be over because your head is screwed on so backwards that you think telling me you miss me is weak >(

I never asked you to be strong I never asked anything but to be treated like a fucking person just the same as you but you can't do that IDK why IDK why you have people in your head with like dollar fucking signs attached to them that defines how much they're worth like somehow your uncle is worth so much more than anyone that he gets to ruin peoples lives and you just accept that but I don't even get to have enough worth to you to accept me and like me the way I am you have to sit there and tell me that you like me DESPITE me being who I am like I'm a negative value that drags down YOUR value like a fucking withdrawl in your FUCKING bank account of life what the HELL are you so obsessed with saving for what the fucking hell is so important that you'll destroy other peoples lives other peoples happiness YOUR HAPPINESS AND THE LIFE YOU COULD BE LIVING to get it???

Please fucking respect me enough not to text me again I realize you need someone to talk to but Cass and Seb will listen to you but you texting me hurts me so if you actually care even a little you'll stop

 

_01:18 I'm sorry. I will not bother you again._

  
  


  


"Why're you crying?"

  


The question came from above her, and Ellie quickly sniffled and wiped her eyes, glancing up from her phone in the dark. Letting out a little sigh, dried her cheeks as best as she could, and then rolled up to sit, careful not to bang her head on the top bunk. The small face peering down at her was, unsurprisingly, scowling, and Ellie bit back a sigh.

"Because I'm sad, buggit. Why are you awake? Were you watching videos on your phone? Why do you even have a phone? You're way too young."

"I'm almost nine, I can stay up as late as I want. And I can have a phone, everybody at school has one." Mira replied, and then scowled again at her disbelieving expression. "It's true. You shouldn't cry. Are you crying because you want to leave again already? Mom didn't mean to be mean, you know. I don't think you think you're better than us."

"I know, frowny-face. No, I'm crying for a really dumb reason. I'm crying over a boy." She admitted, managing a faint smile for Mira's scowl. "I know, right? Super dumb."

"Really dumb, Ellie." Mira agreed, and then swung herself off of the top bunk, doing one of those little backflips off the top bunk that always made her flinch a little.

She always landed on her feet, though. Maybe if she landed on her butt a few times she'd stop doing it. Hopefully before she cracked her skull open.

"Yeah, well, he was pretty mean to me, but even though I know that, I still like him. I'm mad about that part, but I figure it'll go away eventually." Ellie admitted, forcing herself to delete the texts before she started reading them again. "It's hard, though. I really really liked him. But he screwed up pretty bad."

"You should stay away from boys, anyways, Ellie. They just leave." There was a little catch in her sister's voice. "Mom says they do."

Making a mental note to have a Talk with mom in the morning, Ellie stifled a sigh and rubbed her head, flinging out her free hand, she caught her sister by the arm and pulled her down to flop next to her.

"That's not true. Is something going on with mom and Mac I should know about?" She asked, already dreading the answer, but knowing that she had to understand what was going on.  No one else would tell mom to knock it off, it was Ellie's responsibility. "Are they fighting? If they are, you have to say something, they shouldn't be doing that stuff around you."

"No. Maybe. Dad's gonna leave." Mira admitted, and Ellie sighed and reached in, slinging an arm across her shoulders and pulling her in. "I'm sick of them pretending like I don't know, it's dumb. They're dumb.."

"You're probably right." She admitted, ignoring the part of her brain that told her to lie. No point, she'd obviously heard something. "I think Mac is probably going to move out. They're probably going to get a divorce, but that doesn't mean you won't see him any more, or that he doesn't love you. How do you feel about it?"

"Sad. But I'm tired of listening to mom talk bad about him, it's not nice." Mira admitted in a small voice, her head slumping against Ellie's side. "Ellie, mom said we're best friends, and I'm not supposed to keep secrets from her."

"Yeah, she used to tell me that too. I think it makes her feel better, but you and me both know that it's not true." Ellie replied patiently, turning the side hug into a proper one. "The problem with mom is she thinks your secrets are just fun stories to tell all her friends. Remember when I got taken to the police station and she wouldn't stop talking about it?"

"You made dumb choices, Ellie." Mira informed her dourly, and she gave a little laugh. "She wouldn't stop talking about it until you got into college."

"Exactly. Is this because she's been trying to talk to you about boys?" She prodded, and got a nod in response, which just made her sigh all over again. "Creators, mom, really? No, Mira, you don't have to tell her anything."

"Why not?"

"Because, bugs, you're eight, and even if you decide later that you do like boys, or some boys, or still no boys, it's still not gonna be her business if you don't want it to be." She replied firmly, and then lowered her voice a little. "You know, I like some boys and some girls, and I'm not gonna tell her that. So there, that can be your secret, and I'll keep mine."

"Okay." Mira agreed, and then added quietly, "I don't want mom to be mad at me."

"If mom gets mad at you, bug, because you kissed a girl at school, then she's wrong, not you." Ellie replied placidly, and then added, "But like I said before, probably don't want to do that again, because you're kind of young."

"Jenny said she's kissed seven boys." Mira murmured, already sounding half asleep.

"There's a word for Jenny, but I'm too polite to say it." Ellie said and then laughed at the confused expression squinted at her. "I'm joking. It was a dumb joke anyways, and kind of mean. Shouldna said it. Go to sleep, bug, you can share my bed."

"Wanted to wait for dad." Mira replied in a grumble, but shifted past her to flop down anyways, stealing Ellie's pillow. "Don't cry any more, Ellie, okay?"

"I'll stay up and wait for him. And I'll try, bugs."

A promise she didn't mind keeping, because honestly, right about now she wanted to have a word with him. As Mira drifted off, she plugged in her phone, resisted the urge to text Sebastian and complain about Solas. It would only be giving him more headspace than she already did. Which was...a lot. Basically all the time.

Because she was a stupid idiot and probably still liked him way too much even though he'd done something horrible, and she felt so bad that he was so screwed up.

"Moron." She muttered to herself as she closed the door behind herself and went out to wait for her soon to be ex stepdad.

She was really bothered by how well Mira had taken it, which meant she'd known for a while, and Ellie hadn't been here. That was what bugged her most of all, honestly. Being away from it all, and not being here to help when things got bad. She was really gonna hafta have a talk with mom tomorrow. Probably loud and long. Maybe she could send Mira next door.

Ugh, just thinking about it gave her a headache.

  


She was opening up one of the beers from the back of the fridge when she heard the truck drive in and the door slam. Well, too late to not get caught. With a mental shrug, she turned back to pull out another one, listening to the front door being unlocked.

"Welcome home." She greeted as the door closed, shutting out the cold air outside. "Stole one of your beers."

Closing the fridge to meet the suddenly sour squint being leveled down at her, she grinned lopsidedly and offered out the unopened can. Bridging the distance, Mac reached across the counter and grabbed it out of her hand in one of his.

"You're eighteen." He pointed out gruffly.

"And that's legal at school." She replied with a grin, and then laughed as he exhaled heavily and cracked open the beer. "Nice try, though. Hey, so, listen. I don't know if you're trying to wait until the holidays are over or whatever..."

She paused, waiting until he'd taken a drink of his beer and gestured with the can for her to continue. His face was impossible to read, but it always was, so it didn't bother her. He didn't get mad, anyways.  Ellie didn't think she'd ever heard him raise his voice ever, which was nice.  Well, nice except that maybe it would have done some good for someone to say something to her mom, get her to back down.  Whenever Ellie tried to talk back, it always just ended up in shouting.  There had to be some happy middle, didn't there, between mom's drama and Mac's immovable objectness?

Still, it was good to have one person in the house that didn't have to be handled with care.

"But Mira already knows things are finally shot, and she'll be fine. I know I'm not here, so it's touchy, but honestly, everything's gonna be fine." Ellie continued, all too aware of his stare leveled on it. She took a drink of her own beer, trying to keep her voice steady. "I can get them through it, you shouldn't have to keep putting up with her crap."

Silence for a few seconds, contemplative as they drank their beers and stared at each other, until Mac finally frowned and shook his head.

"Not your job, kid." He sighed, leaning against the counter. "She's got your aunt Patty, she's got Nehna."

"If I don't let her lean on me, she's gonna lean on Mira." She countered, and then shrugged as he sighed again. "It's fine, Mac, I'm used to it. Remember? I'm pretending to be the 'good kid' now."

"Well, least that rich kid school didn't change you." He grunted, shaking his head. "Your mom and I decided to wait until next year."

"As long as you're okay with i..." She started, and then grimaced at the heavy, rough hand that plopped on top of her head. "Stoppit."

"You're okay." He asked her simply, voice a quiet gravel. "Yeah, kid?"

"Yeah...I'm okay. I mean, this stuff isn't exactly a surprise, and school..." She decided, trying not to think about it too much. "I hate it there and I don't fit in and almost all my friends are mad at me right now even though they're pretending not to be, but I'm okay. I thought I didn't want to fit in, but it's a lot different than like...pretending not to fit in, I guess, and I went and pissed off the people who were in the same boat as me."

There was silence, but the hand lifted off of her head after a tousle and she heard the metallic rattle of his can being tossed into the recycling. Lifting her head, she met his eyes as she shoved her hair back out of the way, lips twisting to the side as he shook his head a little.

"When I met you, I thought to myself, 'well, there's a little girl that's never been a little girl'." He told her, and she gave a sarcastic snort, shaking her head.  There was a pause, until finally he spoke again. "Let yourself screw up a little, El. Just don't tell your mom."

"I love how in most houses it's 'don't lie to your mother'. Shit, Mac, we just get everything ass backwards, don't we?" She asked him, and got a faint hint of a tired chuckle. "Trust me. I've...already done my share of screwing up for a _while_. I'll let you sleep."

He gave her a slap on her shoulder as she ducked around to throw her own can away, and she managed a faint smile for him before heading back to bed. That was about as close as they ever got to a hug, she'd take it.  He'd always done his best by her, and that was how he showed that he cared.  It meant more than words anyways.  A whole damn lot more than words/

Ellie wasn't much for physical affection, anyways. Not like Solas was. Clingy pain in her...

Oh yeah. Right.

It was irritating to realize as she tried to shove Mira to one side of the bed so that she could actually fit on there that she was crying again. Just a few, stupidly stubborn tears. Angrily blinking them away, she attempted to get a corner of the pillow for herself, eventually giving up and tucking her arm under her head. Easier than actually getting back up again and getting the other pillow. Creators, she was getting tired of crying.  


When did it start hurting less?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I broke up the massive Text Rant(tm) into more readable chunks. I decided the impact of having it one block of text was negated by the unreadability. I hope this helps people who had trouble reading it before. <3 Probably gonna be some email spam tonight while I try to get the rest of the chapters up.


	21. Chapter 21

**Sebastian Vael**

 

_12:29 Ouch brother. Ouch. Well at least she's being honest with you?_

12:31 Very diplomatic. Is this your way of saying you aren't going to disagree with her?

_12:32 Oh no she's completely right. I just would have been a lot nicer about it. You know better than to drunk text._

12:34 Regret weighs heavy, trust me. I am not feeling terribly pleased with myself this morning. I also know that an apology would be very, very unwelcome.

_12:35 Sure enough._

12:35 Enough about me. How are you holding up?

_12:36 Tense and frigid. It's fun being home. I've mostly been volunteering, a lot to be done around the holidays. Brothers think I'm odd, but they're busy themselves._

12:36 Your mother?

_12:37 Not sure she knows quite what to make of me right now all told. Said she's glad I'm being serious now but she's side eyeing all the charity work. You know how it goes we give to charity not do charity._

12:38 Oh yes. Well aware of that one.

_12:38 Not sure what she's going to do when she finds out I have no intention of entering politics any more._

12:39 Really? But you said you might be able to do some good.

_12:41 I've been talking to someone in Chantry legal aid they could use someone in my line of study when I pass the exams. Not glamorous but I would be able to do some real tangible good._

12:42 That is...

12:44 Interesting.

_12:45 About what I was expecting._

  
  


 

He only remembered he hadn't locked his outside door when it was kicked open with a resounding thud, and he rolled his eyes and turned back to his phone. What he should be doing, of course, was studying, but the remnants of a hangover and his own muddled mind was making it difficult.

Solas was well aware he was hovering on the edge of brooding, but he thought he had earned it by now.

" _Fe-en_ , we need a _ride_." Andruil demanded, and suddenly the remnants of a headache became a full blown throb once more.

"Then perhaps you shouldn't have totaled your car, Andruil." He replied dismissively, wincing slightly at the crash of his shelf being kicked, the clatter of CDs hitting the floor pulling him to his feet. "If you have damaged anything, you will regret it."

"Stop being a stupid _bitch_." His cousin replied spitefully, voice starting to scale up from venom to whine. "I'm bored and everything is stupid and I just want to go out with my girlfriend, why are you being so _mee_ ean?!"

Taking a moment, he took a deep breath, forcing back the instinctual sarcastic retort. No. If he was going to start trying, he might as well start now. If for no other reason than to prove to himself that he could. He had not gotten this far in life by being defeated by his own impulses. They could be controlled.

"I am not being mean, I need to start opening my books for next term." He replied dismissively, wandering out and stifling a roll of his eyes at her splayed, martyred position across his bed. "Please leave."

She cracked open an eye, staring at him suspiciously from between strands of bright red hair. Somehow it had gotten even more unnatural looking, which he hadn't thought possible. He wondered if she dyed it to avoid looking too much like Sylaise. The pair had gone from fighting incessantly to ignoring one another, at least. Shaking his head, he turned to go clean up the mess she'd made. He didn't trust her to clean it up herself, or he would have made her.

"What, that's it?" She asked, and then scoffed when he shrugged his shoulders. "Well, fine, fuck you too, then!"

"I never said fuck you." He reminded her absently as she stormed back out again, slamming his door so hard that three more discs fell off the shelf.

With a sigh, he crouched down to clean them up, musing over it. That had been...surprisingly easy, actually. Usually there was a lot more screeching, especially from Andruil. Was it really that easy to just...not engage? Interesting. Perhaps it was time to do some experimentation.

Lunch seemed like an excellent place to start.

  
  


 

"And then...I was talking to our financial planner, and June was saying...what were you saying?"

"I don't know, dear." June replied absently as he stared at his phone and cut into his chicken, garnering an exasperated sigh from his wife.

" _June_ was saying that if we buy a property that needs some fixing up, we'll save some money." Sylaise continued, stabbing another piece of lettuce with vicious accuracy. "Which, of course, on top of being ridiculous, begs the question of how much time and money we would waste trying to find a half-decent contractor. Those people are always trying to milk the last drop they can."

"I could fix it up." June pointed out, voice little more than a gravel. "If you weren't so damn stubborn."

"Yes, grubbing around in the dirt, that's a wonderful idea." Sylaise retorted, voice brittle and sharp. "Why don't we just find you a nice janitorial job while we are at it? I'm sure the whole family would be _delighted_."

"Renovating houses is hardly on the same level as janitorial work. It is actually a quite common hobby." Solas pointed out, not minding the glare it garnered him. "It..."

"It's called house flipping, and it's _totally_ a thing right now." Andruil interrupted from down the table, sullen tones brightening to something more enthusiastic, "Oh my whatever. You could totally have your own tv show! They are like... _super_ popular right now. I could help you, there's always someone with a really good eye for stuff or whatever who does the decorating."

"Wow. Wow, okay I am sitting...right here? You didn't even...think about me? You know I'm an artist, I can't believe you would be so...parsimonious? It's like you don't even think about me at all." Ghilan'nain declared, and peace was restored at the head of the table as Solas and Sylaise shared a collective eyeroll. At least they could agree on something.

"That word doesn't mean what you think it means." He muttered under his breath too low for her to hear, and heard Sylaise stifle a laugh.

Andruil's new girlfriend was incredibly irritating. Which, sadly, meant she fit right in.

As the pair bickered about hypothetical television shows, Sylaise sighed and reached for her glass of wine, tossing it back. He shared the sentiment, but his head was telling him not to follow suit again. He couldn't remember Sylaise drinking so much before. There was a time she'd eschewed it completely, if he recalled, and to see her without a drink in her hand now was a rarity.

"Sometimes it's near impossible to believe Andruil is the same age as..." He started, and then stalled, staring at his plate.

 _Ellana,_ his mind supplied when he stopped it from leaving his lips, and he grimaced, dropping his fork.

He wasn't sure when these frequent surges of regret would stop happening, but they came far too frequently for his liking. The intensity of them as well, remained very uncomfortable. A guilt compounded by the fact that he had been an utter drunken ass last night, and she had utterly destroyed him with a rant that he hadn't been able to convince his sober self to look at again.

All he remembered was a very intensely embarrassing bout of misery before he passed out.

"Suddenly not feeling terribly hungry." He decided, ignoring the sick sensation in the pit of his stomach. "I should likely get some work done."

"Ugh, you're so fucking _bor_ ing!" Andruil sniped, apparently deciding he was a more appealing target than her girlfriend, who was sullenly picking apart her sandwich with her hands for no discernible reason. "I can't believe you won't drive us. You're so _selfish_. We get it, you think you're smarter than us, shut the fuck up."

The retort came to his mind a split second before he said it, the first syllable dying on his tongue. It was incredible how easy it was, and that was the part that disturbed him most of all.

_Yes, well, not all of us can be moronic and incompetent, I wouldn't want to infringe on your territory._

It sat there, demanding to be said for a few moments, and he ignored it as he reached for his water and took a long drink. He was well aware of the eyes on him, all the nastiness hanging in the air that was worse than mere tension. It had years of anger, vitriol, and willing participation behind it.

Momentum.

And then, just for a moment, he could feel it pulling at him, the habit that was almost like an addiction. He had to say something, or else he would be letting her win. And he had to win, because she was...she was what? Lower than him?

The fact that he thought it was true was what finally pushed the compulsion to snap back at her away.

It was true. Andruil at the very bottom. It was why she was so angry all the time, wasn't it? Trying to claw her way up by pulling other people down. It was why he was always fighting with Falon'din. He'd somehow pulled ahead of him and they were constantly trying drag each other back.

And he'd been a part of it.

"You are right, I am rather boring, but I am under quite a bit of pressure at school." He finally decided, shaking his head, trying to push away the fragments of impulses that told him this was a 'weak' way to react. When had he become so obsessed with the word? "I can call you a car service."

"I can call it myself, stupid." Andruil replied, though it sounded more confused than nasty.

"Excellent." He said, rising to his feet and tossing down his napkin, amused with leaving her off balance. "Have a wonderful time. Excuse me."

Still feeling the puzzled stares on the back of his head, he turned and left the dining room at a casual walk. He had done it, after all. It wasn't so difficult, and it confused them utterly, a victory he could enjoy without having to lower himself...

_To their level._

In that acknowledgment, his spiteful amusement and pleasure disappeared, and unease replaced it.

That was the sensation he was trying to avoid, not encourage. Was this just another form of attack? He had been so proud of himself, just a moment, and now the victory was hollow. The nausea returned as he headed out to the main staircase, lost in thought.

Was he really just a bad person, after all?  
  


  
  


**Vel Sulan**

 

04:21 Well. We all knew it wasn't going to work.

04:22 I got a very terse email this morning.

04:22 There will be no inquiry.

04:24 At least we tried.

04:25 I guess.

_04:25 I'm so sorry Velanna_

04:25 It's not your fault.

04:26 Even if I wanted to be pissed at you, which I am, I still have to admit that it's not your fault. I know you don't take it seriously.

04:26 I know you don't really care, but, you didn't actually do anything. If they were going to punish someone for the crime of being honest, I suppose I'd be the one to blame.

04:26 It's not your fault. I can be angry and still admit that.

04:26 None of my professors will even answer me. Bastards.

_04:27 Maybe my guilty brain will believe that some time IDK... ok so what do we do now?? how do we fix this??_

04:31 I want to say that we keep fighting, because every other answer sounds wrong, but succeeding despite them might be the only revenge I can get. It's wrong and unfair and horrible and I am furious over it, but it seems that family breeds injustice.

04:32 All I can think of to do right now is to make myself above reproach, but it seems that with people like these, my mere existence might make that impossible. All we can hope is that they stop at threats.

04:33 It makes perfect sense that he would hate this program. I'm surprised he let it get off of the ground. Maybe just so we would fail and no one would try again. They think they own Haine, you know. They think they own the school. That us being there somehow lowers the quality of their own degrees.

04:35 That is what it's about in the end. Not the protesting, but our existence sullying their lives. Us sitting on land they could have, us in their schools.

04:36 Anyways I know you don't care, but...

_04:40 I do care :/ Just not in the ways everyone wants me to I guess_

_04:41 I don't even think I want to be First tbh_

04:46 Well, yes, that's pretty obvious. That doesn't mean you can't find a way to help, though. You really should talk to Deshanna over the break. You should maintain your scholarship anyways.

_04:49 I'm surprised you don't hate me by now Vel_

04:51 Ellie, come on. I know I've been a tense, stressed bitch lately, but I've known you since we were like eight. I know we've never been friends, but we're not enemies. I'm sorry. I know I can be so abrasive, and this hasn't helped.

_04:55 No I'm sorry too I've been so wrapped up in...IDK having no responsibility for the first time in forever I guess?? I've let a lot of shit go_

04:55 Yes. Well. We're okay. I'm not okay with your ex boytoy, but I'm okay with you.

_04:56 You're not alone :/ he texted me last night drunk asking how he could fix it_

04:59 Creators. What an ass. Just ignore it, Ellie.

_05:03 I feel like crap that I miss him_

05:05 I would too. After the things he said to you? Ignore him.

_05:06 Right :/ gtg dinner_

05:08 Say hi to your sister and mom for me.

_05:10 LOL oh I am going to say things to my mom you just wait -.- hi is gonna be the least of it_

05:11 ???

  
  


 

  
"Mom, get off of me." Ellie demanded for maybe like the third time, the shoulder of her t-shirt throughly soaked through by the flood of tears. "Mom. Seriously. Mom, it's not that big of a deal."

"I can't believe..." Her mother sobbed against her shoulder, thin arms flung around her upper arms, pinning them to her sides. "That my own daughter...my own daughter thinks I'm a bad mother. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to make you hate me _so much_?"

Refusing to rise to the bait, Ellie rolled her eyes to the ceiling of the caravan and took in a deep breath, counting in her head. After five, she let out the breath, and forced her arms up to break the weak grip, hugging her mom back. Just for a minute, because she'd already gotten way too filled up on her hugging quota.

"Knock that off. We've had this talk before, mom, if you freak out every time I bring something up, we can't ever figure anything out, okay?" She demanded, reaching up her hands and pushing mom back, staring down into her face. "Honestly. Just leave Mira alone about this stuff, stop pushing your crap on her. She's just a kid. You know you can call me if you're upset. Are you doing what Doctor McMorran told you to?"

"He's so _fussy_." Mom insisted irritably, wiping her eyes as Ellie let go of her and stepped back. "Every time I go in, he's fussing at me. It's barely worth going any more, I'm obviously not getting any better."

"Well, yeah, you're not eating enough." Ellie replied, already feeling a hint of exhaustion as she turned back for the cutting board, shaking her head. "I'm gonna make a bunch of meals to freeze once I go back, and I wrote you all those recipes, remember? You can't just pick at chips and call it a meal, mom. You're all skin and bones."

"I'm just so tired all the time, Ellana." Mom replied, leaning against the counter with a long-suffering sigh. "Just so tired. It's easy for you, you have all that young person energy, but I'm just worn out."

"Okay, so, we'll look into the nursing service again." Ellie replied, already knowing the answer by rote enough to anticipate it, chopping into the pepper a bit more viciously than necessary. "You're going to need to start taking care of things when Mac moves out. I mean it, mom. I _mean_ it. You have to start stepping up and handling things, I can't be here, and Mira's too young."

"Ellana Mae, don't you take that tone of voice with me. It's hardly my fault that your stepfather is abandoning us when I am on death's doorstep." Mom snapped, and Ellie rolled her eyes, biting back a sharp retort. "You know how hard I try. I'm a little bit ill, not some sort of elderly cripple."

Dying to a little ill? Sure, mom. For a moment humor warred with exhausted exasperation, until the latter won out.

"Holy crap mom, you can't say things like that! Seriously? Cripple?" Ellie sighed, shaking her head as she dumped the pepper into the waiting pot. "Jeez, at least pretend you know what decade it is, would you? Okay, so, is Aunt Patty going to start coming out, then? Because I swear, if I come back on break and Mira tells me that she's been having to cook and pick up after you, I am going to lose it."

"You insisted on it, when you were her age, you know. Always so independent, my little girl."

Because it was either that or eat peanut butter sandwiches for the third night in a row, she wanted to snap back, but didn't bother. It wouldn't do any good, it would just cause more tears, and she was sick of them. At least she'd gotten her point across about the boy talk stuff, hopefully the rest would sink in eventually.

Ugh, crying. She got so tired of being manipulated by tears, but at least by now the panic didn't happen any more. She just got tired. Unless it was her sister crying, of course.

"Well, Mira isn't me. So I mean it, things have to pick up." She insisted, stirring the pot and then turning to the fridge, pulling the onions she'd been chilling in the freezer out. Chopping off the ends and peeling them, she continued speaking. "Mamae, I know you hate this stuff, so all you gotta do is listen and it'll be over, okay?"

"You are so stubborn." Mom sighed dramatically, reaching up a hand to rub her forehead in circles, skin wrinkling under her fingers. "Sometimes I wonder how I raised a daughter like you."

The temptation to tell her that she hadn't was pretty damn strong, but Ellie resisted, deftly chopping onions as quickly as she could before they warmed up. Ugh, onions always made her cry like crazy if she wasn't careful, and she'd done enough of that shit lately.

"I don't know, mamae. I'll talk to Keeper? Some people in the clan can help out?" She suggested, already knowing the answer.

"Ellie...Ellie, people will _talk._ People will think I can't take care of my own family. How would that look?" Her mother sighed, Ellie mouthing along the words discreetly. Apparently not discreetly enough. "Ellana!"

"Sorry, mamae, but you've used that excuse too many times. And you're the one that does all the talking." She replied tartly, continuing talking before the sharp reply came. "I just wish you would listen to me a little."

"Yes, well..." Mom replied distractedly, before abruptly asking, "Did your grades come in, Ellana?"

Before she'd left school, but honestly, she'd been avoiding bringing it up at all. It was hard, when everything she shared would just be used as attention fodder. She didn't blame mom, she'd never blamed mom, honestly. It was just how she was, she liked sharing and talking to people, but...it made Ellie feel like a thing, and not a person.

"Yeah, mom." She replied reluctantly, stirring the pot as it hissed, avoiding the onion fumes. Ugh. "I'm standing at...a three point nine? It's really not a big deal, all my classes are super easy, and..."

The stunned silence annoyed her, just a bit. She'd kept a four point oh all throughout her senior year, was it really that shocking? Okay, before then her grades had been crap, but dammit, it wasn't like she was stupid! She just...hadn't cared. And maybe she still didn't care, and maybe she'd spent the whole term fucking up and fucking around, but she damn well did her work.

She was getting more and more annoyed, and mom's words finally sealed the deal.

"I need to call Nehna, dear." Mom replied, abruptly turning and leaving the counter, leaving Ellie alone and scowling.

"Sure, mom." She muttered under her breath, irritated and irritable. "No, thanks, I agree. It's great. I worked really hard. I'm glad you're happy. Please, tell other people you're proud of me, instead of telling me yourself."

The spite helped the sting ease a little, until she could remind herself that mom _was_ proud of her. She was, she just didn't think sometimes. Her way of showing it was just to brag, that was all, and didn't have anything to...

She didn't realize she was mangling the chicken until the front door slammed and she glanced down at the cutting board, blinking a bit at the mess she'd made of it. Peeking over her shoulder, she forced a smile for Mira, who returned it, beaming from a filthy mess of a face.

"Oh bug. Were you digging in the dirt again?" She asked exasperatedly, and then laughed at the shrug. "Well, go shower before dinner."

"We caught like ten frogs down at the lake!" Mira informed her, grinning widely when she laughed. "Ellie, when you're Keeper, can I be your First?"

The laugh died, abruptly, and she couldn't help the flick of her eyes to her sister's ears. Missing the pointy bits, of course, but it's not like that mattered. At least, it shouldn't matter. And they wouldn't. Ellie would fight anyone who thought differently.

A lot of things that shouldn't matter seemed to be way too important to people.

It was irritating how a random stray thought would trace its way back to Solas.

"Of course, bug." She replied, managing a smile that felt genuine, even if her eyes were a little watery. "Go wash up, and then you can help me finish dinner."

She managed to keep the smile until Mira slammed the bathroom door.

 


	22. Chapter 22

Re-reading the texts had been a mistake.

On one hand, he was grateful that he had, because he did want to know exactly what was on her mind, not some hazy recollection of it. On the other, now he was absolutely miserable, on top of being incredibly sore. His shoulder had been worse day before yesterday after getting his tattoo finished, but unfortunately Falon'din had realized at lunch that it was bothering him, and had decided the solution was to slap him on the shoulder any time he could get behind him.

Solas was running out of patience.

Irritably wiping his eyes dry, he finally forced himself to turn off his phone, tossing it away from him towards the foot of the bed. Letting out a heavy breath, he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and rubbed away the sting of tears, inhaling slowly, shaking his head.

_What the hell is so important?_

He could almost hear the furious accusation despite it only being a text. The anger in it, the hurt and fury, and the strange vitriol towards his treatment of _himself_ was undeniable. He had a thousand answers for the question, but none of them seemed to be enough. None of them seemed valid when said out loud. And her metaphor...well, it cut a bit too close to home. When he had couched it to himself in terms of it being an immutable reality, it had felt so much clearer, so much easier.

Ellana was simply unsuitable. Not for him, of course not for him, but for his family.

For the person he had to be, had to become.

Which was apparently a person that no one seemed to care for. He was beginning to be one of them. What that meant was something that he was working on still. Self-hatred wasn't exactly a new sensation, but this form of it was distinctly more unpleasant than a little teenage angst. He had _hurt_ her.

A knock at his bedroom door drew his attention, and as always his door was tried immediately afterwards. No one in this family actually seemed to _understand_ the purpose of a knock. He heard a faint sigh, and then the sharp lilt of Sylaise's raised voice.

"Mother wants you to join us for a drink. It's Satinalia eve, let's try to pretend to be a family." She called through the door, already sounding on edge. " _Please_ , Fen."

"Very well, I will come rescue you from Mythal." He said, rising to his feet with a slight wince as he rolled his shoulder. "Just give me a moment."

He was in the process of pulling off his shirt to apply some of the bottle of whatever it was Nathaniel had given him when he heard the rather familiarly distinct sound of his lock being deftly picked. Rolling his eyes, he threw his shirt aside as Sylaise let herself in, ignoring the instinctive desire to hide the healing ink.

Why did he care if she knew? He was an adult.

Reaching for the bottle, he flipped the top as she closed the door. He could see her stare in the mirror behind him, raising an eyebrow as she crossed her arms. The twinset was blue today. He wondered if she owned anything else any more, it was almost like a uniform.

He had a feeling Mythal's...gentle encouragement had something to do with it. The word bullying had briefly crossed his mind, which he felt badly for. Mythal just wanted the best for them, she always had. She was just hard on Sylaise.

"Really?" She finally asked.

"The door was locked." He pointed out as he applied the ointment gingerly with his fingertips, adding under his breath, "Not that this stops anyone in this family."

"A little late for teenage rebellion, Fen. Mother's going to hate it, you know." Sylaise pointed out, tucking the pin she'd used to pick his lock back into her hair, sweeping her bangs to the side. "You should probably keep it covered up if you want to get through the next week intact. Are you coming to Antiva for the New Year, or are you going to Rivain with the kids?"

"Yes, I enjoy nothing more than spending my holidays with the twins, Andruil, and her girlfriend that tried to _grope_ me." He replied sarcastically, shaking his head at her faint cackle. "Along with whatever sort of poor girl Fal has harassed or bribed into dating him. If I have to hear 'my girlfriend' one more time, I may vomit."

"He didn't tell you?" Sylaise asked, both amused and shocked, and his eyes met hers in the mirror, narrowing slightly. "Oh, Fen. Probably counting on the look on your face when you find out. Well, I'm happy to ruin that for him. It's Vic."

"Victoria." He finished, stomach sinking. "You're not serious."

"Entirely serious. Her royal highness in the flesh. You know, Fen, it's got to be a little worrying that your ex girlfriend has such terrible taste."

"Yes, excellent, Sylaise, thank you." He muttered, mind already racing. That would make things even _more_ insufferable, if possible. "I assume it's some sort of ploy."

"That's a bit arrogant, isn't it?" Sylaise asked dryly, just a hint of a smile on her lips. "Not that I'm surprised."

"Arrogant to think that the former girlfriend who left me for, and I quote, 'not paying enough attention to her', is dating my cousin to prove a point? No, certainly not at all." He replied irritably, and then let out a long sigh, shaking it off. "Well, they deserve each other."

"She's coming to holiday dinner tomorrow."

Hands turning his shirt right side out by rote, he glanced back over to stare at her. She wasn't doing a very good job of hiding her smile.

"You could at least pretend you aren't enjoying my discomfort." He accused, and then sighed as she lifted her shoulders in a shrug, arms still folded. "I won't let it bother me. I hope they are very happy, and have a dozen horrible children."

Gingerly pulling on his shirt, he settled the collar and tucked it in before turning to join her. For a moment he considered getting his phone, but he couldn't stand it right now. He knew that likely meant something unflattering, but dealing with his family was difficult enough without dealing with that pain as well. Holidays would be over soon, and then he could start trying to think of a way to right this.

He had _hurt_ her. He didn't want her to hurt. Whatever things between them had been when first they met, she was Ellana now, fascinating and charming and terrifyingly sweet under all of the thorns. He couldn't stand the thought of her hurting because of him. There had to be a way to fix it.

Unfortunately, after re-reading the texts, and the last few days' uncomfortable revelations, he was beginning to feel as if staying out of her life might be the only way to avoid hurting her.

Selfishly, that wasn't something he wanted to think about.

  
  


  
  


He'd been silent for the last hour, nursing a single drink and pretending to care.

In actuality, he'd just been listening, trying to...divorce himself from the atmosphere. It was hard. It was comfortable to join in. Every retort, every snide comment, there was something he could have said. Even withholding his commentary was a weapon he could use, with the right word at last at the right time. He couldn't, though, the temptation could be resisted. Testing himself was what he was doing, and at times the desire to say something was so strong that it only frightened him all the more.

They all did it. Every single one of them.

Even Andruil's new girlfriend, who had been living here less than six months did it. Even Mythal. Of course, her barbs were generally rather accurate, and something he could easily agree with, but it still was the same cutting,vicious interplay that the whole household was steeped in. Watching each other for weaknesses, digging in. Every conversation, even something so simple as dinner plans couldn't go by without remarks to drag each other down in one way or another.

Was he really the only one who saw it?

It was starting to make him angry, actually. A veneer of manners laying over nasty remarks, slapping each other down with smiles, turning insults into compliments. The tension was overwhelming.

The facade was no longer necessary once Mythal departed for her office, and the overwhelming weight of her presence departed. He could almost see Falon'din straightening up, Sylaise relaxing. His uncle and June had long since gone to bed, leaving the six of them alone. Four, really, because Andruil and her girlfriend were...occupied on the couch in the corner of the room.

"Get a room." Sylaise finally demanded, harshly, signaling as she always did that the gloves had come off. It was the only way they could deal with the pressure, let it out when alone. "It's like watching a horror movie. Are you going to eat her face off?"

"Certainly not going to find a brain to devour." He agreed, and then internally reprimanded himself the instant it left his mouth, eyes half closing. With a sigh, he lifted a hand to his forehead and rubbed it.

No. He couldn't let himself get dragged in.

When he opened his eyes again, Sylaise was giving him a strange look, and he just shook his head.

"Wow, I thought you'd fuckin' forgot how to talk." Falon'din remarked snidely before Andruil could do more than give a squawk of offense. "Figured you'd have a lot to fuckin' say, actually."

"No, I really don't." He replied, well aware of Dirthamen's silent stare fixed on him, the narrow black-ringed eyes watching and waiting. He really wasn't feeling like a fight, especially two-on-one. "In fact, I think I might go to bed. Excuse me."

"No? Nothing to say?" Falon'din repeated, getting to his feet when he did. He could feel the nervous energy coming off of him, confrontational and aggressive. "That's not the little bitch I know. Not offended that I think your stupid school is bullshit?"

"Your father's school? No, I don't." He replied mildly, setting his drink aside on the nearest end table. Reaching over, Sylaise reprovingly picked up a coaster and slid it under. "I just want to get some sleep."

"How's it feel knowing your girlfriend left you for me?" The question came as he'd halfway turned around, and he couldn't help the faint scoff. "Yeah, that's right."

"If you're talking about Victoria, she and I broke up in the spring, Falon'din. She hardly left me for _you_." He replied, pausing in place, already feeling a small part of his brain cursing him for stopping. Frustration, anger, and sheer loathing for this entire situation swallowed the sensible part rather quickly. "I'm not certain what you're trying to prove, but I assure you, all you are doing is making a fool of yourself."

He wasn't going to escalate, at least. He wasn't going to let it escalate. He could tell from Falon'din's expression that his reaction wasn't nearly as intense as he'd been hoping. He tried to push back the sensation of victory that gave him, but it was hard with adrenaline rising.

"I guess he's just going to have to get used to dealing with your leftovers." Sylaise offered, quite happy to push things along. "It is getting a little sad, Falon'din."

_Shit._

"Yeah?" Falon'din replied belligerently, raising his voice. "Or maybe he's just pissed that he can't have her back! She _left_ his loser ass."

"That is true. And I've moved on." He replied, feeling his patience starting to stretch a little. "Well done."

"You're such a fucking bitch!" This time it was Andruil, of course, egging things on from the background. "What the fuck is wrong with you lately, Fen?"

"Shut the fuck up, Andruil! I don't need you to stick your fucking nose in!" Falon'din shouted over his shoulder.

Good. They could snipe at each other. Relief rose as he let out a sigh and started to turn away, giving a small shake of his head. He was almost grateful for Andruil, for the first time in his life. He really didn't know how much more he could take. Tomorrow would be even worse, he had a feeling.

"It's really fuckin' sad you can't get a real woman, Fen. Gotta start fuckin' around with Dalish skanks, huh?" Falon'din asked, ignoring Andruil's irritable whining in the background. "Little coffee shop bitch is kinda cute, I guess, if you wrap it pretty good, huh? Maybe I'll take a second and hit it myself. Not like it'll be hard to get her begging."  
  


Right.

_Well._

That was that, he supposed.  
  


If he'd been a wiser man, he would have realized that reacting would only make Falon'din see that it was a sore spot worth prodding at. Unfortunately, he was done, and his mouth had left his mind behind the instant he had dared to talk that way about Ellana.

"Don't you speak about her like that." He heard himself saying distantly, hard and flat. "Stop or you will regret it."

"If you're gonna run around with sluts, you shouldn't be fuckin' surprised when they dick around on you, man."

He could feel it, the single second after Falon'din went silent.

The moment his patience snapped.

Frustration, anger, self-loathing, misery, it all spilled over him at once, helped along by adrenaline and alcohol. Too much for his brain to handle, it buried him until a single sensation won, and rose to the surface. Rage.

Overwhelming, furious rage, fiery and demanding.

When he rounded on his smirking cousin, it wasn't only Falon'din that wasn't expecting it, but Solas himself. They never got physical. It wasn't allowed, Mythal wouldn't allow it. Some shoving, the occasional shoulder punch or a discreet hit to the ribs, but not actual fighting. It wasn't _allowed_.

He didn't care.

A hand twisted into the front of Falon'din's shirt dragged him in to meet the fist, the impact vibrating up his arm, making his shoulder ache more than it already did. He could feel it in his knuckles, the impact against his cousin's nose, into his cheek. The throb quickly became numb, the satisfying impact feeling like more than victory. Catharsis.

He was sick of this whole damn family.

Falon'din went down as he released him, the room silent as he stepped back, shaking his hand as pain and sensation returned to his fingers. Blood on the rug, blood on his hand, on his cousin's hand as he grabbed his face, and he didn't care.

_Good._

"What else do you have to say?" He asked, snapping the words slowly, one by one into the stunned silence. "I'm listening."

Slowly Fal rose, hand cupped over his nose, blood dripping down his chin. Their eyes met, and if he was expecting fear or confusion, he would have been completely wrong. Falon'din was _pissed_.

He was bracing himself for an attack when his arms were abruptly grabbed from behind, stalling his forward momentum. Dirthamen didn't have much of a grip, but it was enough to give Falon'din an opening. There was a crash as he shook Dirthamen off and shoved him away, a side table toppled over, spilling half of a whiskey across the floor.

He wasn't a problem, just an irritating distraction.

Falon'din was worse, his mind reminded him as he took a hit to the shoulder, grimacing as he staggered back, nearly tripping over Dirthamen as he tried to scramble to his feet. One to his back, one to his front, he was reminded, yet again, why underestimating Dirthamen was never a good idea. He might have been wiry, but four years of hockey was enough to turn anyone into a dirty fighter.

When his shirt was jerked over his head from behind, he barely had time to mentally curse himself for not keeping him down. The hit to his ribs from the front nearly knocked the wind out of him, but he was lucky when a blind shove sent Falon'din staggering back.

It hurt to straighten up, he could barely breathe, but he wasn't going to let him win, not with his blood still boiling. Anger at his cousins, anger at the whole damn household, at life, at himself most of all, he was running on pure white-hot fury, and he was done with it all.

Struggling out of his shirt, he threw it at Falon'din, finally managing to straighten up. It only gave him a second, but it was all he needed to turn around and shove Dirthamen back again, sending him tripping over the fallen table to land with a heavy thud.

"Leave my brother the fuck alone!" Falon'din bellowed, grabbing him by the shoulder and digging in, raw skin aching under the assault, a sharp sting to contrast with the deep throb of his ribs and fist.

Spun around, he had no time to bring his hands up again. Instead, probably in retaliation, a fist cracked into his face, and he could feel the instant it impacted against his nose. Sickening that, the sensation as shock took over, leaving only the disturbing 'crunch'. He staggered back, hand lifting, and Falon'din did the same, weaving a bit in place.

They were both breathing heavily, and the silence in the room was palpable, audience watching while holding their breaths.

Blood dripping down his nose, the sharp pain swallowed by adrenaline, he lifted a hand and swiped across his mouth with the back of his hand. Hot anger was gone, and ice cold rage remained behind, the sneer on Falon'din's bloody face fading slowly as they stared each other down.

"So I suppose...at this point...the question is if you back down, Fal, or if you are willing to double down?" He heard himself asking distantly, hard and calm. "It isn't quite so easy now that I can fight back, is it?"

"I will fucking wreck you." Falon'din replied, voice sounding a bit muffled, eyes a little hazy. "And then, I'll fucking wreck your..."

Finally starting to feel more than just disorientation, he somehow caught the front of Falon'din's shirt as he surged forward again, twisting it in his hand and dragging him in. His cousin's shoulder hit his chest hard enough to knock him back, but not enough to floor him, though his head was starting to spin. He was in the process of bringing his fist up again as Falon'din staggered back when a sharp, icy voice cut through the fog in his furious brain and the ringing in his ears.

"Stop that right _NOW_ you little hooligans! You're bleeding all over my rug!"

He froze, instantly, and Falon'din did as well, well-honed guilt far too deeply ingrained to fight. Glaring at them both, Mythal strode back into the room, staring at them in disgust, attention shifting from them to the toppled furniture. As her gaze dragged back towards them, they both shrank instinctively under the frigid disapproval, she lifted her martini and took a slow, deliberate sip.

Those few seconds of silence as she lowered the glass again were tense, like they were nothing but scavengers being faced down by an apex predator.

"Someone get these brainless thugs out of my home and to the emergency room." She ordered cooly, and then shook her head, eyes meeting Solas', nearly making him flinch. "I expected better out of _you_."

As she swept out of the room, he resisted the urge to sit collapse on the floor, the draining of adrenaline making him sag. When Sylaise came and grabbed him by the arm he didn't resist, trailing along after her and carefully lifting a hand to prod his nose. Wincing, he carefully poked it again, stopping when she smacked his hand.

"It's broken. Don't play with it." She ordered him, and then lifted her voice. "Dirthamen, drive your brother. Putting these idiots in a car together is a terrible idea."

"Whatever." Dirthamen replied, disgust dripping from the single word.

Relief at leaving the pair of them behind made him tractable enough to keep following, though he was oddly annoyed with Sylaise for sniping at him. Had she not seen that wasn't even remotely his fault? Certainly he started it, but he had ample cause. She was being unreasonable.

They were all unreasonable, and his face hurt.

"I am fine, stop scolding me, Sylaise." He muttered as she dragged him through the rooms to the foyer, wiping blood from under his nose again, and then sniffing. "I am not leaving the house without a shirt, it is the middle of winter."

"We'll get your coat. Better not to try and pull something over your head." She replied briskly, reminding him all over again of being small and being bossed around by her. "Getting tattoos and picking fights? What has gotten into you, Fen?"

"I am just feeling...fed up." He replied at last, after a moment's woozy contemplation, sagging a little as she briefly let go of him. "I suppose every man has their limit."

He watched her depart through an archway, light shining off of her hair. For just a moment, he considered telling her how much she looked like Mythal. And then he realized that it would probably get him more than what was starting to feel like a very mangled nose.

"You certainly picked a _wonderful_ time for it." Sylaise sighed, reappearing from the walk-in closet, shoving his coat at him and then dragging him out into the cold. "Happy Satinalia, Fen."

"Happy Satinalia, Sylaise." He replied, turning his gaze skyward. The stars were rather nice tonight. Sort of...hazy and indistinct, but nice. "Sylaise?"

"What?" She asked, sounding surprisingly relaxed.

"Do you ever feel as if...it might just be better to burn everything down and walk away with nothing?" He asked, not quite sure why he had. The cold helped his head a little, but it only made him all too aware of the pain that was getting sharper by the moment, a deep, hot throb. His nose felt enormous. "Burn it all down and start over."

"Why do you think I drink?" She replied dryly, not sounding the least bit surprised by his turn in conversation. "We're not made for the real world, Fen. We wouldn't last a day."

He considered that as they headed down the walk, but eventually had to abandon it. He wasn't feeling quite up to deciphering it at the moment. At least his shoulder didn't hurt any more, which was something. On the other hand, his face...

Solas was well aware that he was supposed to be having a crisis of conscience right about now, but it was quite difficult to do so.

That had felt incredible.

Hopefully he had given as good as he'd gotten.

"Did I break his nose?"

"Oh my yes. You did." She replied, not bothering to hide a nasty little smile as she opened the door of her car for him, shaking her head. "I will be enjoying the memory for a very long time."

"I believe I am supposed to feel bad about that, but I cannot remember why." He mused, obediently flopping on the seat as she shoved at him, coat draped across his knees. "Being here seems to muddle my head."

She slammed the door and walked around the car, and outside he could hear her vaguely snapping at Dirthamen before opening the driver's side door and sliding in herself. She settled herself and jammed the key into the ignition. The car rumbled to life, and she spoke again, leaning over in the dark.

"Ignorance is bliss, little brother." Sylaise said, reaching for the glove compartment, flipping it open and picking out a packet of cigarettes. "Ignorance is bliss."

She palmed the compartment closed and started up the car, free hand idly tapping the packet against her thigh. Once the engine was idling, she dragged one out, shaking out a lighter as well. He couldn't remember if he knew she smoked.

"You haven't called me that in years." Solas muttered, leaning back to try and shake away the dizziness as she started pulling out into the drive, unlit cigarette dangling between her lips, the end stained pink by her lipstick.

"I haven't given a shit about you in years." Sylaise replied absently, propping the wheel with her knees as they waited for the front gate, lighting up. "Then again, I don't give a shit about much any more."

He wasn't sure what to say about that, and so he just tilted his head back and stared out of the window.

Falon'din's oversized SUV growled to life somewhere behind them, breaking the quiet of the winter night. The acrid smell of smoke filled the car, but he could only taste it on the back of his tongue, not smell it. Obviously. His nose felt about five sizes too large, and the insistent throb was making his stomach uneasy. His ribs weren't feeling too great, either, but he was pretty sure that was just bruising.

"I'm thinking about starting a blog." Sylaise said under her breath, a wash of icy air making him all too aware he hadn't put on his coat yet as she cracked the window. "Something to keep me busy."

"Or you could get a job." He suggested tiredly, before his brain could inform him that was a terrible idea.

It took three blocks before she stopped laughing.

When she did at last, silence filled the car, which he was grateful for. He was fairly certain he wasn't supposed to close his eyes, so he kept them open, but he was tired. Exhausted, in a way that didn't have much to do with sleep. If only he could just pack up and leave.

The sense of victory was fading, and it was leaving him with that now-familiar sickening sensation that told him he'd screwed up again. He was pretty sure the nausea wasn't just from the pain any more. It'd felt so good at the time, but he'd gone in the complete opposite direction of where he was supposed to go, hadn't he? How was he supposed to navigate this, when every direction was the wrong one? Why was it so easy for everyone else to tell the difference between right and wrong? It seemed like all he saw was rights that turned out to be wrong in the end.

"So who's the girl?" Sylaise finally asked, voice a little raspy. "Seems like a bit of a sore spot."

"Someone I don't deserve." He murmured quietly, leaning forward to try and pull his coat on at last.

He was grateful when she didn't reply.

 


	23. Chapter 23

It was dark out pretty early, but even so Ellie had gotten a late start. It was about ten thirty when she parked mom's car outside of the highschool, under one of the lights. It might be her hometown, but that didn't mean she was gonna be stupid about it. Bathed in the bright halo of pale yellow-white, she stepped out, regretting the lack of snow again this year. It sucked, but it only seemed to snow like once every three years or something, anyways.

Maybe there'd be snow when she got back to school.

Shoving her hands in the pockets of her coat, she started trudging across the small parking lot, eyes fixed on the sky overhead. Even with the lot lights, she could still see the stars. She'd missed them, it was nice to be away from all the light pollution and noise, even if ironically, she already missed that too.

"Well, I'll just have to live in both places one day." She decided out loud, wandering up to the darkened front entrance to the school.

Not that she'd break in, of course, but she did take a moment to peer through the glass doors, just for a second's nostalgic peek down the hallway, flanked by trophy cases she could barely see. It wasn't much of a view, but that really wasn't why she was here. Turning, she started wandering along the brick wall down the sidewalk, wrinkling her nose as a breeze chilled it.

It hadn't even been a year, but already it felt so nostalgic and faraway. Maybe because she was far away, not making any new memories of the area to keep it current. Who really knew? Brains were weird. Rounding the corner of the school, she headed down the alley between it and the gym. She wasn't sure what she expected to find, but unfortunately, all she saw were bricks, far cleaner than they should be.

They'd removed all the graffiti.

Still, she stopped at the place where it'd been, leaning against the opposite wall and staring across the way. It hadn't been anything special, just a really sad little attempt at a skull and a heart surrounded by all their initials, but they'd been fifteen and it'd seemed like the coolest thing ever. Back when a simple plus sign between two letters could be a whole relationship, only to get scribbled out three weeks later. It'd been like a record of their lives, people getting scribbled out, added back in, romances made and broken, friendships gone to hell and back.

She'd had her fair share of short, stupid romances, even if she never saw the signs of someone being interested until they were shoved in her face.

She'd never been good at them. First sign of a wave and she was jumping ship, but...that wasn't what'd happened this time. She'd been right to say no, everyone said she'd been right, and that should be enough, shouldn't it? If so, why did it feel like she'd given up on him when he needed her?

Why did it still hurt?

It'd hurt before, other breakups, sharp and fast and furious. A few tears alone and then the inevitable guilt for crying, because crying was for manipulating people. They would hurt like a needle prick, shock and agony and then not much of anything after a little while. This hurt a whole lot worse, deep and sometimes nausea-inducing, the kind of thing she couldn't just numb herself to and move on.

Maybe it was because she'd hoped so much he was better, could do better, and in the end he'd let her down. Maybe it was because she let herself down. If that was the case, why was she still so worried about him? Why did she wonder how he was doing, if he was feeling okay?

He'd treated her like shit, and he didn't understand, but all she could do was hope he was happy, and...

_Because you love him, idiot. Probably._

Blankly, she stared at the wall, mind slowly processing that irritating bit of information dredged up from the back of her mind. Really? Was that really true?

_Damn it._

Well, even if it was, it didn't change anything. It'd go away eventually, even if she really was stupid enough to fall for someone with his head that far up his ass. It didn't precisely feel like some big sort of revelation, or something that made her feel any more interested in talking to him. It just...was. One more thing that made this all suck a little bit more.

She'd never been in love before, so if this was it, it about felt like she'd expected. Pain.

Too bad love wasn't a good enough excuse for about anything, as far as she was concerned. It never was. People used it like it was, but that was just stupid. Love wasn't an excuse, and it sure didn't fix anything, it just made everything worse.

But... _fuck_ , did she ever miss him.

With a sigh, she eventually pushed away from the wall and continued on her way, heading out of the alley the opposite way she'd came. Time for a wander.

  
  


 

Main was quiet, apart from the two bars, people clustered outside smoking and chatting. She kept her hood up and her head down and no one bothered her, though she saw a few old friends through a window, clustered at a table. Home for the holidays, if she had to guess. No one really stayed here after highschool unless they were already settled with a job.

Eventually everyone always came home, though. It was just the way life was.

She didn't really know where she was going, honestly. Just a nostalgia wander. Fairy lights overhead, twisting around street lights, lighting up the Satinalia banners hanging from them. It was pretty, dark enough to hide that it was all a little dingy. No clean white holidays here, just lots of cold rain. Her meandering took her past the drug store that used to sell them cigarettes even though they weren't supposed to, and then by the corner grocery store mom always complained was more expensive than going to the nearest bigger town. The kitsch shops, the weird little antique place no one knew how it stayed in business, the clan council office.

Her feet stalled on the mosaic-inlaid sidewalk, and she paused to stare in through the wide storefront-style windows.

A couple plain desks, lots of artwork on the walls, piles of paperwork in neat bins waiting to be filled out. That was her future, sitting right there.

She'd never wanted anything _less_ in her life.

And that was hardly fair. It was an important position, and an honor to be First, but...she just didn't want it. Deshanna had called her three times now, and she'd felt too crummy to pick up the phone. They should have been talking, meeting up. Going over things, discussing what'd happened in her absence. She should be looking through the records, sitting in on meetings, doing anything.

Acting like she cared.

It'd been stupid to fight for the job in the first place, stupid to use such an important position to prove something to her mom, and to herself. She'd say it'd been selfish, but it hadn't, really. She hadn't wanted it for herself, she'd wanted it for everyone else. Wanted to be something other than what she was for them.

It hadn't worked, which was completely not surprising. She'd have to talk to Deshanna tomorrow, suck it up and face it. Ellie had always been good at handling problems, she couldn't treat this one differently because it was embarrassing to admit she screwed up. She'd just tell Keeper that she didn't think she could do it, and then they'd work out what to do next together.

Her feet took her onwards, and she followed them blindly, eventually making their way towards the one gas station in the Lavellan township. Two bars, one gas station, and a whole lot of touristy shops. Wasn't that life in a small town, though? There'd been talk of getting one of the fast food chains into town, but it'd never worked out. The diner was nice enough, though. Good pancakes, anyways.

Maybe she should go there afterwards, get a coffee. It was hard to sleep lately.

The front door of the gas station chimed as she slipped through, feeling her nose heating up with the transition from chill to warm. She sniffed and rubbed at it, pausing mid-step as she glanced towards the counter. The guy behind it stared back at her, and suddenly?

Suddenly things were sort of awkward.

"Hey, Ellie." He finally greeted, after about ten seconds that felt like an eternity.

"Hi, Hunter. Sorry, I didn't know you were working here." She replied, turning away and heading for the candy aisle. Too late to avoid awkward, she might as well get gummy bears out of the deal. "I'll be out of here in a second."

"No, it's okay, I mean..." A pause, and he cleared his throat. "I'm...the sorry one. For being such an asshole, El. It wasn't your fault."

No, it hadn't been, but she'd given up caring that no one else thought so almost two years ago. She hadn't been dealing, hadn't even been doing that much. Maybe some pills once or twice, but...nothing worse than that. She'd just been along for the ride, mostly, just doing enough to get the thrill. It would have been nice if she'd said she was bullied into it, but she hadn't been. Just sick and tired of all the bullshit at home and looking for some way to make trouble.

Then she'd hooked up with him, and got dragged under. Ended up in the back of a cop car.

Hunter and his friends had gotten in a lot more trouble than her, she'd just gotten a slap on the wrist and ordered to make better friends. She'd had no idea the kind of stuff they had on them.

They'd never forgiven her, but it seemed like maybe now they had.

Ellie wasn't really interested, though.

"Yeah, I know it wasn't my fault." She replied at long last, picking out a packet of gummies and then heading for the fridge. "I always did, it was you that didn't, Hunter."

"Yeah...I know, I was just saying..." He started, and then stopped again, defensiveness fading as he forced a casual air into his speech. "I figured you'd come back lookin' like some sort of prep."

"Nope, still just me." She said dryly, pulling open the fridge and selecting a soda. After a pause, she got a strawberry one for Mira to have tomorrow. "Going to a school, not a cult, Hunter."

"Yeah..." He laughed, and then it trailed off awkwardly, reaching a hand up to scrub across his scalp, disordering his hair as he lowered his chin.

She remembered when she'd thought that was cute as hell.

"Yeah." Ellie said simply, flatly, turning for the counter and setting down her things. "Can you ring me up?"

"Sure. So...uh...there's a party tonight, if you want to go. It's already started, but I'm not off until midnight, so..." Hunter slurred huskily as he rang her out, and she tried not to look as irritated as she felt. Had he always talked like he had a mouth full of marbles? "It's at Bel's, her grandma is out of town for the holiday or something, so."

It took her a second to remember who that was, and then she stifled a disbelieving scoff.

"Isn't she a sophomore in highschool?"She asked with vague disbelief. "Seriously? You graduated three years ago!"

She shouldn't have said it, but she was just so...weirded out. Yeah, he'd been doing it when _she_ was in highschool, but that'd been a while ago. It was different, wasn't it? Except...maybe it wasn't. Maybe he was still the same as he had been, selling drugs and getting sixteen year old girls in trouble.

"A party's a party." He replied, snatching the money out of her hand a little more forcibly than necessary. "Sorry, I didn't know you were gonna get all bitchy about it."

Bitchy. Well, maybe she kind of was. Mostly mentally kicking her sixteen year old self in the ass right about now. Why had she thought he was cool again?

"Yeah. Right? Weird." She said sharply, grabbing the stuff off the counter and shoving it into her purse, feeling oddly agitated. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Hey, have fun at the party, Hunter."

He probably responded, but she was so oddly spooked that she just turned on a heel and booked it out of there, clutching the strap of her purse as she forged out into the night.

Brain going a mile a minute, she booked it up the sidewalk, heading back towards the school. Lost, and a little bit unnerved, she did the only thing she could do right now.

She went looking for a straight answer.

  
  


**Lyna Mahariel**

  
11:01 All right I need it lay it on me if you got a sec

_11:05 Told me not to, Lavellan. Remember what happened last time you asked?_

11:06 No I'm good I got gummy bears I'm tough

_11:08 You've been warned_

_11:08 Ask_

11:09 Am I really self destructive

11:09 Like do I really only date assholes because I'm trying to fuck something up

11:09 We've been friends since we were like in diapers and I know we're not around each other all the time cause different clans and we used to fight a lot but I know you are super smart at this stuff

11:10 So hit me doctor am I just fucking myself up

11:11 Am I setting myself up for failure over and over and should I just drop out of school now and get it over with??

_11:13 Okay. Big. Context? Left field_

11:13 I ran into hunter my ex, remember when I got arrested and I was freaking out and you were like well better get your ass in gear Lavellan and I did??? That hunter

11:14 And it made me think like is Solas just part of a pattern and if he is am I just fucking myself over and am I in over my head in like EVERY which way

11:16 And I don't belong there YOU belong there and Vel belongs there and everyone belongs there except me and I am too AFRAID to even think about WHAT I want because I'm just going to fail and get kicked out and everyone's going to hate me

11:16 And I don't even want to be first any more and I don't know what I want except I apparently don't hate him even though he's the worst and he treated me like shit and what is wrong with me??? You always know what you want you always have everything planned out and I don't know what to do

_11:18 First off, keep the grades and work hard, yes, you belong there. That's it. Only thing that matters. No, you don't have a plan, and yes, should be working on that, but you can start at any time_

_11:19 So start. That's it. Know you're good at it, know you can do that. Just shut the hell up about not deserving, sit down, figure it out. Just. Start._

_11:20 Secondly, haven't sabotaged it yet. Sitting around worrying you might ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop freaking the hell out_

_11:22 Thirdly, as far as the relationships go? I don't know, Lavellan, might be the case. Issues there that I, as a friend, have a duty to tell you...not touching with a damned ten foot pole. Just remember. This time you walked away._

_11:23 Made the choice, and walked away. If that's not progress, I don't know what is. He asked you said no._

11:23 Right :/

_11:23 Yes. The answer is yes_

_11:23 I do think you're self-destructive_

_11:24 Doesn't mean you're setting yourself up for failure. You can change, you're good at handling problems. Got a good start going on, didn't let that asshole screw it up for you. Almost did, but you walked away._

_11:25 For once in your life, Lavellan. For once in your life, fucking choose yourself, would you?_

_11:25 Can't save him, can't fix him, can't set yourself on fire because of it. Stay away from him._

11:28 Mom's getting a divorce finally I'm so worried about Mira

_11:30 Already set yourself on fire for your mom. You raised your sister. She promised she would do better now. Take care of yourself._

11:31 Right that's what I told myself but its hard what if she gets sick again

11:31 No your right your right I have to trust Mac I have to trust people I just wish I could fix it all

_11:33 You just need something to work for, Ellie. Like before. Stop focusing on fixing other people's problems and give yourself a goal_

11:35 Something to work for?

_11:36 Find yourself a reason to be at that school, and knowing you, it'll fall into place. That part, you've got to do yourself_

11:36 Right

11:37 Thanks Mahariel

11:37 Happy Satinalia sorry for bugging you tonight

_11:38 No prob, Happy Satinalia. Just watching movies with Tamlen, he says hi._

11:39 Hey Tamlen TTYS

_11:39 TTYS_   
  


 

It was hard not to wonder where Solas was, what he was doing, Ellie mused as she dropped her phone into her purse, resting her cheek on her knee as she pulled her feet up onto the park bench. Hard not to think about him in general, but even more so right now. Somehow in between the fighting and the fucking and the weird quasi-not a relationship they'd gotten tangled up together way more than she'd ever expected.  It sucked.   

Everything sucked, and she was in love with him even though he'd treated her like crap. Why?

Why couldn't he have been the nice guy after all, and not the asshole?

"Life's a bitch, and then you die." She muttered under her breath, squishing the head off of a gummy bear and then eating it.

Slowly working her way through the package, she stared at the night sky and second-guessed all of her life choices.

Wasn't that what holidays were for, after all?

  
  


 

 

"Well. Another Satinalia special, it seems."

Grateful to be seen to at last, Solas lifted his head to meet the friendly, if tired eyes of an older nurse. Her smile was an odd mixture of sympathy and reproof that made him vaguely ashamed of his state. When he dropped his gaze, she gave a faint 'tsk' under her breath, moving to the table someone had left next to his seat. He didn't care much for the hospital, but at least at the moment his senses were dulled enough not to mind the too-sharp lights and the scent of astringent.

Adrenaline was long gone, and he was just tired, sore, and ill, suffering from the vestiges of anger that would crop up wearily as a sort of self-recriminating frustration. The painkillers were working, but not quite enough to hide the throb of discomfort and the swollen sensation.

"My name is Wynne. I'm just going to get you cleaned up and take a look at you." She informed him briskly, a gloved hand tucking under his chin and lifting it. "Oh, well...looking a bit better than the other fellow."

His eyes met hers again, and she gave him a faint smile, shaking her head a little at the questioning look, peering at him over her glasses.

"Family resemblance. We see it often enough over the holidays. It should set well enough once straightened." She informed him, and he stiffened as she began carefully wiping away the blood, the alcohol sharp enough that he could smell it faintly. "Might have a bit more...character to your nose afterwards, but you can always get that fixed surgically if you have a mind to. I'd quit the fist fighting while I was ahead if I were you, young man."

"It isn't a pastime I indulge in frequently." He admitted after a moment of silence, trying to keep his head as still as possible. "Though it was...cathartic."

"Hmm." She mused, voice easy and comforting, enough so that he found himself relaxing despite the examination of his nose. "Well, I suppose I could see how it could feel that way."

Something about the neutrality of the answer annoyed him, though he had absolutely no cause to be. Especially not with an inoffensive woman he'd only just met. It felt like his temper was getting a bit out of control, and that recognition calmed him slightly.

"But?" He asked mildly as she turned to replace the wipe she was using with a fresh one.

"Oh, well, I'm not exactly here to impart wisdom, I'm just here to get you ready for the doctor." The nurse replied placidly, and met his dubious expression with a smile. "But it seems to me, if you have to use physical violence to get your feelings out, you're likely not doing a very good job of expressing them in the first place."

"We aren't a very...feeling family." He replied awkwardly, trying to find a way to defend it. It _had_ felt good. "Truthfully, we aren't much of a family at all."

"No?" She asked calmly, carefully tilting his head to the side with a hand on his chin.

"No. Sometimes I wonder why I care at all, and then I feel ashamed with myself. There is so much that goes on that others would consider horrible, and it is simply our lives." He confessed, exhaustion and frustration making him speak before he realized he was spilling his heart out to a stranger. "They raised me, they cared for me, and now I simply feel...conflicted. So much history, so much...momentum, it drags me back in and I..."

There he winced, a throb of pain cutting his words short. Wynne gave a small 'hmm' under her breath, angling his chin a little further, examining him critically. After a moment she released him, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder.

"It sounds like you're having a crisis of conscience, and if I were you? I would quiet my mind a little and try listening to it. You might find you already know what to do." She removed her gloves with a brisk snap, dropping them onto the tray. "The doctor will be in shortly to get you straightened out. You're lucky you don't need surgery."

"I...thank you." He replied, becoming uncomfortably aware that he'd been rambling. "I apologize. It has been a long night."

"It does us all some good now and again." She replied easily, eyes crinkling at the corners as she offered him a smile. "You seem like a smart young man. Holidays can be a stressful time. Just remember. Momentum isn't a good reason to keep doing things the way you have been. They obviously aren't working, or you wouldn't be here."

She gave him one last, friendly pat on the shoulder, and then turned to head out again, taking the tray of bloodied supplies with her. He watched her go, pensively, mulling that over in his mind. A crisis of conscience? Well, that wasn't much of a surprise to hear, which likely meant she was right.

Perhaps it was only acknowledging the reality of what it meant if his conscience said he was doing something wrong that he was avoiding. Acknowledging it meant he accepted something in his view was wrong. Something being wrong meant that Cassandra could indeed be right, and he was going down the wrong path, and he always had been.

And if he always had been...

Then everything really did mean nothing at all.

Years and years of being bullied, ignored by everyone but Mythal as he struggled to find a place in a family that didn't want him. Elgar'nan had made that clear when he had been adopted and they had changed his name. He was the odd one out, the unwanted one, the one who didn't belong.

But he had fought, and struggled, and earned every bit of respect and attention he had been given. Respect, attention, superiority...but never love and approval.

And that had really been all he had ever wanted.

Of course Mythal loved him, she always had.

Didn't she?

He couldn't ever remember being praised unless it was to put down someone else at the same time. That was how compliments came in their family, as a weapon to hurt someone else. Scraps of approval that they fought over like animals. Of course Mythal loved them, she had saved him, defended him from his cousins, ensured that every opportunity they had, he had as well.

Of course he had to work for them, but look at his cousins. They were all but helpless now, and he was succeeding. Obviously something had gone right in how he was raised, but...

He just wasn't happy.

 


	24. Chapter 24

The bus terminal was noisy today, Ellie was far from the only person on their way home. She couldn't imagine how bad the airport probably was, but she'd never been a fan of flying. Granted, she'd been on a plane...once, but she sure hadn't been a fan of it. Seated on the bench, she idly watched mom across the way on her cellphone, kicking her legs back and forth.

"I want to go with you." Mira demanded yet again, and Ellie stifled a sigh, glancing down and aside. "I don't wanna stay, I wanna go with you."

"I'm sorry, bug, you can't. I've got to go to school, it's not fun time, okay?" A hand reached down to ruffle her sister's hair was dodged, and she gave up, shaking her head. "I know things aren't that easy right now, but Deshanna said you can go spend time at the council office if you want after school, okay?"

Which was sort of a big deal, actually. Keeper had been surprisingly mellow about her change of heart, but had asked her not to drop the position, at least not for now. It made sense, she really didn't want to jeopardize her scholarship at all. The news about Velanna had somehow made it through the grapevine like wildfire, at least through the council association, and people were getting nervous. The program had been in the works for ages, longer than Ellie had known about, and getting it screwed up now would be horrible.

They'd all been ordered to be on their best behaviour, and to document everything, which only made the pressure all the worse. It wasn't just about her, it really wasn't. It was about making sure the program succeeded, and continued, which made her just feel crummy about how much she'd fucked up. This was a big thing. Precedent, right? They had to succeed so that the people who came after them could, too.

So, Ellie was still First, but only as long as she had to be. If the very worst happened, one of the older Firsts would move into town and take over Keeper while she was in college anyways. She was starting to wonder why she'd been freaking out so much about having to face it.

Taking it seriously was something she'd promised she'd do, but...taking it seriously also meant realizing that she just wasn't suited for it. If being at school with everyone had taught her anything, it'd taught her that. It was a lifetime commitment, and the fact that she didn't want to do it should be enough to disqualify her.

But what to do now?

She'd been poring over the programs in her phone, hunting and searching, and finally had given in and set an appointment with one of the school's counselors after break. It'd help. There was just so much, and online 'choose your career' tests and stuff did nothing but leave her more confused.

No, it was time to look for help.

She was embarrassed how relieved she was to leave home again, after a tense, awkward holiday. Mom had been more bearable than she had been for a while, but even that was a bit much. Still, she'd left her swearing she'd start keeping up with things, and Aunt Patty was on Ellie's side, so that was something. It was just exhausting being around mom, and trying to keep her off of Mira's case meant she'd been getting a full dose of dramatics.

No longer numb to it, she just felt drained now, and eager to get back to school. Who would have thought that she'd ever be looking forward to school? Ellie had never been academically driven, but she knew how to work hard, which was really the heart of it she'd always thought. Hard work was something she'd been afraid of, even if she'd started off her college career by being a lazy ass.

It'd been a nice change of pace, screwing around, getting by.

But she'd made some mistakes, and it was time to start fixing things. Focus, like Lyna said, find a reason to be there. Stop trying to prove something to yourself. Honestly, she wasn't even sure what she'd been trying to prove, other than that she could have fun too. Dipping her toe into the pool of screwing around and not diving in. Well, apart from Solas, she sort of felt like she'd proved she had.

She wasn't a fuck up. She was just a person who sometimes fucked up.

Unfortunately, it kind of felt like abandoning art school for this place was sort of another attempt to prove the same thing, and now she was stuck here. Not all decisions had consequences as small as a broken heart, some of them were a lot bigger. She could make the most of it, though, couldn't she?

Besides, she could still be an artist on her own time, in her own way. She'd been neglecting it because it was more fun to run around the city and dick around, but some of that was starting to lose its allure.

"Everything is the worst." Ellie heard her sister mutter, breaking her out of her inner monologue, their eyes meeting. "Well it is! Everybody's going away."

"Hey, c'mon. Your dad's not going away, he's just moving a little bit away. You'll see him all the time." Ellie replied, and this time Mira didn't dodge the hair ruffle, leaning in to it. "And you can call me any time, bug, you know that. Text me or call me or whatever you want."

"I still wanna come with you." Mira responded sullenly, leaning in to the one-armed hug Ellie wrapped around her. "But okay."

"There you go." Ellie sighed, for a moment wishing she could bring Mira with her. It'd be so much easier to look after her, to...no. No, she couldn't start thinking like that.

Mira was her sister, not her daughter, not her responsibility. It was mom's job. It just was hard to convince her heart of it.

She was kind of starting to think her heart was dumb, and didn't know what was good for it.

Glancing up at the clock, she sighed and reached down for her suitcase, smiling aside at Mira as she made a small sound of protest.

"I know, bug." She assured gently. "I'll miss you too. But I'll see you again before you know it, okay?"

Time to head on back, where a whole new batch of problems was waiting for her. All she had to do was ignore him, and hope he left her alone. She'd be over it soon. Bigger problems than him, after all.

She had a future to worry about.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


"Why are you here?"

Solas couldn't help the bluntness of the question, flat and hard as he stared through the open door of his room. He'd been relieved to get back again, relieved until this very moment when he took in the sight of Victoria perched in his chair, legs crossed.

What a way to ruin a homecoming.

He'd been avoiding her like the plague, which she'd expressed her displeasure over enough that he'd taken to escaping the house altogether when he could. The first dinner had been awkward, the second had been painful, and proving that arrogant or no, he'd been entirely right about why she was there was...not a victory. Still, some good had come of it, he'd seen some shows he would have otherwise avoided, on Nathaniel's recommendation.

Very strange, finding himself friendly with Rendon Howe's son, even the pariah of that particular family. A fate worse than death, being shunned, except Nathaniel seemed to be doing fine on his own. It made a man think, especially during a very unpleasant holiday.

He'd possibly sneaked out two days early, and if his texts were any indication, Mythal was pretty irritated with him. He was fairly sure she'd intended to corner him for a lecture right before he left. He'd gotten tired of waiting for it, and pretending that he and Falon'din hadn't punched each other in the face. The sheer ridiculousness of ignoring the swollen noses and black eyes at Satinalia dinner should have been funny, but it wasn't. He'd just been disgusted.

The complete lack of acknowledgment of it was completely bizarre, and even stranger still was that he recognized it was.

His uncle hadn't even said a word.

"I'm getting really tired of this game you're playing, Fen." Victoria snapped, glancing up from her phone as she startled him out of his reverie, eyes half narrowed. "I comprehend, all right? The jealousy's sad."

For a moment his mind blanked, that utter flatness that came with surprise. Gradually it faded as he stared at her, and understanding took its place. Of course. Falon'din told her that they'd been fighting over her. Why hadn't he thought of that before? Likely because he was trying to not think of it at all.

A small, ugly thought briefly pointed out that it would take barely any effort at all to break them up.

"That's a lovely new bracelet. A present? Didn't he just buy you that purse for the holiday?" He asked, gesturing to the emerald tennis bracelet her wrist, trying to push the nastiness in his mind to the side. "I'm glad you've found someone who treats you the way you want to be treated."

The flat, hard-eyed look she gave him was one he remembered all too well, and he could have practically said, verbatim, what came out of her mouth next.

"Is that supposed to be _cute_?" She asked sharply, and then immediately gentled her voice, smiling with a tilt of her head. "Listen. I gave you a chance before to step up, and you didn't. You didn't even try to get me back, and you can't change your mind now. Ignoring me isn't going to make me want to chase you."

"You're very right." He agreed, stepping back and to the side, opening the door wider. "Thank you for letting me know. You should probably get going."

There was absolutely no point in bringing up the fact that she'd broken up with him. It wasn't a surprise that she'd expected him to chase, but it had been such a relief to be free of the haranguing and expectations that he hadn't even tried. Yes, she could be sweet when she wanted something, and yes she was attractive, but he was all too aware now that she just considered him interchangeable and replaceable.

After a few seconds' staring she slid to her feet, something in her posture making him warily alert. He held his ground as she lifted a perfectly manicured hand and examined his nose, feeling the edges of her nails against the skin. He endured it for a few seconds, and then lifted his own hand and brushed hers aside, avoiding the urge to grab her by the wrist.

"I am fine. Worry about Falon'din." He suggested, and she dropped her hand with a sigh. "I'm not certain why you're bothering. Even if I were jealous, which we both know I am not, why would you come here and make it worse?"

"You're starting to hurt my feelings. Can't you be even a little jealous?" She asked hopefully, and then rolled her eyes when he sighed. "I don't get why you're being so ridiculous. Yes, dating him was a mistake, but so what?"

"That is a bit cold-hearted, isn't it?" He asked, though it wasn't exactly concern for his cousin's feelings that made him say it. "I've always admired your intelligence, this little farce isn't making much sense."

"I thought he could be a project. I don't know, it was easy." She said exasperatedly, and then scoffed at the look he gave her. "All right, I bit off more than I could chew. So what. At least _he_ knows how to buy presents. Listen, do you want a second chance or not?"

"A second chance to do what, exactly? Carry your bags and buy things for you and wait around to be replaced?" He asked, surprising himself with how bitter it sounded. Shaking his head, he stepped back from the door a little. "I'm not interested."

While she stood there, eyes searching his face, lips thinned into a line, the part of his brain he was slowly becoming aware was the part he probably shouldn't listen to was clamoring. Sleeping with her right now would solve a lot of problems. One quick text and a picture would both infuriate and humiliate his cousin, which would be some nice payback, and ensure that they actually broke up. And, rejecting her afterwards would ensure she was furious enough not to bother him again. Win win. And of course there was the fact that he hadn't slept with anyone since...

Ellana broke up with him.

Remembering the fury and hurt in her eyes, he silenced the nasty part of his brain with a surge of guilt.

"Goodbye, Victoria." He said firmly, and her eyes narrowed to a glare.

"This is ridiculous. You...are ridiculous." She muttered irritably, throwing up her hands as she turned to storm out of his room at last. "Well, good luck getting that internship with my father without my help, Fen!"

"I never wanted it, Victoria, that was your idea." He reminded her as she started down the stairs, firmly closing the door on the noisy, scornful scoff.

Closing the door, he leaned against it, lifting a hand to rub at his forehead. That had been the right thing to do, hadn't it? Don't engage, don't say anything, just move her along and wash his hands of it. It felt right, and he was becoming aware that might actually know of what was and wasn't. Maybe his conscience was a bit rusty, but it was still there at least. It just seemed to need some...recalibration. As good a word for it as any.

Bit by bit, his mind was starting to feel steadier. It was time to do what he'd been avoiding.

  
  


  
  


Sebastian had gotten back that afternoon, and had agreed to help him. Which he appreciated, of course, and he appreciated that he was here now, but he didn't appreciate that he'd not come alone. The very sober, calm face staring at him from his desk chair made him vaguely uncomfortable, enough so that he was considering tossing them both out and giving up on it.  It was a stupid idea, at any rate, and likely would accomplish nothing at all, but he had to start somewhere, he felt.  He had been trying, but now it felt as if he couldn't even trust his own mind to know what was good and what was bad.  He needed someone else to listen, someone else to help.  Just not...this someone else.

"I am sorry, but this is private, so if you could..." Solas started, and her expression didn't change.

"Do you want help or no?" Lanaya countered, pleasantly cheerful, so much so that it made him uncomfortable. "I think it's very smart for Sebastian to realize he might not be able to help."

"You are hardly an unbiased party." He replied dryly, and then frowned as Sebastian crossed his arms. "Really?"

"Lanaya has heard her side of it, and I have not. Ellie's not feeling much like talking to me." Sebastian pointed out, lifting his hands. "I know this is difficult, brother, and I think this is a good step for you to take, I just needed help."

"You can't say anything to her, this isn't...I don't want her to think that I am..." It was difficult to put into words, which was a problem he so rarely had. Of course he wanted her back, he still did, but he didn't want her to think he was manipulating her friends. "I need to know why she said what she did. I...I realize that I am not perfect, but even now I can't understand...I thought things were going well.  Things _were_ going well."

"Sometimes it just takes some work and a bit of different perspective." Lanaya said confidently, and then smiled. It was awkward, being in her company, a fact she didn't seem to notice or care about. Unnerving, that. "I won't say anything to her. It wouldn't help anything, would it? Why don't you start at the beginning?"

He had been avoiding thinking about that painful conversation all this time, but he needed to. He needed to unravel it, try to find out where he had gone so wrong. Try to understand how he had hurt her. There was no way to even begin thinking about fixing it until he understood.  

It felt foolish, stupid to do this, especially with Lanaya here, but he wasn't a coward, no matter what Cassandra had said.

"She seemed...on edge from the start, because right from the beginning it felt like she was...testing me." He decided, trying to dig back to the beginning, when he had been nervous, rambling. "She made a joke about us being bad at hating one another, I agreed, I told her that I actually enjoyed her company, even though it was unwise."

"Unwise. Is that what you said?" Lanaya asked, calm and curious.

It was easier to handle her now, while he was lost in his own mind like this, trying to dig through the uncomfortable memory. He let himself fall into it, rather than focusing on the moment.  It was what he had said, because it was, of course.  

"Yes, I believe so, because she asked me why it was. I told her the truth, that we are simply very different people, with different backgrounds..." He frowned, remembering her voice sharpen, grow frustrated.

"So, because you're different from each other, it's not a good idea to be together?" Lanaya asked, and he frowned, giving a small shake of his head. "Most people think that a bit of difference is a good thing. Why do you think it's bad?"

"Do I really need to enumerate the reasons for you?" He snapped at her, and then immediately recognized it for defensiveness, the surge of anger dissipating.

Sighing, he pulled to his feet and turned away from the bed, pacing across the floor, trying to force his mind to calm. There was no answer from Lanaya, which helped him find his mind again, until he was able to speak once more.

"I apologize. My family is harsh, with each other, with others, I...they say it is a standard, there are standards." He had to admit it, because his entire argument had hinged on it, but he hadn't been brave enough to say it honestly to Ellana in the moment. He'd tried to soften the blow, tried not to hurt her, and had somehow made a mess of it entirely. "The idea of bringing her to meet them, the idea of being together in public, the backlash would be...horrible. The fights, the mockery, she would be harassed, she would be hurt."

Just remembering the things Falon'din had said about her made him angry all over again. How much worse would it have been if she hadn't rejected him? He would have made her a target, even more than he already had. Selfish, he'd been so selfish.  Maybe she had been right all along?  Except that wasn't why she had rejected him, something he had said hurt her, and that was why.

"They come with me. And they are..." It hurt to admit it, because he was one of them, he had been a part of it, and continued to be a part of it all. Victoria's visit was lingering in his mind. "Terrible people. We are terrible people. I broke my cousin's nose over the holiday and no one said a thing. It was like it didn't exist."

"Well, he got you back for it, well enough." Sebastian pointed out, and then at Lanaya's faintly disapproving noise, added, "So you didn't mean your standards, did you now. You meant..."

"Theirs. I am...I have been fighting all my life to live up to them." Lost in his own mind, he forgot that he should be more circumspect, a long holiday full of misery and a mind full of self-recrimination and regret taking over. "I have been struggling, fighting, to be what I need to be to succeed. I have worked so hard. And I have it, I _finally_ have it in my hands.  I have been working my whole life to meet these standards. "

"Is it worth it?" Lanaya asked calmly. "It doesn't really sound as if it is."

"It _has_ to be!" The lift of his voice was just another frustration, and he struggled to push it off, still pacing. "I would like to get through this, I am getting sidetracked. She...she was angry. I believe. She asked what I meant when I said that I wanted to be with her despite it..."

"So you told her that being with her was stupid, but even though she isn't good enough, you like her anyways." Lanaya abruptly said, cutting through his attempt to remember the emotional, painful conversation.

"No, absolutely not! I would _never_!" He denied instantly, ignoring Sebastian's quiet attempt to calm him. "I would _never_ say something like that to her!"

"That is what she heard." Lanaya replied mildly, not seeming in the least bit flustered by his shouting. "That is what you told her, Solas, because that is what she heard. Because, intentions aside, that is what you meant."

For a moment he just stared at her, turning his eyes and fixing his attention on her placid face. Silently she waited while his mind raced to catch up with itself.  Her words that night, the angry rant when he had been stupid enough to text her.  All of his thoughts about his family, his disgust and disdain for all of the lies, with himself.  

All his life he'd been raised for this, hadn't he? To fight for something, to strive for a position in life he was denied just by being born to the wrong parents, raised in a family that he was reminded over and over again that he didn't belong to.  They all were expected to fight constantly, drag one another down, bully and conform and force each other to conform.  Was that really what a family was supposed to be?

And he'd been considering keeping the damn name they'd given him, as if he was _proud_ of it.

"I don't think I even want it. Any...of it." He heard himself saying weakly, distantly, mind still racing. "Why would I say that to her, why would I treat her like that, when I don't even want it?"

"Maybe you were trying to convince yourself that you did." Lanaya said quietly, giving a small shake of her head, blue eyes sympathetic. "I don't know, Solas, only you know that. You made her feel worthless to you. Even worse than that. You made her feel as if she made _you_ worth less."

"She is _not_ worthless." He denied, trying to find a way to make them understand.  Why couldn't they understand?  It wasn't him, it wasn't his standards, it was theirs. "It is...two different things, entirely."

"No, it's not.  You just want it to be two different thing." Sebastian interrupted, actually speaking up again. "I'm sorry, brother, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. You're lying to yourself. So, which one are you going to choose?"

"I don't understand what you mean." He declared stubbornly.

"Seems pretty simple to me, brother, but I'm on the outside looking in, aren't I? I know you. You don't care about money, about material things. We both know that's not the sort of worth you're talking about." Sebastian said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're just going to have to come to terms with it sooner or later.  You've been hoping all this time that they'll give you what you really want."

Angry.

Why was he angry again?

The rage came up from some part of himself he'd been dragging all of this out of, a hole that hurt, that he covered up because it made him weak. That was what made him weak, wasn't it? Ignoring it, ignoring what it did to him because he knew...he knew he could never fill it. He just pretended he didn't care, while letting it guide everything he did.

"He is a _bastard_." He heard himself saying between clenched teeth, hand curling tightly, muscles stiff. It ached, the force of it, forcing the words past the burden of resentful anger. "I had a perfect term. Perfect. He didn't say a word. I fought with my cousin, not a word. Good, bad, it doesn't matter, it gets me NOTHING! I don't know what I have to _do_! Every time I think I've done what they want the bar is raised, yet again! How much higher can it go?"

"However high it needs to go for you to keep doing what they need you to do. Pat on the head now and again, maybe." Sebastian replied cooly, lifting his shoulders. "You're just the one they can trust, it doesn't mean..."

"It doesn't mean my uncle cares about me." He admitted, quietly, when Sebastian faltered. Turning his back on them, he inhaled sharply, chest heavy, almost too tight to fill his lungs. " _When_ is he going to care about me?"

"Probably never." Sebastian replied quietly, voice thick. "I'm sorry, brother."

"It is all worthless. I don't want it, I just wanted him to _care_." He admitted, resignation weighing his shoulders, dragging it down. His eyes stung, watered, the pain leeching into every word. "And I _hurt_ her. I hurt her chasing the approval of someone who will never give it to me. He never will, will he?"

He was grateful they gave him a moment, because he couldn't have stopped the tears if he wanted to. Back to them, jaw tight, he covered his face with his hand and let out as much as he could manage. It was too old, too familiar, that pain. He wasn't ready to rip it free, he just needed to acknowledge it was there.

"You made mistakes." Lanaya murmured, breaking the silence, and he inhaled sharply again and lifted a hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks. "People make mistakes...but the question is, do you want to fix them? Fix them because they were wrong, not to try and get someone else's approval.  That's where you really should start, I think.  Make of it what you will."

"You think I should let her go?" The idea hurt, it all hurt, but the wound he uncovered hurt much more deeply than losing Ellana. It was old, and deep, and it had apparently been forcing his hand for some time now in ways he didn't understand.  "No, of course that's not...she said no.  Try to repair the damage just because it is the right thing to do?"

A strange idea.  Foreign, but maybe that was the way after all.  The very idea that he couldn't tell right from wrong was disturbing, on a very deep level.  Doing something simply because it was the right choice might be somewhere to start.

"I think you should find a way to start approving of yourself, Solas. Fixing this might be a way to begin." Lanaya said slowly, and then gave a faint laugh. "The first step might be a bit too intimidating, though. I know I would be cringing. If you can manage it, you're braver than I am."

"No. I need to know." He insisted, turning to face them again, both amused and chagrined to see Lanaya wiping her eyes as well. "I need to find a way to make this right, I need to find a way to understand this all. How do I begin?"

 

  
  


 

The instant Solas approached across the quad, the eyes fixed on him became wary, hard and cold. She slowly crossed her arms over her chest, guarded, and he kept his distance respectfully. When he lifted his hands in surrender, she just frowned, lips tightening sourly. Carefully, he gathered the words he had prepared, and then exhaled and spoke, well aware of the people passing by all around them. It had to be public, because he wanted to be sincere, didn't want to make her feel backed into a corner or under attack.  He had been preparing for the better part of a week, until Lanaya said she'd finally returned.  He still didn't feel wholly prepared, especially not facing her down as he was.

He had to do this, because it was right.

"I owe you an apology." Solas told her, and wasn't surprised at the disbelief on her face.

Silence between them as she stared at him with that penetrating, disbelieving gaze, searching his eyes. Finally she exhaled, a small disbelieving scoff.

"I'm listening." Velanna replied, arms tightening just a little. "But honestly, I really doubt you can make up for anything."  
  


"No," He agreed, "but I can try."

 


	25. Chapter 25

It'd been a very long two weeks.

At first Solas' apology to Velanna had received berating, scorn, and righteous anger. Exhausting, but considering he felt he deserved it, he hadn't complained. Then had come the ignoring him, which he had waited through patiently. Now she had come to him, which he hoped meant that some progress could be made. Maybe she would even finally accept it.

He'd been reading the book. Cassandra insisted.

It had only emphasized all of the things he was slowly coming to terms with. All of the patterns of behaviour, the withholding of approval, it was unflattering. It was painful, but at least reading about it let him divorce himself from the emotion, look at it academically. It was a detachment that helped him find his place in the cycle, helped him to see where he had gone wrong. It was hard to be defensive in the face of fact, not only the opinions of his friends.

Right now, however, he wasn't feeling detached and thoughtful, but under attack.

"What do you mean, what am I going to do?" He asked Velanna, who folded her arms tighter and lifted her eyebrows challengingly. "We've both agreed there is nothing to be done about the grades, if there were, I would be willing of course, but there isn't."

"No, you're right. There isn't." Velanna agreed, lips tightly pursed. He forced himself to meet her gaze, rather than looking around the quad to see if anyone was watching. "What are you going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again?"

"I don't know that there is anything I can do." He admitted, weariness in his voice as he leaned forward, elbows on the table. "I don't...understand his motivations, not completely. It seems petty, and that is not normally how he acts. I wouldn't know where to begin unraveling it."

"So you're not really sorry after all, are you?" Velanna replied, rolling her eyes to the side and leaning back. "I can't say I'm surprised."

"I said that I wouldn't know..." He replied slowly, the beginnings of an idea forming. A terrifying, unpleasant idea, but one that actually had a hope of succeeding. "But I know someone who might. Someone on campus."

"All right. So let's go find this person. I'm done with classes for the day." Velanna replied, pushing to her feet. "If you think you're going to do this without me, though, you're dead wrong."

"Perhaps you being there will help shield me." He replied dryly, pushing to his feet and shaking his head. "She despises my family."

"Well, I like her already." Velanna retorted, rising to her feet and grabbing her bag, swinging it across her shoulder. "Let us go, then."

The urge had been resisted thusfar, he didn't want to taint the apology, or make her think that he was trying to find a way to get to Ellana through her. He'd been doing everything in his power to stay away from her, give her space. It hurt, a pain that could be ignored until he saw her in passing, and then it would return and remind him it had yet to start fading.

Velanna kept pace instead of trailing him, picking up ahead whenever he would falter a bit. Once she realized what building he was heading for she pulled ahead, fingers restlessly tapping on the strap of her bag. He hadn't meant to ask, he didn't want to, but it escaped him regardless.

"Is she all right? Doing well, I mean."

"Ellie?" Guarded, the question, but at least she hadn't dismissed him instantly. "Yes, actually. She is."

The wave of relief he felt was overwhelming, though with some worry behind it. It wasn't jealousy, or dismay that she wasn't upset, but a bit of...well, he didn't want her to be moving on, if he was going to be brutally honest with himself.

It would be lying to say he hadn't started all of this with the hopes of getting her back. Now that he'd begun, felt the momentum, it was more than that, but the small hope remained. A stupid, foolish hope, he reminded himself, but holding onto it made all of this a little easier to bear. Even if it was never to be, if it helped him keep moving, keep trying to untangle all of this, then he would hold onto it.

Velanna was staring at him out of the corner of her eye, but he only silently shook his head and kept walking, picking up his pace to get the door for her. Habit, that, and rather than thanks it got him a scornful look as she swept past him, chin lifting.

"I was only attempting to be polite." He sighed, and followed her inside.

"I know how to get a door." Velanna replied, lips thinned to a line as she observed the hallway. "All right. Whose office are we going to, then? I'm fairly certain most of the school of law is in that little crony cabal your family is a part of."

"Most, yes, but not all. Some people don't particularly care for the status quo, you know." It was nervousness, more than any desire to be mysterious that held him back. She had always been fair to him, but had absolutely made no secret of her despising his family.

He'd held his uncle's opinion of her as being a truth. The class he had taken with her had been...antagonistic, at least on his part, but she had graded him fairly.

He could only hope that meant something now.

Velanna had gone silent when he came to a stop in front of the office door, a sidelong glance proving she looked abruptly tense. He couldn't blame her for that. Fast and honest, that was the way to go about it. Lifting a hand he knocked, briskly.

She was in, he could see the light under the door, but it took thirty seconds before the door swung slowly open. Mild disapproval on her face, lips pursed, she began speaking even before her gaze fell upon them, something weary in her cultured, gracious voice.

"My office hours are..." Vivienne said, only to pause, staring at them from over the top of her glasses silently. "Well. What an unexpected pleasure."

"Professor. May I have a word?" He asked, keeping his voice as calm and civil as he could. "It is in regards to my uncle."

"Your uncle?" She inquired, sounding no more than pleasantly surprised. "Well, that is interesting. If this is in regards to your cousin's poor showing last term, I am not one of the people prone to...changing my mind with gentle encouragement."

As she spoke, she was stepping back, offering a small gesture of her hand as she turned to head back to her desk. He followed, and so did Velanna, taking the chairs she indicated as she settled down at her desk, removing her glasses.

"No, this is actually about..." He began, a bit uncertainly.

"My grades being changed by his bribery and cronyism. For the worse." Velanna declared bluntly, despite the slight intimidation on her face.

"As far as I am aware, my dear, you have never sat in one of my lectures or classes." Vivienne replied mildly, and then added, "I believe I'm sensing a story."

"It is the scholarship program, I believe, Professor." He told her, trying to find a way to cut to the heart of the matter, before she could dismiss him. "I believe he is trying to undermine it. Why now, when he did not fight its institution, I do not know."

"Ah. That is interesting. But what would your interest be in such things, Fen'harel?" Vivienne asked mildly, folding up her glasses with care and setting them aside. "If anything, I would think that you shared his views. You've always been quite insistent that you do."

"I was wrong. I apologize for how I acted in your lectures, Professor." He replied instantly, searching his mind for the words he had tried to prepare. It was difficult, but this was something that needed to be done. "I have made mistakes, and I am trying to rectify them."

There was a faint 'hmm' from Vivienne, and he kept his eyes on hers, hoping beyond hope that she could see he was being sincere. Finally she gave a small sigh, glancing aside of him to Velanna.

"There is nothing I can do about your grades, my dear, the term is long over." Vivienne declared mildly, but with a hint of sympathy in her voice. "Things change, but such corruption is insidious, and each generation breeds it anew."

The glance sidelong at him he felt he had earned, and he only nodded with resignation. It was true, in the end. He had always considered it an unchangeable thing, but he hadn't cared enough to not be a part of the problem, let alone try to fix it.

"I just want to keep it from ever happening again. I can survive this, but...I am on thin ice." Velanna responded, shaking her head. "I don't know why he is doing this, and if it is true that he just hates the program in general..."

"It would be very easy to manufacture a reason to expel you, especially on academic probation." Vivienne agreed mildly, and then smiled faintly at the look of surprise. "Oh yes, I was already aware, but it was hardly my business. It is all I can do to fend off the interference attempts in my classes."

"Is there some way I can convince you to help? I know that you know people, I know that...I just need to find a way to ensure he does not sabotage the program." Solas interjected, helplessly. "Please, Professor."

"Know people?" The question was couched delicately, but with a deliberation that made it as much an accusation as a question. "Yes, I suppose I do. By which you are referring to your aunt, I suppose."

"And the rest of it as well. It just seems so unlike him, so petty, there must be something behind it." He shook his head, leaning back in his seat and rubbing his hand across his face. "If I ask after it myself I would give myself away. I did try to ask at first, but he has no intention of telling me anything."

"No, of course not, my dear. You are a tool in the arsenal, not a person to that man. That is how he works, after all, it's how he always has." A quiet note of bitterness in her voice, quickly smoothed away. "No one is safe from it, not even you."

"I know that now." He replied quietly, trying to ignore the sting of it, trying to keep his voice steady in the heart of what was once enemy territory. "If we understood why he was doing it, I might be able to find a way...to make it all not worth the trouble."

"That is generally the way to dissuade him, yes. He is a businessman, after all." Hope rose at Vivienne's words, and he lifted his eyes to meet hers again.  Her expression remained unchanged, and he might have been fooling himself to think her voice was slightly less cold. "I will see what information I can find for you. But not for your sake, Fen'harel."

"Yes, Professor." He replied quietly, with a small nod of his head.

"From what I hear, you have the makings of a brilliant lawyer, my dear." Vivienne informed Velanna, who straightened up in her chair. "It would be a shame to let that potential go to waste. Stay angry, but do bide your time for now. These things can be...complicated. I am sorry that the people who were meant to guide you were such cowards."

"As you said, it seems to be how things go here." Velanna replied with resignation, shaking her head slowly with a swing of her hair. "But I will. The Keepers are very firm that we shouldn't put a toe out of line until this all passes. If...it passes."

"Good. Now, if you will both excuse me, I have some calls to make." Vivienne dismissed, and they both rose to their feet.

Habit had him moving to get the door for Velanna, but he stopped himself as she gave him a look, lifting his hands. He could feel Vivienne's stare on his back, and at the moment he was feeling nothing more than a bit of relief. It was done, he had survived, and she had been willing to listen. If he had expected some feeling of guilt or worry over all but betraying his uncle? Well, it wasn't there.

He wasn't certain if that was a good thing, or a bad thing.

"Fen'harel?" Vivienne asked as he reached for the door to hold it open as Velanna passed through.

Glancing over his shoulder, he met her eyes again, serious as she steepled her fingers together, elbows resting on the desk. Something searching in her gaze, staring across his features as if trying to find something there.

"I am trusting you. Beyond trusting the truth of your words, I am trusting your earnestness, my dear. The truth of your resolve." She reminded him, showing just for a moment a hint of ice in her tone that reminded him just how dangerous she really was. "I hope for your sake that you deserve it."

"I will do my utmost to be worthy of it." He promised her, and nodded as she gently inclined her head towards him. "Thank you, Professor."

He slipped out into the hall to join Velanna, exhaling heavily. The weight of it could be felt now, the beginnings of something that was out of his hands. Something more than just words. The nausea he had been anticipating before finally reared its head, leaving him unsteady as he trailed after a quietly thoughtful Velanna.

"Well..." She finally said, breaking the silence, "That was interesting, and slightly terrifying."

"Yes." He agreed, with a hint of an uncertain laugh. "It certainly was."

Impossible to know the repercussions, but his mind couldn't help but suppose and wander as they headed for the exit. A thousand paths, a thousand beginnings of ideas he had absolutely no way of knowing were true or not. His mind was so full of them he hadn't realized Velanna had stopped until she cleared her throat, holding the front door open a little wider for him.

"There may be some hope for you yet." Velanna decided, giving a small nod of her head. "Apology accepted."

"I haven't done anything yet." He reminded her, hesitantly, guilt rising again. "I've only just..."

"Tried." She agreed with a shrug, and then followed him out of the building, letting the door swing closed behind them. "Which was more than I expected out of you."

"Then I am pleased I could exceed your expectations." He responded dryly, and then shook his head as she laughed sarcastically. "I am going to head home. Thank you for accepting my apology."

"It's not apologizing to _me_ that you should be so concerned about." Velanna replied over her shoulder as they parted ways at a fork in the path, voice lifting as she wandered further away. "Don't you think?"

Pausing, he watched as she disappeared around the corner of a building, and then sighed to himself, eyes half closing. She was right, but at this point he didn't even know if trying to apologize to Ellana was the right thing to do. He was still working through all of it, and she had asked him to leave her alone.

Would trying to apologize just be selfish?

It wasn't one of those things there was an easy answer for. Maybe he should just focus on doing his part to figure out this disaster with his family. There had to be some way to find out some information, without outing himself.

He had to find someone who would be willing to help him, but there wasn't anyone he could trust. Which meant, of course, he had to find the one currency in his family that worked.

Leverage.

  


  


**Sylaise**  


18:16  I was at my doctor's appointment, and I asked how long one had to wait before getting surgery after a broken nose.

18:18  This is me asking if you need me to schedule it for you.

_18:22  Sylaise I am a grown man._

18:24  I've been scheduling your GP appointments since you were fifteen. And your dentist's appointments. Did you think they just magically appeared? That the doctor just picked one for you and then informed you when it would be?

_18:26  I feel as if I shouldn't answer that._

18:27  Falon'din's getting his done on the twenty third.

_18:28  I think I might not bother, actually. I am not having any trouble breathing, it's only cosmetic._

18:31  Well, yes. That's the entire point of cosmetic surgery.

_18:32  I'm not. No, I don't think I'll bother. Can we talk on Sunday? There are some things I wanted to discuss._

18:33  Dramatic. Is this more of your brooding nonsense? Mother's not happy with you.

_18:33  I wanted to talk about your sisters._

18:33  You're joking. Really?

_18:34  I know you've gone to see them, I just wanted to understand it all, I suppose._

18:35  I never should have told you about that.

_18:35  Can you please just agree to listen to me on Sunday?_

18:35  I will think about it.  

 

18:38 Fen?

 

  


 

Ellie had been doing such a good job of avoiding him. She'd barely seen him in two weeks, just little glances that made her stomach twist and her heart speed up. It was hard to see him, harder than she'd thought it would be. Apparently just acknowledging she was in love with him wasn't enough to purge it from her. It was sort of sticking around.

She missed him. Missed the stupid freckles and the way he laughed, missed the broody silences and their back and forth bitching. She missed annoying him. Missed how goddamn smart he was, the dry, sly humor.

She was pretty sure the sex was the part she was supposed to be upset about, because it was sort of the basis of their whole...thing, but it wasn't. Well, she missed it, but more than it, she missed him.

All of him. Even the parts she used to hate, like the lack of fashion sense and the stuck up attitude.

When he'd gone from a hatefuck to a fuckbuddy and then apparently someone she was ridiculously in love with, she didn't know. Right now what she was waiting for was for him to be the person she was over.

He was on her mind, right now, because she was staring at him.

She'd thought it was late enough that it wouldn't be a risk, even though she had to go past the frathouse to hit the bus stop, but there he was, sitting on the front steps. It was cold enough to see her breath, and loud enough to hear it as she exhaled heavily, air dragged out of her lungs by surprise. Two weeks, and now she'd pushed her luck and failed.

He glanced up from his phone, their eyes met, and she instantly flinched and shifted her grip on her bag a little tighter, turning away from him. He'd been nice enough to avoid her, but all she could do was hope now that he'd keep doing so.

"Ellana." He offered abruptly, and she cursed under her breath and shook her head as she heard him rise to his feet. "Please, just give me a moment."

"Nothing you have to say is something I want to hear!" She snapped back, keeping her back to him even though her feet betrayed her and refused to start walking. "There's nothing you could have to say to me. You've done enough damage."

"I only want to apologize." He replied quietly, a hint of a crack in his words. "If you don't want to hear it, then I will respect that."

"It won't fix anything, an apology. Why do I care if you're sorry? You don't even know why I'm mad!" She replied, anger seeping into her voice. She turned to face him, and regretted it instantly, shaking her head and stepping back. "You can't be sorry because you don't _get_ it."

"I understand now, or at least I am beginning to...I am _trying_." He replied, so earnest that she almost wanted to believe him. "I am sorry that I made you feel as if I thought you were less than...I am sorry for what I said, how I treated you."

It hurt, especially as the anger left her as abruptly as it had come, and she struggled after it, trying to catch it again. She _needed_ it, especially now. Without it she was exposed, pain in her chest as she shook her head and took another step back, vision blurring.

It'd been a damn month, when would she be over him?

"Stupid, vague words aren't good enough. You made me feel like _trash_." She replied, voice cracking, making her sound as pathetic as she knew she looked. "You fucking...and I let you, over and over and over, I let you. I can't do that to myself again. I might be trash compared to you, Solas, but I don't have to throw myself away on you."

"Give me a chance to talk through it, please. It's...complicated, it all is. I can't condense it down to...I can't find the right words to say it all quickly, I have been trying." He said, frustration in his voice, and she stepped back again as he stepped forward. "Please, will you give me a chance to try?"

"I can't...it hurts so..." She started, and then shook her head violently as her mind told her not to let him see the pain. Why was she still trying to protect him? "It hurts. It fucking hurts, Solas, okay? It's been a fucking month and it still feels so damn bad. I was so _stupid_ to think...to h _ope_ that you might start treating me better, and I...I..."

She didn't mean to, she would have never said them, but they came out anyways, pathetically high and tearful.

"I _miss_ you."

She didn't know how it happened, who stepped forward, because the pain in her chest was so sharp she couldn't even breathe. Gasping, shuddering, she clung to his back as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her in against his chest. Secure, warm, it was nothing more than a lie, but it felt so right that she almost believed it. Fingers twisted in the back of his shirt as she cried against him, painful, rough tears that caught in the back of her throat and made her gasp for air.

He was begging her, broken as she cried, and then apologizing until the words ran together. She already knew she couldn't forgive him, that it wasn't good enough, but she just wanted to be here, just a little longer.

Until she was strong enough to say no.

Nothing he was saying made any sense, and it wasn't good enough. It just wasn't, it couldn't untangle the pain, couldn't prove he was better than sorry. Couldn't prove he understood, that he was the person she'd always hoped he could be. When her hands let go he held on, a hand trying to cradle the back of her head. The shove against his chest parted them, and she staggered back as he released her in defeat.

A gentle hand reached for her elbow and she dodged it, wiping her face with both hands.

"No." She denied weakly, and heard the beginnings of a protest. "No. It's not good enough."

The ground underfoot was hard, just a little slippery because the rain refused to turn into snow. She could feel gravel shifting under her foot as she slid away, threatening to trip. Everything right now was threatening to trip her, pull her back, drag her under. The thought steeled her, shored her up.

She wasn't gonna fuck up again. Not now.

His hands were reaching after her as she straightened up, but she tightened her jaw, bit back the tears.

"No." She repeated, head shaking slowly. "Just being sorry isn't good enough."

"You are right." He agreed, defeatedly, and his hands lifted to wipe his cheeks as she stepped back again. "I am try...no. You are correct."

It wasn't what she was expecting to hear, and that made her wary, freezing in place, staring at him suspiciously through the tears clinging to her eyelashes. Her shoulders tightened as he took a step back, hands dropping. With a small sniff, she twisted both hands around the strap of her bag, blinking rapidly.

"It isn't good enough, and giving you excuses is hardly fair." He told her, eyes dropping as she stared at him. "I will...I am going to do what I can to make things right. I understand if you cannot believe me."

"I don't." She replied wearily, defeated. "I hear it all the _time_ , Solas. It's so easy for people to say they're gonna do better."

"I understand." He said, lifting his eyes to hers, forcing her to shake her head and glance away. "I will prove it, if I can."

"Yeah, well, I'm not gonna hold my breath, or anything else." She muttered, shrugging her shoulders defensively. "I'm leaving."

Ellie couldn't wait for any more, honestly, not even a goodbye. Clutching her arms around herself, she turned and slumped off, feeling gutted. Hollow, maybe, and for sure conflicted, but for once it was sort of a good pain. She was strong enough to say no.

Maybe that's what it'd take to finally start getting over him.

Wiping away the stupid tears that kept falling, she headed for the bus stop down the block. Whatever. At least she was heading to a model drawing tonight, maybe she could sketch out some of the misery. It was worth a shot. Sometimes getting it out on paper helped.

It was dumb, though, that a small, stupid part of her wanted to believe him. She couldn't, though, she couldn't hang anything on that. She couldn't trust him. It hurt, but trusting people always hurt more in the end.

At least she could count on herself, she'd proven that.

It'd have to be good enough.

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Lanaya( </3)**   
  


09:12 Why are you being weird

_09:14 I'm not being weird, Ellie._

_09:14 Why would you think I'm being weird?_

09:14 See that right there??? Weird

09:14 Are you dating Seb or something b/c ok whatever not like I'm gonna care you know I'm still hung up on the Asshole I don't have a crush on Seb or anything

_09:15 Oh. No._

_09:15 He's very...hm. Nice. We're friends._

_09:15 But no. Nothing more._

_09:15 This is me saying I asked him out but he said no._

09:16 Oh :( sorry Lana

_09:16 He wants to avoid it all right now._

_09:16 Which I understand._

_09:16 I am having a difficult time talking to you because I believe in honesty._

_09:16 But also privacy._

09:18 Not sure I like where this is going Lana :/ wtf do you mean

_09:18 I spoke with Solas._

_09:18 Or rather Sebastian took me with him when he went to speak with Solas._

_09:18 He didn't trust his own judgment._

_09:19 Which I understand, but disagree with._

09:22 About what.

_09:22 It was personal. Not about you._

09:23 Why do I find that hard to believe Lana

_09:23 For many reasons, which are all completely understandable._

_09:23 This is why I was conflicted._

09:26 No your right I have no right you talk to whoever you want to talk to

_09:26 I feel disloyal for feeling bad for him._

_09:26 Maybe that's why I am being weird._

_09:26 I'm sorry._

09:27 I feel bad for him too but I'm stupid so

09:27 I can feel bad for him and acknowledge that its fucked up and the way he treated me was fucked up

_09:27 I feel the same way._

09:28 I'm not angry I'm just bleh you know I saw him the other night and it was a huge mess and I'm just like when does it feel OVER

_09:28 I don't know Ellie._

_09:28 I'm sorry for not telling you earlier._

09:28 Is ok I can't expect you to be different than who you are lol miss gotta fix all the things

09:29 He's ok right

09:29 NM delete delete delete lol

_09:30 He's working on some things. I couldn't say._

_09:30 You would have better luck asking Velanna. She's been talking to him more than me._

09:30 What

_09:31 Oops. Sorry. I thought you knew about that._

09:31 Mother

09:31 Fucker  
  


  
  


**Bitch**   
  


10:29 TAMLEN

10:29 Lyna and Vel are ignoring my texts so pls tell me WHY Vel has been talking to my ex??? That fucked her over???

_10:35 Hey Ellie._

10:35 WHAT

_10:36 What do humans wash their hair with?_

10:36 I hate you

1 _0:36 Shempoo! :D_

10:36 I fucking hate you twat for brains that joke wasn't funny when I was 8

_10:36 Lyna says she's not getting in the middle of it_

_10:36 Cockgargler_

10:36 Bitchslut Prime

_10:36 Gutter licking ass wrangler_

10:36 How tf does one wrangle an ass and what the hell won't she get in the middle of???

_10:38 With a lasso._

_10:38 Duh._

_10:39 Hey Ellie._

10:39 NO

_10:39 What do you call a human that has cells under their skin containing guanine crystals?_

10:39 Wtf?

_10:40 A shemeleon!_

_10:41 That was a herpetology joke._

10:42 Tamlen you don't tell jokes you aggressively offend the universe

_10:42 What did the career counselor say?_

10:45 IDK I got a lot of pamphlets and stuff they said I should look into a care field

10:45 Would I be a bad therapist?? Like IDK not for adults but like for kids

10:45 I like kids

_10:46 IDK. I don't think they let gaping assmonkeys work with kids Belly._

10:47 Hey Tamlen

_10:50 What?_

10:51 Your name sounds a lot like Shemlen did you ever notice?

_10:51 HOW DARE_

_10:51 FRIENDSHIP OVER_

10:51 Finally :D Free at last

 

_11:30 Hey Ellie._

11:30 Go to hell Tamlen

 

 

  
  


**Velanna**

 

_16:55 It went well?_

16:56 Vague, but hopeful.  Some things seem to have been set in motion. The professor is, unfortunately, still not terribly trusting of me.

_16:56 I would show surprise if I had any. I feel the same._

16:57 I remind myself that I have earned this, but it does get a bit wearying.

_16:57 In time it will be like an old friend Solas._

16:57 Thank you for using my name.

16:58 I will see if I can obtain anything Sunday night, but I doubt it. Still, I may be able to find something of worth by talking to my cousin, as we discussed. There is something there in regards to my uncle that might be useful.

_16:59 It must be exhausting to live in a family where you have to manipulate one another in order to function._

17:01 It is, actually. More than I realized before. Hard to fall back into the rhythm now.

_17:03 You didn't deserve her. For all her flaws Ellie is one of the most giving people I have ever met._

17:03 What brought this on?

_17:03 Just making sure you remember- in case you get ideas just because I'm talking to you._

17:05 She made her view clear, I would never press her now. No matter what you think of me, please believe that.

17:05 I admit to being surprised you are so protective of her. She said you two fight a great deal.

_17:05 I fight with my sister. That doesn't mean I wouldn't fight the world for her._

17:06 Another foreign concept.

_17:06 I never thought I would be saying this to you- of all people- but it's not too late to get away. If you even want to._

17:07 I suppose this has gone beyond lip service making things right, hasn't it?

_17:07 Tentatively I agree._

17:07 I believe in my aunt. I believe she wants to do what is right. No matter what I might think of my uncle, I cannot give that up. She took me in when my parents died, she protected me from my cousins. She has always been there for me. I cannot abandon her now.

_17:09 If you had even an ounce of reflection that didn't come out of you by being forcibly dragged- clawing tooth and nail- that might mean something._

17:10 And tell me, Velanna, how much self-reflection do you engage in?

_17:11 Just enough to tell me that I'm right. Which I already knew._

17:11 I thought as much.

  
  


_21:49 Well?_

22:04 Good night, Velanna.

_22:04 Good night? You're not going to tell me what happened?_

_22:05 You claimed this might give you something that could help._

_22:05 Fine._

 

  
**Cassandra**

 

22:37 Cassandra please. Are you there?

_22:42 Solas? What is wrong?_

22:42 Everything is

22:45 I am on my way home, please, I need to speak

22:45 How could she do this?

_22:45 I will be there soon._

 


	27. Chapter 27

"She abandoned them!" Solas raged, turning on his heel and striding across the front porch, angrily restless. He tried to temper his volume, but as always when he was in a rage, it kept slipping from his grasp. "I don't understand! How could she abandon them?"

"Please start...please start at the beginning." Cassandra asked, hands lifted placatingly as he turned to stare at her, while she mounted the last few stairs. "You are not making any sense."

For a moment the rage rose again until he forced it back down, giving a heavy sigh and shaking his head, turning back to stare out at the street. He wasn't angry at Cassandra, it was important to remind himself of that. The sick, furious sensation in the pit of his stomach demanded a target, however, and everything inside of him told him that he wasn't allowed to turn it on his aunt. It was simply not the way that things worked.

And yet...

"I have two more cousins than are acknowledged." He finally informed Cassandra, pushing back up off of the railing and turning to prowl again. "From her first husband. The one that passed away? Well, Sylaise had mentioned before that she had more sisters."

"And you did not think that was something that required more information?" Cassandra asked, and then sighed at his helpless shrug. "Well, what is done is done. What of it, then?"

"I thought that they were step siblings." He admitted, realizing how hollow it sounded. When Cassandra fixed him with a dubious look, he admitted, "I did not care. I simply assumed her first husband's family had them."

"Do they?" Cassandra asked, mildly, face unreadable.

"She gave them up for adoption, or at least that is what she told Sylaise." He admitted, begrudgingly, giving a small shake of his head. "Because it was the only way Elgar'nan would marry her. She said that they...found a new family, so that they could move on to _their_ new one."

"Then why not Sylaise?" She asked patiently, shaking her head. "That seems strange."

"She had no idea as a child, Mythal forbade her from speaking of it. But...their father is human." He replied dryly, and saw her grimace expressively. "Yes. All this time, I have been clinging to her as this...she is virtually my mother, Cassandra, and she is the only one I've ever known. And she discarded her own children because they were inconvenient!"

"That certainly explains why your cousin hates her mother." Cassandra pointed out, her calm starting to bother him a bit. "Is there some way to confirm this story?"

"One of them lives here in the city." He admitted, and then let out a sigh and straightened up, shaking his head. "I could contact her, but it feels...invasive. I can't imagine she would want to speak with me. How would I even begin to approach her?"

"Is there any possible repercussions to you for at least giving her the option to speak to you?"

"I do not care if there is. That is the least of my concerns, Cassandra." He snapped, and then sighed as she silently crossed her arms. "I apologize, this is...it seems so out of character. Yes, she can be ruthless, but giving up her children? I would have never, never thought she was capable of this."

"It seems a bit of a...wild story." Cassandra admitted, and then shook her head slightly. "No, Solas, this is not me disbelieving you, far from it. Why did you discover this tonight?"

"I was looking for some information. I was hoping Sylaise would be willing to help me." He replied, giving a faint laugh under his breath. "She has...tried to speak to me about it before, and I wasn't interested. I...I know how much she resents Mythal, I thought perhaps we could...find some common ground, I suppose. We used to fight, horribly, when she would speak badly about her mother."

"This...enterprise you have been working on worries me, Solas. Are you certain you are not making things worse?" Cassandra asked him guardedly, shaking her head lightly as he frowned darkly at her. "I agree that it is the right thing to do. That is not the issue. But perhaps...this digging you are doing...I imagine this is not the end of revelations."

"I cannot believe she would...and yet I can, that is the worst of it." He declared despairingly, slumping back against the railing, dropping his head in his hands. "I could deny it forever, and yet...I could see her doing something like that. A lack of faith in her, or...I always turn it around on myself. I am a bad person, I am questioning the woman who saved me. Where did those thoughts come from?"

"Is there any way that this woman...your unknown cousin...whatever it is she has to say." Cassandra began slowly, thoughtfully. "Is there any possible way what she has to say will somehow repair your feelings towards your aunt?"

Taking in a slow, rough breath, he considered the question, despair and anger warring with each other. Eventually he would lose the strength for rage, but it seemed to come back worse every time, the more of it he peeled away. Things he should have seen. Things he had turned a blind eye to for years, and years. His willful ignorance his crime.

It was easier, he admitted in some ashamed part of himself, because he knew that Ellana wasn't over him, even if she wouldn't speak to him. Horribly selfish, incredibly so that thought, but it lingered. It'd given him what he needed to keep pushing, and even if he felt badly about clinging to it, he would for now. It had hurt, to hear her crying. It hurt to have her push back from him, but he'd held her for just a moment, and it was just enough hope for now.

He just needed something to hold onto, because all of these revelations seemed to carry more weight than the last, and they were crushing him.

"No." He admitted, resignation heavy in the single word. "No, and I am furious with myself for ignoring it all for so long. I knew something was wrong, that was why I found an excuse to ask."

"I am sorry. I know that you hoped...she would be better. I know how much you care about her." Cassandra offered, thankfully with only sympathy, not pity. "You have always been so quick to defend her."

"I have always been...yes. I suppose that is true." He agreed, letting out a sigh as he dropped his hands, slapping limply against his thighs. "After all, I only had a family by her interference. He never wanted me."

There was silence between them for a few moments, no noise but the faint sound of the television inside, and a few cars in the distance. Finally, he heard her sigh.

"I was concerned, before. That this was...some sort of game." Cassandra admitted quietly, shifting her weight to her other foot, arms crossing again. "I was wrong. I underestimated you."

"I had my head firmly buried in the sand, I do not blame you." He said, his own voice falling in response to her drop in volume. "It is painful, to look back now, but I know how much I need to."

"I am proud of you." She declared firmly, meeting his eyes as they lifted, her own steadfast. "I am, Solas. No matter what happens, there are people who care about you. Never forget that."

Silence for a moment, until he gave a faint laugh and lifted his chin, reaching up two fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose. It helped a little, but his eyes still felt wet as he breathed in roughly, nodding his head.

"I will...do my best to remember." He agreed quietly, giving a small nod of his head. "It is not something I have heard often in my life. How do you keep going?"

"Some days I feel I am stumbling along blindly." Cassandra admitted, and then laughed, quietly. "Most days, in fact. I still strive."

"Thank you. Thank you for being here for me, I know I have been...a trial." He offered quietly, turning to gaze out at the street as she wandered up next to him and fixed her attention on the sodium-lit street, hands resting on the railing. "You have been a good friend to me, better by far than I have deserved. Your faith in me is...I am grateful for it."

"You have not proven me wrong, my friend." Cassandra replied, but with a hint of a smile. "That is all I could ask."

He gave a small 'hmh' under his breath, and they both stared off into the darkness, his gaze eventually wandering skyward. It...the thought in his mind wasn't a question. He had already decided to try contacting this hidden cousin, in the hopes...in some hope that it wasn't as horrible as he feared. Still, he had already resigned himself to more unpleasant revelations. It had hurt, sharp and deep when Sylaise had told him, but now? Now, it didn't pain him quite so badly.

Glancing sidelong in the darkness, he caught Cassandra looking his way, and they shared a smile.

No.

It wasn't quite so hard to bear.

"Look, I believe I can see the voyager." She declared, turning her attention back to the sky and pointing.

Squinting against the streetlamps, breathing in the sharp winter air, he tried to track the tiny, distant stars in a sky muddled by light pollution. He couldn't see it himself, even with superiour night vision, but it would be unkind to say as much. Wouldn't it?

"Well spotted." He said, and then gestured towards the horizon. "But it is the wrong time of year for it. It would be in that direction."

Her disgusted sigh was all the reward he needed.

  
  


 

The door bell rang as he pushed into the small, dusty shop, senses immediately assaulted by the scent of herbs and a tendril of rich smoke that almost made him sneeze. It was a small space, walls hung with art, tables arrayed with local handmade wares. Soaps, sachets, clothing.

Initially his letter had been ignored, but after a week of restless waiting, finally a text had come. Terse, summoning, but not much else. He had absolutely no idea what to expect. The small mish-mash of a shop had been far from what he had anticipated. Indeed, he had thought the address he had been summoned to would be a coffee shop, some sort of neutral territory, but no, she had summoned him to her lair directly.

As he stepped in, he could see her standing behind the counter, short black hair clipped up, back turned to the door as she cut open a box. She wielded the box cutter with brisk, careful movements, and when she spoke, it stalled him.

"Be welcome here, if you must." She declared, voice all too familiar, arch and lilting.

She sounded a great deal like Mythal, but with less aristocratic artifice. Younger, more emotional.

"Morrigan?" He asked quietly, seeing her shoulders stiffen instantly. "It is...My name is Solas."

A pause, a breath, the tension in the air so heavy that it burdened him.

"Yes, I am aware." She replied, just a bit sharply, glancing over her shoulder, their eyes meeting.

It was then that he knew there were no lies to be found. No. Not with those eyes, like Mythal's, Sylaise's. Wary, just a little cold, their stares met, until she finally sighed, throwing the box cutter down on the counter and turning back to her box.

"Well. This is not at all what I expected, in the end." Morrigan declared, pulling open the box and tugging out a layer of bubble wrap. "Wishful thinking, I suppose, that my sister might find some shred of conscience. Instead I find Mother's hound at my doorstep. Oh yes, I know who you are. She is quite pleased with your 'marginal competency'."

A part of him bristled, but he pushed it back down, forced it aside as he breathed in deeply, stepping the rest of the way into the shop. The door chimed shut behind him, as he approached the long, scarred counter.

"I apologize for intruding upon you." He offered, and she gave a small, bitterly scoffing laugh.

"If you are seeking some sort of reassurance, there is none to be found here." Morrigan declared, lifting smaller boxes out of the larger one. "No kind words about how your beloved aunt has treated her unwanted daughters."

Blunt words, but he had come here knowing he might not like what he would find. It would be better to be honest with her, hold nothing back in the hopes that she might open up to him at least a little.

"Perhaps in some optimistic part of myself, yes." He admitted, and she let out a heavy breath through her nose. "But no, I would prefer the truth. If you feel comfortable giving it to me."

"How curious. Even my sister Sylaise does not want to hear the truth. She claims to worry, but gives little more than a cursory phone call once or twice a year." Morrigan responded, voice slightly less hostile, but still wary. "You wished to know if mother gave us up for adoption as she claimed? That we were...abandoned for the far superiour family she had gained?"

"Yes." He finally admitted, quietly. That was the bare truth of what he was seeking, after all. "I did."

"No. T'would have been far better, perhaps, if she had. Then we might have found someone who cared to look after small children." Morrigan replied coldly, and then gave a sigh, shaking her head as she continued, "No, we were installed in a small house with caretakers that were paid for. We were schooled at home, kept at home...my elder sister ran away at the age of fifteen. She is doing well, as far as I know."

"Why would she tell Sylaise that you were given up for adoption, then?" He asked, puzzled. When she gestured imperiously for a nearby box, he went to get it for her, heaving it up.

"I expect so that she did not come looking for us. It may be difficult to imagine, but once my elder sister doted upon us. Or so I am told, I was very young." Morrigan responded, meeting his eyes briefly as she heaved up the box from his arms. Turning away, she continued, "Your father used to visit, before he died. He was a kind man. Mother smiled, when he was still alive."

"I do not remember him, myself." He admitted faintly, unease and disorientation growing. "I was too young when they passed."

"You have the look of him, though not his eyes. I never understood as a child why you were allowed to go home with her, and we were not." Morrigan declared, reaching for the box cutter again, thumbing open the blade. "Legalities. There are games afoot being played that you want no part of, if you are wise. Games in which children are used as pawns."

"Even yourself?" He asked, despite knowing that it might anger her. "Are you saying that you are still in contact with her?"

"I receive a sum every month, as I have for my entire life. That and a deep disdain and suspicion towards all who cross my path are the only gifts my mother has ever given me. We do not speak often." Morrigan replied, slicing through the packing tape of the box with more force than necessary. "In exchange I am never to contact her husband, or approach any of her children. You...are not her child. An amusing loophole."

"That seems rather harsh..." He decided, uncomfortably, letting out a sigh at the sardonic look she gave him an eye peering out from the cover of her bangs. "I apologize. I am not attempting to minimize your experience, it simply seems so out of character."

"My mother has always stressed survival to me, above all else. Survival, and self-reliance. Is it truly any wonder she would choose financial stability over her children?" Morrigan replied, dismissively harsh, until she gave a long sigh and continued more neutrally, "Your view of her is tainted by your gratitude, just as mine is tainted by my resentment. It is the nature of things."

"I do not want it. I am not certain if they are capable of being the family that I want. If she..." He admitted, letting out a quiet sigh, glancing towards the door. "The things they have to give me have no value, and even worse, they involve hurting a great many people."

"You are a piece in some game, even if you do not comprehend it yet. My mother has not changed, she has not softened with age. If anything, she is harder." Morrigan informed him, turning to face him fully, arms wrapping around her stomach. "I expect that we all are, and that escaping may be more difficult than you anticipate."

His attention returned to her, and their eyes caught, held. Hers still wary, but less hard, the tight line of her mouth gradually relaxing.

"You may only be a small piece, but you are a piece all the same. The game can be played by those seeking to destroy it." Morrigan informed him cooly, and he hid his revulsion for the very idea behind a neutral facade. "Or you _could_ try to escape. I would imagine that if you reject all they have to offer, you could live your life without their interference. Some distance might be required."

"You think I would have to leave?" He had never considered the idea, quite frankly, but it was true. Already he had scarcely pulled back, and he was getting phone calls, texts from his cousin, accusations about ignoring his aunt. He could not imagine how much worse it would get if he left school. "It feels quite a bit like running away. There are things I have done that I am trying to set right..."

"That is because it is." Morrigan interrupted mildly, giving the slightest shake of her head. "'Tis selfishness, but sometimes one must _be_ selfish. Then again, _I_ may be manipulating you as well. Perhaps I find it amusing to deny my mother her most loyal ally."

"Blindness is not true loyalty." He replied uncomfortably, all too aware that it was true. His cousins were all horribly self-centered. And he had come close to being so himself. "Manipulation or no, you may be right. I...I apologize for intruding upon you."

"If I could give you some clarity, then that is enough. My mother should have known better than to grow complacent about you. I suggest if you choose to leave, you do so swiftly. If she catches wind of it, she may not let you go." Morrigan declared, the obvious dismissal in her voice enough to have him stepping back from the counter, towards the door. "Please do not visit me again. I expect your phone is being tracked."

"I suspect you are right." He agreed, reluctantly. A thousand questions he wanted to ask, some that only his aunt could truly answer. Above all, however, there was a burning need to ask her about his father. Had she met his mother?

It was a connection Mythal had always denied him, claiming that it was too uncomfortable to talk about his father. He had little more than a handful of pictures and a single painting his father had made. Something that had always been denied to him. Family.

It seemed he wasn't the only one who had been denied it.

"Thank you again, Morrigan." He found himself offering quietly, before turning for the door to head out.

He received no response. He wasn't expecting one.  
  


 

 

Friday afternoon. Velanna had avoided her for almost a week now, with a skill that would be impressive if Ellie wasn't so damn annoyed. Okay, maybe she'd been super busy, keeping herself busy to keep her stupid mind quiet, but it was still a pretty decent feat. On a whim, she'd lurked around the dorms instead of heading out like she'd meant to.

Her ears were still a bit achy from her little side trip yesterday. Seven seemed like a good number, as far as she was concerned for ear holes. Not that she was out of room, but it'd just seemed like a good number. Sigrun was good with a needle, and had felt bad enough about the 'where's your boyfriend' that she'd gotten like five percent off, so that was nice enough of her.

It still stung. Not the ears, but the comment, because it kept making her think about that stupid night last week where she'd practically fallen on him. No. No, it just wasn't good enough, and it was gonna keep being not good enough, because she couldn't trust him.

She just needed to know why the hell everyone was sneaking around behind her back talking to him.

What the hell? Couldn't she get _free_ of him?

She waited for ten minutes or so, and then finally ducked out of her room, heading down the hall to Vel's. The door was cracked, which was a good sign, and rather than checking she just opened it and closed the door behind herself, leaning her back against it with a thump.

Velanna was in the process of unloading her bag at her desk, and glanced over her shoulder with a narrow look that relaxed into a wry smile.

"You angry?" She asked simply, turning back to her bag.

Typical. Have to wake up pretty early to fluster Velanna. Or compliment her when she wasn't expecting it, which was always good for a giggle.

"Confused." Ellie replied with a sigh, shaking her head. "And no one will tell me what the hell's going on! I thought you hated him!"

"I do. Well, I do for the most part." Velanna temporized, and then glanced over her shoulder. "Not like that, don't be jealous."

"I'm not." She lied, and then sighed and crossed her arms, correcting herself. "I am a little, but that's the dumb part of my brain I am seriously trying to ignore right now, because it makes bad choices."

"He claims...and so far has made good on it...that he's trying to fix things. Not my grades, but...just trying to make sure it doesn't happen again." Velanna told her, and when she raised both eyebrows, shrugged. "He is actually trying. I don't know if it's going to work, but he is. He also apologized to me."

That stalled her for a minute, her brain trying to catch up with all of that. Really? And no one had mentioned all of this to her? He hadn't said anything to her? Well, she hadn't given him much of a chance, but she would have thought this would be the sort of thing he would tell her about.

"He tried to apologize to me the other night, and he didn't...he didn't say anything about that. I mean, I wasn't ready to hear it, but he literally didn't say anything about that." She admitted, a little bit confused. "If he wanted me to forgive him, you woulda thought he would..."

"I don't know, Ellie. Mostly it seems like he doesn't have a single idea how to do the right thing, but he's trying regardless. I assume he's just attempting to avoid pressuring you." Velanna turned back to her desk, tugging her laptop out of her bag. "You two are ridiculous, you know that, don't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." She replied stubbornly, arms folding over her chest. "I don't. I'm not getting back together with him, he's not...I can feel bad for him and realize his head's not right. That he's just gonna hurt me. I'm not gonna be that self-destructive again, I'm trying to do better."

"Yes, well...so is he." Velanna replied, and then laughed under her breath sarcastically. "Things I never thought I would say. I agree with you, though. You don't have to hear his apology just because he wants to give you one."

"Yeah, what's wrong with you?" Ellie muttered, dragging her phone out of her pocket as it started buzzing. "Ugh, mom. No, that can wait until later."

"I didn't want to say anything because I did not want to make things uncomfortable for you, but that was obviously the wrong choice." Velanna admitted, and then gave a slightly exasperated sigh, shaking her head. "You would think by now I would be better at dealing with people."

"I'm not upset. I mean. You're gonna be you, and I should have known better than to try and get answers from Lyna." Ellie admitted, giving a small laugh. "I got the stare. I swear she just got glasses so she could scare people better."

"You really should have known better." Velanna agreed, and then glanced down at the phone in Ellie's hand as it started buzzing again. "You should probably answer. Might be an emergency."

"It's always an emergency." Ellie groused, the preparatory weariness that came from anticipating talking to her mom sinking in as she picked up the call and lifted it to her ear. "But you're right...Hey, mom, what's up?"

At first she couldn't make out the frantic babble, words spilling over themselves. Apologetic, frantic, she couldn't tell the apologies from the denials of responsibility. Dumbfounded, silenced, she just stared at the wall, unable to say a damn thing as the meaning behind the mess sunk in.

"She's been saying, over and over, you know how dramatic she is! She kept saying she was going to go live with you, I thought she was just having trouble adjusting, it's hardly my fault, she told me yesterday she was going to stay the night at Alexandria's but she never came home from school. The sheriff says she took the bus to Ostwick, and she knows where the bus depot is since we just took you there, and she's not answering her phone, and I..."

Louder and louder, but it kept making less sense the more she heard, as her mother frantically tried to justify herself. She could barely hear it now, tinny and distant.

"What do you mean, you _LOST HER_?"

Dead silence, her hand shaking on the phone, heart in her throat. She realized she'd shouted, because Velanna was staring at her, and mom had clammed up. Mom never shut up unless she shouted. She could feel her head starting to get dizzy, numb and sick and heavy as she sank to her knees.

Briskly, Velanna stepped forward and took the phone out of her hand before it could hit the floor. Ellie wanted to shut down and deal with it, she needed to shut down and deal with it but what the fuck did she mean?

How could she have _lost_ Mira?

"Hi, Sharra? It's Velanna Sulan. Tell me what's going on." Velanna demanded, quiet and calm.

Ellie was grateful for that, because for the first time in her life...she was pretty sure she was breaking the fuck down. But she couldn't be, because she was good in a crisis. She was the one that handled things, she was the one that picked up the pieces when they...they screwed up.  Oh creators, how could someone screw up this much?  How could this have happened?

Her hands were still shaking as she lifted them to her face, fingers digging in against her scalp as she pressed the heels of her hands into her forehead, settling back against her heels.  Despite the force she could feel her hands shaking, lungs so tight that breathing almost hurt. Velanna's voice was calm and even, which helped, though she still couldn't hear. Inhaling deeply, she forced the panic back, and back again, willing her stupid brain to function.  She couldn't let this break her, she had to find Mira.

"All right, so she took your bank card. Can you have them track it or something? You're sure she was coming here?" Velanna asked, and despite the panic, Ellie abruptly laughed, a frantic, desperate burst of humor, on the edge of sounding crazy. "Do you have the bus schedule from out of Ostwick? Do you know which bus she could have taken? Should we be waiting at the station?"

Of course she stole mom's card. Holy fuck, mom, that's what you got for being too lazy to get out of the car to use the ATM. Bus station, though. It was an...eight hour trip, maybe? Maybe a little longer. Depending on the bus, she could already be in the city. Somewhere. Lost.  Lost and alone, where anyone could just grab her.

"We have to find her. We have to find her now." Ellie demanded, struggling to her feet, feeling the panic recede altogether as her brain kicked back in. "Please, I need help."

"Please contact the police, Sharra. We'll start looking." Velanna decided, hanging up the phone and passing it back to her.

She took it, grateful her hand wasn't shaking so bad as she inhaled, sharply.

"Angry later. Angry later." She muttered to herself desperately, shoving the phone in her pocket and inhaling again. "I need to get to the bus depot. Someone needs to stay here in case she makes it here, someone needs to be checking...checking the bus stops, the routes that lead from the depot."

"How did they let an unattended minor on a bus leaving the city?" Velanna asked, vaguely disgusted as she went to get the door. "Let's gather everyone up and start hunting. We'll find her, Ellie. We'll find her."

"Right. Yeah, right." Ellie agreed distantly, mind already racing. "Let's...let's just go."

Self-control barely keeping the panic at bay, she let Velanna drag her along as they gathered up everyone and got to work hunting for her stupid, brilliant, idiotic little sister. She'd promised. Mom had promised she'd do better, and look what had happened.  How could she have let this happen?

A whole fuckton of good those words had done.

 

 

 

 

Leaving the shop behind, feeling the wary stare still on the back of his head, Solas felt surprisingly relieved, under the despair. It was out. There was no way he could turn a blind eye any longer. The part of his mind that was reminding him over and over that Mythal was all he had was still there, but it was no longer deafening.

She was all he had because she had made it so.

Thoughts twisting around in his mind, he wandered down the sidewalk, heading for his car. Part of him wanted to get in and just start driving right that second. And why not? He had the money that had been left to him by his parents, it could get him by for a while. He could work, find a job. Go...somewhere, anywhere. On one hand, yes, he would be abandoning what he said he would do, but certainly they would understand. He wasn't capable of facing his aunt, he just wasn't.

It rose in his chest, a lightness that spread to his brain, a sudden and impulsive energy. Why not? Why couldn't he just pack up and go? There was nothing stopping him, he was an adult. He could leave, leave it all behind, just start over again, and...

Lost in his own mind, he was halfway past the bus stop when the sound of a child crying broke through his concentration. Snapping back into focus, he blinked and glanced to the side.

A little girl was sitting on the bench, backpack on, hands covering her face as she hiccuped and sobbed. Stepping back towards the road, he glanced in both directions, hunting for anyone that might be searching for her. There were people walking by, but no one stopped, barely any glances even cast her way. For a moment he considered moving on, but the sight of people ignoring her completely bothered him enough that it stalled him.  
  


Shouldn't someone be caring?

 


	28. Chapter 28

No one was stopping.

At this point he was frustrated enough to call the police himself, a walk a block in either direction finding absolutely no one seeming to be looking for the little crying girl at the bus stop. Of course, he hadn't even said a word to her, but...

It wasn't his problem, was it? Or was that just another of those thoughts he shouldn't be having? Biting back the urge to just keep walking, he returned to the bus stop and swallowed the instinct that told him speaking to a child he didn't know was wrong. Normally he'd heed it and go on his way, but everyone else was ignoring her. People just walking by like she was invisible.

He didn't want to be one of them.

"Are you lost?" He asked, and a pair of suspicious, wet eyes peered at him from between fingers as the girl lifted her head. "Do you need to borrow a phone, or should I call an officer to help you?"

"No!" She protested instantly, dropping her hands, and for a moment he was struck by a strange sense of deja vu. It didn't disappear like it usually did, but remained as she continued speaking. "No I just...I just'm waiting...for the bus, I'm not...please don't call the police."

"Do you know which bus you need?" He asked, keeping his distance, letting people walk between them. There was something oddly familiar about the little girl, as she wiped her cheeks and shook her head violently. "All right, well, where are you trying to go?"

"I rode the right bus, but it went to the wrong place!" She informed him with a sudden spike in temper, despite the wet eyes and quivering lip. "The city is _awful._ I hate it."

"If you could tell me where you are trying to go..." He repeated, trying not to let his amusement show. A bit of attitude, it seemed. "I cannot help you without that.  Where are your parents?"

"I wanted to go to the University but I got off the bus and it was the wrong place, I seen pictures." The girl informed him, a bit suspiciously. "I'm not _stupid_."

Telling that she ignored the question about her parents, as was the evasive sidelong shift of her eyes.  Guilt.  Bravado or no, she wasn't really doing a very good job of hiding it.  He really should call the police, but...well, she was so oddly reminding him of someone.  He just couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"There are two universities." He informed her, and this time couldn't hide the chuckle as she threw up her hands in exasperation. "Are you trying to go to State or Haine?"

"The fancy one." The girl declared firmly, and then gave a small sniffle, finally meeting his eyes forthrightly. "My sister goes there.  She's super smart, that's why."

The sense of unease and familiarity finally found its place, snapping in like a puzzle piece as the little girl stared at him challengingly, as if expecting him to disagree. There were differences, of course, but enough familiarity of features, and...gestures, and voice, to make him quite certain that...

"Is your sister's name Ellana?" He asked in a rush, and immediately received a look of hostile suspicion.

That one he certainly recognized.

Oh yes, did he ever know that look.

"Maybe. Why?" She asked, crossing her arms, and then peering over his shoulder as a bus went by.

With a sigh, he reached back and fished his wallet out of his pocket, flipping it open, mind still trying to absorb this all. Quite frankly, after today he was just fed up with revelations, and wasn't even in any mood to wonder why Ellana's younger sister was crying her eyes out at a bus stop. Flipping open his wallet, he fished out his school ID and took a step closer, extending it to her.

"I go to school with your sister. Ellana Lavellan. She works at the coffee shop on campus, she has her lip pierced, she is Dalish...I know your sister." He told her calmly, lifting the ID a little more as her eyes fell down to it. "Are you supposed to be out here by yourself?"

Hopping to her feet, the girl snatched the ID out of his hand and examined it, lips pursing tightly together. The dubious, sidelong gaze shifted up to him, the little scowl deepening.

"Fen'harel. Really, I mean...really really? That's not a joke?" She asked, and then smiled faintly, reluctantly when he frowned at her. "Sorry. It's funny though. Well, funny and kinda scary. But I'm not a baby, I don't believe that stuff.  So you can't scare me."

"You're far too much like your sister." He declared dryly, and then gave a small sigh, glancing around. "This is an odd time to visit. Why would she have you take the bus on your..."

Trailing off as he noted the guilty look, he reached out a hand and took his ID back, letting out a faint sigh under his breath. Of course. The confusion, the fear of the police. Ellana would have never left her sister in the middle of the city alone.

He was dealing with a runaway, more than likely.

Why, he wasn't sure, but he knew he had to get her somewhere safe and call Cassandra, or Velanna right away.

"I'm heading back to campus. I can give you a ride." He offered, mildly, purposefully casual. "I know I am a stranger, but you do know I go to the school, and I know your sister. It's too far to walk."

"I can take the bus." She replied stubbornly, chin jutting in a way he was all too familiar with. "I got here without help. I can do anything."

"That's a shame. I was going to go get ice cream." He mused, glancing skyward, ignoring the fact that it was fairly cold. Hardly weather for ice cream, but if he knew anything about being small, it was that there never seemed like a bad time. "At the drive through, at least. It's on the way home."

"Nice try." The girl replied snidely, with a little bob of her head. "I'm not dumb."

Well, it was worth a shot. He didn't really know much about children, apparently. He would much rather not have a strange child in his car, all said and done, but it was either that or call the police, or awkwardly hang around her in public until someone else came to get her...which was, in his opinion, slightly more creepy than driving her to campus.

This was really _incredibly_ awkward.

"Dumb enough to run away from home." He responded mildly, enduring the scowl it earned him. "I will call the police, then. It's safest. So those are your two options right now."

"I'm riding in the back seat." She informed him brusquely, popping to her feet with a glower lingering. "And if you lock the doors _I'm_ gonna call the police."

"That's fair." He agreed, trying not to let his relief show, keeping his voice neutral. "We will head to campus, and I will call a friend of your sister's that I know the number for."

"I want a chocolate malt." His new tagalong informed him, scuffing after him as he headed down the sidewalk. "And chicken nuggets. Or I'm not coming."

"I didn't say I was buying you lunch." He protested, and she scoffed, arms crossing again. "But I will. Provided you behave yourself as I find someone who can find your sister. You know she is going to be furious with you."

"She'll let me stay." The girl replied, with a very obviously false bravado. "I got here, I want to stay, I don't wanna go home."

"Yes, well..." He remarked, fishing his cellphone and keys out of his pocket, replacing his wallet in the process. "I suppose we will see. Do you want fries?"

"Uh, _obviously_." His passenger replied dryly.

"Of course." He murmured under his breath. "What was I thinking?"

  
  


  
  


**Cassandra**

  
  


15:39 I believe I have found something that may have been misplaced.

15:39 Ellana's sister? She was crying at a bus stop. I'm taking her to the fraternity house, Charles will know how to handle it, he's good with children. We will be there shortly.

15:41 After getting the food she blackmailed out of me.

  
  


_15:55 Maker_

_15:55 Yes. Yes, you found Mira? Yes, Solas._

_15:56 How did you find her? You just found her? She is safe?_

_15:56 Ellana went to the bus depot, her other friends went to the next nearest one. I am closest. I am downtown._

15:57 No one knew where she was? I went to my cousin's shop to speak as we discussed, she was there at the bus stop. She is fine. Very sure of herself.

15:58 No one was stopping, I just was checking to see if I needed to call the police. Then I recognized the...similarities.

_16:02 Maker._

_16:03 I will be there as quickly as I can._

16:05 Just...don't tell Ellana I found her. I don't want her to...

  
  


16:05 Just please do not tell her.

  
  


  
  


When he finally parked, luckily nothing more untoward than some spilled barbecue sauce in the backseat had occurred. He was just grateful that it was the worst that had happened, considering he had someone else's misplaced child riding in the back of his car, complaining about his taste in music. Cassandra was on her way, and she couldn't be much longer than fifteen minutes.

He hoped by now Ellana had been informed. She must have been sick with worry. It was hard not to think of her while her little sister was slurping at the vestiges of her malt as noisily as possible.

"My friend Cassandra is going to come and get you, until your sister gets back. Do you want to sit outside?" He asked as they got out of the car, ignoring the irritating noise of a straw dragging at the bottom of her cup. "There's a bench on the porch."

"Is this a frat house? Like in the movies? It's got the letters." Mira asked him, finally coming up for air. She must have been hungry. He hadn't been aware fries could disappear that quickly. "Are you having a party? Is there kegs?"

"It's four thirty." He replied dubiously, glancing aside and down at her. "So...no."

"I wanna go inside." She declared, abruptly starting off at a gallop, thumping up the front stairs. "Is this like where Ellie lives? With a whole bunch of people? Like having all your friends around all the time? Lucky."

"It can be...but there is a lot of work involved. Ellana lives in the dorms, however." He replied, dragged along in the little girl's wake, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the cheerful chatter. For someone who had just been sobbing at a bus stop less than half an hour ago, she was remarkably upbeat. "Are you certain you don't wish to wait outside?"

"It's _cold_." Mira replied pointedly, and then yanked the front door open and wandered into the front room. "Why would you want to make me wait outside when it's cold?"

"I am trying to not be..." He replied in exasperation, and then followed after her, shaking his head slowly. "People might think it is dangerous for you to go wandering into a strangers' house."

"Yeah but it's the right place so you weren't lying, I saw the big clock like in the pictures so I know it's not the wrong school, and there's probably other people here." Mira replied, and he resisted the urge to order her to take off her shoes as she wandered into one of the front rooms without stopping either words or feet. "Duh. So it's okay. Is that the kitchen? I gotta throw my stuff away."

Again she set off, going from an amble to a run, and he sighed and paused to kick off his own shoes before following. He was halfway there when a surprised 'YO' echoed from the kitchen, and he picked up his pace, cursing in the back of his mind. She had better not be bothering anyone.

He apparently needn't have worried, because he realized the instant he came in through the swinging door that Charles was home. It'd been what he'd been hoping for, he had no idea what to do with this tornado disguised as a child, even for only another quarter of an hour. He hadn't lost sight of her for more than a moment, but by the time he entered Mira was already plopping herself down at the kitchen table across from Spencer.

"What're you doin'?" She asked cheerfully, peering at the cards spread out across the table. "Are you playing poker?"

"Yep, tryin' to teach Spence an actual game. Just five card." Charles replied, resting his elbows on the table and eyeballing the girl over his cards. "You play, little dude? I'm Chaz, that's Spence."

"I'm Mira. I'm good at cards, my dad taught me." She declared, nodding her head firmly. "Can I play?"

"You can finish my hand here, I'm gonna go talk to my bro for a second." Charles invited despite Spencer's irritated squint, passing her his cards face down and rising to his feet. "Don't get cocky, though, he's getting pretty decent."

"I'm really good." Mira declared firmly, glaring over the top of her cards at Spence, who was looking less enthusiastic by the second.

Solas stepped around the counter as Charles approached him, lifting a shoulder lightly at the questioning look. He had a feeling he was looking a bit off-balance, which was fair because he was feeling it as well.

"Runaway." He mentioned in a low voice, and then hastened to add at the alarmed look, "Her sister goes to school here, I know her. I found her at a bus stop, Cassandra is on her way to take her to her sister."

"Damn, that's something. You just found her? Crazy luck there. Technically pretty sure if the parents press charges, though, dude, you could be in big trouble for picking her up." Charles mentioned, and he grimaced. Right. He'd forgotten about that in his rush to make sure he didn't lose track of her. "But if Pentagast is coming to take her to her sister, you should be fine."

"She's a bit of a handful. A...vaguely terrifying handful." He admitted, leaning against the counter. "I admit I may have brought her here because..."

"I got your back, bro. Probably about the same age as my sister." Charles affirmed, grinning and giving him a small cuff on the shoulder, not enough to hurt. There was a pause, and then the shorter man squinted. "Yo, been doin' all right? Not in a bad way, you just seem a lot better than you have in a while."

"Better? I would have said worse." He replied, a little unsettled by the question. Finally he shook his head, brushing off the implications. "Things have been a bit...odd. I will be all right."

"Nah, bruh, nah. Sorry, I didn't mean to cast aspersions. You were just gettin' real tightly wound there for a while, thought ya might snap." Charles replied, and then slapped a hand on his shoulder. "Things might be tough, but don't even worry about it, you'll come out the other side all right."

"I hadn't realized...anyone had noticed." He replied, a bit unsettled by that. "We don't speak that often, after all..."

"Nah, because you were kinda getting lost there for a while. Seemed like you'd forgotten how to just chill. I didn't want to say anything, bro, because I figured you get enough shit at home." Charles replied absently, watching the table. "Hey, it can happen to anyone. A lot of pressure can harden anybody, yeah?"

"I suppose I do at that. Pressure..." He agreed mildly, and then shook his head. "Well, hopefully Cassandra will be here soon."

There was an irritated exclamation from the table, and they both glanced over as Spencer threw down his cards and rose as they slid across the table, rolling his eyes.

"I'm going back to my freaking game!" He declared explosively, turning for the living room, raking fingers through his hair. "At least then I can get sniped by thirteen year olds, not five year olds."

"I'm eight!" Mira protested loudly and belligerently, glowering at the kitchen door as it swung shut emphatically and Spencer stomped off. "What a sucky loser."

"It's hard to learn something new, little dude." Charles replied casually, heading back for the table. "Go easy on the guy, huh?"

"...Yeah, all right." Mira replied, looking actually chastised as she stood up on her chair to gather up the cards. "Hey, are you gonna play with me, Chaz?"

With a small nod, he took Spencer's seat and gathered up the cards. It was almost funny how easy it seemed to be for him to handle her, when he'd been utterly overwhelmed. Dealing with children was a skill, he supposed, that he'd never really learned. Even when Andruil had been small, they hadn't exactly been encouraged to play together. If anything, it'd been discourged.

"So, what's your major?" Charles asked, shuffling the deck of cards. "Lemme guess. You're gonna be a...doctor."

"I'm gonna be a First." Mira replied scornfully, shaking her head. "My sister's gonna be Keeper and we're gonna be in charge of all the clan stuff. It's really important."

"Dalish stuff? Cool." He declared approvingly, giving a nod of his head as he started dealing the cards. "I think you gotta finish your other school first, though, they don't let you skip straight to college."

"I'm just gonna live here, I don't go to college. I'm _eight_!" She replied, and then laughed as he slapped his forehead and gave a faint 'duh'. "I came here all by myself, though, I'm really grown up for my age. I probably could go if I wanted."

"Yeah? How'd you manage that?" Charles asked, sounding rather impressed. As she picked up her cards, he lifted his gaze and flashed Solas a faint wink. "Sounds pretty impressive."

"I got my mom's card and got money from the ATM. There was a lady at the bus station who said she needed money to go on the bus. So I gave her money and she bought our tickets. I gave her some extra too because she said she needed a drink. I had to sit next to her though, it was gross." Mira replied casually, as they stared at her in shock, selecting two of her cards and slapping them down face-down on the table. "She didn't smell good, but she was asleep the whole ride. I'll take two."

For once Charles actually looked taken-aback, but not as shocked as Solas felt. Was she really saying what he thought she was saying? She'd...paid a homeless person to pose as her mother? He wasn't certain if he was impressed or more horrified than before. Poor Ellana.

He somehow doubted this was the last grief her sister was ever going to cause her.

"Uh...pretty sure that's crazy dangerous, little dude." Charles remarked, finally sounding a little out of his depth. "Don't you think you should call your parents and let them know you're all right?"

"Ellie will do it when she comes and gets me." Mira dismissed, voice growing a little angry. "They're dumb and I hate them anyways."

"Well..." Charles started, before the kitchen door slammed open violently, and they all turned to face it.

Cassandra stood in the door way, red-faced and flustered, though her tense expression relaxed considerably as she fixed her gaze on the little girl sitting at the table, cards in hand and a smear of barbecue sauce still on her cheek.

"Oh, thank the _Maker_." She sighed explosively, closing her eyes for a moment. "Not that I doubted you, Solas."

"Who's Solas?" Mira piped up curiously. "And are you gonna play?"

"We need to go wait for your sister to get back." Cassandra responded firmly, and continued over the long, drawn-out 'awwwww'. "Please do not fight me on this. She is absolutely frantic. You have terrified everyone, she has been desperately searching for you."

Abruptly the pouting disappeared, and a rather worried expression replaced it. Solas could only hope some of the enormity of what she had done was starting to sink in.

"Do...do you think she's mad?" Mira asked hesitantly, and then quickly blustered, chin jutting. "I'm not going back!"

"I think she is very angry, yes, but more than that, she is frightened and upset." Cassandra informed her, and the mask of defiance dropped again. "You have done something very, very bad, Mira."

"C'mon, little dude, I'll walk with you guys." Charles abruptly suggested, dropping his cards and getting to his feet. "No worries, bro, we got this handled."

Trying not to let his relief show, Solas nodded, glancing once towards Cassandra. She met his eyes, and nodded subtly, and he offered a tight, humorless smile.

"Yeah, okay..." Mira muttered, slipping to her feet finally, shoulders hunching. "Bye, Fen'harel. Thanks for the chicken nuggets."

"Goodbye, Mira, and you're welcome." He responded, and then added hesitantly, "Your sister doesn't care for me, so I would prefer it if you didn't tell her that I found you."

"Wait, wait, wait..." Mira abruptly stalled, rousing an exasperated sigh from Cassandra as the little girl rounded on him, lifting a finger accusingly. "Are you the boy that made her _cry_?"

Awkwardly aware that everyone was staring at him now, he cleared his throat awkwardly. What could he say? He could lie, he supposed, and he doubted Cassandra could blame him for it, but what would the point be? Perhaps this was just another part of his punishment.

"Yes, I am." He admitted, bracing himself for whatever spite a child could muster.

He'd been expecting yelling, as she stomped over to him, or maybe a kick to the shins. Her face was set in a scowl, hands balled up into small fists as she peered up into his face. It was a bit painful, again, to see the similarities that made the expression all too familiar.

Bracing himself for her onslaught was for nothing, as he wasn't expecting having a heel driven into his instep with all of her weight behind it. As the pain registered, she turned and stomped off, leaving him biting back curses and reaching for his foot.

He'd deserved that, he supposed.  
  


 

  
  


Ellie was at her wit's end. She'd fielded two more calls from mom, more of the same shit, until she'd finally convinced her to go to the police. The fact that she'd been avoiding it because 'people might think she was a bad mother' was the most infuriating part of it, and she'd practically been screaming at the phone when Lyna took over and threatened to call the Keeper and tell her what was going on.

That had worked. Mom was terrified of Deshanna.

She was basically losing it, with no good word from Vel and Merrill yet, or from Cass and Lanaya. Nobody had seen anything, apparently, even the people who were supposed to be paying attention, like the damn security guard at the bus terminal she was trying to deal with.  She was pretty sure Tamlen was now babysitting her under Lyna's orders, because every time she started freaking out he started trying to calm her back down.

She was about three seconds from snapping at him, too.

"I am looking...for a little girl. She would have come in by herself. She's eight, here's...I took this picture like a few weeks ago." Ellie declared, shoving her phone in the security guard's face again. "She ran away from home. She's my sister."

"Miss, you need to call the police." The guard repeated, but less irritably this time. "I haven't seen any little girls, I'm sorry. We don't let unaccompanied minors on any of our lines."

"Yeah, well, obviously she WAS on the fucking bus!" She retorted angrily, trying to shake off Tamlen as he grabbed her by the arm. "So I guess you assholes aren't doing your job!"

"Oookay." Tamlen declared, dragging her away from the tiredly annoyed security guard. "Let's not piss off the people who can kick you out of here. Normally I'm all for a fight, but let's pick our battles for once. Let's go back to Lyna at the arrivals board."

"Don't they have...don't they have cameras or _something_?" She asked pitifully, trying to fight back the tears again. "Can we call the cops? Make them come down...come down and look at the tapes or something?"

"The police said that the police in Ostwick will contact them if they find out she headed here. There's a whole procedure thing. Listen, we just need to keep looking."

She was about to respond when she felt her phone vibrate, or at least she thought she did. She'd been so frantic about it there'd been phantom vibrations a few times, but this time when she lifted the phone there was a message waiting for her. Cassandra.

Frantically swiping open her phone, she didn't realize she'd stopped until someone walked into her, jostling her.

"She found her. She found her, Cassandra found her. She's safe. She's _safe_." She heard herself saying with relief, so overwhelming that she felt herself stagger, Tamlen's hand grabbing at her elbow. "Fucking...fuck, thank fuck...I can't...motherfucking Sylaise enaste."

"Sylaise enaste." Tamlen agreed in a mutter under his breath, sounding about as relieved as she did, though she'd bet he wasn't rapidly turning into a crying mess. She couldn't exactly see much at the moment. "C'mon, Ellie. Let's go get Lyna and get out of here."

She was glad he was dragging her, because she was pretty sure she couldn't have walked on her own right now. Her hands were trembling, shaking way too much to even text Cassandra back. When they got to Lyna, thankfully, she took over the communications.

Ellie just focused on getting her shit together, breathing in deeply as they herded her out to the car.

The worst of it was over. Now she just had to figure out how to deal with her sister.

 


	29. Chapter 29

"I can't...breathe! Ellie!"

The squall of protest was loud, and the toes kicking at her shins were rather pointy, but Ellie didn't exactly care at the moment. Breathing in, she closed her eyes and hung on for dear life, listening to the faint sound of Velanna ordering her mom around in the hall. Mira squirmed again, and she finally relinquished some of her hold, letting her little sister slide down to land on her feet. Not as far of a drop as it used to be.

She'd rushed in after cursory thanks, both to Cass and the guy she was pretty sure was one of Solas' frat brothers. Odd, that. She sort of was wondering if they'd been on a date, but had shelved the question for later. She kinda hoped so. Chaz was really nice, and she sort of thought Cassandra could do with a little romance and less work. But no.

No, that was for later.

"You're safe. Nothing happened to you?" She demanded, pulling her sister back by her shoulders and staring into her face searchingly. No signs of tears, no bruises or bumps, just a smear of chocolate on her cheek. "Nothing, you're not hurt?"

"I'm fine!" Mira protested, frown deepening. "Ellie, don't cry."

"You stupid little idiot!" She snapped, not bothering to blink back the tears that blurred her vision. "I'm crying because you could have gotten killed! You could have been kidnapped, you could have ended up lost in the middle of nowhere! How could you do this!"

The anger in her voice stalled Mira, a rising scowl abruptly cut off as her sister stared, wide-eyed, the facade of belligerent confidence disappearing entirely. She could see the bit of panic, and what came next was as expected as it was frustrating.

"Don't be mad, Ellie, don't be mad. I'm sorry, okay, don't be mad." She babbled, voice a little frantic, tugging at the stupid part of Ellie that was desperate not to let her get this upset. "Okay? I just want to stay, I want to stay, and I..."

"Bug, that's not..." She forced her voice calm, blinked back the tears and wiped her eyes. No. She wasn't mom, she didn't need to cry and throw a scene to get her point across. "No. You will not be staying. You will be going home. You have done something...horrible, Mira. What you did was awful."

"Why? Why can't I stay?! I don't wanna go home!" Mira protested, tearing up as she reached out. Heart breaking, Ellie took a step back, keeping her face calm. "Why are you being so mean?"

"I'm mean? You ran away from home, Mira. You made everyone panic, you made them cry." She replied flatly, hating herself for having to say it. It felt like guilt tripping, but honestly, Mira deserved to feel sort of guilty right now. "We had to call the police. Your dad had to skip work to hunt all over Ostwick for you. Aunt Patty and Uncle Rick have been checking every bus stop between home and Markham. There are people hunting for you."

Silent, Mira stared at her wide-eyed, a few small tears spilling down the sides of her nose as she clutched her hands together, lower lip quivering. Ellie couldn't let it break her, couldn't let it change anything. She had to keep pushing. Had to make sure this wouldn't happen again.

"Mom could be in trouble with the police because of you, Mira. Lots of people could be in trouble. This isn't just about you. This isn't just about what you want." She informed her, carefully and slowly, keeping her voice as calm as possible. "We have been hunting...searching...you were in _so_ much danger. Someone could have kidnapped you. Someone could have...there are bad people in the world, Mira."

"I missed you." Her sister replied, little voice breaking as her lower lip started trembling harder. "Ellie, I just wanted to come, too. Everything's bad, and daddy's going, and you're going...everybody's going."

"I know, baby bug, da'vhenan. I know." She replied tiredly, crouching down as Mira started crying, pulling her into her arms as she sat back on her heels. "Sometimes people go away for a little while, but nobody's _leaving_ you. I would never leave you. Your dad would never leave you. We love you. You know that."

All she got was more tears, and she just dealt with it, hugging tighter until the door creaked open again. A teary glance upwards revealed Velanna standing in the doorway, offering an apologetic smile. Ellie shook her head, rubbing a hand across Mira's shuddering back as she tilted her head to the side.

"Sharra's bus will be in at noon, which means we'll have to leave about ten in the morning. The bus back out again will be at three, and Mac will meet them to get them home." Vel informed her, and then shook her head as she started to try and voice her thanks. "It's fine, Ellie. We're just glad it ended up so well. Your stepfather is handling everything with the police."

"Thanks, Vel." She replied, relief overwhelming, tucking her cheek in against her sister's head. "Thank you."

"It is a weekend, you picked a good time for the dramatics." Velanna replied dryly, offering a tight smile as she moved to set Ellie's phone down on the desk. "Lana and Cassandra went to pick up food. I told them to get Mira a salad, I don't really think she's earned pizza."

"I...want...pizza!" Her sister protested tearfully against her shoulder, interrupted by little hiccups. "I...want pizza too!"

"I'm going to make her sleep in the janitor's closet downstairs. She doesn't deserve a cool college dorm room." Ellie agreed, stifling a slightly-hysterical, trembling laugh at the little wail of protest that got. "I'm pretty sure there's spiders."

"Noooo!" Mira whined pathetically, and this time Velanna gave in and laughed, shaking her head.

"Mirana, you're lucky that spiders might be the worst thing to come out of this." Vel informed her, and then sighed again, pushing off the door frame. "Your sister has the most incredible luck, I can't believe Cassandra found her."

"Yes..."

The response came from the hallway, a little awkwardly. Velanna stepped inside, out of the way as Cass and Lanaya trooped inside with their burden, luring Mira's messy, flushed face from her shoulder. Of course pizza worked. It always worked. Her gaze was fixed, oddly, enough, on Cassandra, tear-reddened eyes narrowed.

Okay. She was sort of under the impression that Mira liked Cass, but that was a pretty baleful look.

"It was very good luck." Cassandra finished, glancing at a nervous Lanaya, and she felt her sister relax. "Luck I would not wish to test a second time."

"It's never going to happen again." Ellie agreed, shelving that odd interaction for later. Something there she wasn't being told. "Ever. I'm gonna call Keeper. Mira's gonna get _such_ a lecture."

"S'not fair." Her sister muttered, sniffling and wiping her eyes.

"Bug, you got rescued in the middle of a damn city after running away from home in literally one of the unsafest ways I could ever fucking imagine in my entire life..." Ellie started, the familiar mixture of exasperation and annoyance rising again. "You've used up all of your 'fair' for like the next ten fucking years."

"Don't curse." Her sister replied sullenly, letting Ellie use the corner of her shirt to wipe her eyes.

"Don't deserve it, bug." Ellie replied with a sigh, and then leaned her forehead in against the much smaller one. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Give me pizza?" Mira asked hopefully, through the remnants of tears.

"Asshole." Ellie replied exasperatedly, and then started laughing when it got her shoved back against her heels, relief finally overtaking all the other emotions.

She was safe. She just...

She had to _stay_ safe from now on.

 

  


It was almost annoying how happy Mira was, because Ellie was pretty sure she was supposed to feeling bad. She'd done her best, kept telling her how dangerous it had all been. Trying to somehow impart a safe fraction of the fear that she'd felt over all of it. The problem is, like it always had been, that it wasn't her fucking job. She was doing her best.

She always had.

Deshanna would know how to handle it. That was her safety in all of this, that Deshanna would know and Mira would listen to her. It sucked she couldn't count on mom, but that was a fact of life she could come to terms with. Or at least, she'd thought she could until this had all happened. They'd had a fairly quiet night, Mira was penitent enough to not cause too much of a fuss, though Ellie could see she was delighted to be on campus.

Maybe planning trips or something would help? Finding a way to let her visit sometimes, without the horrifying homeless woman plots and thievery. And hopefully without the police. She'd talk to Mac about it.

Once again, it didn't escape Ellie's notice that none of her plans involved depending on mom. At all.

That was life.

She had to find a way to get through, though, because there was vague self-involved neglect, and then there was letting your fucking daughter disappear. She spent the entire car ride trying to plan for the talk she'd already decided had to happen. She had to find a way to ignore the guilt, the tears. All of it, she needed to find a way to push past it, finally get a modicum of thought into her mom's thick skull.

Everyone was pretty quiet, and the car was full. Nobody had even bothered asking if they could come along, they'd just piled up into two cars and gone. Everyone but Merrill, anyways. She'd been off doing her own thing for a while now. Cassandra had offered to drive, which was nice, and she and Lanaya had been doing a lot of talking and sticking close to each other.

She and Mira rode with them, and Vel was with Lyna and Tamlen. She appreciated the moral support, because the instant mom stepped off the bus, looking more pale and hollow-eyed than ever, she felt her stomach plummeting.

Ellie was gonna need the support.

Stoically, blank and frantically trying to steel her mind, she waited as Mira got scooped up and hugged. Tears and scolding, fluttery and spineless. Her cynical, tired mind pointed out coldly that it was all about mom. 'How could you do this to me', 'I've been so worried about you.'. She'd been expecting it, but it still made her angry. Angry enough to do what had to be done.

When Mira squirmed free and ran to Ellie, she could see the slight tightening of the corners of her mom's eyes. It wasn't the first time, was it? She couldn't find it in herself to feel sorry for it. Crouching down, Ellie hugged her sister, and then pushed her aside to go sit on the bench. Everyone was watching, but pretending not to watch, which was nice and awkward all at once.

When she rose, she turned with a nod of her head, wandering away from the benches, heading towards a quiet alcove near the pay phone. Mom followed, which she was grateful for. She was so prepped for this by now that if she fought the silent suggestion, Ellie wasn't sure if she'd know what to say without blurting it out all out. Clinging to her anger, Ellie turned to face her, aware all over again how fragile she looked. How fragile they'd always treated her.

"I've always been jealous," Mom admitted, glancing over her shoulder to where Mira was sitting, chattering away animatedly at Cassandra. "of how two close you are. What sort of mother is jealous of her own children?"

"I don't know, mom." Ellie replied tiredly instead of rising to the bait, reaching up a hand to wipe over her face. "I don't know. I'm just glad this is over."

Mom glanced back over and up, and their eyes met again. It was tempting to flinch back as her hands lifted to cup her cheeks, but she just shook her head lightly, letting out a sigh.

"I'm sorry, Ellana. She's just such a handful, more than you ever were."

"Excuses aren't good enough for me, mom, they never have been." She replied, inhaling sharply through her nose and taking a half step back. "You need to start stepping up. I'm done with this, mom."

"I am doing my best, Ellana!" Mom snapped, and then gentled her voice, giving a sigh. "It has been a long couple of days for both of us, Ellie."

"No, mom, I'm sick of this." Ellie repeated, insisting. It was a dumb thought that got in her head and came out through her mouth, but she was just so exhausted that she didn't care any more. "Step up, or next time I'm going to let her stay. I'll work and go to school full time if I gotta. You know I'm capable of it."

Silence between them, and she couldn't help the surge of guilty panic when she noticed the tears. Guilt didn't mean anything, though. Not when she knew she was doing the right thing.

"I am your mother, Ellana..."

"Then start acting like it. Because I swear, _mom_ , you are running out of chances to be one. " She replied icily, pausing between every word, jaw so tight she could feel it aching. "I'll help Mac get custody, I'll keep her myself, I'll do what I have to do, because mom, I raised that little girl and I love her too much to let her have to fend for herself like I did."

"You want me to apologize for having cancer, Ellie? Is that what you want me to do?" There were more tears now, but at least they seemed genuine for once. "I regret that I couldn't be there for you enough, you know that. I never asked to nearly _die._ "

Of course, it always came around to that. Always came around again. She couldn't imagine how scary it had been, all the treatments, all the surgeries. But for fuck's sake, couldn't she stop using it as an excuse for not being a fucking mother?

It wasn't fair to feel so bad for someone you resented so much. There had never been any fault, no. It had always just been what life was. No blame to be had, no, of course not. Except there was.

There _was_.

"No. I never wanted you to do that. Do I resent you for being sick when I was little? Probably a bit." She admitted, reaching up and raking her hair back, shaking her head. "But that's my baggage, mama, that's my problem I need to work through. You're not sick now, mom, and that little girl needs you."

"I'm still not strong, it's just so difficult. Ellana, you don't understand..."

She didn't understand. Of course she didn't understand, she never understood anything, did she? Rage rose, irritation that had rubbed a fucking bleeding wound somewhere deep inside her, inch by sandpapery inch. Everything was so hard, so hard that she had to raise her own little sister. So hard that she had to figure out how to change diapers, feed a kid only a few months old, a year old. So hard that she had to cry alone in the dark with a baby that she couldn't figure out how to make stop screaming because Mac was working and mum was in the hospital again.

She didn't understand a fucking thing.

"There's peanut butter sandwiches once or twice a week for dinner, and then there's your daughter getting on a fucking bus ALONE and running away halfway across the fucking MARCHES!" She shouted back, hearing the happy chatter behind her going dead silent as she stared her mother down, eyes burning.

It felt like bile in the back of her throat, regret and love and a resentment so thick and old that it was practically part of her down to the bones. The anger of a little girl who didn't understand why the world wasn't fair, why her mom wouldn't stop crying, why she had to scream to get any attention at all. The misery and loneliness, dark nights alone in the caravan wondering if anyone would come home. That would never, _never_ happen to her sister.

She'd give up everything to make sure that didn't happen.

"Mom. Mom, I love you, but I will not hesitate to do whatever I have to do to make sure this never happens again. You can be angry with me if you want, but you will understand that." She could hear her voice trembling, shaking with the force of the fury and hurt behind it. "You will...do better. I am out of forgiveness, and you are out of promises, so I'm gonna make you one. You will do better, or you're gonna end up alone."

She knew it was harsh, but damn it. It was true. She would take Mira and walk away if that's what she had to do.

Silence between them, as her mom lifted a hand and wiped her cheeks. The slight tremble of it made the guilt come back, but she tightened her jaw and steadied her lip, nails cutting into her palms as she waited. Finally Ellie got a slow, silent nod, the eyes falling away from hers and not returning. It wasn't a freakout, it wasn't a guilt trip, it wasn't even more tears.

It was the best she was going to get.

"I know it's hard, mom. I'm sorry we let things get so messed up." Ellie muttered, releasing a hand by force and wiping her own cheeks, breathing in harshly. "I'm sorry I kept shoving in and taking over, I just..."

"It was never your fault, Ellana." Mom replied with a sigh, sounding about as exhausted as she felt. "Ir abelas, sweetheart."

"I don't want an apology, mom. Just take care of Mira, that's all I want. I don't want you to say things will be better, I just want them to be better." Ellie replied, and then succumbed to the hug, closing her eyes.

She didn't really want it, but it wasn't for her. So, she just returned it, trying not to feel too stiff.

There wasn't much more to say.

It didn't escape her notice that mom couldn't look at her any more as they waited for the bus, and then finally got them on it again. Ellie didn't care. Maybe it meant she was actually thinking for once. Letting Mira go was the hard part, really. She hadn't realized how much she really had wanted to keep her until she was watching the bus leave.

It ripped her heart out, a little, to watch her go.

But, well, sometimes life ripped your heart out.

  


  


The trek back to campus was fairly quiet, once they got her to stop thanking them repeatedly. Cassandra and Velanna were talking in the front seat, something about law school, and so she just leaned against Lana and stared out of the window.

When they arrived, they just sort of stuck together, trudging up the stairs and heading to her room, Cass sticking with them. Lyna and Tamlen hadn't gotten back yet. Probably stopped for dinner. She had a feeling Cass was kind of worried, she looked sort of jumpy and upset. Ellie would have asked in the car, but she just needed to be quiet for a bit and decompress.

"I need to call Deshanna. Make sure someone's keeping an eye on Mira." Ellie declared tiredly, already feeling exhausted despite the fact that it was only like five. Completely drained, down to the bone tired. "I'm so sorry, everyone, thank you. Again. I know this was...I can't believe you found her. I am so, so grateful. Seriously, forever grateful, like...name my first born, key to the city grateful."

"We were all happy to help." Cassandra told her shortly, looking more uncomfortable by the moment. "We were..."

"Oh, just spit it out. There's something you're not telling me." She demanded, well, aware of the sidelong look that Lanaya and Cass shared as they trooped into her dorm room after she shoved the door open. "Please. I'm not dumb, and my sister is about as subtle as a kick to the face. Did she get hurt or something and she didn't want you to tell me?"

"Even I noticed." Velanna pointed out dryly. "Not exactly subtle, you two."

"You might as well tell her." Lanaya suggested gently, voice calm and quiet. "I know that he asked you not to, but..."

They shared a look, and she felt her somach plummet as she turned to face them. What did they mean, he? Were they talking about Chaz? What the hell hadn't they told her? Oh fuck, how bad was it?

"Tell me the truth, Cassandra." She demanded, well aware her stupid voice had cracked a little. "I mean, please. If you could, just..."

"It was Solas who found your sister." Cassandra admitted less grudgingly than her protestation would imply, voice calm and blunt. "He was not looking for her, I had not told her she was missing. He only happened across her, she was crying at a bus stop."

Brain blank, she just stared at them for a few seconds, until Cassandra sighed and glanced aside, shaking her head. Lanaya kept watching her, as Velanna wandered over to rest her hip against the desk, arms crossing. When her mind snapped back into focus, all it could manage was that it was _not_ what she had been expecting at all. Really. Solas?

"He just...randomly came across her." She repeated, dumbfounded. "Seriously? That's like the...stupidest coincidence of all time."

"It is fairly implausible, but true." Cassandra agreed with a small frown. "I am sorry, he asked that we not tell you."

"Okay, well...why?" She asked, rather uncomfortably aware that they were being watched, with an almost uncomfortable intensity. "That seems kinda pointless. Was he a dick about it or something?"

"No. I assume because he didn't wish for you to think...he was trying to manipulate you into speaking with him." Cassandra replied uncomfortably. "I think that you should speak to him. Not me."

"I...I can't. I already told him I can't." She replied, turning away, pacing away and rubbing her upper arms, avoiding Lanaya's eyes. "I'm not...I'm not strong enough. He tried, I couldn't. I'm not there, still trying to...whatever."

"Ellie. You can't hear him out? He's trying." Lanaya said quietly, and then smiled when she turned a betrayed look on her. "It's fairly obvious that both of you are hung up on one another. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. At the very least, you could get some closure. It seems like ignoring this isn't working."

"He's sorry." This time it was Velanna that spoke up, and she shrugged defensively when every stared at her in shock. "I am not saying I think she should, or that I _like_ him. I still can't stand him. I am just acknowledging that he is genuinely sorry. And sort of a sad sack."

"Feeling kind of ganged up on here guys! Creators." Ellie declared, taking a step back to lean against the window, letting the chill of the glass sink into her back. "You know, it's bad enough I'm in love with him without all of you trying to convince me to be stupid enough to _listen_ to him."

She wasn't aware she'd said it out loud until the silence dragged on too long and she glanced up, glancing between the pairs of eyes fixed on her. Irritation rose, comfortable and far easier to deal with than the gut-churning uncertainty that was messing with her right now.

"What?!" She snapped.

"You said you're in love with him." Lanaya pointed out, while Cassandra continued staring at her.

Was Cass _blushing_? Oh, for fuck's sake.

"So what? It doesn't have to mean anything." She replied dismissively, reaching up and scrubbing both hands across her scalp, disordering her hair. "Love doesn't mean shit, in the end. It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't change the fact that he...that he thinks I'm garbage. I'm stupid, but not stupid enough to forgive someone who still thinks I'm worse than worthless."

"It's not you he thinks that about, Ellie, it's himself. He's not a bad person, he just has problems. Problems he's trying to work on." Lanaya replied quietly, meeting her angry stare, unflustered. "He's trying to drag himself out of a lifetime of habits. It's a lot of work, but he is trying."

He thought that about himself? What did that even mean? It was her he'd been nasty to, her he'd said and thought all the horrible things about, and...

For just a second, she remembered that stupid conversation where he'd thought she'd only brought him along to make him _pay_ for things. All the miserable brooding, how much he hated going home, how dejected and miserable he was every Sunday. His obsession with the grades, his weird obsession with...

Worth.

Was it really _him_ that he thought didn't have any?

It made a weird sort of sense. Like he was constantly trying to prove something, constantly fighting to keep up the stupid facade, be that asshole she'd finally given up on hoping he wasn't. He kept putting her down at first because he was trying to push himself up or something. Which was what bullies did, and he had been a bully, but so had she. They'd bullied each other, but she'd stopped and he'd kept going.

Because it wasn't her he was fighting with.

"Ellie." Velanna snapped, breaking her out of her reverie, meeting her eyes. "You already know you're going to, why not get it over with?"

"I don't want to get hurt again." She admitted, lifting a shoulder in a tiny shrug, voice wry. "If he's sorry, like, really sorry. If he finally fucking _gets_ it, I'm afraid the stupid fucking part of my brain that's in love with him is just gonna take over."

"Is..." Cassandra began, and then hesitated as she glanced at her, just for a moment before finishing, "Ellana, is that a bad thing?"

"Yes, it's a bad thing! It doesn't change anything! He did bad shit. Bad shit happened, he treated me badly!" She replied, well aware she was talking in circles now, frustration boiling over. "I'm not supposed to put up with that, I'm not _supposed_ to go crawling back! I fuck up everything, I am trying...I am _trying_ to stop!"

Silence again, like no one quite knew what to say, and she pushed aside the little bit of guilt that was making her think that she was causing a scene. She already _knew_ she was causing a scene, thanks brain, she didn't need the guilt. The guilt was the part that told her she was being like her mom, making everything a big deal when it didn't need to be. All she had to do was keep ignoring him.

But...

"This isn't you screwing up, Ellie. Letting the idiot apologize isn't crawling." Velanna finally interjected, sounding both tired and amused. "Creators. I mean, we all know if he's actually figured out why he's an ass and apologizes that you're going to forgive him. It's you."

"Sorry doesn't actually mean anything." Ellie mumbled defensively in response.

"Not everyone is your mom." Velanna replied cuttingly, and she heard Cassandra suck in a quick breath, a half syllable interrupted as Vel kept talking. "Well, it's true. He's already trying, on his own. And it doesn't really have anything to do with you, Ellie."

"It doesn't have anything to do with me." She repeated, not really minding the little jab about her mother. Trust Vel. It was true, wasn't it? That was like...half of her hangup right there. Sorry wasn't exactly a word that meant much to her. "Like, really? He's just trying to get better because he _wants_ to be?"

This time her stare shifted to Cassandra again, who looked torn between irritation with Velanna and confusion herself. Their eyes met, and Cass relaxed, letting out a small sigh.

"I have been hoping...for some time now that he would...turn things around." Cassandra admitted carefully, hands fidgeting together. "Nothing I was saying was getting through, I was...beginning to give up on him. He is my friend, he has been, but I was losing him. He was losing himself."

"I sort of wondered why you hung out with such a jerk." Ellie admitted, and Cass gave a small laugh.

"He is more himself since...you and he argued than I have seen him be in some time." Cassandra admitted, shaking her head slowly. "No. I do not believe he is doing it for you. I believe you were the one who finally broke through to him. He is doing it because he is finally listening to himself, and to the people who care about him."

"I do...I do owe him a thank you, I guess." She replied, irritated to hear her voice choking up, eyes watering a little. "Shit. I guess he could still fuck it up royally, huh? I should give him a chance."

"No. You do not have to." Cassandra denied, shaking her head, though Ellie sardonically noted she looked more hopeful than anything else. "Not unless you want to."

"I've always wanted to, that isn't the problem, it's just that I'm..."

"A self-destructive pain in the ass." Mahariel remarked from the doorway, arms crossing under her chest as Lanaya glared at her. "What? You're in my room! I got tired of waiting in the hall!"

"No, Lyna's right, that's exactly what I am." Ellie agreed, sighing and scratching her fingers across her scalp. "And I've been fighting so hard _not_ to be that I literally don't trust anything, and I..."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Ellie, just text the stupid douchebag.  You're overthinking it so much you're just making it worse." Lyna interrupted irritably. "It's like a soap opera in here. Get out of my room, every single one of you, and Ellie, just...just don't let him feed you any bullshit, okay?  Don't let him fuck you around."

"You really think I should?" She asked pathetically, trying not to be and failing utterly.

It was sad how much she wanted them to say yes.

Which they did, resoundingly in Cass and Lanya's case. Vel just shrugged and rolled her eyes. That was good enough for her, honestly, enough to make her turn around and go booking it out of the room, heading for the stairs. She probably should have said goodbye or something, but she was too busy making a break for it. It was a wonder she didn't snap her neck pounding down the stairs.

Just please... _please_ let him be really sorry, for the _right_ things.

She couldn't remember the last time she wanted something so much in her life.

  


  


**Ellana**  


17:11 I'm ready to listen

17:12 I wasn't before I know but

17:12 I am now if you still want to

 

1 _7:35 You are?_

_17:36 I haven't done anything to pressure you. Nothing I have done has been to try and pressure you._

_17:36 That is not why I have done anything at all, I promise you. I don't know what you know, but that isn't why._

17:39 I know

17:40 Besides I think I owe you a thank you will you please meet me at the fountain b/c honestly I'm already out here and its cold so just tell me no if you gotta so I can go home

_17:42 Yes. Yes I will be right there._

  


_17:42 I will be right there_

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience with me catching this back up. The story is now current, and will update tomorrow between 6pm PST and 10pm PST.


	30. Chapter 30

Because the universe had a shitty sense of humor, halfway to the fountain it'd started raining.

And, because Ellie was dumb, she'd taken off without a jacket. The two combined gave this whole bullshit just the right amount of ridiculousness, but on the other hand, being cold was helping keep her awake. She'd barely slept last night freaking out about Mira and dealing with her mom, and today had been exhausting. Probably the worst possible time to go haring off to see if the guy she'd dumped had figured out how to people yet, but she was just loopy enough to think it was a good idea.

Ellie was kinda afraid that in her right mind she'd decide not to.

She was waiting in the rain, pacing in an attempt to stay as dry as she could. There wasn't much light, a circle of it around the inactive fountain, and she followed the edge of it, arms wrapped around herself. She was so tense she was thinking about barfing, or crying, or some combination of the two, nerves already high when Solas finally showed up, after just a couple minutes that felt like centuries.

Her mind went blank as he slowed, approaching the fountain from the opposite side as he appeared out of the darkness, hands in the front pocket of his sweatshirt. She knew she was supposed to say something, but she couldn't remember what the hell it was.

"Hi." She finally managed, awkwardly, shoulders lifting.

"...Hello." He responded quietly, keeping his distance.

A few seconds passed, maybe a minute, as they looked at each other. He seemed a little tired, she noticed, and tense. Well, understandably. Eventually she realized she was staring, and forced herself to speak again.

"Cassandra...told me." Ellie admitted, dragging herself word by word into the damn reason she was here. "Sorry, I didn't...umh..."

Silence again, awkward silence, time slipping by a little too slowly for her taste. The rain was ice cold and just kept coming down, and she folded her arms around herself to try and block out the chill as it sunk in. Finally he inhaled, opening his mouth for a few moments before speaking.

"I thought it might have been your sister, actually." He said quietly, expression unreadable.

"No. She was...she was trying to make sure Cass didn't tell, actually." Ellie admitted, laughing under her breath humorlessly, "I think she...well, that's how I figured out something was off. She was giving her the eye..."

"I may have told her she didn't want to tell you who had found her." He replied, voice going a little wry, and then stilted, apologetic. "She seemed aware of...she seemed to realize things between us were...ah...she asked if I was the 'boy that made you cry'. And then...expressed her displeasure."

"Oh no." Ellie groaned, lifting a hand to her forehead. Not embarrassment, just...oh, Mira. "Did she punch you in the balls or something? Dammit, I'm sorry."

"Stomped on my insole." He admitted, with a hint of tired humor.

"Sorry. I taught her some...well, I worry. She's only supposed to do that if someone grabs her, sorry." Ellie managed, though she was fighting back an exasperated, tense laugh. "Holy shit, Mira. I can't...I can't believe you found her. Seriously."

"I was as shocked as you no doubt were." He said, a hint of life returning to his voice. "An incredible coincidence. I am...I am glad I could help."

"Thank you." Ellie said, gratitude overwhelming everything else, until she had to blink back a few tears. Throat tight, achingly tight, she dropped her eyes. "Thank you so much. I can't...I can't even start to tell you how fucking grateful I am. She means everything to me."

"You are welcome." He replied quietly, and she heard the quiet scuff of his shoes as he turned around. "Good night."

Abruptly she jerked her head back up, staring at him as he started walking away. Wait, he was just going to go? Just like that? Panic rose, and she took a few steps after him, quickly stumbling around the side of the fountain.

"Solas! I'm listening!" She called, lifting her voice in a rush, feeling it catch. "I...I know I wasn't before, when you wanted to talk, but I am now, if you...Well, I'm listening."

She saw him pause, shoulders slumping before he straightened up, shaking his head slowly as he half turned back towards her. With a sniff, she wiped rainwater from the end of her nose, forcing herself to meet his eyes.

"That isn't why I helped. It wasn't...it wasn't a ploy. It was just the right thing to do." He said, frustration in his voice fading as she laughed, lifting a hand to wipe her eyes. "What?"

"I...I know. Velanna told me what you've been doing." She admitted roughly, and saw him frown. It wasn't a thoughtful one, he actually looked upset, which stalled her excitement, turned it wary. "Sorry, I mean...I asked, I guess. I didn't mean to..."

"You mean what I am trying...to do." He replied, still a bit stiffly, the frown lingering. "I have not done anything yet."

"Yeah, well...better than most people would do." She said sardonically, and then shrugged her shoulders, trying to fight back the disappointment at his distance. "If you don't have anything to say, I mean...it's..."

"No. No, I do. I owe you a proper apology." He decided, but still with a guarded expression, taking another step back from her, putting more space between them. "A real apology. Before I was...overwhelmed, and you were not ready to listen. I am sorry about that."

"I was the one who practically threw myself at you and then shoved you away." She responded, shrugging her shoulders again, a defensive little movement. It felt kind of dumb to minimize that whole mess, but she was starting to feel sort of afraid...afraid that he wasn't on the same page as her.

She'd been feeling so brave before, with everyone telling her to go listen to him. It hadn't crossed Ellie's mind that maybe he just wanted to clear his conscience and walk away for good. Either way though, forgiving him was the right thing to do if he really was sorry, but...

What if he didn't care about her the way she cared about him?  
  


  
  


  
  


This was agonizing.

Everything felt like manipulation, which was why he hadn't wanted her to know about her sister in the first place. The last thing Solas wanted was for gratitude to influence her choosing to listen to him or not. And she knew about it all, when he had tried to keep it from reaching her. Guilt lingering, he tried to gather his thoughts as she stood waiting, eyes fixed on him.

He couldn't meet them, couldn't let her see the emotions he was fighting to keep in check. He had already influenced her more than he was comfortable with. Letting out a quiet sigh, he closed his eyes for a moment and simply started speaking. Calm, measured, don't play on her kindness, don't try to make yourself sound pitiable. Just give her the simple truth.

A simple truth twisted up in heavy layers of emotion and hurt, and the weight of his own issues with his family. Still, he would do his best to be rational, even if it was his heart he was exposing.

"All my life I have been...trying to be someone else. You were right, in so many ways, when you said there were two of me. I was...throwing myself away on people who saw me as nothing more than a tool. Who see me as disposable." His voice cracked for a moment, but he forced it steady, forced himself not to let it break him. He wasn't trying to get sympathy. "I never...saw myself as being in any way superiour, which is why it was so difficult for me to see what I was doing to you. The way...I treated you was..."

He heard her exhale, heavily, almost sounding annoyed, but he forced himself to continue. He couldn't blame her at all if she did not believe him. He wouldn't have believed himself either. All he could do was try, and be honest. There was no room for hope in this.

"I have never in my life been treated with as much care and honest affection as you showed to me, even in such a short time. And I was not worthy of it." He told her quietly, words bare and heavy with emotion. "I took it, and you, for granted because I could not face the truth. I could not bear that I would never...gain their approval. I spoke words...espoused attitudes of the man who I thought they would care about because I was desperate for them to care about me. Not a good man. Not a man who treated you the way you should have been treated."

The question of if he was or wasn't a good man, that was a struggle for another time. He had not acted like one. Not when it came to her. He hadn't valued what she had offered to him when it was what he had wanted all along, because it wasn't what he had been told was worthwhile. Letting out a quiet sigh, he forced himself to continue, shaking his head slowly.

"No matter how things began...it became more than that, and somehow the person I practically...fought my way into bed with was caring more about my happiness than my family ever had." It was beginning to feel as if he was drawing it out, but he hadn't had time to prepare, and she needed to know that she knew he truly was sorry, and for the right reasons. "You made me smile more than I believe I have in a very long...perhaps in my whole life. You challenged me, you defied all my expectations, you...I was so caught up in expectations I had built for myself, worthless things I had placed all of my value in, that I...I ruined a chance I had for real happiness. It was never your worth I was questioning, but my own...and my values."

It was difficult to continue, with her eyes shadowed in the darkness when he finally tried to meet them, leaving her features unreadable, enigmatic. She had her arms wrapped around herself against the rain, and it was all he could do to avoid intruding on her space, to try and quell the light shiver he could see in her shoulders now and again. After a moment, he steeled himself to do what he had been trying to avoid.

Finish it, and know the moment was gone and out of his hands.

"The things I said to you that night were wrong, and how I had treated you was wrong. I was so caught up in what I was told a person should be that I did not appreciate the person that you are. I did not deserve your kindness, and I did not value it until I had lost it. I was wrong." He admitted, lowering his head, avoiding the eyes that were fixed on his still. "I am sorry, for everything. Thank you for listening to me."

He immediately turned, and began to walk away, feeling both relieved and reluctant all at once. It was a retreat, and a hasty one, but he would not...he could not stay. He had promised himself, he wouldn't try to demand or expect anything from her. He came to give her an apology, nothing more, because it was what she deserved from him. It was hard, however, not to beg her, not to demand to know what he could do, what lengths he would have to go to in order to earn her forgiveness.

No. That would be unfair to her. He had done it before, and that had been intensely selfish of him.

She had listened, it was more than he deserved, it was more than...

"I was wrong, too." She abruptly declared, voice quavering for a moment, the edge of a sob hastily swallowed. "When...when I said you weren't a good person, I was angry and I was...I was wrong."

"I've hardly proved anything to the contrary." He replied, stopping with his back to her, shoulders lowering. "I've done...I have done nothing. I am...Ellana, I am _nothing_. Without them, without all of this..."

His arm swung wide, cutting through the relentless, cold rain, gesturing to the stupid, insular world around them that he was beginning to hate. He had rejected her because she wasn't supposed to belong here, he rejected her because he was...jealous. That was it, wasn't it? She didn't need to fit in, she never had, she was everything he wasn't. She was free, and he'd chained himself to all of it in the hopes it would give him some happiness, as it was supposed to. As everyone _told_ him it was supposed to.

"Dummy." She replied after a few seconds, the word a sigh of sheer exasperation. "You are...you're Solas. That's not nothing. That's...it's _everything_. Everything that matters, anyways."

"It doesn't feel like much as of late. I apologize, I didn't come here looking for sympathy." He admitted, shaking his head and lifting a hand to wipe at the corners of his eyes. "I did not come here looking for anything, Ellana, I promise you. I did not mean to manipulate you."

"No, you're not. I know you're not. Ugh, I'm not saying it...damn it, I forgive you." The answer came after only three steps, words tumbling in their haste, a hint of a tired laugh in her voice. "I...forgive you. Of course I forgive you, and it's not fucking manipulation or...pity. You get it. That's all I ever wanted, was for you to just...just _see_. Just open your dumb eyes and see, and I...of course I forgive you."

Shock stalled him, leaving his mind blank, heart in his throat as he stared blankly into the darkness. It took endless seconds to break through, a breathless, pained little laugh from her shattering the profound silence of his mind.

"You do?" He asked dumbly, and was strangely relieved to see she was crying as he turned to face her, tears gleaming down her cheeks in the artificial light. It at least meant it wasn't a trick. Guilt immediately followed that thought. "Just...just like that?"

"You're sorry. I believe you, so...yeah, I guess so." She replied, lifting her shoulders in a shrug, and then raising a hand to her face. "Just like that. Forgiveness doesn't fix anything, but it's a place to start, I guess."

_It doesn't mean anything more than what she's said. Don't push her._

The sudden thought intruded as his weight was shifting forward, stalling him even as his chest tightened in protest. All he wanted to do was close the distance, wrap his arms around her, but it would be assuming far, far too much. It hurt, the shift of his weight away, but he couldn't force anything, not now.

"Thank you." He replied, hoping his voice sounded steady as he stepped back, bowing his head. "I will do my best to be worthy of it."

"I've tried." She blurted out before he could turn, lifting a shaking hand to wipe her cheek, making him all the more painfully aware that she was shivering. "I've been...trying to forget you. Really hard, actually. I've done everything I could think of..."

"I did not apologize because I was attempting..."

"I know! I wasn't...saying you were, I wasn't saying anything really, except that I can't. I...I've been trying, and I can't."

She shrugged, and as she took a half step forward he could finally see her face in earnest. A half smile, pained and heartbreaking made her eyes more vulnerable than he had ever seen them. She never let herself be so open with him, always so guarded. It hurt, it felt invasive.

"I just can't get over it, but that's dumb, and I'm dumb. But I still don't quite know how." She declared quietly, lifting both shoulders this time in a more defensive shrug, shifting restlessly. "I keep trying, and I...I can't trust you, I can't trust anyone. I don't know _how._ I'm like...the furthest person from perfect ever, I know I'm a huge pain in the ass, and I literally suck at trusting people, so..."

"All I wanted to do was apologize, I didn't ask that you...get over anything, I am not demanding your trust." He replied, shaking his head, trying to fight back the hope that returned, threatening to break free. "Please, I haven't asked anything."

"I know. You keep saying it over and over again, I know." She replied, lifting a hand and raking it through her wet hair, twisting it to the side violently. "I never thought you could do it, you know. Actually try, I mean, I never actually thought you could, and I...I don't know how to believe that people can change. But I want to...I do, I really do want to believe you."

"Why, Ellana?" He asked simply, the painful hint of hope refusing to leave.

Silence between them, conflicted on her end as she turned and paced off into the darkness. He almost thought she had gone, and then she appeared again, emerging back into the light, eyes avoiding him. She let out a sigh, pushing her hair back from her face, and then held up her hands pleadingly as he took a step forward.

He was desperate for her to say something, anything, but she seemed to be fighting it. A broken laugh, and she turned away, pacing off once more, hands flexing and gesturing restlessly, as if she was arguing in her own head. As she disappeared, both hands caught in her hair, twisting as she breathed in sharply.

When she turned back, he knew it was tears on her cheeks and not rainwater, spilling down to drip from her chin. The vulnerability was back, but her jaw was tight, mouth a line as she lifted her chin and her hands in a gesture of helplessness.

"I love you." She admitted, not a surrender but a challenge, as if daring him to respond. As he stared at her, she shook her head, continuing more earnestly, almost frustrated, "I don't _know_ what that means but I know that I love so, so..."

"You...you love me?" He interrupted her, he knew he had, but the words had lodged in his mind entirely to try and find some other meaning than the obvious.

How could she?

 _Why_ did she?

"Yeah. I guess. I love you, and I forgive you, and I don't...maybe I'm a sucker for forgiving you, or if I'm just being blind and doing it _because_ I love you, or I..." She stammered, losing that strength in uncertainty, reaching up and raking her wet hair out of her face, eyes restless. "Or it means I'm just gonna get hurt again, or if it means I'm just...stupid, but...I don't know what it means. I don't even think there's a straight answer because I'm pretty sure that's not how love works."

Staring at her blankly, trying to fight the need to protect her against the shivers that wracked her body, he struggled to find a modicum of articulate truth. His tongue had failed him once before, he couldn't let it again.

"I want...I truly hope that you are not wrong to do so, and I...I will continue trying..." And yet again, words failed him, hands restless as they fought his mind, a mind far too occupied with trying to hold back his own emotions. They had no place here. "I never...I never want to hurt you again, Ellana."

"You're probably gonna, but who cares? I'm probably going to hurt you sometimes, too." She replied, but with a hint of laughter that was a bit strained. "People hurt...people hurt each other. That doesn't mean it's...am I reading you wrong here or something, because I kinda feel like you're pushing me away here."

"I have done _nothing...nothing_ to deserve your kindness, or your love. I have fought to repair the things I have damaged without success thus far, I have...seen things I have fought my whole life to ignore. I have earned nothing." He admitted quietly, shaking his head slowly, lifting a hand to wipe the rainwater from his eyes. Difficult to fight back now, is resolve crumbling more and more by the second. "It is as I said before, you showed me...things I never knew I was missing. I know that I ruined everything, my words are worthless, it is only...no one has ever cared about me the way that you did and...that is ridiculous because we spent so much of our time fighting, but it is _true_."

"You stupid...I don't love you because you got the points on the scoreboard, I don't love you because..." A laugh, too broken to be mocking, exasperated. "That isn't what this is. This isn't about deserving. That isn't what this _ever_ was. Solas...you don't...you never had to do anything to deserve me, dummy."

A pause, and she breathed in sharply, the look on her face so vulnerable and uncertain once more that it hurt. Still, it wasn't her eyes, but the little crack of her voice that undid him.

"Don't...don't you want me?"

"Of course I...I did everything, said everything wrong, and you said no." He replied, almost panicked as he took a step closer, hands lifting. "Please, Ellana, I was...I deserved it. You were right to, I treated you horribly. Of course I want you, Ellana, but I have done things so wrong."

"You did, but you didn't get it. You say you do now, that you're figuring things out, and I guess I'm willing to take the chance. You've been trying, and I...I'm not saying no now..." She replied, tearful, breath catching, her words strangled by it. "I'm here, and I'm not saying no. All you have to do is ask. All we have to do is try. I'll try to trust you, okay?"

Silently, he lifted his eyes to hers, hope warring with fear as they met. Her own were full of tears, a pained smile on her lips that deepened as they gazed at each other. Again, somehow her conflict gave him hope, just enough to make him speak once more. She meant it. It wasn't easy, she wasn't running into his arms, she wasn't feeling sorry for him.

She was giving him another chance.

"May I...may I please try again? Will you give me an opportunity to do things right?"

She breathed in, shuddering, and then blindly nodded, hands extending to him as the tears spilled down her cheeks. He couldn't wait for her to say it, couldn't wait for anything else, not with her arms opened to him. Rushing forward, he bridged the distance and scooped her up bodily, relieved when he felt not the slightest ounce of resistance.

He pulled her up and into his arms, her own twisting around his neck as she buried herself in against his shoulder, the light shudders of her body more than mere cold shivers. It didn't feel completely right, he wasn't a better man, he hadn't made everything right. He didn't deserve her, but she was here, and he could be grateful for that.

The trembling of her body grew harsh, but she was laughing through the tears, and he remembered when he had hated that she was always laughing. When he had been jealous of how easily she had smiled, the freedom in everything she did, everything she said. He had hated it, without understanding that the only thing keeping him from that happiness was his own mind. His own damned, stubborn mind.

Her laughing mouth went still as it met his, tears warm, rain cold as he cradled her cheek, held her like the precious thing she was. He wanted to comfort her as the warmth spilled over his thumb, trailed down to the cup of his palm, but she was wrapping herself around him, pulling him in tighter. He could feel his pulse in her trembling lower lip, finding a rhythm with hers, bringing him back to life inch by inch as she kissed him.

She loved him.

Somehow, despite it all, despite his blindness, his arrogance, she loved him.

He'd pulled back, or maybe she had, her eyes bright despite the darkness, his thumb brushing more tears from her cheek. Ridiculous to admit it, but before he hadn't actually realized how much he had truly missed her. So obsessed with fixing things, with untangling himself, the sudden ferocity of the need and longing came to the forefront all at once, pushing everything else aside.

He leaned down, and she sighed quietly in a stutter as his forehead met hers, eyes closing. He couldn't close his, not for fear of losing her and the moment, but he smiled reverently as he stroked her cheek, brushing back strands of clinging hair.

They were wet, and she was wet, and abruptly he realized that the flush in her cheeks was making him underestimate how cold she was. When she shivered, violently, it dragged him back out of the moment, concern for her taking over.

She was chilled, wet and clammy as he cradled her in against him, worryingly so. She protested wordlessly as he set her down on her feet, arms trying to tighten as he pulled back. Stripping his sweatshirt over his head broke her hold, and she made no more than a muffled a sound of confusion as he pulled it over her head. It took a moment for her to find her way out of it again, some flailing before her head popped free, sleeves pulled up until her hands were tugged out.

When she came out glowering, he couldn't help the smile, her own expression instantly melting to match it. Her hands lifted, and he obediently lowered his head to let her cup his jaw, thumb stroking over his cheek. He turned in to her palm, planting a soft, slow kiss, and then letting out a breath against her skin.

"You are here?" He asked quietly

"I'm here." She agreed tearfully, voice catching as she inhaled roughly. "I'm here."

The words grounded it all, brought him back again to notice the scarlet end of her nose, the little shudders that wracked her. He'd been so selfish.

"You are freezing." He declared disapprovingly, frown fading as she laughed, the sound easing some of the ache in his chest. "How have I missed you this much, vhenan?"

"I'm sneaky." She replied, smile turning impish, before she paused and canted her head, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. "Vhenan? Really?"

"Does it bother you? I suppose...it is a bit old fashioned." He allowed, a bit embarrassed it had slipped out without meaning to. "I..."

He stopped when she shivered harshly again, arms wrapping around herself. Without his sweatshirt himself, he was starting to get uncomfortably wet as well, and soon would likely be as bad as her. The rain was relentless, and so cold that he couldn't imagine why it wasn't snow.

Snow would have been kinder.

"Let us go somewhere else so you can warm up. Back to your dorm?" He asked, and then sighed when she flung herself in with a shake of her head and buried her face against his chest, his arms tightening despite his laundry list of reservations. "I don't...I want to give you whatever space you need. I want to do things _right_ this time, Ellana."

"All done with space. Less space." She replied grouchily, clinging when he tried to pull back, fingers twisting in his shirt. "Negative space. I'm being dumb, let me be dumb and dive in face-first because I'm freaking terrified and I just want to keep moving before it all catches up and gets ruined again."

Another trembling shudder had his arms moving before his mind caught up, and he scooped her up, arms tucking under her rear end as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Impossible to say no when she twisted up around him, legs around his waist, and he didn't want to. He just thought that he should. It seemed like the right thing to do, but then again...he'd proven he was terrible at knowing what that was.

He had a feeling from what she'd said that she felt much the same. They both knew they shouldn't be so impulsive, and they were going to be, regardless. Both of them exhausted in their own ways, giving in for now.

"Are you going to walk?" He asked, not particularly minding her weight as he turned away from the fountain, starting off through the sheeting rain. It was warmer than he would be otherwise, the cold starting to sink in. When she shook her head, he just sighed, trying to sound annoyed and failing. "Where are we going?"

"Your room. I just...I just want to talk. I had the day from hell." She muttered, and then gave a little laugh, warm breath spilling against his neck. "First time I've ever said _that_ to you."

"I've missed you." He murmured, a fierce surge of protective passion tightening his grip, leeching into his voice. "I promise. I will do everything I can to make sure, to prove I will never hurt you like that again. Anything."

"Shh." She ordered, freeing an arm to press her fingers against his lips, the command turning to a little caress. "Forgiven means forgiven, okay? You don't gotta...I'm not going to do that to you."

"Give me time to get used to the idea." He replied quietly as her arm slid back around him, wondering if he ever would. People just...forgiving one another was a difficult concept to wrap his head around. Some well-trained part of his brain kept telling him she didn't mean it because she hadn't made him suffer enough yet to earn it. "Not being able to trust my own mind is upsetting."

"My poor wolfie." She sighed, both the words and the surprisingly tender lilt in her voice almost stalling him, if not for the little shiver that followed them. Instead he just nuzzled down to press a kiss to her covered temple, and kept walking. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure what all has been going on, but it seems like it's been rough."

"It has been. Revelatory in the worst sorts of ways." He agreed simply, trying not to focus on that, especially not the new information about his aunt. "Don't feel too badly for me, I kept my eyes fairly tightly closed. I deserved everything you threw at me."

"Oh, I'm not debating _that_. You for sure did. D'you want me to walk?" She asked, and then laughed when his arms tightened around her. "Really. I know there's probably a get-together tonight, you're gonna walk right through the middle of it carrying me?"

"I do not care what anyone thinks." He replied, and somehow found it was true. "You seem exhausted. Are you all right?"

"It's been a long life, wolfie, which I know is dramatic." She murmured softly against him, and then sighed. "I just wish things wouldn't keep going to hell."

"When I discover how to make life easy, I will let you know. For now...I'm just grateful you're here." He admitted quietly, and then smiled at her faint 'mhmm'. "It seems so strange that things have ended up like this, considering where we started from."

"You want to pick a fight, for old time's sake?" She asked faintly, continuing instead of waiting for him to respond, "I'll start. Snob."

"Degenerate." He retorted easily, and then chuckled as she pressed a kiss to the side of his neck. "I thought we were fighting?"

"Mmh. Did you forget? The kissing comes after the fighting." She reminded him, and then laughed, a warm flutter of breath against his skin when he gave a faint 'ah'. "Man, what a kiss that was. You ruined all my favourite masturbation fantasies, you know that? All I could think about was your mouth."

He wasn't sure why he was embarrassed, by now he was well aware of her propensity for trying to shock him with her bluntness. Still, the flush remained as he cleared his throat, enduring her drowsy, mischievous chuckle against his neck.

"You are all of mine." He responded smoothly, and then fell into contented silence as she laughed.

"Nice one, wolfie. Well played." She murmured, and then went quiet as well as they left the fountain behind, her head cradled against his shoulder.

  
  


  
  


The quiet was nice to try and sort her head out a bit, even though it wasn't long of a walk. Eventually Ellie managed to get Solas to put her down, but he wouldn't let go of her hand. Fair enough, she supposed, and didn't fight it. Her brain was still going a mile a minute, even though things were more peaceful and less emotional, already second-guessing every second of the last hour. Had that been the right choice? There might be no way to tell right now.

She was happy, at least. That had to count for something.

Part of her was relieved that it wasn't a party tonight, just people hanging out watching a hockey game. When he led her in through the front door, they got a few glances but not much else. Not like Ellie was worried about wandering in with him, but she wasn't really in the mood to get sidetracked. And for once in her life, not up for attention. Shocking, that. Her? Not wanting attention? As her brain started to slow, the exhaustion crept back in, making everything a little hazy. She really hadn't slept at all last night.

She had a feeling that her tiredness was obvious, because the glances he kept casting at her were starting to get a little concerned. When she cracked a yawn halfway up the stairs, the violence of it combined with the chill made her shudder. Hard.

"We need to get you dry." He decided firmly, tugging her the last few feet and then opening the bedroom door for her, finally releasing her hand. "Give me a moment."

Confused, she wandered into his room as he headed up the hall, lifting a hand to rub at her eyes. The familiarity of the space was comforting, same as it always was. Desk covered in books, walls weirdly bare, and the bed...well, no, that wasn't like always. There was a big, empty black suitcase sitting in the middle of his bed. She stared at it uncomprehendingly, until she heard him wander back in behind her.

"Towel." Solas informed her succinctly, dropping it on her head as he slipped in, closing the door firmly. "Let me get you something to wear."

"Please. Shit. Thank you for not mocking my stupidity. I can't believe I didn't wear a jacket." She sighed, scrubbing the towel against her scalp as she slipped out of her shoes. "So damn cold."

It didn't help that she was soaking wet, making the chill all the worse as she toed off her wet socks and then peeled off her pants, reluctant to take off his sweatshirt. And not just because it smelled like him. It was huge on her. There was something comforting about a shirt so big that it could eat her alive, especially if it had a hood. Maybe she could sneak it out with her.

Before heading to his dresser, he moved and took the suitcase off of the bed, tossing it on the floor. Even though he glanced her way, she wasn't really up for asking right now. No. Not now. As she dropped her wet jeans on the floor, grimacing as they clung to her on the way, he tugged open a drawer.

"I don't think any of my pants will stay on you..." He murmured, digging through it. "Will you be all right with just a t-shirt, vhenan?"

The damn endearment he kept using sort of made her a bit embarrassed. It was ridiculously old-fashioned, and a bit schmoopy. Then again, for some reason it sort of suited him. Which was weird. So bizarre to have come to realize that her asshole fratboy was actually a big old sentimental nerd. It was such a damn relief to finally feel all the pieces of him fit into one whole person, not the stupid split personality from before. She'd decided to believe it, and she had to keep doing it and let time handle the rest. If she was being stupid, hopefully she'd notice.

"Yeah, sure. Once I get into bed, it'll be fine." She agreed, leaving the towel draped over her head as she stepped closer to accept the plain black shirt from him. "Thanks."

"Give me your things, I'll put them in the laundry so they will be dry tomorrow." He ordered her, and then smiled as she narrowed her eyes at him, reaching out a hand to drag the towel off of her head. "Don't even pretend you were going to try and go home tonight."

"Listen, just because we were apart for a while doesn't mean I'm gonna change the status quo." She informed him scoldingly, rapidly getting to the 'pleasantly loopy' stage of exhaustion. "You know the rules. No cuddling, no sleeping over, and no being seen together in public."

"Rules were made for breaking." He said decisively, reaching out a hand and grabbing the sweatshirt and her soaked-through sweater as she flung them at him. Luckily, he was distracted enough that her bra hit him square in the face. "I...Ellana!"

"Think fast." She replied belatedly, pulling the shirt over her head and turning for the bed. "Shit, I could cut glass with my nipples right now."

"Interesting mental image. Try to get warmed up, I will be right back." He replied wryly, door opening and closing as she slipped under the covers.

Still cold, but at least semi-dry, she snuggled into his t-shirt with a contented sigh, pulling the blanket up to her chin. The uncertainty in her mind had been silenced for tonight. She'd shoved it somewhere into the back of her brain in a little box. It could come back out again once she'd gotten some sleep. The suitcase having been on the bed was kind of bothering her, too, especially with the expectant way he'd looked at her. She didn't really feel up for discussing that, though.

The occasional burst of dudes watching sports noise from downstairs was weirdly soothing, though that might have just been the drowsiness talking. She let it lull her into a half-doze as seconds passed by, eyes nearly slitted closed as he returned to the room and immediately started stripping. He'd done her laundry before getting dry himself. That was...kinda sweet, actually.

"So. Nice nose." She murmured contentedly, making him chuckle halfway through pulling his shirt off. Vision a little hazy, she admired the lines of his back. "Sebastian mentioned it a little. The other guy got it worse, right?"

"Falon'din? For now. Until he gets it surgically corrected." He replied, surprising a small drowsy laugh from her. "He ah...pushed me a bit too far when I was in a bad place. Satinalia eve, actually."

"Aah." She declared, and then gave a frustrated little sigh when he pulled on a new t-shirt. "Boo. Less clothes."

"I was under the impression that you only wanted to talk." He pointed out, and then chuckled when she made a rude noise. "You are exhausted, love, and I..."

His eyes, fixed on her face, turned a little puzzled, hands pausing in undoing the front of his pants. Cheeks flushed, she just shook her head and pulled up the blanket over her face, trying to hide her sudden burst of embarrassment. It didn't mean anything, he'd just let it slip out, that was all.

There was silence for a few moments, and then the sound of his pants hitting the floor. Her grip on the blanket was tight enough that he had to tug a bit to get her to relinquish it. Eventually he dragged it down to under her chin, and she peered up balefully at his face that was much, much too close.

"What?" She asked, pretending to sulk.

"I love you too, Ellana." He informed her, and then smiled and tucked a finger under her chin as she stared blankly at him.

"Don't say it just because I said it." She protested, but weakly. "You can't...just..."

"I love you." He repeated carefully, deliberately, and then smiled as she scowled, leaning down. "Are you going to do that every time?"

Her response was delayed by a kiss, soft and slow and far too short. He seemed reluctant to do much more than that, which she had a feeling was because she was so tired. Or maybe because he was being all weirdly paranoid about pushing her. Maybe both.

"Probably." She admitted when he pulled back, fighting back the surge of adoring pleasure, ground grudgingly given as he pulled the blanket back further and nudged her over. "I guess we should talk."

"You should sleep." He countered, and then chuckled faintly at her scowl. "But we can until you do. Your sister is...incredibly intimidating for an eight year old. She must cause you no end of trouble."

Scooting over a bit in the bed, she let him claim her spot, skin clammy as he tugged her in. She was still shivering, and it only made sense that they tangled up together, her toes tucking around his calves. He was so warm in comparison to her that it was impossible to resist. She melted against him as his arms cradled her, her head fitting neatly under his chin. Finally she felt herself relaxing, bit by bit, breathing him in. Whatever fabric softener he used, she sort of needed to steal it.

"This basically tops everything so far. I've never been so terrified in my life, I think. I...raised her. Which sounds weird, but it's true." She admitted in a murmur, ear pressed to his upper chest. "Mom...mom had cancer. She was sick for a long time, and Mac works on call, so...I got stuck with her a lot."

"You were...ten? Eleven?" He asked, and then sighed when she nodded. "That is a lot of responsibility."

"Yep. She's...attached. And they're getting divorced, so...bleh. It's all just sucky, and she's too smart for her own good." Ellie admitted, grateful for the simple response, voice going a bit breathily high as his arms tightened around her. The sudden surge of exhausted awareness was almost funny in her near-delirious state. "Holy fuck...I missed you so much. How the hell have I missed you this much? How is that even fair?"

"The feeling is mutual. Though I am worried you will regret this in the morning." He admitted quietly, cheek tucking against her forehead.

"Maybe a little. Mostly because...this feels like the thing I'm not supposed to do." She murmured, and then gave a small, shuddery laugh. "I've been trying so hard to do the right thing...do things right, you know? Not screw up. No more big mistakes."

"I will do everything I can...to not be a mistake. I promise you. I realize words don't mean a great deal to you, but I will prove it to you. Thank you for giving me the chance." He finally replied, quietly, fingers stroking through her hair. "Ellana, you are exhausted. I can hear it."

"I want to talk. We need to talk. I dunno what about, but there's supposed to be...talking. We need to make sure...we're doing the right thing." She protested drowsily, and then gave his hand a little smack away from her head. "Stop it, you're going to make me pass out."

"Yes, all part of my evil plan to make you sleep in my bed at last." He murmured, tilting his head to press a soft kiss to her temple. "You will notice, that this could technically be called cuddling."

"Fuck you." She muttered, and then smiled slowly as she felt him laugh. "Smug fratboy."

"Given the choice between fratboy and wolfie, I will have to request the latter, though I really would prefer neither." He sighed, rolling on his back and tugging her with him. She followed, after a token mumble of protest and a small shove. "You really don't get any better than this, do you?"

"You love me. No takebacks, sucker." She replied, warmth in her stomach as she let the words escape, and then sink in. It was nice, but hard to believe. "You really love me?"

"As...as far as I can tell." He admitted, and then sighed so heavily that she managed to drag her worried gaze up to his face. "I am in the process of questioning everything, Ellana, but right now it feels more real to me than anything else does."

Taking a second to contemplate that, she finally decided that was okay with her. Sounded like he was going through a lot...which she would probably pry at him about later. Right now, though, she was just too damn tired to give him proper attention.

"Works for me." She decided, pushing off the concern and shelving it with the rest of the junk. Her brain-shelves were getting kinda full. "I mean, when I realized I was in love with you I just got mad."

She felt him laughing before she heard it, a smile touching her lips as she enjoyed the sensation. It always felt like a victory when she managed to make him laugh, especially now. It was funny how it'd taken forever to realize that's why she kept it up with the dumb jokes and goofing around even though he acted like he was above it all. Making him happy was...nice. Plus he did that little almost-snorty thing that she didn't realize she was in love with until she heard it again.

"Yes...that sounds like you." He agreed at last, giving a sigh as the humor faded from his voice, leaving it relaxed. "I am not going anywhere, and I'd rather speak when you are all here. Go to sleep, we can talk all day tomorrow."

"You'll be here when I wake up?" She asked, not entirely sure why she did it, or why her half asleep brain was scared he wouldn't be.

Silently, he freed a hand from the blanket and extended it, palm facing towards her. Curiously she lifted one of hers to meet it, fingertips nudging against him. He curled his fingers inwards as her hand slid up, lacing them through hers securely, and then let their joined hands fall to rest against his chest. For once, she was happy to have him holding her hand.

"I will be right here." He promised simply, and she was grateful that was all he said.

It took her no time at all to fall asleep, listening to him breathe.

  
  


  
  


Everything was quiet in the room despite the gathering downstairs, a distant, quiet murmur of television punctuated by the occasional person passing down the hall or a celebratory shout. He was feeling so remarkably content that it was enough to signal the paranoid part of his brain that suggested something terrible was about to happen.

Ellana was sleeping against his chest.

Her face was mashed in against him, lips pursed cartoonishly, and he was fairly sure she had actually drooled on him a bit. She'd never looked so beautiful, as far as he was concerned. Torn between the desire to wrap himself around her, and fear of waking her, he held himself back. No, he couldn't risk the thought that she might decide to leave. His t-shirt slouched low on her arm, exposing the back of her shoulder. He hadn't had the focus to stop and admire her tattoo before now that it was healed, and he idly traced a fingertip over curling tendrils and stylized flowers. Somewhere between art nouveau and stained glass, the sinuous curves of the design occupied his attention until his touch made her shiver. He wondered what else she had planned for it.

Flattening his hand against her back, he leaned down to plant a small kiss on her forehead, and she settled again.

He wondered if she would try to deny it if he informed her in the morning that she was currently clinging to him quite fiercely, fingers twisted around his, legs wound around one of his thighs. It hadn't taken long for her to pass out, but she had been exhausted. He was as well, in a way that had little to do with sleep, but he wouldn't trade these moments for anything.

It had been twenty minutes, and he was considering sleep himself despite the earliness of the hour, but there was just something far too comforting and peaceful about this moment to not enjoy it. After all of that, all it had taken was trying to set things right and being honest with her. Humbling himself. And she had forgiven him.

Even if somehow he had managed to repair things before, her whole-hearted, earnest forgiveness and understanding had been more than he had ever expected. Forgiveness was conditional, it always had been, and he'd thought it always would be. But she'd simply opened herself up and accepted him, and somehow chosen to trust him, and he wasn't quite certain if he had ever felt so whole in his life.

That was the thought that followed him into contented sleep, everything else distant and unimportant now. Halfway through stroking her hair, his hand fell limp, and he drifted off.

She was here, and anything was possible.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience <3 All my love.


	31. Chapter 31

**Mira's Phone**  
  


07:44 Dad is mad

07:45 Everybody is mad

_08:03 They're gonna be mad for a while bug bug_

08:05 Its not fair ಠ~ಠ

_08:06 Bugs its very fair actually :/_

08:06 (≖︿≖✿)

08:06 (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

_08:06 It's true is mom doing ok??_

08:06 She called lots of people

08:06 She made me pancakes

08:06 She burned the pancakes and Aunt Patty did them

_08:07 At least she tried bug_

08:08 I like it better when you here

_08:09 I'll be home for spring vacay it'll be like no time at all_

_08:09 Did you really stomp on a boy for me??_

08:10 (∪ ◡ ∪)

08:11 Yes

08:12 I stomp the boys

 _08:12_ _I taught you that to defend yourself not stomp ppl_

_08:12 But he's actually ok we made up_

08:12 (¬_¬)

_08:12 IKR but it's true :)_

08:13 (¬_¬) (¬_¬) (¬_¬)

08:13 He has no hair

_08:13 MIRA_

08:14 I gtg eat

_08:14 Tell everybody I say hi_

08:14 No hahahhah (σ≧▽≦)σ

_08:15 Dork_

 

  
  


**Lyna Mahariel**  
  


_08:12 Sorry I forgot to text I wouldn't be home last night I know you said to text when I'm out_

08:13 Knew where you were.

08:13 Kind of obvious, Lavellan.

_08:14 Yeah IDK I was so tired he tried to take me to the dorms but I was just so tired and tired of everything_

_08:14 I feel kind of guilty tho_

08:15 Ah. There it is. I'm not your mom, Ellie.

08:15 Not going to absolve you of your guilt.

_08:15 Lol well I don't have one who gives af so your nominated now_

08:16 Yeah. Ellie. I don't know.

08:16 You know as much as I do I like bossing you around.

_08:16 But??_

08:16 Situation seems a bit more complicated than that. You know better than I do if it's good or not.

08:17 Maybe I was too harsh before.

08:17 I was worried about you. Seemed like you had something to prove, and seemed like he was the worst possible person for you to get tangled up in.

08:20 Vel says he's a snob and a mope but if anyone can cheer up a mope it's you, Ellie. Lanaya likes him. Granted Lanya likes everyone, but she's not a sucker.

08:21 Just didn't think I'd ever see you with someone like him.

_08:22 I've been scared_

_08:22 Really scared :/ like over my head I am worthless what am I doing here I don't belong here scared_

_08:23 Maybe I did have something to prove b/c I thought he felt the same as me maybe I thought I was proving something by making him accept me or something IDK but_

_08:23 Hes not like that after all and like you said if I work hard then I DO belong here_

_08:24 Its kinda confusing tbh all of it really even him_

08:25 Talked it out yet?

_08:25 I was too tired and he's asleep on me right now he's heavy :P I escaped partway but not all the way_

08:26 You are strange. What is still confusing you?

_08:26 IDK Lyna you know me :/ love doesn't cut it I'm afraid that its basically doomed to fall apart b/c we're so different I want to try but is it for me or is it for him??? You know how I do_

08:27 It's not enough but it's a good place to start. You're good at hard work.

08:27 If anyone can do it, it's you. Just try not to work so hard that you neglect yourself. You deserve to be happy, idiot. We just get protective because we know how you are. One hit of the waterworks and you fold. Make it way too easy to hurt you. We don't want you to get hurt.

_08:28 I'm not crying your crying_

08:28 I don't cry, Lavellan.

08:28 I make other people cry.

_08:29 :)_

  
  


  
  


Solas awoke to something being dropped on his shoulder, hard and cold, but followed by a fluttering kiss to his cheek and a whispered apology with the edge of breathless laughter to it. It was enough to soothe the shock, but the kiss promised sweeter things that dragged him into consciousness.

He became aware that the alluringly soft figure pressed against him was in fact partially underneath him, as if somehow he had pinned her in sleep. He could blame that one on a fear she would slip away from him again, but it was enough to embarrass him as he awoke slowly, hand tightening against her hip. He breathed in as he pulled himself out of the pillow, tilting his chin against her shoulder, feeling the edge of a smile as his nose nudged Ellana's cheek.

"Ir abelas." He murmured against her temple when he found it with his lips, and felt the shiver underneath him as she laughed. "Have you been awake long?"

"Almost two hours." She admitted breathlessly, giving another little laugh when he sighed and finally opened his eyes. "I've been playing my game, I stole your charger. You're fine, wolfie. It's nice to lay in bed for too long sometimes."

"Sunday." He murmured against her skin once he had searched his memory to ascertain the day of the week, relief coursing through him. He didn't have anywhere to be but here, for now. "Well, there are donuts downstairs, more than likely, or waffles."

"You could go get some." She replied, voice suddenly guarded.

It took him a few moments to catch up, mind sleepy and far too satisfied to try and navigate the remaining thorns between them. She was so soft and warm and sweet, and all he wanted to do was burrow in against her neck and breathe her in, wrap his arms around her and hold her. But life demanded more, and he struggled to find his mind again.

"I don't know what you prefer, I would rather you came with and chose for yourself." He replied as he pulled back a bit, and was relieved to feel her relax. "I am so sorry I have made it so you cannot trust me. I don't think I can ever apologize enough for that."

"I don't wanna go downstairs." She admitted wryly, and this time it was him that laughed, a faint chuckle as he settled back against her shoulder. "I want to shower, be served donuts in bed, no coffee. I'm gonna eat in your bed and you're going to deal with it, and tell me I'm pretty. Tell me how much you missed me."

"Shower first." He suggested, and then added both because it was true, and to possibly work on filling up his quota, "You are very pretty, and I missed you."

"You are too, and let me finish this level." She countered absently, eyes flicking away from her phone briefly to flash him a grin. "I'm almost done!"

"I reluctantly submit." He murmured, already nuzzling in against her neck even as he asked, more out of manners than any desire to be away from her, "Would you like me to give you some space?"

"Nah, I've had enough for a while." She replied, mouth tugging up again into one of those lopsidedly charming smiles he was so fond of when he met her eyes. "Just don't go fucking up again, huh? I'm pretty sure it's my turn to screw up everything royally. That's usually my job, anyways."

"You have...a very long way to go before you meet me on my level of destruction." He muttered, and she let out a faint 'heh' under her breath. Trying to avoid thinking about it, he burrowed in against the skin bared by the slouch of the t-shirt she wore, intensely grateful that she was here all over again. "I love you."

"Yep, you said that." She offered breezily, and then laughed at the small 'hmph' that escaped him. "Okay, I you that thing too."

"You me that thing too?" He repeated, dumbfounded, pulling back to glower playfully at her innocent grin. "Forget what I said, I take it all back."

"Okie doke. Do I still get a donut?" She asked, turning her attention back to her phone, poorly hiding a grin. "Because I am _hungry_."

"You didn't eat dinner. You may have as many as you like...provided there are any left by the time we get to them." He agreed, lazily lifting a hand to untangle her hair from one of her earrings. "Did you get your ears pierced again?"

"Seven's a good number." She said absently, and then laughed as he examined the new one. "Be careful, it's still healing."

"I leave you alone for a few weeks, and you're even more of a degenerate than before. What am I going to do with you?" He murmured, peeking around at her phone screen.

"Get dragged down with me, because you love it, you rebel you." She replied, feral grin fading as he reached down and snatched at her phone, eyes finally pulled from the screen to him as she yanked it away. "Hey!"

"You finished your level a while ago." He pointed out, and she pouted, sticking out her lower lip. "Don't tempt me. I haven't brushed my teeth, you do realize."

"Bleh, right." She agreed, shifting her phone back in reach and and turning it off. "Okay, okay, okay. Shower time."

"Shower time." He agreed, rolling off of her and pulling up to sit, reluctant in the extreme. "And then breakfast."

"And then sex." She declared contentedly, grinning impishly as he glanced over his shoulder at her. "What? You think we're not going to?"

"I think we are going to talk." He countered softly, and then chuckled as she heaved a long, irritated sigh. "We should take some time, love, and..."

It was hard to verbalize his thoughts with the sardonic look she was giving him over her shoulder, and the fact that he didn't particularly want to say no to her. He simply felt he should. Things had started...very sexual, but they hadn't been anything else. He didn't want her to think that was all he wanted from her, and he didn't want any of their old habits to creep back in.

He wanted things to go right.

"We're going to shower together." She pointed out, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and pulling up, making him all too aware of the way his shirt slouched off of her shoulder and bared her legs. "But please, go ahead and keep talking about how you're not going to get distracted."

"I am the one with self-control." He informed her, fighting to keep his frown as she laughed at him. A welcome, free sound, trying his composure. "Let me go make certain the closest bathroom is free."

"Mhmmm." She replied in a lazy murmur, smirking as she opened the door for him, stepping back with it. "You go right ahead, mister self-control."

It was hard to stifle his smirk when she yelped at the slap to her rear end in passing, and he wandered down the hallway, her return attack so close that he almost felt it go by. Leaving her glowering, he continued on his way, only glancing over his shoulder when he made it to the bathroom.

The small smile of victory faded as he caught her eyes, and she raised an eyebrow slowly, arms folded under her breasts, making the shirt ride up her thigh.

Maybe it would be a little more difficult than he'd anticipated.

  
  


  
  


Ellie had never considered herself a particularly teary person. She hated them, actually. Mom cried too much, that was always the thing, and usually because she wanted something. Tears were for getting people to feel bad, getting people to do what you wanted. As a kid, every time she'd start crying, mom would just start crying louder, so at some point she'd just...stopped.

Except lately she'd been crying a lot. But this one, this one was a new reason.

She'd been good in the shower, because he'd been kind of giving her signals that he actually wasn't interested right then. Hard to be, when naked, but his hands had been good, so hers had, too. He'd been weirdly hands-off all this time, which she could blame easily enough on his trying to 'do things right' as he put it. Fine. She could be patient for a bit.

And then they'd started talking, which had put all thoughts of sex out of her brain entirely. Especially as he carefully, distantly dissected the bare bones of his upbringing for her. Explaining himself, keeping himself away from the memories he was relaying. It was sad. Heartbreaking, even, to think of the way they'd treated him, kept him apart, made them all fight each other. It was gross.

And the loneliness hit some part inside her that understood, way too much. A deep, old part that hadn't ever really gotten a chance to heal, especially not with the new stuff with her mom so fresh.

So, apparently, she'd latched on and started bawling.

"Vhenan, it's all right." He reassured her gently for about the third time, trying to pry an arm out of her grip.

"I'm going to fight them." She declared, probably more pathetically than she meant to, sniffling. She sounded freaking pitiful, but she wasn't sad. She was mad. "I'm going to seriously kick all their asses."

"Please don't pick fights with my family, love." He sighed at her, though he sounded oddly pleased all the same. "May I have my arms back?"

Reluctantly, she eased up on the death grip, but only a little, allowing him to slide his arms free and hug her back. That was better, even if she hadn't wanted to let go enough to get it. His arms were nice, warm and secure, making the whole talk a little easier to bear.

"They're not family, they're assholes masquerading as family." She declared sullenly, trying not to let it bother her that he stiffened a little. She got it, she did. It was hard as hell to own up to the fact that her mom was kinda screwed up, she couldn't imagine dealing with your whole family being awful. "You're so much better than that shit."

"I haven't exactly been." He replied dryly, and kissed her forehead when she glanced upwards with a scowl. "Enough frowning."

"Well then you _can_ be better than that. Don't talk like that. Yes, you got...sucked in, but that doesn't make you a bad person." She insisted, indulging in the intensely protective mental state she'd found herself in. He wouldn't even defend himself, so she might as well do it. "I'm surprised you managed to pull yourself out at all. You're amazing, you know that?"

"I would not...go that far." He mumbled, tucking his cheek against her head.

"I would." Ellie retorted, arms tightening around him as he leaned over and sprawled out on his side, rolling her over with him. "What a mess. I can't imagine being a kid in that..."

Protective instincts surging, she tightened her grip around him and burrowed in, trying not to cry again. It was hard not to, thinking about him growing up without people telling him they loved him. Being expected to fight for every single scrap of attention, every bit of approval. Was it any wonder he'd gotten so screwed up?

"I know we said that we would discuss it, but I think it is best if we leave it here." He murmured, sounding almost annoyed. Worried, she pulled back and stared up into his face, until he sighed and closed his eyes. "I feel uncomfortable with you defending me. And...getting upset."

"Okay, well...I can't not be upset. Because it's crummy and unfair, but I can try...to stop talking about it. " She started, trying not to just brush him off, though all her instincts said she should. "I realize you're pretty deep in right now, trying to make things right and everything, but like...I told you I forgive you and that's that, so...I'm not gonna kick you when you're down, I'm gonna try and lift you up. That's my job."

"And why is that?" He finally asked, tilting his head as she cleared her throat awkwardly. "I wasn't aware we signed some sort of contract."

"Well, I mean, you could say no or whatever." She replied carefully, really wishing there was an easier way to do this. Then again, when had they ever done things the easy way? "If you wanted to. Just...I don't know. I didn't really think casual was gonna work any more. Does it?"

Silence from him, thankfully a quiet, thoughtful silence rather than annoyed or upset. That and he was doing that thing where he was playing with her hair again, and she liked that, even if it was kinda tangly and his fingers kept catching in knots. Finally he blinked, and glanced down at her, their eyes meeting.

"Are you my girlfriend?" He asked, a little bemusedly.

"I guess so, if you want me to be. I'm not good at...that thing, but I can give it a shot if you want me to." She agreed instantly, relieved that was what he was hung up on, and not the other parts. "Guy I hatefucked into liking and then broke up with and got back together with and am in love with is kind of a mouthful. You okay with shortening it?"

"I don't believe I have ever been more 'okay' with anything in my life. Yes." He decided with surprising ease, lowering his head to rest on her shoulder, letting her push both of her feet between his thighs as he curled around her. "Tell me about what I've missed? I would prefer not to speak about that mess any more right now."

"Oh you know, just me questioning all my life choices." She muttered with embarrassment, and then sighed at his curious look. Reaching for the hand playing with her hair, she tucked her cheek against it as he willingly twisted his long fingers up with hers. "I...regret not going to art school. A lot. But, on the other hand...I think I might be able to find something to do with myself here where I could do some real good."

"You will always be an artist, love. I am permanently stuck with your art now, after all. You have at least one...two indelible canvasses." He pointed out, and she smiled wryly, lifting her other hand to idly trace fingers over his shoulder. "What sort of good?"

The question stalled her, and her hand went flat against his shoulder as she bit back an instinctual shrug. No, it was a fair question, and just because she was feeling weird about it didn't mean he didn't have a right to ask.

"Maybe a therapist? I don't know..." She replied, suddenly feeling a bit uncertain about it all, words tumbling over one another in their haste to backtrack. "I mean, what right do I have to like...tell people what to do or anything, when I'm so fucked up? I mean, I..."

"Vhenan." He interrupted quietly, and she let out a little sigh, feeling the knot in her chest easing. "You are not. At all. No one is perfect, but are you certain? It is hardly...an easy career."

His quiet, bare words still lingered in her mind, telling a horrible, emotional story as if he were laying out the facts of someone else's life. Being second-class, being a stranger in his own home. And she'd been teasing him about that awful name they'd stuck him with. A reminder that he didn't belong.

Was it any wonder he'd been so prickly about it?

That poor little boy.

Hard not to think about the little girl in the caravan alone, too, wondering if someone would come home. Wondering if she really was such a burden to everyone around her, if she really was responsible for making her mom happy. If she was the reason every time mom was sad.

"No, I'm not sure, but I want...I want to help kids." She declared a little awkwardly, blinking back tears that burned uncomfortably. "I want to make sure that I help kids...so that they don't feel like no one cares about them. So they're not alone."

Silence from him, his hand stroking soothingly over her tangled hair, pausing now and again to gently ease out a knot. She blinked back a few tears, only one escaping to be caught by his thumb and softly stroked away. It was easier to hide, for some reason, so she did, burying her face against his chest.

"It's dumb." She muttered.

"It is not even remotely so." He countered, and then chuckled, but there was no humor in it. "A far better and nobler goal than...corporate law, vhenan."

He sounded so weird that she couldn't quite process it. Almost...pissed? Not at her, but just pissed in general. She'd heard him angry before, but this was different, deep and tired and old, and it made her uncomfortable. So, she just started rambling, trying to redirect the conversation from whatever sore spot she'd found.

"The umh...career counselor said I might have to do a whole lot of extra work to get into the Master's program." She murmured, trying to stick to the facts of it, frowning slightly. "And then I'd have to decide if I wanted to do _more_ years of school..."

"You have time." He murmured quietly, that...bitter note in his voice remaining. Yeah, that's what it was. Bitterness. "And the freedom to change your mind."

The suitcase at this point was just hanging in the back of her mind, waiting for all the little pieces to click into place enough that she could feel ready to address it. Right. Well, she supposed he had a reason to be bitter, it's not like he'd ever made any choices for himself, had he. And the suitcase...

He hadn't stayed for _her_ , had he?

"I know you were leaving." She murmured, and felt him stiffen slightly. "I don't want you to stay because of me, if what you want is to go."

"I cannot waste all my hard work. It was...I was not thinking clearly at the time." He replied, a bit hesitantly, and then gave a heavy sigh, hand shifting to rub her lower back. "Running away isn't the solution, vhenan. It just seemed so...it seemed very easy. So simple."

"Hmmh." She replied dubiously, and then pushed it aside in favor of the part that seemed fixable. "Okay, so what i _s_ the solution?"

"I would rather you did not have to..." He started, and then paused as she irritably interrupted him. Pulling back, he peered down at her as she scowled up at him. "Did you just...growl at me?"

"You're not alone." She replied succinctly, reaching up a finger to jab at the tip of his nose. "This isn't a shove down in your gut and brood over thing. They're horrible, you don't want to deal with them any more. You say you don't want to quit school, fine. Okay. Can you do something with your degree that doesn't involve being the family litigator?"

"Yes. There are plenty of places that will hire me on the basis of my degree alone, provided I pass all the examinations." He replied, still not sounding terribly pleased with the prospect. "If I am even capable of disentangling myself from my family...it may be a lost cause. There are things that are done, and there are things that are not..."

Okay. Well, getting completely free of Mister 'That's Not How We Do Things' all in one fell swoop was probably a bit much to ask. Her heavy sigh interrupted him, and he glanced down at her, flat expression fading again.

"Do you want to?" She asked, bulling onwards, but trying to keep her voice from getting brusque. He nodded, reluctantly, still seeming uneasy. "Okay, so. Maybe that's the place to start, then."

"I had been planning to legally change my name back to my birth name." He admitted, and then sighed, tilting his head against her shoulder as he stretched out. "I was holding back from doing so, for fear of alienating my family."

"Okay, well, fuck 'em." She declared firmly, which finally roused a smile from him, albeit grudging. "I know it's hard, wolfie. Hey? But it's a place to start, right?"

"Hmh." He agreed quietly, sounding calmer. "Yes. You are correct. It is a place to start."

"One thing at a time." She agreed, feeling herself relax in response, offering another smile down to him. "You'll get free."

His only answer was a quiet 'hmm', so withdrawn and contemplative that she started to get fidgety. No, no more brooding.

She wouldn't allow it.

"And then I'll fight them all. Starting with you." She decided firmly, grinning as his gaze snapped back into focus and fixed on her.

"Starting with me?" He asked, with vague disbelief. "I thought we had done all our fighting, vhenan."

"No I'm gonna fight you until you think you're awesome.." She replied firmly, balling up a hand and lightly bopping him on the shoulder. "Punch all the sad right out of you."

"Punching feelings does not work, no matter how many charming little scowling faces you make." He informed her, but the smile was back on his lips. When she came in for another bop, he caught her hand and lifted it to kiss across the back of her knuckles.

"I'm scary." She replied loftily, as he tucked his cheek in against her hand. "I tried to actually fight someone once in my life. Marissa, in fifth grade. She told me I didn't have a dad because nobody liked me."

"I doubt anyone could fault you for fighting over that." Solas replied, once his instinctive cringe eased up. "What an absolutely horrible thing to say."

"I slapped her across the face and she started crying, and then I started crying." Ellie admitted, remembering the memory with more fondness than she recalled last time she'd dredged it up. "I didn't even care that much, because I knew that it wasn't true, but I was just so flaming mad...anyways, that was my one stab at being a brawler. She got pregnant our Sophomore year of highschool."

"Ah, classic. A life well lived is the best revenge, after all." He asked mildly, and then frowned at the odd look she gave him. "What?"

"She's a pretty damn good mom, actually, and she's happy. She's living a happy life, and that seems like a well-lived one to me. Sure, it's not ideal, but..." She replied as mildly as she could, trying not to take the snobbery too personally. He didn't really get it. He was sheltered, even if they'd been shitty to him, she had to try and remember that. "What I was gonna say is she mellowed out a lot after having a kid. I saw her not long before I moved here, she was pretty pleasant."

Silence for a few seconds, and she glanced up at him curiously, watching his face. For a second it looked like he might be avoiding her eyes, until he finally sighed and offered a hint of a chagrined smile.

"Habit." He said succinctly, and then shook his head. "There seems to be a rather vicious part of my brain, vhenan."

"I figure it's probably pretty easy to slip back into, huh? Well, you'll just have to work on breaking the habit." She replied comfortably, and then added, "But if you start that shit on me again, love or no, you are in deep fuckin' trouble."

"Noted." Solas agreed, and then sighed and tugged her in a little closer, arm around her waist. "I do want...to break the habits."

"Good." She decided simply.

About five minutes later she realized they'd both fallen into silence. It was quiet and comfortable, his cheek against her head, her ear pressed to his upper chest. The quiet was nice, and not just because they'd been doing a lot of talking. It was impossible to screw up.

Things weren't completely better, which sucked, but she'd tried to remind herself that wanting to be better didn't automatically make him better, just like how wanting to work harder didn't mean she would. He was sorry, and saw it was screwed up, and that was the first step.  The sour thoughts from that little interlude were pretty easy to put aside.

But the idea that he was going to leave and didn't because of her? That one bothered her, and it seemed determined to stick around.

She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

 


	32. Chapter 32

His mind had been so clear about an hour ago while they were enjoying their very late breakfast. Solas had planned out the conversation in his head, and the steps they would take to begin rebuilding things. Things would be different this time, after all. He had never really considered being in a relationship apart from Victoria, and that had been her dictating all of the steps. This time, finally, he could do things properly. Taking things one at a time, making sure they didn't fall into the same traps, the same mistakes. Make sure he treated her as she deserved to be treated, not how he had been raised to treat people.

There was no reason to hurry things along, after all.

Unfortunately, the part he had forgotten to account for was the one that undid it all.

Ellana being Ellana.

"I just think...that we should take...our time. I worry that if we rush things..."

"I'm listening." She promised faintly and far too smugly, not even bothering to hide it. "Except you're kind of squishing me."

"I worry that if we rush things, we will make a mess of them." He murmured against her bare, sweaty shoulder, breath caught a bit more this time, though his chest was still heaving a little. "Fall into old habits. There is no reason things...need to move so quickly. Is there?"

"No, I guess not." She said, voice more strained by the moment, though it hadn't dampened the humor. "But I kinda need to repeat that you're squishing me."

"Shh." He silenced her shortly, lifting a hand and pressing his fingers to her mouth. "Stop talking, we are having a discussion."

When she started laughing drowsily against his hand, he gave a long-suffering sigh and finally rolled off of her, falling onto his back on the bed. An arm draped across his face, and he tried to remember how to breathe again, listening to her laughing. Hard to pretend be disapproving while she was, especially when she started trying to stop it and failed utterly, mirth escaping in little helpless bursts. It was ridiculously endearing, especially when it became so forceful that she started using her hands to try and keep it back.

It was hard to find the motivation, but finally he pushed up and staggered to his feet, moving to the bedside table to clean things up.

"I attempted to tell you that _before_ you seduced me, you know." He complained as he threw away the condom, more for effect than out of actual regret. "We were going to have a quiet day. Possibly go for a walk to get lunch. Watch a movie. Go down to the waterfront."

"Do you want to watch a movie?" She asked, voice strangled between small shivers, going back to laughing in full at his dramatically exasperated sigh.

"Not _now_." He replied, fighting back his own smile as she pulled a pillow over her face and kept laughing, kicking her heels against the bed. "It is far too late now, you've ruined everything."

Impossible to fight much longer, eventually he gave in and laughed with her, shaking his head in defeat. Not much breath to do it with, it wasn't long before both of them collapsed with a sigh, falling into content silence. He turned his head slowly, meeting her eyes as she peeked out from under the pillow, hair a complete mess.

"I need to be punished." She informed him impishly, grin deepening as he scowled at her.

"I have no idea how to do that. You are so ridiculously contrary that anything I try you will enjoy." He pointed out, and then leaned down and kissed the end of her nose. "I love you."

"I should have known." She sighed, letting him push the pillow aside as she peered at him from behind her hair. "That you would turn out to be a complete soppy nerd."

"Soppy, am I?" He inquired thoughtfully, musing over the little insult. It didn't sting, they never did.

Even when she would bicker with him, before, and try to fight off his attempts to be affectionate, it had never bothered him. A lot of it was show, bluster and sulking, not real reluctance. When she wanted him to stop something, she would say so, clearly and concisely, and he hadn't realized before how much he valued that about her. It gave him security, knowing that she would be honest with him and wasn't playing games.

She was forthright, in a way he was wholly unfamiliar with.

He enjoyed the teasing, he was coming to realize in their new and much more amiable relationship. Someone being playful with him, needling him just for the fun of it and no other reason. Her words weren't attacks, not real ones, but an invitation to tease right back.

"Mmmh. You know you are." She sighed, sprawling back against the pillows and spreading her arms. "C'mere, wolfie. I know the rules."

"Ah, how things change." He retorted, returning to the edge of the bed, folding his arms across his chest and staring down at her. "Does this mean it is my turn to complain and refuse to be affectionate?"

Sometimes these games were more difficult than other times, this being one of them. He had a feeling she was aware of that fact, because the once-over she gave him was as deliberate as the slight arch of her back as she stretched her arms out a little wider.

"Uh huh, sure." She replied with a wicked little smile. "That's what this is, we're switching."

The smile was suspicious, but he hadn't planned on refusing from the start, and that wouldn't change it. He already knew it was a trap.

"Well, I am afraid you will be disappointed." He replied, planting a knee next to her hip as he leaned over her. "Because I have no intention of complaining."

"And I don't plan to go down without a fight!" She replied, far hand abruptly grabbing one of the pillows and swinging it at his head.

A sound tactic, if he hadn't been expecting it. Instead, he caught the pillow midair and pulled it out of her hand, tossing it casually off the bed as he descended upon her. Unfortunately for her, it seemed as if tactics might not be her strong suit, as she was defending her face. Expecting him to go in for the kiss?

Well, she may have gotten that part right, but she'd failed to anticipate where he'd planned the assault.

She may not have been feeling like going down without a fight, but he was quite happy to do so.

  
  


  
  


Solas had dozed off in the middle of his second round delayed post-sex snuggle, which Ellie was pretty sure meant she could get out of the next few sessions.

That was how it worked, wasn't it?

Normally, a guy falling asleep on top of her would have been an insult. At the moment, though, she was just grateful he was getting some rest. He'd sure slept like the dead this morning, and he hadn't been done when she'd accidentally woken him up. Besides, what else were Sunday afternoons for? Except...yeah, right. He had that crappy family dinner thing tonight that he seemed determined to go to.

She really didn't want him to.

At least this time she'd gotten out from under him, though he had one of her arms held captive, lying face-down in a pillow. She'd been idly browsing the internet for maybe a half hour or so, when she realized that the day was getting on a little bit, and she didn't know when he needed to leave.

Letting him sleep through it just because she didn't want him to go was just a dick move.

Stretching out and setting her phone back on the nightstand, she folded herself back in and flopped her arm across his bare back, leaning down and nudging her nose against his tattooed shoulder. She waited for a second, but got no response, so she started kissing her way up to his neck, which finally elicited a shiver and a mumble as her lips brushed against his skin.

"Wolfie..." She murmured against his ear after making her way up to it, "Wakey wakey."

He turned his head at last, one eye cracking open blearily to peer up at her. She fought back a smile, leaning in again until the tip of her nose met his.

"Hey, sleepy." She greeted, tilting her cheek against his hand as he pulled it out from under the pillow to cradle her cheek. "Have a good nap?"

"Yes." He sighed, and then lured her down for a kiss.

It was brief, and a bit on the sloppy side, but considering he was still probably half asleep, and not normally a tongue and slobber smoocher, she didn't feel like complaining. When he released her, she slumped more fully against his arm, trailing fingers down his side.

"Sorry, I didn't know when you needed to go to hell."

"Hell?" He asked as he rubbed the corners of his eyes, but answered the question just as quickly, sounding more coherent. "Sunday dinner. Yes. Thank you for waking me, love."

"You needed the nap. Sleepy wolf."

"What time is it?"

"Just after four." She replied, and he sighed, closing his eyes tightly until the bridge of his nose crinkled. She ran a finger down it until he relaxed. "Bad sign?"

"Five minutes of not discussing it." He replied simply, and then kissed her cheek when she nodded in agreement. "Thank you for spending the day with me, vhenan."

"Am I even allowed to be over here this much?" She asked, tilting her head as he ran his fingers through her hair, twisting it up and away from her neck. "What?"

"You have a birthmark on the back of your neck, right at the hairline. Did you know it was there?" He replied, letting go and then catching a few strands wrapping them around his fingers lazily. "And...no, not technically, but no one cares. Should we get an apartment, vhenan?"

"Were you planning to win the lottery, or just go renting an apartment with the money of people you don't even like?" She replied tartly, and then laughed at the frown he gave her. "You weren't serious, were you?"

"Yes and no." He admitted, making her scowl slightly. "But not this year. Is it so strange that I would be thinking about it?"

"Solas...you big dummy." She replied, pushing up on her hands, ignoring his vaguely offended look. "We have literally been together for less than twenty four hours. Yes, that is strange."

"Hmm. Well, the instant we start doing anything normally, please do let me know." He replied, unflustered again, draping the piece of hair across her nose. "I will adjust accordingly."

She blew it away, glared at him until his little smile finally won her over. Relenting, she rolled her eyes to the side and flopped back against him. They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, as he played with her hair and she stared contemplatively at the ceiling.

It was nice to just have a few quiet minutes, listening to him breathe, enjoying the idle stroke of his fingers, the light tug against her scalp soothing. Her mind, though, was starting to come back on, and it was really resenting the fact that he just decided automatically that he had to go to this dumb dinner that would no doubt make him freaking miserable.

"Don't go tonight." She demanded drowsily, and he gave a long sigh, arm falling over his face, her hair sliding from his fingers. Scowling irritably, she reached up and pulled on it. "Doooon't."

"I _have_ to." He groaned, but let her pull his arm away, his hand slinging behind her neck and tugging her in. "I don't wish to go either, vhenan, but I have no choice. Not going would make things far more difficult."

She let him pull her down for a kiss, but pouted against his lips so he knew she was annoyed. He tried to lure her into kissing back, but eventually gave up, releasing her and sprawling back against the bed. She tried not to grin, and failed.

Annoying him was still fun.

"I won't be more than a few hours." He promised at last, tapping the end of her nose, making it wrinkle. "I promise you. Then I will be home, and bothering you until you agree to come stay the night again."

"I have class tomorrow." She pointed out, flopping down and curling against his side, tucking her head against the curve of his shoulder. "Don't be selfish."

"It is not selfishness." He replied contentedly, arms sliding around her waist, snugly secure. "You did say my bed is nicer than yours. I am simply trying to share."

"Spoiled. I stay over one night, and all of a sudden, you're a spoiled brat." She groused, feeling him chuckle underneath her ear. "What time do you have class tomorrow?"

"I'm always up before you, because I text you and it takes you hours to respond." He pointed out, and she gave a snort, smiling faintly as his fingers threaded lazily through her hair. "It is true, you never text me back before nine."

"Maybe I just can't stand you in the mornings." She replied impishly, and then abruptly yelped at the slap to her ass, eyes widening. He averted his gaze, poorly hiding a grin. "What is with you and the butt smacking today? You want another broken nose, punk?"

Apologetically, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead, hand giving her rear end a small pat.

"One broken nose was enough." He said mildly, "No thank you, vhenan."

"I kinda like it, actually." She mused, reaching up to carefully examine the new bump. "It's cute."

"Cute." He said dubiously, eyes meeting hers. "This is going to be like the freckles again, isn't it?"

"I liked your nose before, but I still like it. Just has a little more character now." Contentedly slow, her voice quieted as he leaned over her, shifting her off of his shoulder and into the cradle of his arm, resting his forehead against hers. Her fingers wandered away from his nose, idly following the much fainter freckles along his cheek. "Hey. How you doin', wolfie?"

"Everything is better with you here." He replied in a quiet murmur, making her heart do that annoying little flutter thing he seemed to be so good at causing. "I realize you do not want me to go, but I can do it, vhenan, I know I can. I promise you, I won't get dragged in, I won't let them bait me or make me angry. I will go there, eat, and then come home to you."

"Stubborn butthead." She murmured, and then let him tease her lips open with the tip of his tongue, willingly drawn into a lazy kiss.

The backs of his fingers wandered down her jaw and tucked under her chin, a little caress he kept up as he pulled back, giving a small nip to her lower lip, letting the skin slide from his teeth slowly. His smile seemed almost regretful, and not very happy at all, and she frowned at it until his fingers slid up and tapped her mouth reprovingly.

"Don't do that, I will survive. I just have to avoid causing any problems for now, while we sort through this." His hand wandered up to stroke through her hair, brushing it back out of her face, tucking it gently behind her ear. "One step at a time, one...battle at a time. It's a big war, love."

"The drive is like...thirty, fourty minutes?" She asked, and then nodded when he nodded, giving a long sigh. "So you should be leaving like..."

"Five is probably wise." He said, and then gave an irritated sigh. "It is the latest I can afford without drawing attention. Normally I leave around two."

"And we need to shower again..." She murmured ruefully, a laugh spilling over her words as he groaned and buried his face against her shoulder. "So we're basically out of time."

"It appears so." Solas mumbled against her skin. "You will still be here when I return, won't you?"

"I'm not goin' anywhere." She answered, leaning down to whisper it against his ear, nose nudging affectionately. "Promise, wolfie."

"Then I will survive."

The sigh that she watched in the lift and fall of his shoulders spoke volumes, as did the way he collapsed against her afterwards, the tight hold of his fingers. He was exhausted. Ellie was pretty sure he'd been tired for a damn long time. It was just a thing people said, surviving. Surviving the day, surviving a class, a family gathering, a holiday...whatever. Mostly they said it with a laugh in their voice, a joking victory against a minor annoyance.

He said it like a prayer.

"You're gonna do more than survive, wolfie." She promised, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and resting her cheek against his head. "You're gonna live. And be stupid happy."

His only answer was a desperate tightening of his arms around her.

  
  


  
  


17:52 I miss you.

_17:53 Ditto_

17:53 No, you are supposed to tell me you miss me more.

_17:54 I AM??? Shit I fucked it up abort relationship abort abort everyone to the lifeboats_

17:55 I wonder why I try, I really do.

_17:55 WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST SAVE YOURSELVES_

_17:55 Oh the HUMANITY_

17:58 Are you done?

_17:59 Never let go Solas..NEVER.....LET....goooooo_

18:00 Done yet?

_18:01 NEVEr LET GO!_

_18:02 X_X_

18:03 What is that horrible bloated corpse? Oh, it's only my girlfriend. She's incapable of not driving a terrible joke into the ground.

_18:05 Hehe I'm your girlfriend_

18:05 I am easily suckered in, I fear, by clever and disarming intellect, and a charming and vibrant personality.

_18:06 Also you like my butt :P Make me blush why don't you_

18:06 I've only just arrived and already I want to turn and leave.

_18:07 You got this_

_18:07 Put me in your pocket I'm right there with you <3 whenever you need me just text_

18:07 Right. I love you.

  
  


 

18:24 Dinner is at seven.

18:24 Dinner is always at seven.

18:24 Dinner has always been at seven.

_18:24 ????_

18:25 I am being harangued for not showing up at four thirty for a seven o'clock dinner.

_18:25 Tell them you were busy being balls deep in your gf lol_

18:26 Would it bother you if I called you my girlfriend?

_18:27 No but I don't want them being assholes to you_

18:27 I don't care. I do not want anyone bothering you, but I also do not want you to feel as if I am ashamed of you. If that means saying it outright to them and dealing with the consequences, so be it.

_18:28 How about we keep it on the dl with your family b/c their bad enough as it is I appreciate you wanna show you want to fix shit by being all like I LIKE HERRRRRR FUCK THE HATERS_

_18:28 But srsly I believe you you don't gotta do that it's dumb     I'm gonna try to trust but that's on me it's a me thing I need time not declarations_

_18:28 I'm not gonna feel hurt if you don't make a deal out of it lets just be us and do us and the world can deal_

18:30 Thank you love. I am sorry that they are so awful.

_18:30 Your the one who deserves that apology :(_   
  


  
  


19:09 Fenedhis

_19:11 :O he curses_

19:11 Sometimes it is the only thing that gets the point across. Falon'din has somehow enrolled for another term.

_19:12 Fuck :/_

_19:12 So much for not having to keep it on the dl on campus_

19:12 No.

19:13 I am not going to let him make me hide you as if I am ashamed of you. I will not do that again, and I will not let you suffer through that. I know that I have some issues to work through on that front, and I will not let myself backslide again.

_19:13 Sweet but not sensible wolfie_

19:14 I will handle my family. I will not let them bother you.

_19:14 Don't make me swoon over here mr take charge_

19:14 I doubt you know how to swoon.

_19:15 Keep it up with the sap and you'll find out you big ol nerd_

19:16 Dinner, love.

  
  


 

20:39 Vhenan.

20:39 I am so conflicted.

_20:39 About what??_

20:39 Mythal. I thought I was ready to just pretend things were as they always have been, but I was so angry when I first saw her tonight, I had to leave the room for a few minutes to collect myself. I love her, she is my family. More than anyone else, she is my family.

20:40 That is what makes it so difficult. My uncle, I do not care, I have nothing to say to him except angry words. With her, all I want to do is demand an explanation, try to find a way to make it make sense. Find a way to understand why she did what she did to her daughters, to try and prove she is the woman who raised me still. I cannot. It would give everything away, and I cannot, not yet.

_20:40 Its gonna be rough wolfie :/ thats not a good answer but its the only one we've got don't give in to temptation just get out of there_

_20:40 What can we do to make it easier?? How about you get home and we have a little vent session so you can get it out of your head_

20:40 The whole night was harder than I thought it would be. I do not know if I could have survived without you.

_20:41 I'll go walk to the store get some choco tacos :) ok?? Then you can bitch about all of them until its out of your system_

20:41 I am about to start driving, I can stop. It's cold out, you stay in, I will come and get you when I get home.

20:41 I spent ten, fifteen minutes tonight going through my room quickly. There isn't much that I really care to keep, but I have all of my documentation now. And a painting my father made, and everything from the shows I've attended. There really isn't much else I care about.

_20:42 You can go thru everything again next week you don't gotta decide to get rid of it all right now do you?_

20:42 Too many bad memories with most of it. Going to move the rest of the collection out to the car, and then head home.

_20:42 Collection?? Like band stuff from the shows??_

20:57 Yes. T-shirts. I always pick up one from every show I attend.

_20:58 Wolfie shirts are for wearing not collecting lol_

_20:58 What do you do just pull them out and gaze at them fondly?? Like oh thats the show a guy barfed on my shoes at such wonderful memories_

20:59 If I wear them, they might get ruined.

_21:00 You are the biggest fucking dork of all time and I <3 you_

21:00 You are an uncouth disaster and I love you too. I will be home soon.  
  


  
  


_21:06 Can someone just be couth??? Like you can be uncouth but can you be couth_

21:09 Yes.

_21:09 Huh what the fuck do you know I learned something new_

 

  
  


21:22 Oh no, I seem to have somehow stopped at the ice cream shop on the way home. I may as well get something while I'm here.

21:23 I have no idea what I might want, though. I wish someone could help me.

_21:024 You stopped at the fancy place didn't you >(_

21:24 I accidentally ordered two, I wonder what the second one should be.

_21:25 You know I'm fine with the cheap stuff >( I was promised choco tacos_

21:25 Love you're making them wait. And those things are terrible.

_21:26 >_> don't insult my choco tacos punk_

_21:26 Do they have the pink bubblegum flavor today??_

21:26 Yes. And?

_21:26 Gummy bears pretzels rainbow sprinkles no sauce_

21:27 You are utterly bizarre.

_21:28 You like me so whose the weird one_

21:28 I may have stolen a bottle of wine from the house, too.

_21:29 IM ALREADY YOUR GF U CAN STOP TRYNG SO HARD_

21:20 Let me have my fun. It's surprisingly nice to do things for someone who appreciates them.

_21:21 SIGH I'll go throw some clothes in a bag_

21:22 Throw in some gym clothes.

_21:22 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooOoo_

21:23 I go from 730 to 830. You will have plenty of time to get to class.

_21:23 No I wanna be fat_

21:24 As you like.

_21:24 Way to be tolerant ya butt FINE we'll go to the gym and you can listen to me whine_

21:24 That sounds just fine to me. I have headphones to block you out with. Driving.

 

_21:24 <3_

  
  


 


	33. Chapter 33

As days, and then a week or two passed, Ellie wasn't completely sure she was totally okay with this whole aggressively public relationship thing.

Mostly because Solas seemed to be leaning on the aggressive part. She could do without the hand holding and catching her after classes and general hanging-around he seemed to be doing. Everyone else seemed to think it was cute, and maybe it would have been cute, if she didn't have the feeling he was trying to make a point.

She was happy to be his girlfriend, she wasn't quite so happy to be a statement.

But, yet again, the parts in private? Just the two of them? Those parts were so imperfectly perfect that they made up for the rest of it a little. She thought eventually he might relax a little bit, anyways. It was starting, if slowly. This was all new for him. So maybe he was acting a bit like a new vegan with the whole 'I am defying my family and upbringing', but that didn't mean he really was seeing her as a thing and not a person.

She kept reminding herself to trust him, believe in good intentions, not bad. It was hard, though, and they'd had a few squabbles already about his hanging on. Not real fights, just disagreements that always ended with him being sad and her being snuggly. Which then of course fixed the sad.

At least somewhat. The sad never went away completely.

More and more often, she'd come over to find his books closed. She thought he'd skipped a class yesterday, too. Which, you know, whatever, but then again, this was _Solas_. She was pretty sure that was a lifetime first for him. 'Studying' was no longer a nightly activity, but brooding seemed to be. A whole lot of it. He was excited about helping her though, which was sweet of him. Researching careers online, making lists of things, discussing what she should start working on next year. It was nice, because she wasn't a great planner, and the encouragement made her feel a lot better.

He hadn't gone back on telling her how hard a career being a therapist was going to be, but now he ended it with 'but if anyone can do it, it's you'.

It was nice having someone believe in her.

His class in the morning was one he walked to with Cassandra on Fridays, so at least he'd gone to that. Grudgingly. She didn't blame him, but wasn't quite sure how to start with the whole 'hey, maybe if you're not happy you should stop.' conversation. How do you tell someone to throw away all the work they'd been doing? He just seemed resentful, though, not miserable, so it probably still wasn't her business. Anyways, they'd been making steps to change things. Filed all the paperwork already, just waiting for the hearing now, and then he could change all his identification and stuff.

He'd been nervous, because for some reason they required he publish his name change in the paper or something? He'd explained the reasoning to her, but it just sounded dumb. Just another bit of red tape, though, and it's not like anyone read the paper any more, so not a big deal.

When a week had passed and no one kicked up a fuss, he'd finally started to relax.

By now she was good enough at this whole barista thing that she could make them by rote, letting her hands doing the thinking while her brain did other stuff. It wasn't until she was filling the cup that she realized she knew the name on the bank card from somewhere.

The eyes boring into the back of her skull were what finally reminded her.

Oh, right. Victoria. _That_ Victoria, probably.

Whatever.

Her hands kept making the latte, because it needed to be made, letting her brain wonder if this was an ambush. She was kind of hoping the weird looks were just a phase. Most of his friends seemed to be okay with her, except for a few super-snobs at the frat, but Chaz and Sebastian didn't let them bother her. It had been kind of amusing, actually going to a party at the house, as an actual guest.

They kept herding her away from people if they thought they might be mean to her.

They probably thought she hadn't noticed, which just made it all the funnier. They got more weird looks out and about on campus than they did at the frat, and she didn't really care if people got mouthy. Solas cared, though, enough for both of them. Everyone would get over it eventually, and it wasn't like she was gonna go throwing a fit because people didn't like her. Okay, it bugged her. She liked people liking her, but she knew when to just chill out.

She'd judged a lot of people here just for how they looked and for their families when she first started here. She'd judged him, just like he'd judged her. It'd been a mistake. One she didn't want to make again, so...well, this seemed like a good place to start.

"Here's your drink." She offered pleasantly, but not fake-perky, turning and setting the cup down on the counter. The stare she'd been feeling was met with a smile, and she tilted her head slightly. "What's up?"

"I really don't know what I was expecting, but this wasn't it." Victoria replied, sounding a lot less bitchy than anticipated.

Pretty voice, actually, very refined. She kinda sounded like a news anchor, but the foreign correspondent kind. The fancy ones. Probably expected Ellie to be off balance, ask what she meant. Bleh. Games.

"Yeah, that's cool, I get that a lot." Ellie responded, turning away to grab a new stack of cups from the cabinet. "Just came for a gawk and a latte?"

She kept her voice light, making it a tease and not an accusation, but Victoria narrowed her eyes anyways, glossed lips pursing. Weirdly, Ellie found she didn't mind. Whatever, she couldn't say anything worse to her than she'd probably said to herself over the course of this whole ridiculousness. She was perfectly happy and secure with him, and honestly, considering how much he hated his whole family right now, she really couldn't see Solas turning around and dumping her for someone they'd approve of. Her over-affectionate, semi-clingy pain in the butt of a boyfriend?

Nah.

She didn't have anything to be afraid of.

"I was curious. Now I'm just confused." Victoria declared, in a voice that indicated quite clearly that it was meant to be an insult. "This...look you have going on...I'd say there's no accounting for taste, but I was pretty sure he actually _had_ some."

Really? Had she seen the way he dressed? Ellie was tempted to point that out, but was pretty sure making fun of Solas to someone trying to pick on her was the wrong route to take.

"Yeah. He does have good taste, doesn't he? He said you're really smart. You're going to the business school, right?" Which was about all he'd say about her, but Ellie thought maybe that was just him trying to be polite. "I realize this might be a _thing,_ but I'm not gonna play along or snipe back, okay? It's a bad habit of mine I'm trying to break. My mouth has a tendency to run away with me."

"I...am." Victoria replied, dubiously, remaining composed despite having the script flipped. "That's what he said about me?"

"Mhmm. Well, that and you're dating his cousin, which...I mean, no offense to you or anything, but you must be a _brave_ person, too." Ellie declared, and then glanced over her shoulder with a grin, meeting a slightly less hard look. "Does he make you ride in that awful fucking car of his?"

This time there was a smile, just the edge of one. That was enough.

That was victory.

"Absolutely not, I'd never be caught dead in that thing. I wouldn't exactly say we are dating." Victoria replied, shaking her head with a swing of her earrings. "I don't know. He seemed good on paper."

"You don't want in on that circus. I mean, I've only met one of them, and that's enough for me." Ellie replied, and had a feeling from the frown that Victoria probably knew even more than she did. "Listen, I get it. I'm...different. Do you think you could not pick on me, though?"

Silence, and Ellie busied herself through it. The nervousness she'd been avoiding this whole while was starting to show itself now, creeping in to unsettle her stomach. Maybe she'd been too blunt, but she hated this kind of stuff. She didn't want Solas' ex to hate her for no reason, that was dumb. Dumb like crappy movies where girls were supposed to claw at each other or be up each other's asses, with nothing in between.

"I wouldn't say I was picking on you." Victoria finally said, and then smiled tightly at the dubious look Ellie flashed her. "I'm not used to not getting what I want."

She said it almost like that should excuse her, so Ellie kept up the look, shaking her head a little as she turned to the counter as someone approached. She let the silence stretch on, nerves still just a little tense. She took the payment, poured the coffee, capped it and slid it over before she finally bothered to reply.

"Sorry to hear that. Must make it hard to deal with disappointment." Ellie said, trying to keep her voice even and calm. No point in making her take offense. "I guess you came here with an idea in your head how it would go, but...I don't know. I'd rather just be cool."

A perfect nail tapped against the side of her cup, Victoria's expression distant and composed. Ellie had to admit, it was kind of impressive. Like, she could see how she intimidated people, she had that kind of...expensive seemed like a bit too on the nose, but maybe it was that? Sleek. Shiny. Like her whole look was manicured and perfected. Whereas Ellie just kind of threw herself together and fell into the world.

It was fair, she thought, to be kind of offput by how different they were, but...she had a feeling Victoria would have picked a fight with her even if they were clones of each other.

"I don't want him anyway, not now. I really didn't appreciate being rejected." Victoria finally declared, voice crisp. "But I suppose it makes sense if he had already moved on. Fen is a lot of things, but he isn't a cheater."

They weren't together at the time when he'd turned her down, but...right. That would not be a good thing to tell her. Unnecessary, anyways, because it seemed like Victoria was looking for an excuse not to hate her. Far be it for Ellie to deny her that. She wasn't sure that she liked Victoria, but she didn't hate her. No point in hating her.

"Yeah, right? He's a huge pain in my ass sometimes, but what can you do?" Ellie said cheerfully, crumpling up a wrapper and tossing it in the trash.

"Trade them in for a better model." Victoria replied dryly, and then finally gave her an actual, if grudging smile. "All right. I suppose you're okay, but don't think that we're friends or anything."

"But I was gonna paint your toenails black and give you temporary tattoos!" Ellie protested, and managed to catch another faint smile as Victoria turned with a dismissive wave of her hand and started heading off. "C'mon! We can watch scary movies and braid each other's hair!"

Maybe she didn't manage to make anyone else laugh, but Ellie was laughing. And only half from nerves. It only got all the worse as someone got the door for Victoria from outside, and she realized it was Solas. Classic. Freaking classic timing, that was perfect. And, of course, when he realized who he'd just gotten the door for, as she swept icily past him, the look on his face just made it all the worse.

She was practically hiccuping from trying to hold back the laughter when he made it to the counter, waving a hand as he came to a stop.

"Oh man..." She giggled, straightening up as she breathed in deeply, wiping a finger under her eyes to make sure she hadn't smudged her eyeliner too bad. "I like her, even if she hates me. She is _scary_. I bet nobody fucks with her."

"Is everything all right? Was she..." He started, but some of the panic faded as he took her in a little more fully.

"I'm fine. Everything's fine." She assured, turning and grabbing a cup, letting the adrenaline leave through some fidgeting. Absently opening a marker, she scrawled 'this is coffee' across the front of the cup, and set to making him some cocoa. "She was just curious about me, I guess. And not happy about being burned by you."

"Hmmh." He replied, dubiously, and then sighed as she flashed him a little grin over her shoulder. "Somehow I doubt that was the entirety of it."

"It wasn't, but I don't feel like going into it. Did you get your hearing date, wolfie?" She asked, not even bothering to hide that she was changing the subject. Finishing off the cocoa with a little raspberry syrup, she slapped the top on. "Everything's filed, right? No more surprise paperwork?"

"Yes. A week from today." He responded, sounding somewhat conflicted. When she turned back to face him, setting the cup on the counter, she tilted her head curiously. With a shake of his head, he offered a reassuring smile. "Nothing, vhenan. It is going to feel odd now and again."

"So you're gonna get a middle name, right? How sucky is that, to be stuck without a middle name? I like 'Danger', myself." She declared, laughing as he sighed with fond exasperation at her and passed over his card. "Okay, or not."

"Or not." He agreed easily, picking up the cup and peering at it. "This is coffee. Yes, subtle. Thank you for providing me with such efficient camouflage."

"See, no one will know you're such a dork! It's the perfect disguise!" She said cheerfully, swiping the card with a quiet clack. "Whatcha doin' tonight, cutie?"

"There's a beautiful woman I was hoping to ask out to dinner, and there's a show tonight Nathaniel texted me about." He said, leaning a hip against the counter. "I know that it might not be your sort of music, but..."

"You care a lot about it, of course I'll give it a go." She replied instantly, grinning a little at his surprise, tapping the end of his nose with his card. "It's so cute when you get weird like that."

"You are an eternal pain." He responded mildly, snatching the card out of her fingers and leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. She didn't bother dodging, smiling as his lips gently brushed the corner of her mouth. "Thank you. This means a great deal to me, you know."

"Yeah, well, if I put up with stuff, I figure you'll let me pay for dinner." She replied breezily, and then grinned as he pulled back to frown at her. "The less of their money we can spend, the better."

"You know how I..." He started, and then paused with a sigh, closing his eyes. "This is going to make me sound like a snob again."

"You're picky about food, and I eat cheap crap. I don't have the budget for the places you like." She finished for him, and then laughed quietly when he nodded. "Compromise. I'll pick a place, and if you think there's nothing there you can stand eating, we'll leave and go somewhere you pick. Fair?"

"Fair." He sighed in defeat, and then returned her smile faintly, shaking his head. "I am learning how normal relationships work, bit by bit, love. Thank you for being patient with me."

"Hey, anything's better than the punch in the nose conflict resolution strategy." She teased, which finally got a chuckle out of him. "Oh! I cut your name change announcement out of the paper. I actually _bought_ a newspaper. We should frame it."

"Frame it? It's a line long, love. That would be a very small frame." He replied, casually, returning her smile. "I have a feeling you are about to tell me I'm lingering too long. What time should I pick you up? The show starts at eight."

Relief at that, bringing a smile to her face. Good, maybe he was finally starting to understand. It's not like she wanted to shoo him off, but campus bookstore or not, this was still a job. Maybe she was kinda a fuckup at times, but she'd always tried to take work seriously.

"I'll meet you at the house at six? Five?" She replied, mentally doing a little math, lips pursing together. Well, he wasn't gonna like this, but, "I need to study this weekend, like, actually study, and write a paper, so I can go out tonight, but I can't do anything tomorrow."

"You cannot leave it until Sunday?" He asked, like she expected, but sighed in defeat as her eyes narrowed. "Yes, vhenan."

"Don't you sarcastic sing-song at me, mister." She retorted mock-sourly, though it broke quickly enough with a small laugh as he sighed and pushed up. "Don't be such a pout. If I can get it all done Saturday, we can go for an explore on Sunday morning, if you come with me to the afternoon live model drawing again afterwards."

"Yes. I enjoyed that last week." He declared, and she was relieved to see his whole expression lighten. "I cannot believe I have lived here my entire life and never been down to the Antivan markets."

"It was fun! Too bad it's so cold, though, but Isabela said there's a cool stretch of old shops and stuff down closer to the commercial part of the waterfront." She started, and then shook her head. Getting distracted. It was easy to do with him here, especially when it wasn't too busy. "We'll talk about it later, okay?"

"I will see you at five." He agreed, much to her relief. Maybe that meant he wouldn't skip class again so he could meet her after hers. "I need to go visit the Professor this afternoon, she asked to see me."

Code. Right, she remembered that code. The Professor was...uh...the person helping him with the stuff with his uncle. Right. And she was apparently scary enough to scare Vel, which was a big deal. Did that mean progress, then?

"That's good, right?" She asked as he stepped back from the counter, and got a small nod. "Good. I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed for ya, wolfie."

"Thank you, love. Have a good day." He said, and they shared one last smile before he turned to leave.

"Have a good day!" She called after him, smile broadening into a grin. "Enjoy your coffee, wink wink!"

It was nice to see that the smile stuck around on his face even after he left, and she watched him until he disappeared around a corner of the walkway.

  


 

  


The professor's office was, as always, intimidating. The school of law preferred big desks and leather chairs, of course, there was tradition to consider, but somehow Vivienne's managed to look even more like a throne than most of the other professors'. She had been working on something when he arrived, but the papers had been deftly whisked into a folder before he could even glance at them.

He seated himself as she gracefully gestured with her slim golden pen, offering a polite nod of his head. She made no effort at greetings, and her face was unreadable. He was beginning to feel nervous, actually, though when she finally spoke, her words brought a wave of sudden relief.

"My attempts to unravel this puzzle have been successful." Vivienne declared smoothly, leaning forward and setting the pen in its case. "I will not waste my time, or yours, Fen'harel. It seems your uncle's position is becoming precarious. The board is tiring of the bad press."

"It has never bothered them before. There is absolutely no way my uncle will step down as CEO." He replied, both shocked and unsurprised all at once. Elgar'nan hated the board, had never bothered hiding the fact, but he had never stopped to consider that the feeling was mutual. "He values his control of the company far too much."

And of course there was his dynastic intentions. Ellana had been far too right when she had teased him with that, so long ago. It was true. He would hardly step down for the board, no matter how irritated they were with him. He had enough of them in his pocket to avoid being ousted easily, and he owned enough that they couldn't go behind his back. Between what he owned, and what Mythal owned of the company, there was really no way to get rid of him.

At least not without a lot of public outcry.

"Yes. He has never been one to merely hand over the reigns and enjoy the rise in stock prices, has he? He needs to keep his grip like the tyrant he is." Vivienne declared, and he could hear the warning in the words. "The Brecilian affair is catching the notice of the rabble, and they do not care for it. Obviously the company will not be very hurt by a small spate of bad press, but it will inform the judgment, when it comes. He will fail. And that will set a very bad precedent."

"And so he is...attempting to make the Dalish appear wasteful and...that still seems far too petty, Professor." He decided, shaking his head. "And not a sound strategy. Even if the whole program is canceled, that is hardly a story newsworthy enough to sway public opinion. I know that he hates them being here at Haine, but..."

"It is petty to try and have them removed, my dear, and it is not his entire plan. Rather, it is a very small part of his plan that he has no doubt concocted in order to excuse his pettiness. It is also entirely possible that he is testing you." Vivienne replied flatly, not bothering to hide her disgust. "Your uncle is not a subtle man, Fen'harel. He is a bull. And he does not change his tactics, because they generally work."

"Threats and bribery." He replied flatly, shaking his head slowly. "Then...Professor, what _is_ his plan? If he needs to discredit the Dalish, how is he planning to do so?"

"There is a member of the Dalish Keeper's council who lost his wife three years ago to a degenerative genetic condition. A very expensive to treat condition, a condition that his daughter was likewise diagnosed with two years ago." Vivienne said, voice as smooth and unruffled as ever. "As of three months ago he has suddenly found the money to take her to specialists, for treatments and therapies a man drowning in medical debt could never afford."

Disgusting, if true, and yet...it made perfect sense. That sounded exactly like his uncle. An easily exploitable weakness, an intense need for money, a perfect opportunity for him.

"And you know for certain that my uncle is bribing him? To do what, exactly?" He realized as she lifted an eyebrow lightly that he was becoming a bit too aggressive, voice too loud, and he leaned back. "Apologies."

"Your manners have improved dramatically. This is as much as I can tell you, there is no physical proof as of yet. You will have to discover that on your own. The situation is complicated, and I would prefer not to say so much that my sources can be found." Vivienne declared, obvious dismissal in her smooth, cultured voice. "I expect that you will be able to find someone familiar with the man with ease. His First, after all, is attending school here. Disrupt this, Fen'harel, and you may be able to make this no longer worth your uncle's time. If you find something of use, feel free to return to me with it."

A relief, that, as he rose. She wasn't abandoning them, then, but simply trying to protect herself. That was fair, and he couldn't ask any more of her than that. So little information, but it was enough. Enough to start. He couldn't imagine whose Keeper it was, however. Not Ellana's, she'd said that her Keeper was a woman. Velanna's, perhaps?

"Can you give me his name, at least, Professor?" He inquired, stepping back towards the door.

"Of course." Vivienne agreed, reaching and taking her pen out of its case again, her gaze lowering to the folders spread out before her. Selecting one, she flipped it open. "His name is Zathrian Tanaleth. Please close the door behind you when you leave."

"Yes, professor." He agreed quietly, inclining his head and turning on his heel.

His mind was swimming, as the heavy door closed behind him and he started down the hallway. Proof. Where could they even start? Well, he knew where he needed to, that much was clear. Thankfully, it could be done on the walk home.

   


**Velanna**

 

15:29    Zathrian Tanaleth. Who is his first? We need to sit down and have a talk.

15:29    I saw the professor.

_15:34    That would be Lanaya- Tanaleth is the Western Brecilian clan in Ferelden, they're neighbors with Sabrae. What did you find out?_

15:34    My uncle is bribing him, but we don't know why. Need to find out.

_15:35    Bribes? Zathrian would never accept bribes._

_15:35    Wait._

_15:35    Dahlia. His daughter- Dahlia._

15:35    Exactly.

_15:35    I hate your uncle. Seething hatred._

15:36    And now I understand why.

_15:36    She will be out of class soon. I will get a hold of her._

_15:36    You can meet us at the dorms._

_15:38    Solas?_  


 

"What do you think you are _doing_?"

His shout rang out across the small parking lot adjacent to the fraternity house, shock stalling Solas' steps for only a few seconds. Dirthamen's eye roll and return to his phone only made him angrier, though Falon'din's smirk did plenty all on its own. He wasn't angry about the box of his things dumped unceremoniously next to his car, none of it was terribly important, but the fact that they'd been going through his vehicle at all.

Why?

"Answer your phone, bitch." Falon'din replied snidely, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned against the car.

"It isn't ring..." He started, interrupted by the buzz of his phone in his hands, and Dirthamen's faint snigger. Frowning, he answered the call and lifted it to his ear, all too aware of the smug gazes fixed on him.

Silence, on the phone, and then a heavy, weary sigh he was all too familiar with.

"My dear boy." Mythal said, voice calm and mild. "Being a part of this family is a privilege, you know that. I know that you know that."

Numbly, he listened, finding no response coming easy to his lips. What did she know? He was still staring at the car, but not seeing it, everything unfocused as his attention turned wholly to the phone.

"Your uncle is highly disappointed to hear that you are taking steps to change your name from the one he choose for you. I? I understand. You know that I do, you know that I always have."

"Am I to assume I am being punished for it?" He asked, ignoring the small, nasty laugh from Falon'din, turning his back to them. Relief mixed with anger. The newspaper announcement, that was what this was about. "You are punishing me for choosing to go back to the name that my parents gave to me?"

"What am I to do? I've told you this countless times, you know that I have." Mythal responded, and he closed his eyes against the sudden guilt as she used the argument she had so many times before. "I don't want to punish you. I have never wanted to punish you, but if I do not..."

"He will." Solas finished flatly, letting out a quiet sigh through his nose.

"He will. I am taking back your car. It, like being part of this family, is a privilege, and it seems you need to be reminded of that fact. And I am afraid we will not be funding any trips this spring break." Mythal sounded so apologetic that he almost wanted to laugh. Did she think he cared about that?

Of course she did. He always had before, hadn't he?

"I understand." He replied flatly, voice calm and quiet. "I assume that despite having no transportation, I will be expected to attend on Sunday evening?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic. You can call the car service, I will put a few thousand more in your account to cover the expense." Mythal replied with a heavy sigh, and he heard the noise of a cork being twisted out of a bottle. "I am on your side, I always have been. Please try not to forget that just because you're angry."

"Of course." The bitterness fought to seep into his voice, but he held it back, forced away through willpower alone. "I will remember everything you have done for me."

"Good. You have been behaving very strange as of late, I'm worried about you. Please try to be on time this week, you've been very late for the last month or so. We'll sit down, have a talk. Sort this all out." Mythal said briskly, and he was grateful she didn't even care to hear his answer. He didn't have anything to say, standing there silently as she finished and hung up on him. "I will see you then. Take some time to think about what you are doing, and if you really think it's worth the possible consequences."

The line went dead, and he dropped the phone to stare at it. A few seconds passed, and then he staggered forward at a sudden swipe to his shoulder. Turning around, he met Falon'din's eyes, and his broad grin, forcing his expression flat.

"Gimmie your key." Falon'din demanded, extending a hand. "Mom's orders, so don't be a fuckin' bitch about it."

The temptation to fight back was almost overwhelming. A thousand retorts, and he soothed his temper by letting them go through his mind as he kept his silent composure. Sliding his phone into a pocket, he fished out his keys and worked off one of the rings, clinking together as they swung.

The furious, petty part of his mind wanted to slide off the keys to the family house and his rooms as well, send them back with his cousin. Petty only because he knew the lash back would be even worse than losing his car, and he wasn't ready for that. No. He had to keep the status quo, as much as he could while trying to untangle himself.

He should have known that their response would be disproportionate.

It always was.

Silently dropping the keys into Falon'din's hand, he stepped around him, picked up the box, and turned to head for the fraternity house. He could feel Dirthamen watching him, but didn't even bother meeting his eyes. There wasn't anything worth saying.

"Yeah, slink away, you stupid fuckin' dog!" Falon'din shouted after him, aggressive as ever, and incredibly smug. "Back to the bottom where you belong, huh? Always gonna be trash in the end, you stupid fucker!"

It wasn't true, of course, but it had the weight of their childhood behind it, which made it far heavier. That stupid part of his mind was shouting at him now, pointing out that he'd finally been winning, and now he was losing. It wasn't too late, he could still come back out on top. Why give him the satisfaction of having the last word? Why give him the satisfaction of winning, when it would be so easy to kick him back down again?

He was halfway up the stairs of the porch when the phone in his pocket buzzed. Mind still full, he shifted the box to his hip and fished it out, glancing at the screen distractedly.

A text from Ellana. Just a heart.

Of course. That was why.

Irritating, well-trained voices in his head gone once again, he thumbed open his phone and started one-handedly texting back a reply as he nudged the door open and headed inside, at peace now. They could take his car. It was only a thing, after all.

  


15:49    I love you too, vhenan. Going to have to take the bus tonight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (dun dun dunnn)


	34. Chapter 34

There were some things in life you never really expected to hear. Like Solas swearing, or Velanna admitting she was wrong. You know, stuff like that, so out of character that when you actually heard it, it shocked you.

Lanaya shouting was one of those things.

She sounded furious, actually, but worse than that, hurt. It made Ellie pick up her pace, ignoring her own room and heading down the hall. Nobody got to hurt Lana. _Nobody_.

"He has always said...always said to me, over and over again, that our position is all important. That we must fight, and strive...work harder than anyone else! Anyone!" Lanaya was ranting when Ellie came barreling in, eyes wide, chest heaving. "That we must be above _reproach_!"

Eyes turned towards Ellie as she stood in the doorway, taking in both the fact that both Solas and Sebastian were here, on top of Velanna, and that tears were running down Lanaya's cheeks. Her eyes met her friend's reddened ones, and Lana lunged for her, throwing arms around Ellie's neck and hanging on for dear life.

Instinctively, her arms lifted, tightening into a protective embrace as Lanaya cried against her shoulder. A glare cast across the room didn't find anyone looking guilty enough to be angry at.

"What," she declared firmly, patting Lana on the back, "the hell is going on here, and who do I need to punch?"

  
  


As Velanna, with a few quiet inclusions from Solas, told her about what they'd found out, she was mentally cursing herself for not asking more questions before. Yes, she knew sort of what was going on, but everyone seemed happy to keep her semi in the dark. Ellie had been happy with that too, after things with her sister, and dealing with her new relationship and its complications.

But this was big, bigger than she'd expected, and yet again she'd been sticking her head in the sand and letting other people deal with it.

Now it'd upset Lana, which just sucked.

By the time the story was over, Lanaya had seemed to get herself back together, but she looked defeated. Out of all of them, being First meant most to Lana. She hadn't been born Dalish, she'd been adopted in when her family had died. She looked up to Zathrian, grown up with his kids. She'd worked for it, won it, and finally gotten his respect. She'd finally thought she could pay back the clan that had taken her in, welcomed her and made her a part of something.

And now this. It had to feel like Zathrian had betrayed her, and the whole damn clan.

"Lana, he's desperate, you know that. He just doesn't want to lose Dahlia." Ellie pointed out quietly, and then nodded back as Lanaya grudgingly nodded. "It sucks. Everything's sucked for him for a while. I don't know. Do you think you'll be able to somehow change his mind?"

When she shook her head silently, Ellie sighed and nodded, pulling her back and clamping hands down on her upper arms.

"Okay. You know him better than us. So if he's gonna keep taking the bribes, I guess we just gotta figure out what the asshole wants him to do without letting him know you know. What they've got planned. And...see if you can find proof." Ellie declared, staring into her friend's face.

"Don't really know if that's fair to be putting on Lanaya, Ellie." Sebastian interrupted, worriedly. "Don't you think it would be best to..."

"No." Lanaya said firmly, shaking her head and drawing herself up with a long inhale through her nose. Exhaling it, she spoke again. "No, Ellie is right. I am First. It is my duty to the clan."

"It's true. Very true." Velanna declared, nodding herself, arms folded over her chest. "Lana, I'll come home with you for spring break, we'll figure it out together."

"No, no, I know how much you want to see your sister." Lanaya declined, glancing over her shoulder. "It's fine, I can do it on my own. I promise." Her gaze shifted to Sebastian, and she offered him a comforting smile. "I am stronger than I seem, Sebastian. Thank you, though."

"Wouldn't doubt it for a moment." He replied mildly, and they shared a faint smile.

"I will be fine. I just need some time to think." Lanaya said, stepping away from Ellie fully, offering her a small, tight smile. "If everyone could give me a little while..."

It was a dismissal, and Ellie knew Lana well enough to know she'd be fine. She just wasn't super into public displays of emotion, that was all. She might not be an aggressive person, but that didn't mean she needed coddling.

They obediently filed out, Sebastian last. She knew Lana had told her he wasn't interested, but honestly, if Ellie didn't know better she'd think there was something there. Part of her wondered if he wasn't just too busy being hard on himself to accept it. She didn't realize she was staring at him, until he lifted an eyebrow at her, and then raised a hand to tousle her hair.

"Best get to studying." He declared to the three of them, and then turned and headed up the hall without another word.

Velanna turned and wandered off as well with only a two-fingered wave, leaving Ellie and Solas alone. She managed a smile for him as he leaned up against her side, fingers trailing across his palm before he took her hand. Warmth there, reassuring as they clasped fingers, something she'd absolutely hated before. When he leaned down and kissed her temple, she exhaled a shivering sigh.

"This whole thing sucks a big one." Ellie murmured, letting him tug her gently, pulling her away from the wall and down the hall. "Poor Lana. She must feel so let down."

"You two are close." Solas remarked, seeming a little surprised. "Your clans live rather far apart, I thought?"

Oh. Right, well, maybe she should have mentioned that before. Never having really tried to have one of these 'normal and stable' relationships before made it all new ground. Was it something she was supposed to disclose? Not? Well, being too honest was better than hiding things.

"So um...I forgot to tell you this, so please don't be mad." Ellie responded at last, meeting his questioning look briefly. It wasn't like she'd been hiding it after all, it had been such a small blip in her life that it tended to get forgotten. They'd moved past it. "That's because Lana's kind of my ex girlfriend. We were like fifteen, it was just a small...whatever."

"I...oh." Solas replied, sounding a little nonplussed, "Thank you for telling me. I suppose I can assume that there is no...lingering sentiment?"

"We were friends, you know. Online mostly? Except for clan stuff, anyways. And it became a thing. I was realizing stuff about myself, and..." Ellie replied, opening the door for him, and then following him in, "And then there was the Arlathvhen, and we...and she found out she doesn't actually...like girls. That way. So no. No pining, I promise you. We worked it out."

"Ah. I understand. Well, if we are disclosing things, I was considering avoiding telling you, but only because I did not want to upset you..." Solas remarked, and she was grateful he seemed content to leave it at that. "It seems that the newspaper announcement did not go wholly unnoticed. Likely one of the assistants scanning the news for family mentions caught it."

"They...did?" She asked, mind blanking a little bit. Wow, that was pretty damn thorough of them. Finally she shook her head, disgustedly. "Well, now I feel like an asshole for thinking you were being paranoid. Sorry, wolfie."

"Unless you have experienced it, my heart, it is difficult to imagine." He assured, following her into her room, closing the door behind him. "In retaliation, Mythal took my vehicle. Hence, having to ride the bus tonight. I am sorry, love."

Turning to him again, she peered into his face, kind of at a loss for what to say. Well, there were things she could say, but the ridiculously disproportionate smack down just kind of befuddled her.

"Holy shit. They just...took your car away? You make a choice for yourself as an adult, and they just go try to slap you down?" She repeated, feeling dumb the instant it left her mouth. It wasn't like he'd lie to her. "That is...wow, overreaction much?"

"They paid for it." He replied, a bit more dourly than she was expecting. Her concern must have shown on her face, because he forced a smile for her. "It is meant to get me back in line, vhenan. Of course it seems like an overreaction, but it is how she operates. It makes you hesitant to stand up to her the next time. At least they do not know it is already too late."

Strange to hear him easily talk bad about his aunt, he'd always been weird about it before. It seemed she was starting to sour on him more and more, though. After what she'd done to her own daughters? Well, she didn't blame him. Maybe how big it all was was finally starting to sink in.

"So, what, is that the end of it? Or if you don't step back into line will it get worse?" She asked, and then sighed as he turned and paced away restlessly. Parking her butt on her desk after brushing aside a book, propping her feet up on the chair, she opened her arms. "Hey, c'mere. You're just gonna get more frustrated if you do that. No prowling, wolfie."

She didn't have to ask twice. Gratefully, he turned and dropped his head against her shoulder, burrowing in tiredly as she wrapped her arms around him. Holding herself upright against his weight as best she could, she let him recharge his batteries, his slow breaths hot against the side of her neck. Idly she rubbed his lower back, sliding her hands under his shirt after she pulled it out of his pants.

"I love you." She murmured against his ear, and then kissed the pointed tip of it, smiling as his arms tightened. "I know I'm not proving to be super great at saying it all the time like you do, but I hope you know it's always there."

"I do." He agreed quietly, nodding against her. "I know, vhenan."

Quiet for a minute, listening to people heading up and down the hall, chattering. She just kept up the back rubbing, waiting for him to feel up for talking again. He brooded better when she let him hang on her, got it all out of his system a lot quicker. Eventually he sighed, lifting a hand and tucking her hair back behind her ear with fingertips.

"Welcome to pedestrianing, wolfie. It's not so bad." She declared in a playful whisper, trying to raise the mood a little bit, and then laughed as he grumbled. "Well, sorry, sweetie, but turning around and buying a new car with their money probably wouldn't prove much of a point. Would it? And it's not like you want to kiss their asses until they give it back."

"I don't believe I have enough in my accounts right now, so the point is moot. I will just have to find a way to play along enough that they return it. I would not call it grovelling, love." He replied, glancing up from her shoulder as she craned her neck back to peer at him dubiously. "Hmmh? It's just how this goes, Ellana. It does not mean I am going to backslide."

"Cars aren't _that_ expensive. Mine only cost me like eight hundred bucks, I mean, it needed a new battery and stuff, but..." She trailed off at the puzzled look he gave her, and then laughed. "Well, not new, obviously. But even if you think you need one, why would you run out and spend _more_ of their money on another stupid car?"

"And it ran?" He asked her bemusedly, expression relaxing as she glared. "That couldn't possibly be safe, vhenan. I can't just stop spending their money, that is not how this works. I wouldn't be able to eat for one, and I need a car."

"Why? Why do you need a car?" She retorted, and this time he frowned more genuinely. For some reason, she was starting to feel kind of annoyed herself.

"To get places? It's not as if I feel the need to get an extravagant one, but the only money I have to my name that wasn't acquired from my aunt and uncle was left to me by my parents."

"Ah. You haven't touched it?" She asked curiously, and when he shook his head, blew out a sigh through pursed lips. "I get you. I mean...if you wanted to get a car for yourself, with your money, we could find you something without spending _too_ much of it."

"A reliable vehicle would make far more of a dent in it than I am comfortable with." He said dubiously, and then sighed as she squinted an eye at him, voice taking on a brusque edge. "Just ask, vhenan."

"It's not like you had a big fancy one like your cousin. How much could your car have actually cost? I mean, yeah it was new-ish but..."

"You are right, it was on the lower end, by preference. Fifty nine thousand, but even fifty or fourty five is more than I want to take out of what I have..." He started, and then sighed as she stifled a small 'snrk', stepping back until she was forced to release him. "Ah, and here we go again."

He actually sounded pissed, so she pushed back her irritable amusement, though it still seemed pretty fucking ridiculous to her. It was hard, though, to consider his privilege anything but silly when things like this would crop up.

"You can get a perfectly fine car for like a thousand bucks, Solas. You can get a used car for cheap." She retorted, rolling her eyes a little bit when he made a scornfully dismissive noise. Fine, he wanted to be a butthead? She could be too. "This is dumb, I'm sorry. I can't take this seriously. It's a fucking car. Who cares? There's buses. You're being dumb."

"Excuse me?" He replied, and she frowned at the suddenly dark tone of his voice. "I don't understand why caring about this is suddenly 'dumb'. Why are you treating me like everything I say is ridiculous?"

"Because it's just...a fucking...car, honey! An overpriced hunk of metal that's probably worth like a fucking fraction of what your family paid for it." She said, trying and failing to keep the sharpness out of her voice as annoyance rose. "You're sitting here rolling your eyes when I point out you can get one easily on the cheap. Which I guess means it's about the money for you after all. So what, you can't let it be seen in the parking lot or you'll be embarrassed?"

"I am not rolling my eyes, Ellana. There is absolutely no way I will risk my safety or yours in an inferior vehicle." He protested irritably, and then sighed when she crossed her arms. "And if it were part of my concern, what is wrong with not wanting to be seen in something that people will mock me for? Why is having standards something you consider a negative?"

"Your fucking standards are a luxury, Solas! A luxury you're about to not be able to afford any more!" She replied, lifting her hands to her head, trying to force herself to stop escalating this bullshit. They had to stop, they were getting caught up in it. "Wolfie, I'm just so worried about you. I'm sorry. I am worried about you, but you're right, I'm letting my...issues get mixed up with it."

Frustration still pricking at her, she resisted the urge to dig her fingers against her scalp, letting out a long sigh. As he turned and paced away, breathing in sharply, she closed her eyes and did the same. Just another stupid argument. Fine, whatever. Okay, they had a tendency to bicker sometimes, they were both stubborn and they realized it. They could handle this without fighting, they'd done it before.

They just had to take a second, and come at it from another angle.

"Sometimes I feel as if you judge me for being accustomed to a different lifestyle. I realize things need to change, vhenan, but it's difficult to feel up for embracing change when you are judging me." He agreed quietly, back still to her, and she grimaced, mentally acknowledging the point. "I feel as if...you instantly discard my viewpoint because of my upbringing."

"You're right, I do. It's a bad, stupid habit, and I'm sorry." She apologized, even if it still felt a little bit wrong. Just because an instinct was there didn't mean it was right. He did have to change, but he was already doing so much, the last thing he needed was her being a dick to him. "I'm being a snob myself, aren't I? Shit. Inverse snob, or something."

He glanced back at her finally, and she lifted her hand towards him hopefully, managing a rueful smile. He returned it tightly, taking a few steps back towards the desk.

"You leave your walls up a bit too much, vhenan." He chided, reaching out a hand and taking hers as she extended it. Fingers laced together, and then swung slightly, before he lifted it to his lips and kissed her knuckles. "You still intimidate me, do you know that? And...there are things about you that make me defensive at times, just as I seem to make you defensive."

"And that's probably where me being an ass about the money stuff comes from. I don't want to fight with you any more. This kind of fighting isn't fun." She admitted with a long sigh, relaxing as he finally gave in and stepped back in against her, his shirt crumpling under her cheek. "It's hard not to feel like I have a big sign over my head that says 'poor' when you're talking about sixty thousand dollar cars like they're the absolute minimum."

"None of it is directed at you. If you could please not lash out at me..."

"I'll try. I'll try harder. Shit, I'm sorry, you had such a bad day already..." She promised, squinting her eyes closed as he smoothed a hand over her head. "How dare we not be perfect? It's like the universe forgot we super-dramatically got back together."

"I am sorry as well, love. We are very, very different people, but in some ways a bit too much alike." He pointed out wryly, finally managing to make her laugh, without much humor. "I really do not know what to do, Ellana. Perhaps I was pulling back too obviously. But changing my name takes time, it is not as if we could delay forever."

"I mean, okay. You need to keep pulling back, but is there a way to make it seem like..." Mind racing,she let herself be lulled by the hand stroking down her back, eyes closed as she rested against his lower chest. Easier to think in the dark. "Like you're just having a tantrum? Instead of it being a real, actual deal. Something where they can just dismiss you."

"You want me to pretend to be as bad as my cousins?" He asked, with a hint of amusement in his voice that died quickly on the inhale. "You mean...simply play this all off as a minor rebellion? I suppose, and no offense meant to you, that that would make dating you seem more..."

"Believable." She finished, already knowing what word he was hesitating on. "If they find out. Which they probably will, because Falon'din's a little prick."

"He enjoyed taking my car far...far too much." Solas murmured with distaste, and then chuckled at her little disgusted noise. "You made it easy enough to walk away, my love. I was planning to join Sebastian for a trip this spring, but it seems I've been cut off of from funding that as well."

Again, the Ellie kneejerk of dismissal came into play, and she tried to cut it off before it came out of her mouth. Closing her eyes, she breathed in and reminded herself that this was his normal. It was weird to her, and it was gonna be weird, but that didn't mean every time he mentioned...them funding trips or buying him cars or...whatever, that she had to flip on him and be a jerk about it.

It was all he knew.

"Vhenan?" He finally asked, hand brushing her cheek.

"Just think of it as them helping you disentangle." She suggested as she opened her eyes, smiling at his musing 'hmm'. "Learning how to..."

Oh! Well, hmmh...honestly she couldn't think of a good reason why not to invite him. Maybe it'd be cramped, but maybe if he saw where she came from, they might understand each other a little more.

_Or maybe he'll be disgusted._

Either way...maybe that was a good thing to know. Know if it was actually capable of working, know if she was being weird and paranoid or not. If she was being a negasnob.

"Love?" He asked, this time sounding a little more confused by her going silent. "You are behaving a bit..."

"Come with me for spring break." She invited, pulling back at last to peek up into his face. "My mom's a huge pain, but it won't be that bad."

"You want me to...meet your family?" He asked, looking momentarily stunned, before blinking and staring back in her eyes. "Are you certain that is a good idea?"

"You've already met a third of it. Well...like, a half of it. I mean, my stepdad's still cool, even if he and mom are getting divorced." Ellie said, uncertainly avoiding his intense gaze, shoulders lifting in a flippant shrug. "If you want. It'll be boring. No...Antivan yacht parties or laying around on a beach in Rivain or whatever it is you guys do."

This time she was careful not to make her voice sound like she was being dismissive. Luckily, it seemed to work, since he just nodded pensively and smoothed a hand over her hair, twisting it away from her cheek and tucking it back behind her ear, fingers trailing around to slide along her jawline afterwards, pulling her attention back.

"It feels frustrating to finally have someone I care about and want to share those experiences with." He said ruefully, and continued with a smile. "But you wouldn't want them, would you?"

"Sure I would, maybe some day. When we've earned them. Going with your family's money would just feel gross and ruin what should be special." She replied quietly, voice slowing as he lowered his forehead to meet hers. "Just think about it, we've got a couple weeks. Okay? No arguments about money this way, just you and me and a quiet week to recharge from all this bullshit."

"Disagreeing with you is strange. It is over, but it doesn't feel as if it is, and I get so tense waiting for things to escalate." He murmured, and then sighed and relaxed as she lifted her hands to his shoulders, giving a soothing squeeze. "I will think about it."

"That's all I ask. Are we cool?" She smiled when he nodded, and then lifted her hands to his cheeks, nodding back. "Good. I should probably get ready for tonight. Are you gonna go home and change?"

"I was not planning on it, vhenan." He replied dubiously, glancing down at himself. "What is wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"Nothing, but we're going _out_ , sweetie. Can't you shake things up a little and throw on some jeans or something?" She asked, trying not to show her amusement as he stared down at himself. "Would jeans and a t-shirt be the end of the world? You're the one who said people always look at you like you don't belong. I just want you to feel comfortable."

"Or you are subtly, and not so subtly trying to change me." He declared darkly, expression flat as she leaned back from him, hands dropping, surprised by the sudden change of mood.

A split second of worry, and then she saw the edge of a smile he was hiding. Letting out an explosive sigh, she reached out and shoved his shoulder, finally making him break into laughter.

"Not funny. Go ahead and wear khakis, see if I care." She declared sourly, pushing again when he leaned in and kissed her cheek, lips pressing close to her ear. "Stop it, I don't like you any more. Breaking up again."

"No, we just had an argument, it is time for the post-dispute conciliatory intercourse, not breaking up." He said in a lazy murmur, leaning down to kiss the side of her neck.

It took her a second to figure that one out, which was probably why he'd said it. Lawyering at her. It seemed like it was going to be one of _those_ moods, then, where he started being silly. It happened a lot now, usually when she'd done something he didn't expect and it made him happy. Which was always cute, and she probably would have been lured in to play back if she hadn't just figured out what the hell he was saying.

"That was barely an argument, like...a quarter of one." She informed him, and then squirmed as he 'hmm'ed against her, a little vibration. "I don't think it warrants makeup sex."

"I do not make the rules, I just enjoy them." He retorted, hand sliding up the underside of her thigh, nudging her legs further apart. "This desk is the perfect height, I believe...but I am not entirely certain."

"Lyna's gonna be back in like thirty minutes." She pointed out, voice going a little high as he kissed the side of her neck again, a shiver working down her spine as his teeth dragged against the skin. "I don't have any condoms, babe, we keep them at your place."

"Do you really think I wouldn't carry one in my wallet, vhenan? You are the one who taunts me into incredibly indiscreet public affairs, need I remind you." He pointed out, and then pulled back and stared down at her. "Are you quite certain you're my girlfriend and not an impostor? I've never heard you make excuses not to have sex."

Even as he said it he pulled back, hand leaving her thigh, returning her small, rueful smile with a more pleasant one. Patiently he waited while she gathered her thoughts for a second, lips pursing. He was right, damn it, he was right. She let her mind tick over that for a second, before finally shaking her head in defeat.

"I don't know. I'm worried about you. This all just sucks so much, and I...I don't know, I'm just worried. Everything's supposed to be better, but it's not yet, and I can't stop worrying about it all. Maybe that's why?" She said, smiling as he tilted his head curiously to the side. "Makes it hard to get in the mood, I guess. Sorry."

"Well, in that case, I am afraid there is only one solution." He decided, tucking his arms under hers.

She willingly latched her arms around his neck, letting him scoop her off the desk, settling her head against his shoulder. His arms shifted to under her rear end, and he leaned over to plant a small kiss on her temple.

"We are going to skip the sex and go straight to the part you despise." He informed her, and then laughed at her noise of disgust, wandering over to her bed. "It is true. Until you stop worrying, or we have to leave for dinner, we are going to claim your bed, pull up the covers, and relax."

"Torture me, why don't you." She groused as he set her down on the bed, scooting over to make as much room for him as possible. "Just relax, huh?"

"Just relax." He agreed quietly, settling down and pulling her back into his arms. She went willingly, tucking her head against his chest. "I know it's frightening, vhenan. I sometimes forget how much that seems normal to me is anything but."

"What will they do? What will they do when you stop doing what they want? When they find out you're done with their shit?" She asked, trying not to let her voice crack as the enormity of it all sank into her. Threats and bribery...that's how they lived. And they had the money and power to make people listen. What would they do when they lost control of him? It was actually terrifying, now that she was thinking about it. "They'd better not try anything, they don't get to hurt you! I swear, I will fight them, you know I will..."

"Shh, my love. You cannot fight the world for me. This is my battle, all I ask is that you keep reminding me that life can be better." He murmured, and then sighed when she nodded against him, burrowing in as he tucked the blanket around them. "How many children do you want? Six, or seven?"

"Hah hah." She replied sourly, feeling him chuckle underneath her cheek. There was an instant denial, but she forced herself to ignore it, let him indulge without her bringing him down. "So cohabitation after twenty four hours, kids after a month...I guess we'll be sending _them_ to college by the end of the year, if we keep going at this rate."

"I was thinking we could retire in Antiva, out in the countryside." He said lazily, finally getting her to laugh, if begrudgingly. "You will be exhausted after a career of untangling other people's problems. The quiet will be good for you."

"And what about you?" She asked, trying not to prod. He tended to clam up a little when she poked him about if he wanted to stay in law school or not. Better not to address it directly. "You gonna be my housewife?"

"Raising eight children is a sizable undertaking, vhenan. I am certain all nine of them would appreciate having one of us at home." He said comfortably, and then laughed when she made a rude noise.

"My uterus...is not a clown car, Solas!" She protested, and he started laughing harder, turning and burying his face against her pillow. Grabbing his shoulder, she started shaking it, repeating emphatically, "My uterus...is not...a clown car!"

When his arm slung around her and dragged her under, she was expecting it, but she wrestled with him a bit anyways. He was laughing, and that was good, it almost made her feel a little bit lighter, too. She fended him off for a minute or two, until he finally sighed and collapsed, and then she finally let him lure her back in. When his arms wrapped around her, cheek tucking against her head, she tucked her feet between his legs.

Quiet, as she listened to his breathing return to normal, his hand idly wandering down her back.

"Is that how it's gonna go?" She mused quietly, wishing for a few seconds that she could believe it. Kinda sounded awful to her, but she wasn't going to tell him that. Ellie was pretty sure she wouldn't even know how to be a mom, it wasn't like she'd had a good example to follow. "Almost sounds possible when you say it."

"Please try to believe for me, love. I realize it is far from fair to ask of you, but I need one of us to..." He sighed, arms tightening as he trailed off.

"Okay, you got it." She agreed instantly, fiercely protective as she heard the small break in his voice. Fuck it, if that's what he needed from her, she'd do it. "You can do this. I know you can."

"Only two and a half years. Two and a half years and I will have my degree, I can take the examinations, I will be done and moving on." He murmured under his breath like a prayer, though she could hear the worry and frustration in his voice. "I only have to last two years. And then I will be free."

"Yeah...two years." She agreed, trying not to let the worry come back. "Two years and you'll have it."

A degree he really didn't want, and a job he hadn't chosen for himself. Even if he found a job somewhere far away, he didn't really seem like he wanted to be a lawyer. He never seemed excited about it, never wanted to talk about it. He didn't seem like he wanted it to be a part of his life, just a thing he did.

But...he was convinced he'd wasted too much time to give it up now. So much so that he was considering chaining himself to them for two more years just so he didn't get thrown out of school on his ass.

Why did Ellie have a feeling that would blow up in his face?

"So if you're gonna be my housewolfie, does that mean you're gonna cook for me?" She asked, derailing her own train of thought. "I've never really had anyone cook for me, I always had to do the cooking."

"Yes, but no breakfast in bed. You will come sit at the table like a civilized person." He replied, and then chuckled softly at her little 'aww'. "Be reasonable, vhenan, how will we fit all ten children in the bed?"

When she laughed, she finally felt him start to relax. It didn't quite chase away the small, almost desperate edge of melancholy, but it helped a little bit. She had a feeling they were both in denial about how bad this was going to be, but it felt like that was the only way they could keep going. And they had to keep going.

 

She wasn't going to lose him to those assholes.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for every kudos, read, and especially comment. <3 It's been difficult for me to adjust to the quiet after stepping away from tumblr, so the encouragement has been really motivating and uplifting. Thank you for continuing to read, and stick with me.
> 
>  
> 
> [ Isn't this adorable? Thank you so much to DestinyApostasy and Dairine_Lavellan(please tell me I got your AO3 name right, love). You guys are amazing, and this Solas & Ellie is absolutely heart-melting. ](http://destinyapostasy.tumblr.com/post/151012022137/a-patreon-reward-for-my-blood-runs-blue-she)


	35. Chapter 35

_11:23   I you that thing <3_

11:25   Is this going to be a 'thing' now?

_11:25   Yeeeeep_

11:25   I thought it was supposed to be at least a few months before we become utterly incomprehensible to other people.

_11:27   Way ahead of you wolfie   I'm already incomprehensible_

11:28   Fair. I love you too.

_11:30   Good then you'll come with me tonight_

11:31   I'm sorry...was I just set up?

_11:31   Sucker_

11:32   Where are we going?

_11:35   Another model drawing I already paid for you_

11:35   Why do you keep insisting I go with you? I do enjoy watching you draw, love, and I mean no offense, but it's hardly a good use of your money.

_11:35   I like spending time with you and I want to keep drawing    its okay if you don't want to go but_

_11:36   I don't want to let it go or give up_

11:37   I realize money is tight for you. You are paying double for me to do nothing.

_11:37   I bought you a sketch book_

11:38   I'm not an artist.

_11:39   I saw your doodles last time you actually have a good eye    I knooooow you were having fuuuun I think you should keep trying!! :)   Theres good drawing tutorials online I can send you some videos_

11:40   Having fun and getting value out of it are two different things, love. I wouldn't say I'm an artistic person.

_11:41   Bullshit :P you've got a lot in you you know you should see what happens     I'm pretty sure you can do anything you set your mind to besides what better way to try and stretch yourself??   You said your uncle is pretty against art stuff and your dad painted right??   Obviously its worth giving a shot_

1147   Well played.

_11:48   Why ty wolfie_

11:48   You're very welcome.

_11:49   STICK IT TO THE MAN_

11:50   Yes, dear.

  
  


18:22   Charles wanted me to ask how your sister is doing.

_18:39   Holy fuck how is he so sweet?? Tell Chaz she's doing better tho still kinda mad at me_

18:41   He has two younger sisters himself. Dotes on them a bit. I'm sorry she's angry with you.

_18:44  Is ok :) shell get over it I'm sure by the time I (WE?) go home for break shell be fiiine_

18:45   Have you eaten? I don't want to be on campus right now.

_18:46   Sure lets go out is everything ok??_

18:50   Restless. I'll meet you at the bus stop in 20?

_18:51   You got it :)_

_18:51   Nice side step wolfie btw_

18:52   I am still thinking. When are you buying your ticket?

_18:53   Rates are better on weds so you have 5 days_

18:53   I wouldn't think there would be an appreciable difference.

_18:53   20 bucks is 20 bucks     you realize wed be taking the bus right??_

18:54   Well now I have to start thinking all over again.

_18:54   :P I'd let you have the window and some of my gummy bears_

_18:55   And give you a handjob in the bathroom_

18:56   Please no.

_18:56   Yeah your right going rate for a bus bathroom hand job is 1 meth and you don't even have any I do have some standards_

18:57   Well, you are dating me.

_18:57   I know lol thats why I said SOME_

18:58   I walked right into that.

_18:58   :x_

  
  


_09:20   Good morning_

09:20   Good morning, vhenan.

_09:21   Talk to me_

_09:21   Cass says you skipped class I thought you said that was a bad idea for now_

09:25   I know. I'm sorry, I should have texted her to let her know I wouldn't be there.

_09:25   Talk to me wolfie_

09:26   I just went down to the waterfront. I'm sorry, love, don't worry about me, I just needed to go for a walk. Just feeling a bit closed in. It won't effect anything, I can make it up easily.

_09:27   Ok_

_09:27   Screw it lets get out of here :)_

09:28   Ha! If only it were so easy.

_09:30   Where will we go? Theres a lot of roads leading away_

09:31   Places no one cares about any longer. Old restaurants on the highway, ridiculous tourist stops. Places that are faded out by the sun and worn down by time, where no one cares who you are.

_09:32   Sounds good to me_

_09:33   You don't belong here sweetheart_

09:34   I thought it was you that didn't feel like they belonged, vhenan.

_09:35   I have a reason to be here now   I know that sounds dumb but thats just how I work      you've helped me so much so ty wolfie <3 it feels good to have a plan!_

09:36   I just can't breathe any more. It feels so dramatic, but I am just so restless.

_09:38   I know_

_09:41   Just focus on tomorrow yeah?? Tomorrow we're gonna go get your new ids set up almost done getting rid of it_

09:50   I don't know what I'd do without you.

_09:51   Suck_

09:51   ...Thank you, vhenan, as always for your stunning insights.

_09:52   What I'm here for :) Done at 4 we'll go to Isa's for dinner??_

09:52   Yes. Please. I'll meet you there.  
  


  
  


16:02   Nathaniel knows someone who needs roommates.

_16:12   Baby no_

16:14   You can't even consider it?

_16:14   We can't afford it without your familys money which you are AWARE OF_

16:15   Why is that such a problem? It is there, why not use it? Why not get something out of them for how they act, how they are? At least then something good would come out of it all.

16:15   I don't sleep well when you aren't here.

_16:15   Dangerously close to guilt tripping wolfie_

16:20   You are right, that was wrong. Thank you, vhenan. You aren't responsible for my feelings, or this...whatever this is that I am dealing with. And I wouldn't take their money either. I just...feel trapped by it. Every aspect of my life seems controlled by it.

16:20   It feels like the solution to every problem.

_16:21   IDK if I'm allowed to or not tbh and even if I am I wouldn't live anywhere financed by your family end of story_

16:21   So I'll get a job.

_16:25   LOL I <3 babe but srsly? In what free time?? And you've never HAD one how are you gonna get one??_

16:27   If you needed a job to get a job no one would ever work. I do have a degree, you know.

_16:27   Ok so you'll what drop out and join the workforce??_

16:28   Oh, of course. Why not abandon all of my hard work? Sounds like a wonderful idea.

_16:28   TBH I don't know why you haven't already I wanted to say something but IDK what to say_

16:30   Vhenan that was a joke. Of course I am not dropping out, I've already put in almost six years.

_16:36   So six years is more valuable than the rest of your life?? B/C babe? You don't want to be a lawyer_

16:36   I don't?

_16:37   LOL your kidding right?? Babe you lost your reason for being here and your going nuts clawing up the walls mister study every night no matter what and I HAVE TO BE THE TOP is skipping classes to wander around aimlessly_

_16:37   You almost LEFT_

_16:38   Wolfie :/ Love.....I know we don't talk about it b/c its weird to talk about but its true you almost left and IDK why you stayed if it was for me I don't know if I can feel good about that_

_16:38   You lost your purpose and you're hunting for something you're not gonna find running from your cage to catch a breath of air before dragging yourself back in_

_16:40   You don't belong here any more sweetheart_

16:46   I belong with you.

_16:46   Not enough to waste a future on_

_16:50   Hey?_

16:55   I'm done talking about it. Ir abelas.

_16:56   OK :) Tel abelas wolfie <3_

16:57   You never use Elvhen with me, vhenan.

_16:57   B/C I'm supposed to be better at it than you and its embarrassing that I'm not ;P_

16:58   Come over after studying and we'll buy our tickets and have dinner?

_16:59   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

_17:00   Yes :D_

17:01   See you soon, love.

 


	36. Chapter 36

 

Ellana had ordered him to rest, relax, and for the first few hours he had. It had been easy when it was pitch dark out, two in the morning with her curled against his side, and then lying in his lap. He'd done some reading, then a little attempted doodling (still embarrassing efforts, but he was beginning to find he enjoyed it), and then at last just staring out of the window as the sun began to rise. He'd been tired, but somewhere around five that weariness had faded away.

Solas had seen the sun rise before, of course, especially in the winter. He tended to be an early riser to try and have some peace at the gym. This was different than a pleasant haze of pink and gold in the air behind the stately buildings of what he had always considered his destined home. His place of belonging. And, in a way, it was. He had proven to himself that he could succeed on his own merits, that it wasn't handed to him, nor denied to him because of who he was. He had the capability to be the best, to succeed where favored members of his family failed.

And it meant nothing, and likely never had.

Watching the sliver of the fiercely golden morning sun peeking between hills, swallowed by them, only to emerge victorious and ever-rising at the next valley was something much different than those tame and peaceful sunrises. The book he had dug out of the bag at his feet was resting idly on the window-side armrest as he watched it, other hand tucked under Ellana's upper arm to keep her steady.

She'd fallen asleep within a half hour of the ride beginning, amusingly enough, and he'd watched the movement of the bus lull her to sleep with ease. He still wasn't completely comfortable with this trip, but it had made her happy, and the last thing he wanted was to be apart from her and to be stuck at school (or worse, home) for a week alone. He could barely look at his books these days without getting angry.

He hadn't brought a single one with him. It wasn't just anger they caused him now, but anxiety, frustration. Enough that one or more of his professors had noticed, tried to speak to him. He didn't know what to say. He'd never been friendly with his cohort in the first place, so none of them cared, but he had always prided himself on a good relationship with his professors. It had never occurred to him before that leaving would disappoint them as well.

Four months and he would be done with this portion of the degree, ready to get his doctorate. It had seemed such a short time before, a small sprint to another victory.

Now it felt like an eternity.

For what felt like an hour he watched as the sun rose, casting a gilded glow across the landscape, losing himself in a silent part of his mind. Everything else wandered away, left him in peace as he succumbed to the rhythm of the road and the even, steady breath of the woman sleeping sprawled out across his lap.

Perhaps this would be a good idea after all.

 

Somehow Ellana managed to sleep until nearly eight, curled up awkwardly on her seat and slumped across his lap. He was idly playing with her hair when he felt her begin to rouse, giving a soft sigh and shifting against his thigh. Pulling his gaze away from his contemplation of the landscape, he glanced down at her, meeting hazy eyes as they slitted open slowly.

"Good morning, love." He greeted, and chuckled at her little groan, twisting hair back behind her ear. "I would imagine you've gotten a bit stiff?"

"Yeah." She sighed drowsily, slowly unfolding her legs, wincing all the while. "Where are we?"

"Two hours out?" He mused, glancing back towards the window, hunting for a sign. "Twenty miles to Torham. One hundred and thirty to Ostwick."

"I slept for like six hours?" She sounded so taken-aback that he laughed quietly, and she fixed him with a little mock-scowl as she pushed herself up. The sour expression quickly turned into another wince, and she reached up for the back of her neck. "Shit..."

"Come here." He ordered, and she gratefully leaned closer as he slowly slid a hand under her hair. "I am amazed at your ability to sleep on a moving bus."

"I am amazed that you didn't. Did you?" She mumbled, and then let out a sigh as he started massaging, voice going a bit more hazy. "Mmmh, never stop doing that, wolfie."

It had been strange to discover that at some point, the endearment had gone from a tolerated annoyance to something he actually enjoyed. Perhaps because it no longer came with any jokes about his name, just a small, affectionate bit of teasing that belonged only to them. And, when she murmured it in that soft, languorous voice, it was impossible to be in the least bit irritated.

"I may have drowsed off once or twice." He mused, glancing out the window again as he slowly worked the tension out of the back of her neck. "I have just been watching the scenery and thinking, for the most part."

"You sound more relaxed." She mentioned, smiling up at him as he turned his attention down to her, "The bus from Ostwick to the township is at noon. We'll have like an hour and a half, two hours."

"Lunch and a wander?" He suggested, returning her small nod. "I have been through Ostwick a few times, but never bothered to get to know it."

"It's kinda always been the place we go, but mostly to the mall of movie theater." She said, nose wrinkling slightly. "I like the old movie theater, the one that shows the old old ones, not the new stuff."

"Sadly, I don't think we have time, love, but I agree. That would be enjoyable." He mused, a hint of nervousness beginning to surface. Not terribly far now. "You did say your mother was fine with you bringing company?"

"Yeah, yeah. Honey, it's fine." She assured, still sounding half-asleep from the neck massage. "We don't have a lot of space, but it's not a big deal. We can go camping if you want for a couple days, too."

"Camping." He declared dubiously, glancing back out at the road again. Trees clustered down past the verge of the road, still nearly bare apart from a haze of green. "I assume you don't mean the type I am accustomed to, which means potentially freezing to death."

"We have invented fire, wolfie." She teased, smiling a little deeper as he turned to peer at her suspiciously. "Give it a couple days, you'll be more interested."

"That doesn't bode terribly well." He mused, and then smiled when she stuck out her tongue at him, fingers relenting in their massage, stroking through her hair. "If everything goes terribly, will I be able to convince you to run away with me to hole up in a hotel in Ostwick for the remainder of the time?"

"I guess. A cheap one." She retorted, and he bit back the instinctual annoyance, easy enough to do with her smiling at him, still with the edge of sleep softening it. "Knowing my mom, though, the only reason it'll go bad is because I'll lose my temper with her bullshit."

"You seem decided on that, love, but she could be making the effort now." He remarked, and then smiled at her frown and small sound of disagreement. "Well. You know her best. It might help you, though, if you try being a little more positive about it? You seem to be assuming the worst, and I worry that it might make this harder for you."

It didn't really seem to be his place, but she was unrelentingly negative about her mother, which was starting to worry him. Yes, she had no reason to trust her, and he could tell that she'd had her hopes dashed repeatedly before...but it seemed so out of character for her. For all her sharp edges and walls, she had a curious way of assuming the best about people that he wished he could share. It was never overt, not perky cheer or a gratingly sunny disposition, but a simple choice she made, day after day. Seeing her lose some of that optimism concerned him, even if she had good cause.

"Happy thoughts?" She asked with a hint of sarcasm, then laughed and slumped against his side when he eyed her. "Okay, okay, I get what you're saying, wolfie. What are you reading?"

Glancing down at the book still resting on the armrest, he picked it up and turned it over, eyeing it thoughtfully. He hadn't really known, actually, he'd just gone straight to the new authors section and picked something out. Something mindless, something to just be absorbed in, let his mind slip free for a time.

"I actually don't know. Seems to be some sort of crime thriller." He responded, flashing her the cover as she leaned in. "Hard in Hightown. It's a new author, I believe their first book, but it was recommended by the shop."

"That is a terrible name." Ellana laughed, peeking at the back-cover blurb as he turned it over. "It's in the city, though? That's kind of cool. The author's local?"

"Apparently." He murmured, flipping open the back of the book. "It seems so. Are you going to read over my shoulder?"

"Will you read to me?" She asked coyly, with that little cajoling lilt he knew she only used because it always worked on him. "Everything sounds better in your voice. I could listen to you read the phone book."

Clearing his throat roughly, he tried to fight back the slight flush unsuccessfully as she laughed quietly and snuggled in tighter. Letting her lift his arm and slip underneath it, he glanced down and aside as she offered her most charmingly sweet smile, not bothering to hide the blatant attempt at manipulation.

"We may bother the other people on the bus." He warned her quietly, enduring her quiet pout and the nudge of her nose against his cheek. "Stop, you have already won."

"Who are we going to bother? Lady with the three noisy kids? Sneaking booze in the bathroom guy? The annoying teenagers?" She asked impishly, and then laughed when he sighed heavily. "Please?"

"You have already won." He repeated, tucking an arm around her waist as she settled back down against his side. "But you already knew that. Try not to fall asleep again."

Her only response was a grumble, which he took as a signal to start. It didn't take long for both of them to become engrossed, her head tucked against his side, his hand idly wandering up and down her side. It kept them occupied until they finally arrived at their destination.

Solas was forced to reluctantly admit, in private, that there was a certain charm to traveling by bus.

 

 

 

Ostwick was busier than she remembered, which had made for nice people-watching at lunch. Good to see him relax, and maybe she was overdoing it on the trying to make him laugh, but goofing around was one of their favourite pastimes anyways. Lunch had been quick, and then they'd gone for their wander, meandering in and out of shops, keeping an eye on the time.

She'd noticed after the first street, he seemed to keep heading towards the little antique stores and consignment shops, enough so that she was starting to get curious.

"Whatcha looking for?" She asked, after their fourth stop, and he pulled his gaze away from a wall of paintings, pulling up the strap of his bag. "Sorry, I guess it just seems like you're hunting for something."

"The painting I showed you? The one my father made?" He began, reaching down for her hand as he turned away from the wall.

She gave a faint 'mhm', dredging up the memory. Sunset-colored, all impressions and texture, it reminded her of looking down a narrow street just before evening crept in. He kept it carefully packed in his closet. It obviously meant a lot to him, but she wasn't quite sure why he wouldn't hang it on his wall, and hadn't wanted to poke at it by asking. He'd shown it to her, but he'd been weirdly subdued about the whole thing. Luckily, it seemed like he was taking to her prodding about trying art for himself.

Maybe it would help.

"That is the only painting I have, as I mentioned. There were some in a gallery when he passed, and the owner sold them rather hurriedly, before they could be recovered by the family." Solas remarked quietly, and she gave a faint 'aah' under her breath, fingers twisting up with his comfortingly. "I am unaware of where any of his other work is, but I hope...that I will be able to find some of it. Unfortunately he is relatively unknown. I doubt there are more than a dozen, perhaps twenty that might be found. I would be surprised if people are very careful with art from an unknown artist."

"Well, we'll keep looking. I assume you've looked online before?" She asked, glancing sidelong and returning his nod with one of her own, and a smile. "Okay, so, we just gotta keep looking. Something's bound to turn up eventually."

"Online is likely our safest bet..." He murmured absently, following along as she took the lead, wending between long tables laden with small curiosities. "But I cannot help but think each store I do not step into is a wasted opportunity."

"We've got time." She promised, pausing to look over a display of tiny, ornate little boxes. "Look at these...what the heck would you need a box that small for?"

"They are...trinket boxes, I believe." Solas mused over her shoulder, reaching around to gently pick one up, chuckling at her little worried inhale. "Vhenan, if they didn't want them touched, they would put them in a case."

Hard not to be enchanted by the little thing, small enough to fit in her palm when he took her hand and deposited it there. Ornate silver, oval in shape, it was obviously old from the hints of patina darkening the edges of the swirling design. Carefully levering open the lid, she peeked into the velvet-lined interior, smiling wistfully.

"It's freaking ridiculous." She sighed, turning it over in her fingers, and grimacing. "And expensive. Yikes. Who the heck would make something so tiny?"

"They are meant for individual pieces of jewelry, if I remember correctly. Back before little black boxes were the thing." He replied, taking it back to set it on the shelf when she handed it over. "The box itself was part of the gift, meant to keep the jewelry safe when not worn. The ones without feet may be pill boxes, though, you'd have to ask someone more knowledgeable."

"I like tiny little things. Like, itty bitty statues and stuff like that." She admitted fondly, picking up another one with a painted ceramic lid, examining it curiously. "When I was a kid, I would always get those horrible see-through plastic animals? The ones that were made to look like the glass figurines. I had tons of them from the diner quarter machine."

"Hmmm. Set that one down." He suggested, leaning over her and picking something carefully off of the top shelf. "Open up your hand for me."

Curiously she did so, holding out her palm as he pulled back again, weight lifting off of her shoulder. Carefully he set down another patina-darkened silver box, this one almost shaped like a tiny treasure chest with short curved legs. The lid was patterned with minuscule butterflies woven into the overall design. Reluctantly enchanted, she examined it, unable to help the abashed smile that touched her lips.

"There is nothing ironic about my love for butterflies." She admitted with a longing sigh, and felt him laugh against her back. "I am not cool. This is absolutely gorgeous. How the heck did they make all that detail?"

"With very small tools. I promise not to tell anyone that the butterfly tattoo is not ironic." He informed her, and kissed her temple.

"Hmph. If other people are seeing it then I need a longer skirt." She muttered, carefully opening the lid to examine the dusty silk lining, and then hesitantly turning it over. "And...yikes. Two hundred bucks. Put it back, put it back."

"Are you certain?" He asked, voice trailing off significantly.

Irritably, she grabbed his hand and placed the little box into it, fingers lingering only for a rueful moment. She felt him sigh, and then obediently reach up and carefully set the trinket back in its place. She flexed her fingers against her palm, and then straightened up and took a step back, forcing him to pull away.

"You bought me lunch." She reminded him, letting him secure her hand again, fingers twisting together. "C'mon, I saw a place up the street that looked promising."

Reluctantly, he trailed after her, glancing over his shoulder as she dragged him out of the shop. She didn't look back, not wanting to give him a reason to try and sneak back to buy it for her. Because she knew, given half a chance he would. It was sweet, but spending his awful family's money was spending their money, no matter how well intentioned. She sure as hell wasn't going to condone it just so he could buy her a present.

"I'll let ya buy me a candy bar when we go grocery shopping later." She promised him, trying not to sound as amused as she was. "Will that make you feel better?"

"Not particularly. We are going grocery shopping?" He asked, sounding a bit puzzled by the abrupt shift in conversation.

"Oh...I already know we are. Just you wait and see..." She replied, drawing out the words ominously as she wandered down the sidewalk. "Just you wait and see."

 

 

 

An odd sensation, feeling completely out of place.

He couldn't particularly say he'd ever felt _this_ out of place before. The town they'd arrived in could kindly be called 'small', though at the moment he was leaning more towards 'minuscule'. She'd pointed out the places that they'd passed, the school and high school that were practically larger than the town center by themselves, what appeared to be the town's only restaurant, a few small shops and the clan offices. It was disorienting, walking down a street lined with buildings where none were larger than two stories, and realizing that he was in fact...'downtown'.

Past the town center things seemed to open up, paved rods giving way to dirt wandering off into the woods, which was also rather disorienting. As was the fact that five cars had gone by in the twenty minutes it took them to find her home, and all but one had stopped to offer them a ride.

"Do you know everyone?" He finally asked with bemused exasperation as she waved farewell to a pickup truck that had stopped dead in the middle of the road to offer them a lift.

"What? No." She denied instantly, but with a grin, continuing down the road. "Just most of them. That was my volleyball coach! And when I worked over at the mall in Blye I worked with his daughter for a while at the cookie store."

"Bit of a commute for a teenager." He remarked absently, trying to remember how far out the slightly larger town was. Generous to call the shopping center a mall, but he had a feeling saying so might annoy her. "I suppose most things are."

"Yeah, basically. That's why I needed a car. I sold it to a friend who was a sophomore when I left." She murmured absently, and then gave a faint sigh. "I seriously don't feel comfortable with them living this far out of town. I'm hoping that before I start next year I can convince her to move the house in closer."

"Move the house." He repeated, and then sighed at her sardonic sidelong look. "Now you are baiting me on purpose."

"A little bit. It's pretty damn immobile." She admitted with a laugh, tucking her hand into his arm when he tried to cross the road to get away from her. "Nooo!"

"Here I am, trying to be pleasant and open-minded, and you are teasing me!" He scoffed, enduring her laughter with a stony expression for a few more moments before finally cracking himself, giving a faint chuckle. "How much further, love?"

"Not that far." She assured, squinting down the road and slipping her arm more securely through his. "I could have called her to come pick us up, but it's not a long walk."

"I don't mind." He declared, and found that it was true, scanning the wooded area they were heading through. "The road seems awfully narrow. Can you even pass people on it?"

"Yeah, more or less, but it can get tight at times. It's not really that narrow, just no extra space to leave as much of the forest untouched as possible." She replied mildly, grinning up at his curious look. "Conservation, remember? This is technically a national forest."

"Ah. That is true, isn't it?" He declared musingly, and nodded at her faint 'mhmm'. "Do a lot of people here end up going to the College of Forestry and Conservation over in Ostwick, then?"

"A decent few? There's no clan quota or anything for people going into that, but it's a guaranteed job, so obviously..." She trailed off, waving a hand to finish her sentence wordlessly. "We get a lot of camping tourists here, not many of the other kind since there's no sights to see they care about, but they keep the knickknack shops in business during the summer and autumn, and they're generally not assholes."

He was about to say something, but the road and wood opened up to a rapid decline that led into a small valley. A dozen caravans seemed to be set up as permanent homes there, each with their own driveway. In another of those quiet personal revelations he kept to himself, he admitted that they were slightly bigger than he was anticipating. It was somewhat of a relief to realize there was no reactionary surge of distaste or disgust, which he had been afraid of.

Finding out if he was a...snob, as she'd put it, underneath the artifice was a bit touch and go. Solas wasn't feeling wholly up to any harsh revelations about himself. He had had enough of those to deal with as of late.

He couldn't blame her for the fact that she'd stalled to stare at him expectantly. He'd done enough damage that they hadn't healed it entirely, not yet. The smile he offered her he hoped was reassuring, fingers tightening on the curve of her arm as he nodded down the hill.

"Which one is your mother's, love?" He asked, taking a half step before the drag on his arm lightened, and she started keeping pace.

"The green and silver one! It's vintage. I keep trying to convince her to let me fix it up and sell it, it's basically the perfect time to offload it." She replied cheerfully, much to his relief, seeming abruptly in much higher spirits. "Hipster dorks would eat it up. At least, they would if I could get it roadworthy. I guess roadtripping isn't a huge thing right now, though. But I bet I could turn a profit on it and she could get something newer."

"If she's comfortable, is it worth arguing over?"

"Yes and no, I guess." She mused as they paced down the hill, spring breeze picking up a little, making the evergreens whisper behind them. "I worry about her. She's was in really bad shape, and hasn't been taking care of herself since, so if there were repairs and stuff she needed to do because it's so old, she wouldn't be up for it."

"You have had your stepfather until now, haven't you?" He asked, finding a bit of hesitance creeping into his voice. "Have such things really been your responsibility, vhenan?"

"What?" She asked with a sudden laugh, glancing aside, expression wry. "No, well, I mean...stuff has to get handled, right? Mac works a lot of hours. I just kind of took it up myself. I mean, not plumbing, though I could probably figure it out, but stuff like basic car maintenance, changing out fixtures, unclogging drains, sure. But that's just normal stuff. I'm gonna take some time to do a top to bottom while we're here."

It was abruptly odd to hear her speak, as if a sudden weight had returned to her shoulders. Her voice a little slower, a little more measured. Tired. He wondered if she even realized it. It was as if she was picking up a burden once more that she'd been able to leave behind for a while. It felt a little rude to extrapolate, but it did make a bit of the old disdain make sense. A great many of her other habits and behaviors, as well.

And, yet again, only impressed him all the more with her strength.

"You are incredible." He informed her quietly aside.

"It's simple, wolfie, not magic." She replied, nudging her hip against his, cheeks flushing. "I'll teach you how to change oil, if you're willing to get your hands dirty."

"My heart says no, but my mind says yes." He sighed, pleased when it made her laugh.

"Technically, I'm your heart, and I say yes, too, so..." She mused, as they hit the bottom of the hill and headed for the old caravan, "You're outnumbered."

"And pleased to be so." He declared, nervousness beginning to rise as they made it to the end of the driveway.

His gaze fixed on the waiting front door, he didn't realize he'd stalled until she gave his hand a small shake, dragging his attention back to her.  They shared a look, and he let himself sink into the comfort of it, her eyes relaxed, smile just a little bit sardonic.  Feet crunching on the drive, she turned back towards him, squaring her shoulders, a gesture he returned.

"Hey." She said gently, ducking her head and tilting it to the side as she peeked up into his face, "You've got this. I told you I'd try to trust you, didn't I?"

"Retreat is still an option." He replied, and then chuckled at her exasperated sigh. "Yes, my love, into the fray."

"Oof. Uncomfortably accurate." She muttered under her breath, and then smiled and lifted her chin, turning away. "C'mon. They're more afraid of you than you are of them."

"Except for Mira." He reminded her, as she tugged his hand.

Her laughter made it a little easier to follow where she led.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you in advance for your patience the next week or two, I am 1) out of backlog (except for the epilogue which is completely written) and 2) dealing with some RL stuff/moving. updates will be slightly slower as I work out the last handful of chapters to the story. <3 <3


	37. Chapter 37

**Mythal**

 

_14:51 I'm not certain what I've done to deserve my calls being ignored, but I'd love to be enlightened._

14:52 I was busy.

_14:52 Still sulking? This isn't really like you._

15:53 No. Just busy.

_15:53 This has gone on long enough. We need to discuss this in person, your uncle and I are at the house in Treviso with the Richters. Just call a car, I'll have my assistant buy you a ticket. Their girls are here, apparently there is some sort of music festival this week. You will enjoy that._

15:54 I'm out of town. I don't have time for this.

_15:55 Excuse me? Since when have you spoken to me like this?_

15:55 I don't know, perhaps I finally learned something of value from this family. I'll be back very late Sunday if you still want to harangue me.

_15:56 That was uncalled for._

15:57 You're right. It was. I am just very tired of everything.

_15:58 Falon'din has been a trial lately to you, I understand. I wish that you wouldn't lash out at me because of it. You know that I'd never support him over you, I'm not sure why you're taking it out on me._

16:00 I'm just tired of being the only one who has to live up to any form of standards. I'm beyond tired of it. Why do I have to be the one who behaves while they lavishly waste money and liberally abuse all bounds of common sense and decency?

 

"Now tell her you're gonna go get your dick pierced and tattoo your head." Ellana suggested contentedly, from her snooping position against his side, cheek against his chest.

"You are such an excellent help, vhenan." He murmured, and then leaned down to obediently kiss her when she tilted her chin up.

Short and sweet, but soothing, it helped with the lingering guilt. When he pulled back, she tucked her cheek back against his shoulder, peering at the screen in his hand. The house had been empty when they arrived a half hour ago, which he was a bit grateful for. Better to absorb it with just Ellana, in case he might make the mistake of being unintentionally rude. It was, as he had noticed from the outside, bigger than he expected, but he was still glad that only she had been there for his reaction to the ah...sleeping arrangements.

Well. There was apparently a first time for everything, which now included sleeping on a bunk bed. She'd insisted that he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch.

Reluctantly, he dragged his attention from her face back to the phone as well.

"How much more of a fit should I throw?"

"Well, you don't want her to stage an intervention or something." She mused, slinging her leg over his knee and scooting closer. "I think it was a pretty good tantrum."

"Thank you for your help." He murmured, turning off his phone on Mythal's brusque response. He could deal with the aftermath later. "Why is that the piercing you defaulted to, I wonder?"

"I don't know, I think it would be kinda fun to play with." She mused, and then grinned a little wider at the look he gave her. "Maybe I'm just buttering you up until you let me pierce your ears."

"I was under the impression..." He declared musingly, a little lean back sinking the cushion of the worn-in couch deeper, forcing her to press a little tighter against him, "That you enjoyed playing with it just as it is."

"Are you trying to get naughty with me?" She asked in a playful gasp, slinging up to straddle his thigh when he tugged her waist with his hand. "I know you too well for that, if I tried you'd just push me off."

"They could be home any time." He pointed out, and then chuckled at her little eyeroll.

As she settled, he lifted both hands to brush her hair back from her face, well aware that a faint smile on his lips was probably fatuous. It was reassuring looking up at her face, absorbing it, acknowledging that he was making the right choice. No, it wasn't about her, and it wasn't fair to put that burden on her, but it helped.

"I expected you to be kind of weird about the place." She admitted, bringing his mind back to the moment, "Sorry, I guess that's rude, but..."

"It is a bit out of my comfort zone." He said, acknowledging it with a smile, glancing off to his left. "I was wondering where you held the formal dinners."

"Uh, in the bathroom, of course! Where else would you hold them? Saves time." She responded, relaxing a bit at the joke, the slight frown fading from her lips. "I know it's dumb to like...want your approval so much, I guess it's more important to me than I realized."

"Did you know..." He mused, leaning back against the sofa, glancing over his shoulder idly, "If you went into my aunt and uncle's house, there's two rooms off of the entry, to either side of the main staircase, one to your left, and one to your right. Both are fully decorated, mind you, but they exist for no other purpose than to be perfect. We're not allowed to use the furniture."

He could see the moment that broke her brain, the little twisted grimace and the squint of her eyes rousing a sudden laugh from him. Then again, he was nearly certain that she pulled those exaggerated faces now and again just to get him to laugh.

"Well, I know if I was growing up in that house, I would have jumped on that damn furniture every chance I got. With muddy shoes, too." She declared smugly, smile deepening to meet the one he offered her. "How do you think the springs on this couch got ruined?"

"It's comfortable, though I'm not certain how I'm going to stand up again. I'm hardly in a position to pass judgment, love. I thought I was before, but that just seems ridiculous now." He admitted musingly, glancing around the admittedly small space. "Money doesn't seem to have bought my family much of worth, has it?"

"Well, it didn't buy you." She said affectionately, the warmth in her voice drawing his attention back, meeting her smile. "Though she sure was trying there, wasn't she? Can't even offer a bribe without making it seem like a punishment."

"It has worked for her remarkably well before, my heart." He reminded her, and then glanced to his left at the sound of a car approaching, the nervousness he'd finally quelled beginning to rise again. "It seems we're out of time."

"Oh, relax." She demanded exasperatedly, and then tugged him into a kiss he was willing to return, but not linger over.

Or at least he hadn't been, but yet again, he'd underestimated just how easy it was for her to break through his resistance. All it took was the demanding drag of her tongue, and then the little bite she knew always pulled him under. Retaliation was impossible to resist, his hand lifting to trace along her jaw as he rolled her bottom lip in his teeth, enjoying the little shiver he could feel under his fingertips.

The front door slammed open unceremoniously, slapping into the wall with a clatter, so loud that he startled, muscles tensing as he tore himself away from her. There was a moment of silence as they stared at each other, and then Ellana sighed amusedly, draping her arms over the back of the couch, resting her chin on top of his shoulder. He gave her a nudge, but she didn't move, even when he pushed a hand against her hip. This was really not how he wanted to meet her mother.

"Vhenan..." He muttered, quiet aside interrupted by a loud, frustrated cry.

"I hate school!"

The exclamation came in a voice he was all too familiar with, accompanied by the stomp of small feet and a thud as something was thrown against the wall.

"School looooves you." Ellana replied lazily, and then laughed at the small squeaky noise of surprise that followed her words. "Hey, buggy, what are you..."

She cut off with an 'oof', and he felt her weight shift in his lap from her rear to her knees as she was thrown forward against his chest. He pulled to the side, but not in time to avoid a small smack from a flailing hand as Mira threw her arms around her sister's neck and practically yanked her over the back of the couch.

"Can't...breathe..." The gasp sounded more theatrical than ragged, but reluctantly the grip on Ellana was loosened.

"It's not fair you have break this week and I have break next week! I wanna come to school with you for my break!" Her sister pouted, but he could already hear the shifting of her attention. And feel, in the case of the stare being leveled on the side of his face. "Why is _he_ here?"

"Because he's my boyfriend and I like him. Why are you rude?" Ellana replied cheerfully, settling back against his thigh as Mira released her. This time when he nudged her, she relented with a sigh, plopping next to him on the couch and turning around.

"Because I don't like him." Mira replied, wandering around the side of the couch to peer into his face.

"I like you just fine, Mira." He countered mildly, and then added as she narrowed her eyes at him, hands on her hips, "I did buy you ice cream. And lunch."

"You did? Man, what an ungrateful butthead." Ellana sighed, shaking her head, and then grinning as the glare was leveled on her. "Mira Belle, relax, okay? Be nice to Solas, mom said he could come visit."

"I thought your name was Fen'harel." She accused, arms tightening a bit as she glanced between them disapprovingly. "I don't hafta like him, Ellie _Mae."_

"Mira _butt_." Ellana countered cheerfully, absently finding his hand and threading her fingers through his.

Feeling more and more out of place by the second, he watched the interplay with a bit of confusion. Were they fighting, or not? He was fairly sure he should say something, being the source of the strife, but he wasn't even sure what he could add to this.

It sounded like an argument, but it didn't feel like one.

"I'm not a butt, you're a butt!" Mira countered, and then raised her voice as the door opened again. "Mom, why did you say Ellie could bring her dumb boyfriend?"

"Oh! Welcome home!" The wispy, pleasantly flustered voice came from over his shoulder, and by habit, he started to rise.

No point forgetting his manners. Better to get the nerves out of the way, even if Mira was still being...what he could only assume was antagonistic. As before, he was all too aware that she glared exactly like her older sister did.

"He's not dumb, your butt is dumb." Ellana declared cheerfully, rising with him, her hand still securely tucked into his, fingers tightening in a comforting squeeze. "Hey, mom. Your car was home, I was a little confused not to find you here!"

"Well, you have your keys. I...oh!"

He'd always thought Ellana was on the shorter side, but it was odd when he turned to face her mother to realize just how small she really was. They looked a great deal alike, even more so than the sisters did, but Sharra was as frail as her voice. Delicate would be putting it politely, he thought. Then again, Ellana had told her that she had been quite ill.

It wasn't just her frame, or her voice, but the fluttery motions of her hands, her quick, almost nervous motions.

After about ten seconds of being stared at while Sharra wrung her hands, he glanced down helplessly at Ellana, who was watching with an exasperated look on her face.

"Mom." She finally sighed, not even bothering to hide her amused annoyance. "This is Solas. Solas, the person staring at you blankly is my mom."

"I'm sorry. Nehna and I carpooled to pick up the girls because the car was making a noise and I was worried. I'll have to get it looked at, I'm afraid it's not in the budget, but we will find the money somewhere..." It was awkwardly uncomfortable, the fact that she was staring at him while speaking, and he glanced aside at Ellana uncertainly.

Was he expected to respond?

"It's fine, mom, I'll look at it." Ellana interrupted quickly, voice leaning more towards amused than annoyed now. "Relax. You're getting yourself worked up over nothing."

"You're very tall." Sharra said abruptly, and this time he was aware she was talking directly to him, instead of just...talking. He wasn't given a chance to respond, as she kept fluttering on. "Oh! I'm sorry, that was so incredibly rude, I cannot believe I said that. Sometimes things just...come out of my mouth, I am very sorry."

"I am not offended, I assure you." He replied cautiously, carefully, but was all the more confused when she turned rather red. "I..."

"Mom, do we need to go grocery shopping, before it gets much later?" Ellana asked as his voice trailed off, her mother's gaze snapping into focus, the flush in her cheeks remaining. "It's fine, mom, I'm not gonna be mad."

"Yes, thank you, dearest." Sharra said with some relief, opening her arms as Ellana released his hand and stepped forward to give her a hug. "I have been trying to follow the things you wrote down, but there is so much to do, and so little time..."

"It's fine, mom. I know, Mira said you've been trying. I'll pick up some stuff that I can teach you to make, okay?" She replied, and suddenly he became aware of just what had seemed off about this whole interaction. "Not just pancakes, huh?"

It was almost as if their roles were reversed. Ellana had mentioned before some of the issues with her mother, but he hadn't realized just how...backwards their dynamic would be. The instant Ellana released her mother, Sharra was retreating, taking a few steps back with a small, nervous smile. It made him feel rather awkward, almost as if it were he that was making her uncomfortable, but Ellana was still being reassuringly relaxed.

"I am just going to go call Patty, dear." Sharra said, a nervous little smile flickered from her daughter to him, though her eyes seemed to move past him. "I'll just leave that to you all, yes? I would take care of it, but I never know what to get, I always do something wrong."

"Okay, mom. Tell Aunt Patty I say hi." Ellana replied mildly, and then turned back to him as her mother fled for what he assumed was her bedroom, considering it was the only room he hadn't been shown.

The door quietly creaked closed and latched, as if it too was nervous, and Ellana sighed and wandered over to him around the couch again, shaking her head. There was still a smile on her lips, but rueful now.

"I admit, I am confused." He said to her, and she gave a small laugh, leaning forward to rest her forehead against his shoulder. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, she just thinks you're hot." Ellana replied exasperatedly, and then laughed at the loud 'ewww' from behind them. "Too bad for her, I'm pretty sure you're taken."

And taken-aback, at the moment, trying to process that a bit. At least Ellana didn't sound worried about it, which reassured him. Trying to wrap his head around that, he finally sighed and shook his head.

"Very, vhenan." He told her, and she grinned broadly.

"Good answer." She declared, and then abruptly popped up on her toes and kissed him soundly, arms slinging around his neck.

Lured into returning it, he forgot all about their audience until the loud exclamation of disgust that had Ellana laughing against his mouth, and a pillow hit both of them in the head. Momentarily stunned, he was left standing there as Ellana ducked around him and grabbed a cushion from the couch, descending on her hysterically laughing sister for revenge.

Bemused, he turned to watch them as they started fighting in earnest. Strangely, he realized he was feeling a bit...jealous. He remained an observer until Ellana turned on him, and then he was finally drawn into the fray by a pillow to the face.

Two against one wasn't exactly fair, but they were odds he was happy to take.

 

 

 

Ellie was quite proud of herself, really, for navigating the whole meeting the family mess. Trust mom to get a weird crush on her boyfriend, but that was just her in a nutshell. Being awkward and flustered was better than being invasive at least. The problem with the car was, as she'd anticipated, precisely nothing, though she'd need to do more than a cursory once-over tomorrow to make sure.

But it was driving fine, even with her at the wheel. Solas did _not_ care for her driving. He didn't need to say anything, she'd seen him subtly grab at the door handle at a turn. Ellie wasn't quite sure _why_ she found that so funny, but she did.

The grocery store wasn't super busy, luckily, when they made it in, because it was small enough to make shopping a pain if everyone wanted to go at once. Not like it was a tiny hole in the wall, but if you wanted more than one kind of tomato, you were basically shit out of luck. The car needed gas, but she was pretty sure she could make mom do it tomorrow, rather than risking another run-in with Hunter. She did not want anything screwing up this week. Solas needed to relax, not deal with the remnants of her left-behind baggage.

He seemed better after the goof-around at home, though she was all too aware that mom had probably weirded him out a little. Honestly? Ellie was pretty happy with it all. Mom was trying. She'd checked the budget book, and it'd all been filled out, and the pantry had canned stuff and cereal and things for Mira, the laundry alcove in the bathroom wasn't filled up to the ceiling with dirty clothes.

She'd halfway expected to get home and find a sink and counter full of dishes waiting for her.

"Okay okay okay." She said, wandering into the store, all too aware of shorty and the boyfriend giving each other the occasional eyeing. Mira hadn't completely relaxed yet. "We've got a week, campers. Lieutenant Mira, what's in the freezer?"

"Ummmh! Pork chops? And Aunt Patty brought some frozen meatballs." Mira declared, marching ahead now, swiping a basket out of the small pile. "And a lasagna but we ate it. And maybe frozen peas. Gross."

"Okay, so, let's just work it out here. Spaghetti, grilled cheese, hotdogs, we still have rice and pasta, but let's get beans and extra ground beef for burgers, and eggs." Ellie mused, tucking her arm through Solas' as he gave her a slightly bemused look, tugging him onwards. "What, never made a shopping list before?"

"Are you planning out the whole week in your head?" He asked, and then sighed at her broad grin. "I've said something ridiculous again?"

"No, I just never thought of it like that. I guess so?" She replied, tugging him to the left as Mira turned right, out of habit. "Lieutenant, hit the sales, and get a bag of onions, a bag of the big potatoes, two peppers, some apples, a bunch of bananas, some other fruit...a lemon," Her voice started lifting a little as Mira went barreling off with a cart, adding hopefully, "and probably some lettuce?"

"Only probably?" Solas asked her as she tugged him in the other direction, towards the bread aisle.

"We eat the roughage because we're supposed to." She informed him cheerfully, attention half on scanning the shelves as they wandered along, keeping an eye out for the bright yellow tags. Always worth looking for sales. "So we're gonna get burger and hotdog buns, a loaf of bread for toast and sandwiches, a couple whole chickens, a big thing of the cheap ground beef, tea, and a package of sausages."

The cheapest ones were, as was usually the case, cheapest again, with no sales beating them. One after another, she swung them into the basket, not bothering to look upmarket.

"And beans and eggs, love." He reminded her, much to her amusement as they turned down another aisle. "No bacon or anything?"

"Not here. Maybe if we had time to go in to Blye, but it's kinda overpriced here." She said absently, pausing to grab a couple of bags of dried beans off the shelf. Might as well try to teach mom how to make them. "Bacon's weird, it can be so completely overpriced one week, and the nosedive the next. You've got to keep an eye on the price per..."

She became aware that, yet again, he was giving her one of those weird looks. All fine and dandy if they were nice ones, but these she couldn't read, and it was making her uneasy. Probably paranoid, but considering she was already a little on edge, some reassurance would be nice.

"Am I being dumb again?"

"No!" He assured instantly, glancing at her, startled. "No, absolutely not, it is just...more complex than I anticipated."

"Gotta play the prices, baby!" She laughed in relief, pulling him onward by the elbow. "C'mon, I'll show you how to buy a chicken."

"It's everything I have ever wanted..." He deadpanned, trailing along a step behind her as she dragged him.

"I know you're picky as hell, so if you can just...nudge me a little, or grab a few things for yourself?" She suggested, hopefully. "I don't want it to be a thing where I cook and then you don't like it and things get weird."

"I don't care for almost all sausages." He admitted, sounding so chagrined that she laughed a bit. "And I really don't care for ground beef in pasta sauce, though occasionally meatballs are acceptable."

"Okay, so, wolfie...this is where you buy your own food. I'm not offended, I kinda expected this." She assured, because he still kind of looked worried. "We just don't have the budget for..."

"No, no. Absolutely, I understand." He assured her instantly, and then chuckled quietly. "I didn't expect grocery shopping to be so unsettling."

"Yeah, something seems a little off. What's up?" She asked, letting him tuck his arm in hers, shifting the basket out of the way.

"Your family. It just feels strange, I suppose..." He started, and then hastened to add at the narrow look she shot him, "Not like that, love. You depend on one another, don't you? I can't imagine ever going...grocery shopping with my family."

"I...guess? I mean, some people tell me mom depends on me too much, but we're trying to work on that. I just gotta figure out how to get her to without leaning on Mira, you know?" Ellie replied, tugging him along as they turned to the meats. "I've been doing the shopping since I was her age. And the cooking, more or less. She shouldn't have to."

The surprised look he shot her, she met with a grin and a little lift of her shoulders, pushing away the implied pity with humor. People always acted like it was a big deal. Made her feel weird.

"It's dumb, but it's true, I got sick of her cooking so I started demanding stuff like frozen pizzas and things, but she said we couldn't afford them all the time. So I just...I don't know. I knew I liked spaghetti, and that's just meat, sauce, and pasta, right?" The memory brought a little smile to her lips, as she pulled him along, voice a bit wistful. "I dumped them all in the pot together. The pasta soaked up all the water in the sauce, the meat basically disintegrated...it was a _mess_."

"How old were you?" He asked quietly, as she scanned the shelves.

"Nine, maybe? And mom...she freaking ate a whole plate of the goop, telling me that she was so proud of me for trying...she's kind of a disaster, but..." For some reason this was weirdly emotional, and it shouldn't be, but it was, enough that she felt her throat ache, making the words just a little harder to get out. "I mean, I am too, but...I've never doubted for a second that she loved me. Never, ever questioned that. She's just...she needs so much, all the time. I just wish she didn't put so much weight on me. On everybody. It's like she never...I don't know, learned to be responsible for herself. Not just chores or cooking, but feelings, too. Everything."

"That doesn't seem fair, no."

His voice was noncommittal, nudging her to keep talking gently, so she did. Her arm bumped his upper arm briefly, and he curled his fingers a little more securely against her arm. Walking tucked together was a little awkward, considering his bloody long legs, but he didn't seem to mind too much.

"I wanted to...I wanted to dump it all, you know. Start school far away, shrug off every bit of the weight, leave it behind. Sometimes I still think it would have been the best thing to do." She admitted, feeling that little twinge again when she thought about art school. It happened every time, but damned if she was going to wallow and let opportunity pass her by. "But I think I can do this, for me. I can live my life without leaving it all behind, you know...the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm doing the right thing. Taking this opportunity and using it to help other people. Maybe it's not what I expected, but what ever is?"

He'd gone quiet again, staring at a pork loin with a withdrawn intensity she was pretty sure wasn't meant for dead pig. When she gave his arm a little jiggle, he blinked abruptly, glancing down and aside at her. The darkness of his pensive eyes was worrying her, and she knew it was showing on her face when he leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"Nothing, love, it just makes me wonder that if my instincts are...mistaken." He murmured, following as she gave him a little tug along. "If I am wasting an opportunity myself."

Ah, that was it, then. The bloody ghost of the suitcase, that they still wouldn't quite talk about in full, except sidelong every now and again. That and the...four months, the climbing up the walls. Her poor wolfie. Hopefully the week away would help get some of it out of his system.

She'd have to drag him for a wander tomorrow bright and early.

"No, it's completely different." She insisted, tightening her grip on his arm. "Completely different. Almost the opposite, really, it never was something you chose for yourself. I told you before, didn't I? You're still looking for something. I found something."

"You think I cannot find it there?" He asked her, glancing down and aside.

For some reason she couldn't meet his eyes, fidgety, as she sorted through the packaged chickens. Better to find someone to buy some off of, but it was kinda short notice for that. Maybe over the summer she'd figure out some sort of deal or something with one of the farmers nearby.

"Yeah. Honestly, that's exactly what I think. I don't think they're gonna let you go if you stay in their...zone." She finally replied, pulling out a couple of bagged chickens. "I think that you've got to get away from them. Completely. Watching them keep trying to drag you in is scary."

Unfortunately, it was both true, and the wrong thing to say. It was getting kind of annoying, though, that the wrong thing to say kept being the truth. Grated on her, as much as she hated talking about uncomfortable things, she also didn't like him doing...

"I would rather not discuss it any more." Solas said abruptly, unsurprisingly. "I am sorry."

That.

"About what I expected." She replied, tightening her fingers on his arm and forcing a smile as he glanced down at her. "It's okay, hon, I know it's been rough lately. Let's get this done."

"I love you." He reminded her in a quiet aside, as she pulled him along.

"I know." She agreed, willingly focusing on that now. "I know, wolfie."

 

No point ruining their vacation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! All moved and somewhat settled :x


	38. Chapter 38

It was a nice morning, a sunny chill in the air as Ellie packed their bags and listened to Mira chattering over her cereal. Luckily Cherry next door had a pack that'd fit Solas, she'd grabbed it first thing and then escaped before she could get dragged into a three hour gab session. He was still sleeping, and mom was already holed up in her room working. She'd have to remember to leave lunch for her.

"Are you staying out overnight?" Mira asked suspiciously as she folded up a sleeping bag as tightly as she could and shoved it into the bottom of the second pack. "That's not fair! You gotta wait until Friday so I can come too."

"You say everything isn't fair. At some point, bug, you're just gonna have to accept that some stuff isn't and get over it." Ellie joked, and then grinned at the annoyed huff her sister gave her. "It depends on how it goes. I'm gonna pack like we are. Besides, we're leaving Saturday night, if we went on Friday, we wouldn't have time to help if we find something that needs doing."

"I'm gonna do forest training too! Keeper says if I work hard, I can do it when I turn fifteen." Mira proclaimed loudly, and then hastily shoveled two more bites into her mouth when a car turned into the drive outside.

"Yeah? I didn't do mine until I was seventeen. That's pretty cool, bug." Ellie said tolerantly, grimacing a little as she shoved another bite into her mouth. "Jeez, don't choke yourself. Go on, I'll get your dishes."

"F'ks, Ellie." Mira mumbled, grabbing her backpack and galumphing for the door. "Don' get lost!"

"Rude. Say hi to Nehna for me!" Ellie replied cheerfully, waving until the front door slammed. With a grin on her face, she shook her head and went back to packing.

At this point she was about fifty percent sure if she could get him out of town and into the woods, he'd enjoy himself. She was just a little bit worried that he'd just refuse. It would have been better to get started before sunrise, but she was aware that most people didn't wake up way too early like she tended to. School had turned her into a slug for some reason, but when she'd opened her eyes at five this morning, she'd realized that it wasn't gone entirely.

Maybe it had something to do with being in the city.

The little collapsible cooler was where she'd left it, and cramming it full of stuff they'd grabbed last night in no time flat. Most of what they needed was dry, anyways. Luckily Uncle Rick was basically addicted to his dehydrator, and the pantry was full of junk to take with. Maybe not super exciting, but she was trying to save as much space as possible.

Mostly for the things she probably wouldn't take for herself. The stove, tarps, bug candles and spray, an actual (if small) tent. She didn't want to scare him off by going as light as she normally would. She was pretty sure his idea of camping was way more fancy than hers, she might as well try to meet him partway. She did pack emergency supplies, though, because she wasn't stupid.

Packing was a comforting routine, and she sank into it contentedly, humming quietly under her breath. It was quiet enough that she heard almost the instant he woke up, the quiet creak of the bed as he shifted over.

"Don't hit your head." She called out, and then hid a grin as she heard a distant mumble. "Go shower, wolfie, we gotta get a move on."

It took a few seconds, and she listened to both boyfriend and bed protesting faintly, glancing up as he wandered out into the hall. Lifting a hand and wiping his eyes, he turned to face her, gaze a bit hazy when his arm dropped limply back to his side.

"We do?" He asked blearily, returning her smile drowsily.

"Yeah, well, we need to hit the ranger station to check in before we go, and to see if they need any help." She replied, and lifted her shoulders in a little shrug. "Part of the job I've still got for now, hon. Besides, checking in is just good sense."

His gaze dropped to the packs propped up on the kitchen chairs, and then turned a puzzled stare to her.

"Better to be prepared. Besides, we might end up staying the night!" She declared, and then grinned broader at his narrowed gaze. "There's a towel in the bathroom for you."

"You and I have different interpretations of...going for a walk." He mumbled drowsily, but turned to the bathroom anyways.

She didn't expect much more out of him, not until he'd woken up properly. Which...generally took a while. For someone who claimed he didn't need caffeine, he sure was a pain in the butt to get to full consciousness.

"You'll love it!" She called after him, and then laughed with the bathroom door closed emphatically.

At least, she hoped he would. It was worth a shot.

  
  


Ellie decided that she'd made the right call when his mood seemed to dip after breakfast. Solas was trying, oh, he was trying not to let it show, but she could practically see it dragging him down. The walk to the public entrance of the forest wasn't a long one, maybe fifteen minutes from the caravan, but by the time they got there he'd gone from quiet to silent.

Thinking. She could see it happening, the wheels turning as he went over and over things in his head. Things she would honestly rather he just let go for now, but she understood that it wasn't that easy. She had to jolt him out of it if she wanted to cheer him up. Leaving him outside, she went on in to find the guys and get their gear. It didn't take more than five minutes to get signed in and let them know what she was doing, though she paused on the way out to grab a folded pamphlet from the visitor's center, shoving it into the side pocket of her heavy pack.

When she bounded down the wooden stairs, back into sunlight, she found him sitting against the stone base of a floodlight, staring off into the distance blankly. His lips were tight, though, and she could see the tension in his jaw, in the line of his profile that indicated it wasn't relaxing. Not yet, anyways.

"Okie doke, wolfie, we're all set! Got a radio and a gps." She declared, thumping down the front steps of the visitor's center, clipping the radio to the side of her pack. "So, apart from one herd, all the halla have been located and checked for new babies and stuff, so mostly they just want us to test water if we're gonna use it."

"That is part of what you do as First?" He asked, curiously turning his gaze to the plastic bag in her hands as she swung off her pack to put it away. "Wouldn't that be the rangers' responsibility?"

"And the university, actually, they do the more in-depth water samples, but it's good to do some spot checking anyways, especially in spring." She replied cheerfully, zipping her pack back up and then swinging it on again, buckling it across her chest. "You never know. And at least one halla per herd is tagged with a tracker, so if they really needed to find them, they could. We're basically just adding to the data. It's...a nice thing to do, not that needed. We're also checking for graffiti and stuff. Fallen trees, anything that impedes the path."

"They are still protected, aren't they?" He mused thoughtfully, taking her hand and rising as she offered it to him. "The halla."

"Protected, but not endangered, yep. He says between the six herds, there was at last check fourteen fawns out or baking, so that's really good progress. More than makes up for predation." She declared, grinning lopsidedly at the curiously worried look he gave her. "Wolves, mostly. They're harmless to us if we don't bother them, though, don't worry. Plenty of food around here, and they keep an eye on them to make sure there's no injuries or sickness that makes them dangerous."

"The wolves are harmless." He echoed dubiously, but returned her smile a bit more securely. "I am sorry, I suppose it feels as if I am displeased with this trip."

"I figured if you didn't want to go you'd say so. I already resigned myself to the fact that I'm dragging you out of your comfort zone, sweetie." She assured, grinning and tucking her arm through his, tugging him across the small parking lot to the few trails. Not that they'd be on them for that long. "Hopefully you think the destination is worth it."

"Out of my comfort zone...perhaps that is it." He agreed, nudging his arm into her shoulder as she swayed against him. "Things have been more melancholic than I've intended, vhenan, I am sorry."

"Wolfie, you've got about a million things going on in your head right now, you can stop apologizing. The bus isn't a magical portal to a land where problems disappear." She assured, hoping that saying it would help her feel it, too. Yeah, having him so down kind of sucked, but hopefully this would help. "We're heading about ten miles down the North Riverside trail, and then veering off into the forest. Don't worry. I know the way."

"Is that safe..." He started, and then switched tactics as she pulled the small device out of her pocket and waved it at him. "Ah. Yes. Is that only for them to track you?"

"Nah, we can use it to find our position, too, you can play with it if you want, but really...I do know where we're going." Still, she handed it to him as they headed off, more to forestall any more worrying than anything else. "I picked up something else, too, but it's a surprise."

"You seem to be full of surprises today, vhenan." He murmured, and managed a smile when she glanced at him, but she could still see the effort in it.  "Stop worrying about me, I can see it in your face."

"I'll try."  She promised, which was about the best she could do.  "But you gotta try to relax.  Deal?"

For a few seconds he didn't say anything, no sound but the birds and the crunch of their feet as they left gravel for well-packed dirt.  Thankfully it hadn't been raining that hard, ground a little slick, but not too muddy.  The last thing she wanted to do was end up slipping on her ass into a puddle or something.

"I will try as well."  He finally told her, voice slow and thoughtful.

Good enough.  Trees crowding them in on all sides, she led the way into the forest, comfortingly familiar.

 

If she'd thought it was going to be a silent, ponderous walk, Ellie would have been wrong. Well, that wasn't exactly true. Every now and again, especially when things got steep they'd both go quiet for a bit, but after the first couple miles, Solas started asking questions. It was surprising at first, and then actually sort of nice. She hadn't expected him to be that interested.

Of course, she didn't know everything, and after about five miles there was no way they were getting cell phone service to look stuff up, but he seemed content when she gave it her best shot. She knew some of the flowers, and some of the birds and all of the animals, but she'd never been much for things like rocks, or tracking. Still, it was kind of fun, and she was perfectly happy to let him stop to watch a sparrow working on its nest.

It was one of the things she loved most about him, once she'd gotten past it all and found the real him. When his voice would get quiet and thoughtful, and she could tell he was really listening, and really thinking about everything she said. Considering how her mind tended to go a mile a minute, there was just something so calming about it, grounding. He really listened, and was really interested. Weird how rare that could be.

The deeper they got, the wetter and more dense things were, the ground between trees so thick with dead needles that not much bothered trying to grow. In the few clearings and along the edge of the path weedy flowers still poked through, and of course anywhere there was a bit of sun or something fallen, there was moss and lichens. Easy to get lost in the walking, uninterrupted apart from the occasional clamber around a thick root, or down a few steps made from nothing more than natural rock and the passage of time and feet.

She could see him slowly starting to relax, the tension fading, attention focused outward instead of inward.

Turning a long, slowly descending bend, they could hear the river more clearly, the scent of moisture in the air growing heavier. It wasn't a swift or dangerous river, banks wide, the middle probably not much more than hip-height. Old, comfortable. It didn't so much roar as sigh.

"So!" She declared, breaking through another spate of quiet wandering, smiling as his eyes met hers. "We're gonna hop across the river here, and say goodbye to the path. Don't worry, though, there's trail markers and stuff."

"And stuff?" He inquired curiously, and then chuckled at her teasing smile. "Ah. You are being very mysterious today, vhenan."

"I knoooow. I just don't want to ruin it!" She sighed, scooting down the steep trail as it turned, heading down a hill to the river. "You're either gonna love it, or hate it."

"It seems you are in a gambling mood." He teased her quietly, the slower cadence of his voice comforting. "Very well, love. We've come this far."

"There's just someone...I want to introduce you to." She said, waiting for him to join her at the edge of the bank.

Okay, maybe that just made things more confusing for him, but darn it, she was going to have her fun. Grabbing his hand, she started down the steep decline, eyes scanning for the narrow bridge. Overshot it, just a little.

Well, they had time. It's not like their destination was going anywhere.  
  


  
  


Solas had absolutely no idea what to expect, but even with that in mind, when they finally reached their destination, the sight waiting for them left him stunned into silence. He stepped out of the trees, thicker here with no real path to guide them.

The Dread Wolf was waiting for them.

As Ellana continued on ahead, he stopped at the edge of the clearing, staring up at the massive, weathered stone statue standing sentinel. It was unmistakable what it was, he had seen similar statues before, the museum had a pair, but this one was massive, details worn away by the elements. Dried and dead flowers were crumpled into dust between its front paws, turning to dust and skeletal fragments as she knelt and brushed them away.

"I...wasn't aware they had made ones so large." He finally managed to say, taking a couple hesitant steps in as she sat back on her heels.

"Oh yeah. The ones you mostly see were Dalish, made at the edges of the old camps. The umh...sitting up ones are the most modern." Ellana replied cheerfully, glancing over her shoulder at him and brushing a few strands of hair out of her face. "This guy is much older. He's here to guard a temple."

"A temple?" He asked, feeling the statue loom as he wandered closer, examining its features.

The sleek, rounded appearance of the weathered wolf almost made it menacing, alien. As if time had whittled it down to the very essence of the thing it had been meant to be, freed from the burden of the mortal hands that had made it. A haze of green clung to it, softening the lines even more, making it look as if it had grown here.

"Not much of anything any more. A few walls, some bits of floor. All of the statues and anything fancier than plain stone were stolen ages ago." Ellana said sardonically, shaking her head and pushing back to her feet, giving the statue a little pat. "Funny, they left the Dread Wolf alone. Probably because there's so many of him out there, and there's smaller ones. Keeper says the old records say it was probably a temple to June or Sylaise, but hard to say more than that. It's been ransacked for centuries."

"But he is still here." He mused thoughtfully, taking her hand to help her up the rest of the way, letting her tuck her fingers between his afterwards.

"Yep. There's a few more in the woods, and a statue of Mythal about thirty miles away, and a few other small ruins." She said, giving him a gentle tug to the left, where he could see a nearly-overgrown path. "She's missing one of her wings, but I guess back twenty years ago or so some archaeologist guy said it was one of the best examples he had seen."

"Twenty years ago? I would think these sites would be of great interest." He said, glancing over at her slight shrug.

"Maybe? Everybody's kinda paranoid about bringing things like that to attention. Stuff like what your uncle is trying to do doesn't help." She responded, almost apologetically, but relaxed when he offered her a smile. "You okay? I thought you might like it."

He took a moment to consider it, ducking under a low-hanging pine branch, a shower of raindrops pattering over them. The further into the woods they had traveled, the more relaxed he realized he was in fact feeling. Something about the physical exercise, the quiet, the fresh air and closed-in peace of the forest had finally pushed away the malaise that had been pulling at him.

"I have always hated...that I was named after the traitor." He mused, lifting another branch out of the way, ignoring a few drops of last night's rainwater that dripped down the back of his neck. "That was how it was always framed to me, you know. As if it were meant to shame me, remind me of what I was."

"What, smarter than everyone else?" She replied teasingly, flashing him a little grin over her shoulder. "That doesn't seem like a bad place to me."

"Is that how you see it?" He asked curiously, and then chuckled when she nodded, pausing for a moment to help her up a more steep set of stairs, the remains of what must have once been a railing long rotted away. "I always saw it as a reminder that I did not belong."

"Well, I guess I just appreciate a clever trick. I always saw those old stories as just being another 'be careful what you wish for' myth. The way they used it, though...yeah, I see it." She mused, falling back a step to wander next to him as the path widened, opening to another clearing, partially overtaken by the forest. "You don't belong, no. But not because you weren't born to that awful man."

Her hand slid free of his as he stalled, and she kept walking, avoiding a dense carpet of tiny purple flowers, wandering through the shaft of a sunbeam. A ruined stone wall, cascading from perhaps ten feet down to a rubbled corner cut across one side of the clearing, half of a tumbled archway visible. Like the statue, it was worn, the edges smoothed, stone pitted.

"Because you're kind, and thoughtful, and smart, and...you care about people. You care about doing the right thing, even if it's hard for you." She said, back still to him as she stared up at the wall, just the barest edge of her profile visible, shaded by her tumbled hair. "That's why you don't belong. And that must be hard as hell, to want to belong, and to not be able to without..."

"Becoming the person I was desperate before to become." He finished when she stalled, finally moving to follow her, staring at the wall. "How old is this, love?"

"I don't know. Maybe three thousand years? A bit less or more? I've seen older stuff, but at that point? Not much to see any more." She replied thoughtfully, oblivious to the impact that information that had on him. "The forest wasn't always here, it used to be cut back a long ways. Probably won't take much more than a hundred years now before this is all gone."

"Just...gone?" He asked, turning his attention back to the wall when she nodded. "Three thousand years it has stood here for, and it could be gone in only a century?"

"Nature's harsh like that." She replied affectionately, the smile on her lips fading as she turned to face him, head tilting to the side. "What's wrong, wolfie?"

"The scope of it is just somewhat...sad." He finally decided, trying to find a way to put into words the vastness of it, the slight ache it left behind. What a strange sensation to be roused by a wall, of all things. "Pieces of forgotten history."

"I guess it kind of is." She agreed musingly, and then shrugged and turned back to the wall, following along side it. "People don't care. The whole section of the Brecilian that people are arguing over? Do you think they'd care, or would they just flatten it and hope no one called them out on not calling in people to survey?"

"If they did get caught not calling in an archaeological survey, they would simply be fined and slapped on the wrist." He informed her quietly, and she grimaced. "Still, is it better just to leave it for nature to destroy?"

"I don't actually know, I'm sure smarter people than me have argued over it. But what would a museum want with a tiny bit of broken wall?" Ellana asked, smile turning rueful. "At least this way is peaceful. The world is full of forgotten stuff, wolfie."

"Hmh." He agreed, and then lapsed into thoughtful silence, following along behind her through the underbrush.

They wandered a small while longer, following the edge of the wall both fallen and semi-intact. Eventually, though, the forest swallowed it in earnest, giving only the slightest hint of the vast scope it must have once had. She seemed content to let him set the pace, and he took his time, letting the last of the complicated, pernicious thoughts leave his mind. Now wasn't the time for it, not for puzzling over plans and implications. At least not any that were grounded in reality.

They could wait.

When she broke the silence again, it was as she ducked back out of the woods after following the disappearing, crumbled stone, little more than heaps of moss and tangled grass now.

"We can't camp here, if you decide you're up for staying the night, but we can stay out by the statue. Just...far enough back that we won't smoke damage it or anything." Ellana offered cheerfully, slipping around a tree, a branch springing back as she released it, barely fended off before it hit him. "I don't want to push you, but I figure we can space out dealing with my family a little this way so they don't drive you nuts."

"I would have rejected it out of hand before," He mused, stepping around a tiny section of cracked, but visible paving to follow her along the remnants of the other side of the wall, "but I think I understand now. Very well, love, I will try to be adventurous for your sake."

The smile she turned on him made the remaining uncertainty melt away, brilliant and bright.

"You won't regret it." She promised him, reaching into the pocket of her pack and drawing out a folded paper, offering it to him. "C'mon, then, let's get ourselves settled."

"What is this?" He asked absently, unfolding the brightly colored paper as he followed her, keeping half an eye on her footing to make sure he didn't stumble. "A map?"

"Yeah. World map!" She agreed, heading back down the stairs leading away from the ruin. "Watch your step, wolfie!"

It was, indeed, a world map it seemed, with each clan territory marked in bright green. Still, it was a fairly complete map on its own, if someone had just copied a standard one and then highlighted the areas for the brochure. Somewhere between a proper road map and the back of a children's menu, really.

"And why do we have a map, vhenan?" He asked tolerantly, dropping it to avoid tripping on the stairs.

"We're gonna mark all the places you're gonna visit, duh. You know, I've always wanted to do the cruise down ninety nine, the whole way from Tevinter to Antiva." She declared cheerfully, but it didn't distract him from the significance of the 'you' and not 'us'.

He tried not to let it bother him.

"That is a rather long stretch of road. Anywhere in particular along it you wanted to see?" He asked, and then added absent-mindedly, "There is a museum of maritime history I wanted to visit that was decreed 'too boring'. I believe it was somewhere near Dairsmuid."

"Well, we'll mark it on the map! And...I don't know. I guess I wanted to just drive and see if there was anything worth seeing." Ellana mused, lifting a hand in greeting to the sentinel wolf again as the statue came into view on their left. "I guess that's kind of dumb."

"Not at all." He replied quietly, reaching up to shrug off his pack from shoulders aching from the unaccustomed weight. "It sounds perfect to me."

It was odd how, there in the forest with that map in hand, for the first time in quite a while he didn't feel trapped any longer. The weight gone, thoughts banished, he felt again that sensation of freedom he had tasted so briefly after his talk with Morrigan, when he had decided to run away and leave it all behind. He couldn't dwell on it, not now, because it came with far too many unpleasant implications. For now, it was enough to feel less heavy for a time.

Going back to the city after this was going to be torture.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, almost forgot! After the epilogue I'm going to add a chapter with links to all of the beautiful fanart I've recieved- which will take me some work to find the links again so I can give the proper link to the proper person. If you've made one/can find the link easily, please comment it to me? It'd save me a lot of work and ensure that you don't accidentally get overlooked. Love you all!
> 
>  
> 
> [Have some music! I should have some listening for each of the remaining chapters. <3](https://youtu.be/jS8IZcx7tJY)


	39. Chapter 39

Even out in the woods, there were niceties to be followed. Like telling people they weren't dead or being stupid, just in case the worst happened and they needed to be found. Once they'd picked their spot, she fished out the radio first thing, to get it out of the way.

"Hi, Mahan? It's Ellie." She called into the radio, voice cheerful. "Or whoever's on duty. Over."

The soft crack as the other end of the radio came to life only took a second, and a cheerful male voice sounded out over it.

"Hey, First, it's Ranger Saris, what can I do you for? Over."

"Hey! We're gonna overnight. About two miles off of North Riverside, up by the ruin. Just two of us, I'll check in first thing and we'll probably head back mid-morning." She said, turning glance his way as he slung off his backpack, flashing a smile. "Nothing exciting going on out here. Over."

"Well, that doesn't sound like the Ellie I know. Okay, First, got it. Don't get too crazy."

"Ha ha. Thanks, Saris!" She retorted sarcastically, and then turned off the radio, clipping it back on her belt. "There. See? They know right where we are. It's really super safe."

"I remain convinced. How were you planning to spend the afternoon, vhenan?"

"We're gonna do...a whole lot of nothing." Ellie declared, grinning at his questioning look. "I mean it! Let's get settled, shall we?"

"Just tell me what to do." He agreed, meeting her smile with one of his own.

It was a pretty good day, all said and done. Finally, _finally_ , Solas really seemed to be relaxed, his thoughtful pauses without the tension. No more broody boyfriend. Setting up the camp hadn't taken much work, even doing it by the book. Plenty of rocks around here from older campfires, and there wasn't much greenery to worry about clearing. It probably wasn't very nice to call him underfoot, and he had gotten the tent up without her help, but other than that she just sort of shooed him off to read. He'd wanted to learn how to make a proper campfire, though, which was actually fun. Having him so engaged and interested really was nice.

It reminded her of her first camping trips when she'd been old enough to help.

By the time she'd found enough dry wood for the night, refilled all the water, and they'd managed to get a fire going, it was time for lunch. And then, after lunch, she'd settled in with her sketchbook. Not that she hadn't drawn the statue before, but it'd been ages since she'd been out this far. Probably at least two years. She'd promised herself, promised she wouldn't stop drawing just because she hadn't gone to art school. When they settled in, the birds they'd disturbed with their tromping came back to make some noise.

It was just...nice.

Nice until it was quiet enough to hear the thoughts she hadn't been up for hearing before. Stubbornly she focused on her drawing, trying to drown them out.  
  


  
  


He'd gone for another walk while Ellana lost herself in her drawing. Solas wasn't even certain if she'd noticed his departure until he'd called to her on his way off, she was so deep in her own mind. Watching her was fascinating, and he'd done so for a while, but eventually the quiet called him away.

He'd wandered for perhaps an hour, maybe even two, among the ruins again and out into the trees, down to the river once more. Never far enough to get lost. It wasn't that he wanted to be away from her, but the solitude was strangely welcome, luring him into a place in his own mind empty of nearly all thoughts. It was a peace he didn't realize he had needed until he was lost in the heart of it, something that spoke to a part of himself he was only just becoming aware existed.

For a time, he settled down at the edge of the river and just watched it go by, breathing in the heavy air.

He wasn't certain if he'd ever felt so whole in his life.  Whole and wholly himself, stripped of everything.  There was a rightness to it, the emptiness and lack of artifice.  All the space in the world to run, and for once he didn't feel like running.  He just wanted to start walking, and never stop.

Fishing the map out of his pocket, he unfolded it slowly, resting it across his knees as he stared at it, the edges fluttering in the breeze.

So many roads leading away.

She didn't come to disturb him, but when he returned to camp at last, she was waiting for him. They settled down together, and were silent for a time, him with a book, her drawing. Strange for him, but even stranger for her, he so rarely saw her still. A new side of her, one he hadn't known about before. It made him wish he had some gift of his own to exercise, the peace of this place nearly demanded it.

Well. Perhaps in time. She believed in him, after all.

"This early in the year, there's really never anyone around." Ellana remarked, drawing his attention away from his idle reading of a book he'd stolen from her small collection at home. "It's...pretty quiet, really. We're probably the only people for miles."

"Not exactly something I am accustomed to." He admitted, glancing skyward, surprised by how low the sun was already. "I am surprised by how much I enjoy it, vhenan. Thank you for bringing me out here."

"I've been kind of worried Mira's going to get jealous. More...jealous. Space is probably smart." She admitted, beginning to set her sketchbook aside, only to pause in surprise as he hopefully extended a hand. "You want to look?"

"May I?" He asked, relieved when her surprise turned into a slow smile. Good. Not that she'd ever shown any reluctance to share with him before, but he was getting more curious. "Perhaps in that case you are right, a little time apart while we are visiting may help."

"I'm torn. I want her to get used to you, but on the other hand, maybe pushing it will make it worse, so..." Ellana said, and then sighed explosively, nudging a little closer to his hip and handing over the sketch book. "I don't really know the right way to do it."

"Give her a little time, my love. Close quarters likely don't help." He suggested, curiously leafing through the pages she had been working on, admiring her delicate linework. "What sort of bird is that?"

"I'm actually not sure? I didn't hear it sing, or I might be able to tell you." She replied, attempting to duck under his arm. "Gimmie."

"I need both hands." He replied, and then sighed and gave in when she headbutted his armpit, lifting his arm obediently, "Stop that, you are ridiculous."

"I'm not ridiculous, your face is. Your gorgeous, ridiculous face." She countered lazily, tucking her cheek in against his thigh when he let her in, draping his arm over her shoulders. "Your gorgeous, blushing face."

"I am not blushing." He countered, clearing his throat roughly when she beamed a contented, mischievous smile up at him. "I will try to graciously take the compliment, though I find it difficult to believe."

Any resistance to her claiming his lap melted away as she lazily lifted a hand to toy with the button of his pants. Her smile went innocent, suspiciously so.

"No, vhenan." He told her without much force,

"Why not?" She pouted, with that infuriatingly alluring jut of her bottom lip.

"Someone could..." He started, and then breathed in sharply, hand reflexively shifting to the back of her head as she lifted a hand and groped him. "Vhenan..."

"I wonder if I can undo your pants with my teeth." She murmured coyly, fingers cupping and giving another light squeeze.

Well, he had been intending to resist her, but the suggestion roused an undeniable surge of interest. Interest and arousal, the latter making her laugh in that low, throaty way that drove him absolutely insane.

"Show me." He demanded roughly, succumbing to the inevitable.

  
  


  
  


Peace.

She'd never really seen it on his face before. It was there now, as he dozed on his back next to the tent, an arm thrown over his head, the other resting on his stomach.

She wasn't stupid enough to think it was because of her. No matter how hard she tried.

And she'd _been_ trying, and...

There was nothing she could do.

He belonged here, didn't he? Not here, not in this spot in the trees, in the middle of the woods on the edge of the township, but here. Free. Away from his family and all of the things he hated. The things that made him claw up the walls, that made it impossible for him to breathe. Everything that weighed him down. Everything that held him back.

Like her.

For a while she thought about it, thought about the map, all the places in the world he wanted to see. She thought about what it might be like, to just go, down roads that no one cared about, singing along to the radio at the top of their lungs.  Sitting on the hood watching the sun set. She imagined it as hard as she could, watching him sleep, the stupid tears falling down her cheeks.

No matter how hard she tried, all she could see was him.

A thousand things holding him back, and he didn't need any of them but her. She wasn't dumb enough to pretend she didn't know he thought he needed her. It probably wasn't healthy, but he didn't really know healthy, did he? He'd never had a chance to learn. Not that she had, either, but she was just kind of scuffed up. Some bent edges, a couple nicks. Wear and tear, the sort of damage she could patch up easily enough if she didn't keep fucking up and make it worse. He was broken. He didn't even have anywhere to start, had never had a chance to be anything else, but he'd been trying, so hard to put himself back together.

She knew he could do it, though. Knew he could walk away in the end, figure out where all of his pieces went. He had just to figure out how to let go...

A hand slapped over her mouth, stifling the whimper as the trickle on her cheeks turned to a flood. No. It wasn't time to cry, not now.

The tears didn't seem to care.

Trying not to wake him, she turned her back to him and cried them out, forced herself to get it all out in the hopes that it wouldn't come back later. She sobbed herself hoarse, clutching her legs as she rocked, pressed her forehead to her knees.

"Don't leave me." She begged in a pathetic little rasp, indulging in it when he couldn't hear her, letting herself be as selfish as she wanted to be, "Please don't go."

Just a tiny bit of an escape, just for a minute, fingers digging into her legs, forehead pushing against he knees until it started to hurt. He'd never know. He didn't need to know, this wasn't about her and it never had been. It was about him getting free. It was about her growing up and doing what she had to, and him getting free, and those two stories didn't have an ending that was them together.

Why did she ever think it could be?

Eventually there weren't any more tears, leaving her raw and aching. It hurt, but she felt calm again, pushed past the pain and put it aside. Gently folded the words back up, and tucked them away. They didn't belong here.

"You have things you have to do." She reminded herself, voice still rough, but with the emotions quieted, "You have people who are depending on you. You can't walk away now. You made your choice, Ellie. For once in your stupid life, just stick with it, would you?"

_He'll be better off without you._

  
  


  
  


He was woken by a kiss, pressed to the edge of his mouth with a slight tremble that should have worried him. Mind blank with sleep, soft and heavy, he drew her back in again instead, fingers finding a damp cheek and curling in against it. The soft shiver of her skin faded as he kissed it away, kissed her until she was a warm, comforting weight on his chest, relaxed.

Then there were no more tears.

And when her mouth turned fiercely demanding, and her hands started wandering, there was no room for worry.

  
  


"Are you all right?"

It was the only thing he could think of to say, though he wasn't entirely certain why he'd asked it. If anything, Ellana looked terribly pleased with herself in the swiftly-fading vestiges of daylight, curled up against his side. The question, though, elicited a hint of a frown, her nose wrinkling.

To be fair, he was fairly certain he had cause to be concerned. Not that he had any aversion to her fairly voracious nature, quite the contrary, but generally she wasn't that...demanding. Or possessive. Lifting a hand, he tried to hide a wince as he carefully examined the side of his neck.

"Jeeze, see if you get laid again." She retorted, but the joke sounded just a bit hollow, her voice losing the sarcastic edge as she relaxed, "I...yeah, I'm okay, wolfie. Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about, love. You're naked." He said mildly, dropping his hand before he worried her, still not entirely sure why she was. "Isn't that a bit uncomfortable?"

"Nah, I'm actually a nudist, I just hid it from you all this time." She retorted impishly, and then laughed when he raised an eyebrow down at her. "I didn't want to sweat all over my clothes, relax. Trust me, you do not want to go try to wash up in the river this time of year."

"You brought condoms, but you didn't bring extra clothes?" He asked her dubiously, and then chuckled at her shrug, "You know better than I, I suppose."

"I wanted to save space. If it was for more than a night, I would have." She retorted, finally sitting up with a crinkle of the sleeping bag, removing her weight from his side, "Hey, do you know how to braid?"

Sitting up himself, though a bit awkwardly with his pants around his knees, he began the process of setting himself to rights. The first order of business would be figuring out where she'd tossed his sweatshirt. Not only was it now dark, but it was starting to go from spring chill to cold.

"I...do not, no." He said apologetically, rising to his feet to pull up his pants, trying not to wince too much, "I could try, if you show me."

"Ah, it's okay." She dismissed, rising to her feet and wandering off, barefoot. She seemed almost restless, which he knew by now meant there was something on her mind she didn't want to discuss. "Do you want to make dinner? Are you hungry?"

"I...could eat..." He replied hesitantly, finally finding his sweatshirt off to the left, next to the tent, "Put on your clothes, love."

"Nah." She retorted dismissively, raking a hand through her tangled hair, "I'm good."

"Vhenan, get back here." He ordered exasperatedly, even though fondness leeched in his voice, watching her wander over to throw more wood on the nearly-gone fire as he pulled on his sweatshirt. "It is freezing cold out."

"I'm warm enough." She declared cheerfully, laughing a bit and moving out of his reach as he made a grab for her when she walked past him again. Her voice sounded lighter, he noticed with relief. "Stop it. Who's gonna see my butt, the wolves? Oh no, I'm sure they really care."

"You are the oddest creature alive." He informed her, and then lapsed into silence as she tossed a few smaller branches into the fire, sparks cascading skyward in a swirl, following the smoke.

He settled down at the edge of it, watching fire find the wood and flare up as it devoured hungrily, warmth returning to the air.

The light rose, bringing back highlights to the guardian across the clearing from them, the time-worn stone wolf brought back to life by shifting shadows and the gilding glow of the fire. The sight arrested him, and the silence turned solemn as she rose again, wandering around the ring of stones and crossing to it on bare feet. The pair of them, burnished by the light, stared at each other in solemn communion.

It was unfair how much he wished in that moment that he was capable of forcing his hands to create real art. The pain of that thought was an deep ache, a regret that one day this would be just another forgotten moment. It was a loss for the world that he had no way to give them even a second's glimpse into the fierce and painful tension in his heart, to let them see with his eyes. Neither hands nor words seemed capable of finding a way to express it. A thousand emotions, some fleeting, some lingering long enough to be pinned down. Melancholy, loss, wistful awe...love.

"You are...so beautiful." He told her, and she glanced over her shoulder with a smile, eyes enigmatic in the darkness.

"It's just the light playing tricks on your eyes." She accused gently, and then laughed quietly at his sigh and turned back to the statue. When she spoke again, her voice was slow and choked, words a bit strangled. "When...when you go..."

The sieze of his heart was harsh and sudden, the ache in his chest a physical pain. Carefully constructed walls, necessary ones dealt a damaging blow in the face of the blunt words he had been hiding from.

"Don't." He managed to force out, demanding and then pleading, "Please don't, vhenan. Please."

Silence again, except for the crackling of the fire as she stood with her back to him, chin up. Finally her arms wrapped around her bare shoulders, and she lowered her head in a nod, posture shifting inwards protectively.

"Okay." She agreed quietly, "...Okay."

"Come warm up,." He invited softly, and was relieved when she nodded again and turned to pace back to him. A soft, slightly-chilled lapful, she let herself be folded into his arms, curled against his body as he cradled her protectively.

"I love you, y'know." She murmured, cheek tucking against his upper chest, cold skin quickly warming.

"And I love you." He replied, arms tightening as he closed his eyes, using it to fight back the damage her words had so easily uncovered. "I love you, vhenan."

There wasn't anything else to be said.

Everything else he was too much of a coward to face.

  
  


  
  


Thursday morning, bright and early, there was a message waiting on both of their phones.  
  


**Lanaya**

06:02 I have it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience. <3 RL interference and the sad truth that I apparently just can't write sad smut interfered with the finishing of this chapter. The last few chapters should be on a more reliably regular schedule. I plan to be done by christmas. 
> 
>  
> 
> [ Here's your music <3 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lMAfCIdDdA)


	40. Chapter 40

**Velanna**  


_10:22   Solas?_

10:25   Yes?

_10:25   Mme. is back on campus I'm going to send her the digital/physical copies_

10:25   By all means.

_10:26   You don't want to do the honors?_

10:26   No, get your vengeance, it is well deserved.

_10:27   Yours can be living well- isn't that what they say?_

10:27   Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Is Lanaya all right?

_10:28   It seems so. I never knew she had a steel spine._

10:28   People can surprise you.

_10:30   Case in point._

10:30   Why thank you.

_10:31   Don't let it go to your head._

10:32   We will be back the day after tomorrow.

_10:34   I'm surprised Mira let you live._

10:34   She graciously allowed me to sit next to Ellana while we watched a movie yesterday.

10:35   And then I stood up to use the restroom and she took my seat.

_10:35   Those two. Sometimes I think Ellie thinks she's her mom._

10:36   You would be surprised how accurate that is.

10:36   I'm being ordered to go help in the kitchen.

10:36   Let me know if anything happens, please.

_10:38   I will._

  


  


**Cass**  


13:02   You've known Solas longest right?

_13:03   Yes._

13:03   Hes come a really long way right?

_13:04   I would say that, yes. Why, Ellana?_

13:04   Has he come this far b/c he always had it in him or b/c they just haven't noticed hes getting away yet??

_13:05   That is a rather large question._

_13:05   Why don't you ask him yourself? I feel uncomfortable answering._

13:05   Because my wolfie's best method of coping is denial and he needs to cope right now

13:05   I'm not going to interfere with is coping he needs it to get thru this

_13:06   I believe it might be both._

_13:06   I do not think he will go back to them._

_13:07   But I also think that he cannot escape them completely._

13:07   Not there anyway

_13:07   Not there, no. He has some value to his aunt. He is her piece on the board, so to speak._

13:08   Can't even pretend she loves him? :/

_13:08   I am sure that she does. It is still not an excuse._

_13:09   Ellana I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you were here for him when he needed you._

_13:10   I nearly lost my friend._

13:10   I didn't do anything

_13:11   You and I both know that is not true. I am not devaluing his effort, or his struggle._

_13:11   You gave him a reason to step away from the edge. That is still worthy of gratitude._

13:13   Hes going to keep going u know no matter what hes not stopping they're not gonna stop him

_13:14   I hope so._

13:14   I know so

  


 

 **Lanaya**  


_23:03   I have to do what is right. It's my duty to the clan._

23:05   Everyone's going to be angry with you Lana. You know it's not part of the plan

_23:05   I know. :(_

_23:06   Sometimes that's how life goes, Sebastian._

_23:06   Someone has to do it, and that should be me. I am First._

23:06   Is there anything I can do to help?

_23:08   No, thank you._

_23:08   I don't comfortable with subterfuge. That is what got us in this situation._

23:10   The clan council will more than likely keep it quiet Lana

_23:10   And that will be their choice. It will not be because I hid the evidence of what he did._

_23:10   I just wish that his daughter didn't have to pay the price._

_23:10   It's never the people who deserve it. Is it?_

23:11   It is when there's justice

_23:11   Well hurry up and start making some! :)_

23:12   I'm working on it never fear

_23:12   I'm taking it to Marethari tomorrow morning._

_23:13   I'll tell everyone what I've done after I do._

23:14   Good luck Lana

_23:15   Thank you. Good night._

23:15   Good night

  


  


**Vel Sulan**  


11:20   Ok butt

11:20   LOL but I wasn't calling you a butt

11:20   Tho now that I think of it

_11:21   Ellie stop it._

11:21   Lana gonna do what Lana gonna do

11:22   She did what she thought was right IDK if it was that's not something we can tell

_11:23   What if the clan council makes a big deal out of it, Ellie? That could ruin our leverage!_

_11:23   We don't even know what Madame is going to do._

11:24   Exactly so why do u think she's 100 on your side hating someone does not a best pal make

11:24   You really think clan council gonna start shouting about this???

_11:24   No, I guess not- not yet._

11:24   And it might not even be bad if they do

11:25   This is all so weird and twisty IDK how u all navigate it anyways

_11:27   Not as well as I'd thought, apparently._

11:27   Don't be mad at Lana hey

_11:29   No. You're right. She takes her responsibilities very seriously. I shouldn't be angry at that._

11:30   You ok??

_11:32   Worrying about me now, Ellie? How do you find time in the day?_

11:32   I got a schedule

_11:33   I think I am. It's all momentum at this point._

_11:34   But seriously- whoever thought that I would be friends with Solas? Wow._

11:34   Aww u called him friend :DDD

11:35   I bet u like him ur gonna have his baaaaaabies

_11:35   Ellie...that's your boyfriend._

11:36   LOL u like my boyfriend thats so gross your groooooss

_11:36   Are you five?_

11:36   Yes :D

_11:38   You're like Ellie a thousand percent today, it's getting disturbing. Is everything all right?_

11:39   Yeah I'm ok :) bus is boring

11:40   Is there anything I can do tho?

_11:42   Just keep at the school work, maybe some volunteering? I'm sorry, I know you don't want to be there, but it's important._

_11:42   We have to keep doing everything we an to be above reproach._

11:42   Got it

11:50   I told Solas u want to marry him

_11:50   Ellie! What the hell._

11:50   He said no thank u

11:51   So polite! I'm gonna smooch him

_11:51   Stop talking to me._

11:52   >D

  


  


**Lyna Mahariel**  


_12:03   What the fuck._

12:04   You gonna have to be more specific lady

_12:04   I'm getting married._

12:04   Ew gross did u tell Tamlen

_12:04   Yes. He was there._

12:05   Well that saves time

12:05   I'm sorry for your loss

_12:06   Thank you. Why is part of getting married having to tell everyone you're getting married._

_12:06   If I had known that was part of the process I would have declined._

12:07   Did he go hunt u a deer or something

_12:08   No. Standards slipping everywhere. He did buy me a cheeseburger._

12:08   Well thats something

12:08   Cgts <3

_12:09   Thanks._

  


**Tamlen**  


12:05   LOL LOSER

_12:05   Hey, Ellie._

12:06   What Tamlen??

_12:07   Lyna is really bad at paintball. I shot her in the ass._

12:07   She's gonna be your wife u don't get to make fun of her any more

_12:07   Bullshit._

12:08   Look it up the internet knows everything

_12:08   Doesn't matter. Still going to make fun of her._

_12:08   She snores._

12:09   Fucknut shes my roommate

12:09   I know she snores

12:10   Prepare for a life of having no bathroom sink

_12:10   ELLIE YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE HAIR CARE PRODUCTS_

12:11   That way leads to death

_12:11   Deeeeeeeath!_

12:12   DEATH!!!!

12:17   I bet u cried

_12:17   Like a baby._

_12:18   By which I mean I was naked, covered in bodily fluids, and someone had just slapped my ass._

12:19   Dude I don't need to know about ur sex life

12:21   You better stick around for her

12:21   Ok? I mean it. You stick around for her, you promised her so now you gotta do it.

_12:22   Relax. I got this._

12:23   Cool   see u soon

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our very last text chapter. Shedding a tiny tear. 
> 
> I'm going to push to get done by the new year, but stay tuned. There are, at this point, two chapters left, and a very long epilogue. 
> 
> Again, if you made me a fanart before I deleted my tumblr, I would adore a comment with a link- if not, it's okay, I will hunt them all down as best I can so I can make a chapter with the links at the very end.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your requisite Falon'din warning. Unpleasantly misogynistic language.

Ellie had woken up at three in the morning. Again.

For the better part of the week it'd been somewhere between three and six, her brain so full that not even sleep seemed to get things processed. She'd wake up, mind already going a mile a minute, worried that Solas would wake up and start worrying himself. Everyone was wondering where she'd been disappearing all week, but she didn't like being apart from him. He didn't seem to mind.

It wasn't as if he was studying, anyways.

At some point the mantra of two years left had turned into four months, and then while they were on their trip he'd stopped saying even that. Ellie knew it was because he could barely take another second, she could see it the instant they'd gotten back. The day after classes started she'd had to pull his books out of the trash, off the floor, and remind him that he had to keep going. Her hanging around seemed to help keep him steady, but...

He was miserable.

Climbing up the walls again, like he had been before. Making plans, promises, pacing. Restless. Her wolfie, prowling in his cage. Funny how when they were out of town he'd found peace and she'd lost her calm, but now that they were here it was the other way around. Considering her busy mind, Ellie had a feeling she was just coping out of sheer stubbornness, though, and worry for him.

The map they'd pinned above his bed, and it was covered in a rainbow of pen now, tiny scribbled names and circles, a long line drawn down route ninety nine, stretching all the way from Tevinter down to Antiva. They were going to drive the whole thing. Take their time, see whatever there was to see.

At least, that's what he said. Ellie knew better.

It'd become a stalemate, of sorts. Him holding onto her while his mind was somewhere else, her listening to his plans while knowing she wouldn't go.

It wasn't that she didn't want him. Ellie hadn't ever really wanted anything the way she wanted him, but that wasn't enough. It never was. Wanting people didn't make them stay, and it sucked that she already knew that but fell in love with him anyways.

It was the first lesson life had taught her.

People leave.

She'd kept that one from Mira as long as she could, but it seemed like she wasn't good at that, either.

Before her head could get too much further down that self-indulgent hole, Ellie started the laborious process of getting herself out from under Solas without waking him. He was warm, and normally she'd swallow her instincts and just lay there, but she was feeling restless. Splinter in the brain restless, like there was something she had to work free.

Bribing him with a pillow only worked about half the time, but it did tonight, and he pulled it under his shoulder when she wriggled free and poked it at him. She pulled up the blanket high, hopefully so she didn't disturb him, and then slipped out of bed.

Through the maze of the clothes discarded a couple of hours ago, she wended her way over to his dresser and pulled out one of his t-shirts, tugging it on over her panties. Some sort of stupid impulse pulled her to the window. Why not? She hadn't been on the roof in ages, and the cold would either cut through this fog in her brain, or make her regret coming out.

She tugged it up, slithering out onto the cold roof, hands and then knees. Once out, she half turned and tugged the window down except for a crack. Hopefully not enough cold to bother him. Wandering down the slope a bit to try and get a better view, careful not to skid, she eventually plopped down on her ass.

The shirt pulled over her knees helped a little, even if her butt was cold, and she wrapped her arms around them to try and keep herself stable. It wasn't dark, even at three in the morning. Lights on the street, lights on the parking lot, even a faint blue light from behind her, from the room next to Solas'.

She just sat and listened to the occasional drone of a car, feeling her ears and toes get colder by the minute. Should have stolen some of his socks, too.

As she was curiously watching a car pull into the parking lot, wondering who in the house had been up so late, she heard a window pull up from behind her.

"You smoking?" Spencer asked in a rasp, and she peered over her shoulder at him.

"No I'm not smoking, I couldn't sleep." She replied, holding up both hands to show they were empty, "Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"I don't have class until eleven. Shouldn't you be in the dorms and not on the damn roof?" Spencer retorted sourly.

Not that she was surprised by that, he had two modes. Sarcastic and grumpy. She liked him just fine, though, once she'd realized that was basically just how he communicated. Probably caused by too much caffeine and not enough sleep.

"Weird." She remarked under her breath, eyes pulled back to the parking lot, "There's like four cars getting in. Was there some sort of party tonight?"

"Nah, pretty sure almost everyone's home."

His voice fell silent, and she heard the hiss of a lighter. Tobacco, though, not elfroot, the acrid smell making her nose wrinkle in disgust. Gross.

"This is why you don't have a boyfriend, Spencer." She muttered, and then grinned at his sound of annoyance, "Just say..."

"Go to hell." Spencer suggested, but she wasn't listening any more.

One of the vehicles, she recognized. Big, blocky, and the orange parking lights gleamed across its chrome as it came to a stop with the others, twice their size. Her eyes narrowed, but the distance made it impossible to tell what was going on.

Bad. Something bad, that much she could guess.

Ellie's stomach was sinking.

"Uh...dude? Do you know any actual...reasonable reason why Solas' asshole cousin would show up in the middle of the night with what looks like...six, maybe eight guys?" She asked, already struggling to get to her feet.

"Nope." Spencer replied simply.

"Ummmh..." She muttered, pulling down the t-shirt as she started backing away towards the tulip tree, "I'm just gonna go see what's going on."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Spencer said, and then sighed, "I'll go wake up Chaz."

"Good thing you're not me." She retorted, already making across the roof towards her pathway down.

She hadn't been on the roof in a while, true, but it was second nature to her. Feet tough, but chilled, she still wasn't clumsy enough to miss any of her footing. Not that Ellie was a gymnast or anything, but she'd been climbing since she could reach.

The swing down she took a bit more carefully, branch by branch in the darkness until she finally found the grass. Nice grass when it was warmer, all manicured and well-maintained, but right now crunchy and icy underfoot. It kept her moving quickly, as she ducked up against the side of the house and started creeping towards the front.

They were quiet. That worried her more than anything else. Falon'din didn't _do_ quiet.

She knew how to move quietly, especially without shoes in the way, feet numb from the cold but still moving. The closer she got, she could hear them talking, just low muttering, nothing she could make out. Luckily her side of the house was dark, lights from the parking lot making them visible.

Yeah, about seven guys, and Falon'din, she could see the asshole from here. The guys didn't look like much, just any sort of ordinary people, beat up cars and tattoos. Probably not his pals. Considering she was watching Falon'din hand them what she could only assume was cash, that was almost a certainty.

Then again, he seemed like the kind of guy that would have to buy friends.

"Just fuck it up, anti rich-kid bullshit and shit. Keep it down. You wake anyone up, you don't get the rest of your fucking money." She heard him at last, loud enough that she could pick out the words.

Mind going a mile a minute, thighs getting colder by the second, she kept trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Some muttering, milling, and then the bags started coming out. Crouching down, she narrowed her eyes, trying to cut through the shadows and figure out just what the hell they were doing.

They all started moving towards the front of the house, and that's when she saw it, one of the guys reaching into a bag and pulling out a can of spray paint.

_Oh hell no._

Why she did it, she couldn't say, but when she heard the faint chirrup of Falon'din's car being locked, she knew what to do.

No way that douchebag didn't have an annoying alarm on his stupid tank.

Creeping forward as they disappeared, she made it to the edge of the parking lot adjoining the house, eyes casting about desperately until she saw it. Grabbing the rock necessitated leaving the shadows, but only for a couple paces, the orange lot lights washing over her as she grabbed the heavy rock. Even bigger than her hand, it was heavy, but still throwable, thumb sliding over the damp stone as the frost on it melted.

The instant it cracked into the side panel of his stupid car, the alarm started shrieking, and she scrambled back into the darkness, frantically.

It pierced the quiet night, and was immediately followed by shouting. _Good._ She took a second to wait and make sure it'd taken, maybe a second too long.

She was turning around to make her retreat when her upper arm was grabbed, and she was yanked backwards.

Staggering, disoriented, she took a few steps back, feet hitting the curb of the parking lot. She nearly fell as she stepped backwards over it in a desperate bid to keep her balance. She'd nearly caught it when she got backhanded across the face.

"Stupid _fucking_  cunt!"

Staring, and probably looking pretty stupid, staring wide-eyed at Falon'din as she jerked her head back around. Reflexively she took another couple steps back, panic in control, and he followed, red-faced and livid.

"Nobody touches my fucking car! Stupid fucking trashy little whore!" He ranted, jabbing a finger towards her face, "You want to start shit? I don't fucking hit bitches, but you fucking deserved that!"

She wasn't sure if her mouth was bleeding, shock was sinking in and taking away the pain. Hand trembling, she lifted it to her mouth, the continued verbal assault pushing through the numbness, bringing something to the surface. Surprisingly, it wasn't pain, or very sensible fear.

Ellie was _pissed._

He went down when she launched herself at him. The hell if she was going to listen to that. If he was going to hit her, she was at _least_ going to get a chance to fight back. Her world narrowed in as he hit the ground from her shoulder and the hook of her foot. Yeah, he didn't think she could do that, did he? Everyone else forgotten, she ignored the sounds of engines starting, ignored the shouting behind her, and slammed a knee into Falon'din's chest as she went down on top of him, bringing back a fist.

"I am so fucking _tired_ of you people!" She spit in his stunned face, lip throbbing, tongue tasting blood, "Leave him the fuck _alone_!"

She got in one hit, a satisfying punch to the cheek that made her whole hand hurt before he started fighting back, disoriented. She kept her knee pushing into his chest, slapped his hands away as he tried to push her off, taking a few more swings that he deflected.

They weren't really fighting, they were scrabbling like children, but she wasn't going to be thrown off so easily. He was spitting venom at her, and she was cursing right back, grabbing his ear and twisting when he jerked her hair so hard it nearly threw her off.

"Vhenan!" It cut through some of the rage, but she was just so damn furious she couldn't stop herself.

Sure he was stronger than her, but right now she had the upper hand, and she wasn't going to let go of it. Fuck them, anyways! Every single one of those toxic, horrible assholes. Fuck him, fuck his mom, fuck his dad...

He was lucky she didn't throttle him.

Adrenaline made everything numb, including her ears, enough so that the second shout barely registered. Falon'din was coming around, though, a hand shoved in her face, finally pushing her back, taking the pressure off his chest.

That was a mistake.

Falon'din swore, loudly, when she bit him, and then reached up with both hands and bent his fingers back as hard as she could. It wasn't enough, and she was thrown back onto the pavement at last, landing on her hip and shoulder hard and skidding, knee slamming into the curb. Stunned for a second, she was still trying to reorient herself when someone scooped her up off of the ground, pulling her back. They yanked her off of her feet, actually, pulling back and in against something that should be reassuringly familiar, but she didn't know why.

Her mouth hurt where he'd slammed the heel of his hand into it, throbbing, but she could barely feel the pain. She struggled, instinctively, but the instant she heard the distant reassurance, through the haze of anger and confusion, she knew it was Solas that had her.

The energy started to recede, and she slumped against his side as her feet found the ground, everything flooding back. Including the pain.

_Ow._

 

  
Panic had no place, he'd swallowed it in their rush down the stairs, a sudden, instinctual plan replacing it.  Solas wasn't sure if it was sad, or laughable that his first instincts were ones that they'd honed in his upbringing.  No one had questioned him, just followed suit.  Even so, he'd nearly forgotten it when he'd come through the front door just in time to see Ellana hit the ground.

How he'd crossed to her so quickly, he'd never know, but he had.

He had her.  She was safe. Leaning against his side, eyes blank, body shaking, but he had her, she was safe. Solas tightened his arm around her protectively, and then lifted his stare to his cousin.

Falon'din was bleeding. Good.

Steeling himself, as they stared each other down, he forced his expression cold, flat. Don't give him anything. No weakness for him to claw at.

"What, exactly were you trying to accomplish here tonight?" He asked, bottling his rage down, keeping his voice calm, "What was the purpose of all of this?"

He kicked the spray can at his foot, sending it rolling across the asphalt. They both watched it, and then their eyes met again.

"Don't fuckin' talk to me." Falon'din replied, shaking his head, "I don't fuckin' answer to you. You answer to _me_."

"No." He replied simply, cooly, keeping his temper as he watched his cousin's rise, "I do not."

"Step the fuck aside. I don't give a fuckin' shit where you stick your damn dick, but I got..."

"Stop." Solas interrupted, voice hardening despite his efforts to keep it calm, "I asked you a question."

"You don't want the answer, bitch. I'm just doin' what I'm told." Falon'din said, spreading his hands with a sneer, "Yeah, that's right. So step back in line, and shut the fuck up. You know what'll happen if you get in the way."

"You think that will change my mind, not make it worse? That your father told you to hire people to vandalize the fraternity house?" He asked, shaking his head in vague disbelief, "Do you really think I am afraid of either of you any more?"

"You better be!" Falon'din replied, jabbing a finger, voice rising with his anger, "You better be fuckin' afraid!"

"Why?" He asked simply, forcing it to be arrogant, condescending.

It worked, just like he knew it would.

"Because you're gonna pay too, stupid fucker. You're gonna go down with them, you know that, right?" Falon'din asked, rambling on, every word more disjointed than the last, "You want to get thrown into the gutter with them, huh? That what you want?"

"Ah. So you were going to frame the Dalish students. How very clever." He said, keeping his voice clear, loud enough to be heard. Just get him to confirm it, that's all they needed, "What an absolutely abysmal plan. It must have been yours."

"Fuck you! It would have worked!" Falon'din spit, stepping forward, finger jabbing again. "You don't know anything. They don't even want you any more, they don't need you, they have me."

"Yes, you did such an excellent job tonight." Solas declared, deadpan, hoping Ellana would forgive him for using her to egg him on, "You were punched in the face by a woman half your size and paid criminals to do absolutely nothing. Your father must be so proud."

"He is! Because I am better than you! You're nobody! You're not family, you stupid fuck up, and you're never _going_ to be!" Falon'din spit, stepping forward again, leaning down to scoop up the unopened can of spray paint, "If you've got any fucking brain left, take your trash bitch, step aside, and let me fuckin' finish what I started. Unlike you, I've actually got what it fuckin' takes."

That had to be enough. Glancing up and aside, Solas gave a brief nod, ignoring his raging, belligerent cousin and his own anger. Spencer gave him a thumbs up, from behind his phone.

"Nice rant, bro."

Falon'din's head jerked up, nostrils flaring. When he stomped into the parking lot, away from the corner of the house, he was faced with a line of people watching from the porch, some more annoyed than others. Some just looked tired. Solas felt a faint twinge of concern for waking them up- but then again, not the entire house was there. Some of them likely just went back to sleep, and some were probably just there to enjoy the show.

Witnesses were witnesses.

Chaz was frowning, arms crossed over his bare chest, which was alarming enough. Not something that happened very often.

"Th'fuck d'you...I am going to get her bitch ass thrown out on the _streets!_ " Falon'din seethed, jabbing a shaking finger, and then jerking his hand across his mouth, smearing blood. "Every single _one_ of you pieces of shit!"

"Love to see you try!" Spencer called, snidely sarcastic.

Solas tightened his grip on Ellana, feeling the slight tremble against his side stilling a bit at the pressure. It was only her weight against him that was keeping him from going and adding to the injuries inflicted on his cousin tonight. She seemed to be recovering, but was quiet, one hand lifting to rest over his forearm when he held her tighter.

"We have witnesses, and recordings of you saying you came here to frame other students for vandalizing the house." He pointed out icily, interrupting another start of a tirade, anger settled into a stony weight in his stomach, "You are not going to do anything to her."

"You know that doesn't fuckin' work." Falon'din retorted, rolling his shoulders back, pulling him up straight, "You can't fuckin' threaten me! That's not how this works!"

"If you're about to say 'do you know who my father is?', I'm afraid you have the wrong crowd." Sebastian called, voice calm and even, "We do know. And we don't care."

"Go home, Falon'din. You don't have any leverage. What are you going to tell your father?" Solas asked, forcing his voice to stay calm, "That you were caught spray painting his fraternity house on video and started a fight with my girlfriend?"

"I'd kick his ass again." Ellana muttered faintly under her breath, voice worryingly slurred.

Had she hit her head? The desire to scoop her up and drag her inside helped calm some of the anger, making room for concern.

"I'm gonna fuckin' tell him what you did!" Falon'din replied, only seeming all the angrier when he lifted his unoccupied shoulder in a shrug, "You just fuckin' wait, you think they give a shit about you? Nobody gives a shit about you, nobody fuckin' wants you. Think you're so fuckin' high and mighty now? Better get used to a lifetime of pickin' up my dry cleaning, bitch."

"What do you want me to do, Falon'din, lower myself to your level and insult you in return?" He asked, voice even and flat, "You haven't told me anything I did not already know. There's nothing you can say to hurt me now."

"All right, dudes, that's enough." Chaz finally interrupted, even-tempered again, lifting a hand, "Yo, Fal, outta here, man. You're not welcome back, and yeah, I'm reporting the black-balling, bro. Sorry, I gotta do what I gotta do. Gotta execute the function of my office."

"My father..." Falon'din started, a little bit uncertainly.

"I get it, bro. Sucks that he set you up like that. Yo, you should probably man up and get a therapist." Chaz said sympathetically, and then lifted his hands, "You better get goin'. All right? Drive safe."

Anger dissipated by confusion, Falon'din stared at the line of faces. Most of them managed to look serious, but Spencer was snickering faintly behind his phone. Faced with all of them, and obviously running out of steam, Falon'din took two steps back towards his car, expression briefly confused and lost.

And then it turned dark again.

Spinning on his heel, he stalked off, movements angry, short. Solas watched him go, Ellana slumping exhaustedly against his side. He wasn't quite ready to be relieved, himself.

The instant the car pulled out with a screech, he turned and lifted her into his arms, ignoring the small sound of protest. Protest that turned to pain the instant his hand brushed against her thigh, which only made him all the less likely to let her go. Adjusting his grip to tuck under her rear, he turned to head back to the house.  The ground was cold underfoot, pushing him to hurry.  Her weight against his bare chest kept him a little warmer, but he was grateful he'd grabbed his pants, even if pulling them on had almost made him fall down the stairs.

Not much damage, they hadn't gotten more than a few black marks across the front of the porch, over the railing. He was far more concerned with Ellana.

"I'm not going to apologize." She muttered against his ear, voice a little weak, "Not even a little."

"C'mon, dude. There's a first aid kit in the kitchen." Chaz invited from near the door, pulling it open, "Yo, bros, we got this mess?"

"Won't take more than a couple minutes. I'll call a painter in the morning. Actual morning." Sebastian said from behind him, "Could have been much worse. Thank you, Ellie."

"Happy to help, citizen." She called back, and then added faintly, smugly just for Solas' ears, "I got to beat up Falon'din, too."

"You did a better job than I did. No nose bump for you, vhenan." He replied, relieved to hear the humor enter her voice, even if it still was a bit shaky, "Where did he hurt you, love?"

"I don't know, it's all wibbly." She muttered, and then added apologetically, "Sorry, I didn't think I just got really mad. Really, really mad."

"Yes, I think I noticed that you weren't exactly being logical." He replied, fear making his voice a bit more sharp than he'd intended, "You could have been seriously hurt."

He hadn't been angry with her, just worried, but now that he knew she wasn't in any immediate danger, a surprising amount of fury cropped up. She should never have been in that situation in the first place! Why would she be so completely reckless?

"I was like 'oh, let's pick a fight with a guy twice my size, that'll be fun." She replied, sarcasm only making him more irritated.

"Ellana...love...I realize it turned out less...it could have ended very badly. What were you thinking?" Hard to temper his anger, but it seemed to be short lived, some remnant frustrated by unspent adrenaline.

"I just said I wasn't. " She pointed out, this time without the mockery, voice gentler. "I saw them with the spray cans so I threw a rock at his car to set off the alarm. I thought I could scare them off."

"It kinda worked." Chaz said, his easy going calm breaking through the tension, mild-mannered as ever, "Dude does not like getting his car messed up, though."

"You hit the car, that is why the alarm went off." The anger finally subsided, and he heaved a sigh, arms tightening around her. "I apologize for assuming you..."

"Ran up and cold clocked him?" She asked, humor leeching into her faint voice, "It's sweet that you think I wouldn't have. I hit his car, he came after me, smacked me, said some nasty shit, I got mad."

"Everything's cool, that's what matters." Chaz said, leaning down and pulling a first aid kit out from under the sink.

"I apologize." Solas said, shaking his head, "I promise, it will not happen again. I will ensure that it doesn't."

"Relax, man, it's not your fault." Chaz replied mildly, setting the case down on the island, and heading for the door, "I got a feeling you've got a lot on your plate right now. Just worry about the stuff you can control."

_What he could control._

There wasn't much of that, was there?

 

 

Ellie let herself be set down on the counter, far too occupied with cold and ow to fuss any more at Solas. Plus, he'd clammed up after getting mad at her, but it was obviously thinking, not annoyance. His fingers were gentle, as he softly prodded her jaw and then examined her swollen lower lip, tucking a thumb under it and checking the inside for cuts.

She knew there was one, because she could taste it.

"It should be all right, love. Injuries inside the mouth heal quickly." He assured her, still sounding so calm now that it worried her, especially when he rolled up the blood-speckled sleeve of the his t-shirt and examined her road-rashed shoulder.

She'd sort of known it would be bad, from the way it felt, but it was the look on his face that really worried her. Gone from calm back to hard and flat and angry. When she sighed at him, he glanced up from her shoulder to her face, hands rolling up the sleeve securely. She tilted her chin up expectantly, but he only forced a smile and shook his head.

"Just because your lip isn't split doesn't mean it's perfectly fine."

"Fine enough to kiss." She countered, and then squinted her eyes closed as he reached for the bottle of alcohol, "Shit, I'm such a baby, I hate this part."

She could have done it herself, but fussing made him happy and calmed him, so she shut her mouth and let him do it. Besides, she'd probably just try to pick out the dirt with her fingers rather than face the antiseptic, which she knew was dumb.

He'd at least be sensible about it.

"This is what you get for starting fights half naked." He replied, humor a little bit flat, "It'll be all right, love. Just a little grit that needs cleaning out before we cover it."

"Your shirt is long enough to be a dre....eeeh..." She squeaked in pain, eyes closing tightly as he gently started dabbing at her burning shoulder, "Shit."

"How did you even know they were here?" He asked, distracting her from the fierce stinging.

"I don't know...I woke up at three, couldn't sleep." She muttered, blinking away a few tears as he began taping a gauze pad over it, "I went out on the roof to clear my head and saw all the cars. Recognized the uglymobile. Spence was out for a cigarette, he went in to wake up Chaz."

"It could have been extremely bad if you hadn't caught it, love." He murmured, reaching down and gently tugging the shirt up her hip, "I suppose we should just be grateful that you woke when you did..."

His voice trailed off in a small sigh, and he reached for the alcohol again, making her protest wordlessly.

"Just take a deep breath." He murmured, leaning in to press a small kiss to the corner of her mouth, "How are your hands?"

"I think I bruised my knuckles?" She mused, lifting a hand to examine the back of it, breathing in sharply as he started cleaning the outside of her thigh. "They'll be...ow. Ow, fuck..."

Sharp little tears pricked the corners of her eyes as he apologized and she winced, but it had to be done. It didn't take long, and it was better than her shoulder. Once he'd cleaned it up, he very carefully peeled a couple bandaids. His expression was so intense, so focused, that she knew something was going on in his head. Silent, she waited for it to come out when it was ready.

"Not much skinned there, love, but you're going to have a spectacular bruise. Likely your knee as well." He told her, as she breathed shallowly, "What are we going to do about them? This can't happen again. Ever."

Ah. There it was.

"Whatever you decide you need to do." She replied simply, lifting a hand to tuck it against his cheek. "Hey."

She knew that expression, it was the one that always came before he started pacing, started making plans. The one that made her feel like she was watching him from outside of a cage. Using her hand, she pulled him in a little closer, luring him in bit by bit before he could pull away.

"I cannot do it any more. I can't...this is all my fault, vhenan. I am so sorry." He murmured, forehead falling against the top of her shoulder, burying himself there.

"No, hey." She denied gently, trying to nudge his cheek up, "No, wolfie, it's not. "

"It is." He insisted, lifting his chin, pressing his forehead to hers, "Vhenan, stop trying to protect me. This is my fault."

She stared into his eyes, conflicted, as he gently ran a finger down her cheek. There was something sad in his eyes, something that made her want to cry, but she didn't know how to put it into words. It was dumb, that she didn't know how to help him. It was all she wanted to do, but she didn't know how.

"You're not responsible for what they do." She finally said, voice cracking a little.

"Saying nothing is as unacceptable." He replied, shaking his head, "I should never had started playing the same games just to protect myself. I was too much of a coward to break it all off at once."

"You had to, they'd messed you so up, you needed the time...Is this about the bribery stuff? Honey, we all agreed..." She started, and then frowned as he sighed and pushed up, turning away, "It sucks, but that's how life has to be sometimes. You play by the rules. We did the best we could."

"And people get hurt!"

When she flinched at his shout, he stopped short, their eyes meeting again. Hard to blink back the tears, especially when he sighed and shook his head, arms reaching for her as he stepped back in again.

"Let's go back to bed." He suggested, tucking his arms around her, "Please, love."

She didn't know what else to say, so she didn't say anything. She just let him carefully help her up from the counter, and followed him upstairs.

She tried not to limp. It'd just make him feel worse.

 

The blankets were on the floor when they headed down the hall to his room, door thrown open. He must have made a run for it, then. Ellie wondered why that made her feel guilty. He didn't say anything, just re-made the bed and closed the window, while she changed into a clean t-shirt. They settled in as best they could, her on her uninjured side, laying against him. They just laid in bed without even turning off the light, while he thought. After a while, his phone on the nightstand started ringing.

Ellie wondered if he had been expecting it, she probably should have.

Silence between them, as he picked up the phone and stared at the screen for a few moments. She could see it blinking, insistently, focus narrowing in on it. She sucked in a breath when he finally answered it, hitting speaker phone and dropping it limply on his chest. Ellie didn't quite know what to think about that, settling back in against his shoulder, letting his hand go back to playing with her hair.

The phone just sat there, answered, silent, until she heard a long sigh.

"Do you have an explanation for this? I would love to hear one that I can accept." Mythal asked.

"No." Solas replied simply, "Not one that will change anything. He deserved worse."

"You need to stop picking fights with your cousin, this is getting ridiculous."

"Picking fights." He said, making Ellie realize he was talking to her, her eyes lifted, meeting his, "Her son shows up intending to break the law, frame other people for it to get them expelled I assume, and this is what it is turned into. I am picking fights."

"Solas, really. You're exaggerating." Mythal said sharply, "I realize that he was acting like a fool, but..."

"If I hear about this again with the intent of causing problems for anyone, the video of your son ranting like an idiot will be posted on the internet." Solas interrupted, two fingers draping a piece of hair across Ellie's nose, making it wrinkle, "Ah. At last. I've learned how to act like a member of this family."

"Are you threatening me?" Mythal sounded so surprised that she almost laughed, except that it wasn't real.

That was the worst part, actually. It sounded like an act. All of this did, which was super weird. It was like listening to people reciting a script they'd been studying for years, but had never said out loud.

And it was making her scared.

"Yes. Yes, I am." Solas said, nodding his head down at Ellie. She nodded back, reflexively. He kept talking, voice holding steady. "Mythal? I have a question for you."

"What is it Solas?"

No more playacting. Just weariness.

Good, maybe she was finally ready to accept that he was gone. He wasn't hers, he wasn't a thing...Ellie didn't realize how tightly she was clinging to him until he glanced at her curiously. She let off a little, frowning to herself.

She felt him take a deep breath, and she braced herself, eyes fixed on his face. It was like a mask, one she knew he needed right now.

_Just a little longer, wolfie._

"Why did you abandon your two oldest daughters?" He asked, voice calm and careful. His hands were shaking, though. Ellie caught up one in both of hers, tucked it under her cheek. "How could you do that?"

Dead, empty silence. Seconds passed, and then the sound of carpet-muffled footsteps, the clink of glass. They both listened to Mythal pouring herself a drink, clinging to each other.

"They have always had everything they needed. I owe you no explanations." Mythal finally replied, pure ice.

"You owe me nothing, no." He agreed, quietly, "Just as I owe you nothing."

"I think that you will find you owe me a great deal, Solas." Mythal said after a second's silence, hard and final, "I think that you will find that there is a great deal you have that you take for granted."

"No. You would be wrong. I am sorry." He actually sounded regretful, hand still shaking in her grip, "The only thing I ever wanted from you and your husband is the one thing I will never have. I...will be withdrawing from university first thing in the morning."

Ellie wasn't sure why that stunned her, silenced her, but it did. She'd known it was coming, but had hoped...they hadn't made plans, they hadn't talked about it. In fact, they'd been doing everything _but_ talking about it. And here he was, saying it like it was set in stone already.

This time she wasn't hanging onto his hand just for him.

"Don't do anything stupid." Mythal said, flatly, "This little game you are playing with the Dalish to thwart your uncle is one thing, that I can distract your uncle from, but this is another thing entirely."

"You know." He said with instant resignation, closing his eyes, "What is done is done."

"Of course I know. I knew the instant the first piece was put on the board. I always know." Mythal replied, still in that same emotionless, exhausted voice.

Ellie was sort of disbelieving that one. She was pretty sure Mythal just had an amazing bullshit game. Had to be part of the job, right?

"Yes, of course, with your crystal ball." Solas said in that calm, smooth voice she knew was him being sarcastic, "As long as it does what it was intended to do, I do not care. It is too late for you to interfere."

"There will be other ways. Your uncle is stubborn." Mythal dismissed.

"So am I. And I am not above blackmail, it seems. I have a great deal of it, Mythal." Solas reminded her, quietly, "They make life difficult for you, don't they? A lot of problems to cover up over the years. Get him to drop it."

"This is your entire hand on the table, Solas. You have nothing left, you do realize that, don't you?" Mythal asked, sharply, "Absolutely nothing. This is not how I raised you. Are you certain you want to sacrifice everything? There is no coming back from this."

"Ah. Metaphors, is that what we're going with?" He asked, and then sighed, long and slow, before speaking again, "One last hand, and I am not bluffing, and so on. Yes. Get him to leave the Dalish alone. The Drakon Riverside project will require less lawsuits in the long run. And there will be lawsuits if he continues, they will find the resources. They have proof enough to gain sympathetic ears. And wallets."

"We will discuss this tomorrow. Do not do anything rash in the meantime." Mythal replied, sharp again, in a voice that expected absolutely no argument, "It seems I have a great deal of work to do tonight."

The line went dead before he could respond.

In silence, they lay there, his hand clutched in both of hers, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. There wasn't anything she could do now, was there?

Nothing she could do.

Focusing on him, on her own breaths, she pushed back the fear and her own tears. Now wasn't the time, it hadn't been the time. He'd made his choice at last, and it was the right choice. That's all she could focus on now, standing behind him, making sure he followed through.

"Do I want to sacrifice everything?" He asked her quietly, still staring at the ceiling.

There was only one answer.

 

"Yes." She told him, as fiercely as she could manage, "Because then you'll be free."


	42. Chapter 42

It was just a car.  

A stupid, blue, boring four door car that had too many miles and a slightly weird smell that would probably take weeks to get rid of.  It sat in the middle of the frat house parking lot, looking utterly dumpy surrounded by expensive sports cars and SUVs.

Ellie hated it, and she'd been the one to tell him to buy it.  Hated it with a venom she usually reserved for people who kicked puppies, or bologna.

"And that's basic car maintenance."

Lyna glanced at Solas expectantly, wiping off her hands on a towel purloined from the house's kitchen. After a few seconds of contemplation, he pushed back from under the car's hood as well, giving a small nod of his head.

"And when in doubt, ask a professional, not the internet." He agreed, earning him an approving nod back from her, "I apologize for bothering you today."

"It's an okay car. Okay." Lyna decreed, a little bit critically, "I wouldn't waste to much money fixing it up. How much did you say you paid?"

"It would have been two thousand, if Ellana hadn't been offended by the idea. Fifteen hundred." He said, and then chuckled at Lyna's sour expression, "It runs and I was able to take the title today."

"Which is the only reason I agreed it was worth getting!" Ellie interjected, content with her role as assistant instructor. Mahariel was better at beating stuff into people's heads. "The first one he looked at was a complete dud."

"It was a better color." Solas replied, hiding a smile at the scowl she fixed on him, "And the exterior was in better condition."

"Stop that, you just want me to get mad." She accused, wrinkling her nose, "He thinks it's funny or something."

"I would never do that." He assured, deadpan, unhooking the hood of the car and slamming it closed, "No one would ever do that to you, Ellana."

"No, no one." She agreed, and then sighed and swatted him away as he reached for the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "Stop checking up on me."

"Okay, you two. Some of us have to study." Lyna said, and then hesitated for a moment, glancing between them, "Need anything else?"

That was the closest Lyna got to unsolicited concern, Ellie figured. When she just shook her head and smiled, Mahariel nodded sharply, turning and heading off across the parking lot. While she was watching her go, she felt the sweatshirt being pulled down again. This time she just sighed and let it happen.

At least he wasn't trying to pull down her pants.

"That needs to be changed today." He instructed, and then kissed her on the temple when she made a small face, "Wearing your war wounds with pride, love?"

"What, because I didn't cover up the bruise?" She asked, gently lifting a hand to prod her cheekbone, but letting him lightly swat her hand away, "I tried, but it's over my vallaslin, so it just looked weird. It was pretty obvious I was covering something up. I've just been telling people I was nug wrestling."

"Nug wrestling." He repeated blankly.

"Yep. Greased up bikini nug wrestling." She agreed, and then grinned at his look, "Who wears the bikini? Me, or the nug? Nobody knoooows."

"Or both." He pointed out musingly, and then sighed and glanced at the car, expression darkening, "Thank you for coming out with me this morning."

"Sure." She agreed simply, clamming up yet again. They'd been trying to talk about it all morning since he'd gotten back from the registrar's, but it just wasn't coming out. It seemed like they'd avoided talking about it for so long, they couldn't quite figure out how. "You doing anything...this afternoon? It's almost four..."

And they'd done everything that needed to be done. Going around in a rush had helped, handling things, fixing things...but now there wasn't anything left for her to help fix. Now they were just stuck with all the consequences.

"I have a week." He replied, trailing off into silence for so long that she was starting to worry. Eyes distant, he stared at the car, eventually finishing, "To vacate the house. There is not much to do...not much I own."

"Do you really have to go talk to her today?" She asked, voice cracking over the last word, vulnerability she really would rather not show, "Now?"

"I do. I have to be ahead of anything that might come." He told her, giving a small shake of his head, "Every second that passes...my uncle is in Antiva. There will be no better time."

"Okay." She agreed, because there wasn't much else to say, pushing away from the evil car, "All right."

"Vhenan. I love you." A hand caught hers, pulled her in as she stepped back, his arms wrapping tightly around hers as he murmured against her, "Everything will be all right."

She let him lie, because he needed it, and then she kissed him goodbye. When he got into the car and drove away, instead of going home she went back inside and went to bed to wait for him. Besides, she wanted to finish the map.

There were still some places she wanted to make sure he went.

  


  


It had to be done.

It had to be done now, while it was still fresh, while he still had momentum behind him. While he still had the strength to armor himself against her. He loved her. Mythal had raised him, taken care of him, been his only confidant when no one else had cared. Now he could see all the cracks in it, the flaws that turned what had been good malicious, manipulative.

Everything was wrong. Everything he had believed his entire life, as if a switch had been flipped.

His anger was righteous, but it was also small, and hurt. Forlorn. The denials were always there in the back of his mind, the emptiness that would have made him cling to her. The fear of being alone. Except he wasn't, not any more. He had Ellana, and he had friends that cared about him. People that he had nearly driven away, who had accepted him back the instant he had tried to set things right. He had them in his life because he had admitted he was wrong and had tried to change to be a better man, two things Mythal had _never_ taught him.

He couldn't say even now that he deserved any of them, but hopefully he was about to earn their trust.

When he entered the house, he felt prepared, armored.

But he hadn't expected Vivienne.  


She was sitting in the lounge just off of the grand entry, staring at her phone, not a line of her suit out of place. When he stopped short, staring at her, she glanced up at him. Their eyes met, hers utterly unreadable, and she slowly rose to her feet.

"I was hoping I would catch you, my dear." She said, heels striking the marble tile as she approached. "Good afternoon."

"Good afternoon." He replied by rote, caution sinking in, "I am surprised to see you here."

"Your aunt has retained me." Vivienne replied smoothly, and then smiled as his eyes narrowed, "Don't be so suspicious. Your aunt, not the company."

"One and the same, are they not?" He asked, voice still cautious, "I cannot trust either of them. Or their associates."

"My dear, I have done what I promised I would do. I always do. Never fear. I would not put myself in such a conflict of interests." Vivienne declared, and then chuckled softly as his jaw tightened, "It is done, no matter what your aunt or uncle might say. Only time will prove me right or wrong. You know how these things go, momentum builds."

"Unnecessarily complicated, slow, confusing, underhanded..." He began, and then sighed when she smiled, "I am uncertain why I thought it would be over."

"Because you hoped for easy exoneration. It is rarely so simple, Fen'harel, and a war always has more than one battle." Vivienne said, sliding her phone into her purse carefully, "I have heard that you have withdrawn from the University."

"I am leaving." He replied, feeling no need to hide the fact, "I have come to say my goodbyes and return what belongs to the family."

"An interesting choice. We are not all meant for this life. No matter how it might feel, there _is_ always a choice." She said, cultured voice holding that incontrovertible surety that made her so skilled at what she did. She was a difficult woman to disbelieve. "You are a man. You are left with the choices you make if you choose to step into the role of one completely. Both for good and for ill."

"Yes, Professor." He replied, taking a step back, "Thank you for all you have done."

"It wasn't for you, my dear, but you are welcome. My feelings have not changed." She said, and then turned for the door, adding over her shoulder, "Good luck."

The front door closed, leaving him alone. He wasn't entirely certain what to make of that, but somehow he wasn't surprised. It would be like Mythal to hire the woman that had thwarted her.

_My feelings have not changed._

Or was she only the woman that had thwarted his uncle? If Vivienne still hated him, and was working for Mythal...no.

No, he couldn't let himself be tangled up in that, lost in the speculation and the confusing tangle. He couldn't let himself hope that Mythal was trying to get away from him. It would only drag him back in, it was not his mystery to be concerned with. All it meant was that Vivienne could not be counted upon in the future. Whatever had been set in motion, it was up to them to keep it going. She had done more than she had ever needed to do, and he could be grateful for that.

He would help however he could, but right now he had to focus on himself, on getting free.

Bracing himself again, he turned to head up the hallway. He knew where Mythal would be.

Waiting for him.

 

 

He had managed to walk into the office, stopped next to one of the huge bookcases that separated her office into two parts. It made her desk look all the more like a throne, holding court from the far end of the room, next to her bar. She was standing at the bar, had been since he had walked in silently, making herself a drink and ignoring him.

He waited.

When she closed the bottle, and picked up the glass, she heaved a long, tired sigh.

"I am willing to put this behind us." Mythal told him at last, voice as pleasant as he had ever heard it, "And move on, Solas. I understand that this has been a difficult time for you..."

"Goodbye, Mythal." He replied simply, flatly, unable to get anything else out past the painful knot in his chest.

She turned to look at him, head tilting to the side, and he returned it. He wasn't even angry that she thought it would be so easy, that he would be desperate for forgiveness and the status quo. Why would she be? Normally that would be exactly how it would go.

"Is this about the girl?" She asked, rolling her eyes when his expression darkened, "Oh, of course, love is so very exciting. It makes things feel so _possible_. Changing yourself for..."

"I am changing myself because I want to be a better man. Not for her." He said, bracing himself with a hand on the bookshelf, clutching at it, "But because I can be. I want to be.  I _should_ be."

"Better." Mythal repeated, sarcastically, "My dear, poverty is not moral certitude."

"Nor is wealth." He countered, and then shook his head, anger roiling along with the sick sensation in his stomach. "I did not come here to debate this, I did not come here to debate anything."

"It will not last, Solas. Love cannot thrive such adversity." Mythal told him, with so much sympathy that he almost believed it, "And then you will have nothing at all if you persist in this foolishness."

"You have no need to worry about my love life." He dismissed, ignoring the fact that Mythal's expression instantly turned frigid. It would have worried him once. "Nor anything else to do with me."

"You've put your uncle in a very dangerous position. Solas, I understand, I do..." His aunt replied wearily, lifting a hand to her forehead. "You're young, you're feeling a bit...out of place. I understand, but we have worked so hard, my dear..."

"I have worked hard." He countered, coldly. "And if your own children are disposable to you, why should I be any different?"

It hurt to say, because she had cared for him, but all he could do right now was remember Morrigan's words, her resignation. The fact that she had been abandoned, and for what? Marriage? Money?

"I did what I had to do. I owe you no explanations." Mythal replied, sighing and turning to pace to her desk. "It is going to take some work for him to forget this. If you are lucky, he will find a way to make this profitable."

"I no longer care what he thinks. I love you, but I..." He hadn't known what he was going to say, but the instant the words left him he knew they were true. Ellana had been right. "I am done. I'm leaving."

"What exactly do you mean, leaving, Solas?" His aunt replied sharply, abruptly facing him, expression cold. "This ridiculous farce has gotten entirely out of hand. I have been willing to indulge it, but..."

"I hate...law school. I have always hated it. It is a burden I am no longer willing to bear." He replied quietly, reaching into his pocket for his wallet, drawing it out. The new ID stared back at him as he flipped it open,the new picture, new, old name. "I am done. I will not be taking another second, I have already withdrawn. Your threats are meaningless."

Silently he drew out the credit cards, the bank card to the account the family controlled, tossing them down on her desk with a slap of plastic. They skidded, caught the light.

"Before you ask, I still have all of the money from my parents. I haven't touched it. I will be fine." He was far too bitter right now to think she actually cared if he was or wasn't, but he needed to say it to reassure himself. "No, I don't know where I'm going, and no, I do not plan to write or call."

"Running away from home. Isn't that a bit childish, Solas?" His aunt asked icily, but he could hear the worry in her voice underneath it. "I understand a bit of youthful rebellion, but this could have real consequences. Do you really want to risk your future so you can run away and play house with your girlfriend until you get tired of it? You may not be able to come home again."

It was incredible how much more he could hear, without the fear in the way. The nuance of emotion he had never even considered had existed before. If she was angry, they would obey, and not question. As he would have, except...he wasn't a child any more, he was an adult. A peer. Vivienne was right. It was time he started acting like it.

"Childish? I am afraid that won't work on me, Mythal." He said quietly, shaking his head. "I understand that you have had plans, and intentions, but they were never ours."

"They always were." She retorted, chin lifting, amber eyes hard, "Everything was in your best interests, we agreed on that. Together."

"I was a _child_. Doing what I was told. Out of fear, out of love...it seems that you do not have _my_ best interest in mind. Then again, it is not your responsibility any longer. I am a grown man, and it is mine." He informed her, shaking his head and trying to hold steady under her frigid stare. "And I am afraid that what I consider my best interest has nothing to do with money, or with being manipulated further."

"Manipulated? Is that what you call the perfectly natural guidance that a mother gives her child? I have worked hard to prepare a place for you, Solas." Mythal asked, not bothering to sound hurt. He wouldn't have believed it. "There is no reason for any of this. We can repair things. Nothing will happen to you, or to her, I promise you."

"Things have changed. I have changed. There is no going back." He told her simply, lifting his hands in defeat. "It is not damaged, Mythal. It is broken, and cannot be repaired."

"You have absolutely no idea what you are endangering, Solas." She informed him, hands flat on the desk, shaking her head, "Stay, and we will discuss it. You need to understand what you are in danger of destroying with this stunt. There are plans that have been..."

"It has nothing to do with me! I am a person, not a pawn!" He snapped furiously, betrayal and that white-hot, simmering anger rising. It had always been against her, hadn't it?

She was the source of it all, in the end. She was the one who had promised all this time that it was them against the world, when he had only been another tool just like everyone else.

He wasn't different. He wasn't special to her.

"Do you even know how to tell the truth? Lying to me, time after time, again and again to ensure that I follow along like a mindless puppet. Never once have you ever cared about me!" He told her, venting his anger in desperation that she would tell him he was wrong, that she would make him believe it wasn't true. "Never once have you cared about any of us! We were raised to fail and it is entirely your fault!"

The crash of her glass hitting the bookcase next to him was stunning, loud and sudden.

Vodka splashed across the front of his shirt, sharply astringent, glass falling to the rug, sprayed across it in glittering shards. It took a second for the pain to register, one piece of the broken crystal tumbling down to join the others. He lifted his hand to his forehead, eyes still fixed on the floor.

Blood dripped from between his fingers, but the pain wasn't that intense, just sharp. Head wounds always bled more than others, didn't they? The slight daze of shock faded, and he lifted his eyes to meet his aunt's, her own wide, startled. In silence they stared at each other, and he watched her push the distress aside, expression going flat once more.

When she reached out a manicured hand and took a step closer he flinched back, stepping away, shaking his head slowly.

In that moment he felt it snap, like a tether between them, the weight that had been holding him back.

She wasn't going to understand.

"No. No, I don't need your sympathy. I don't need anything you have to give me." He told her, returning chill for chill, ignoring the guilt that swelled up like reflex, trying to drag him back down. "Just tell me one thing."

"What?" She asked, voice crisp but resigned.

He pulled the words up, accepting the hurt, accepting the weakness of them. He had to know. Everything else he could leave behind, but if he could have an answer to just this one thing...

"Do you love me at all?"

If he was expecting her to flinch he would have been disappointed. There wasn't even a crack in the facade, no worry or hurt in her eyes this time. Instead, she simply nodded, a gracious incline of her head. No emotion in her eyes for him to read.

"Then please. Let me go." He replied, taking a step back and turning around before he could let the hurt inside him take over again.

She wasn't listening, there was no reason to speak.

The hall was empty as he pushed out into it, and nothing followed him. The walls pushed in, the atmosphere stifled, and he could feel it again, the world closing in. He needed to get out. Now. The entry beckoned, and he hastened his steps, passing by rooms laid out with exacting perfection, to hide the rot underneath.

This wasn't a home.

Wiping his hand across his forehead, feeling the sickening throb that barely pushed through the overwhelming nausea of guilt and anger, he shouldered open the front door. Instantly the acrid smell of cigarette smoke hit his nostrils, but it didn't give him pause for even a moment.

"Fen, what are you..." Sylaise started as he stormed past her, practically jumping the stairs in his haste to escape them. "Fen!"

The use of the name grated on him, but the last thing he wanted now was to snap at her. What did it matter? He was gone, free, and the damned name didn't mean anything any more. Five steps down the walk, and a few dozen to freedom, he heard a car door slam. Through the haze of adrenaline and twisted emotion, he saw the twins, gaze focusing in on Falon'din as they both stared at him in confusion.

No, he wasn't just going to walk away without saying anything.

Anger so acute it had become a physical pain drove him forward, a hand slamming into his cousin's chest. The thud of Fal's shoulderblades hitting the car reverberated up his arm, as he slammed his elbow in, shirt crumpling under his fingers as he twisted it. Arm a bar across his cousin's chest, Solas met his startled eyes, ignoring the trickle of blood still dripping along the inside of his nose.

It wasn't anger for last night, not now, but a sort of despair. They were what they were made to be, but they had a choice. They weren't children any more, and they had a choice. All of them.

They just hadn't realized it yet, and they likely never would. Doomed the day they were born to the life that had been chosen for them, and then raised to fail at it, again and again.

"Listen to me." He demanded, slamming Falon'din back again after the initial struggle, jaw so tight he thought his teeth might crack. " _Listen_ to me, Fal!"

"Th'fuck do you want?" Falon'din snapped back, giving another violent shrug of his shoulders.

"You're out of time. This is it, you are out of time. Stop destroying every chance you are given!" He replied, every word only solidifying his resolve as he practically spat them. "Do you really want it? I won't be here any longer to carry that weight, I cannot protect you from those expectations any more. It is all yours now."

Their eyes held, snapped together as the words sunk in past the anger. In that second, he could see the fear in his cousin's eyes. It told him everything he needed to know. Falon'din didn't have to say a word.

"I am sorry." He told Fal quietly, fingers loosening their grip, "I cannot do it any more."

He could see the calculating look from off to his left, but he ignored Dirthamen. There was nothing between them to be said, and they both knew it. Of everyone in this family, he knew that Dirthamen was exactly where he wanted to be. No responsibility, no restrictions, and access to anything he wanted. He could hope that Fal found himself some help, but he knew with his twin brother there, he likely wouldn't. Dirthamen cared about no one but Falon'din, and never had. Not their mother, not their father, only his brother.

Everything else was just toys to be played with.

Dirthamen would see this as an opportunity, which hopefully meant he would see it as valuable to run interference on any attempts to find information on his whereabouts. Solas could only hope. Even bringing it up would likely ensure his cousin wouldn't bother, however. Better to say nothing.

Solas stepped back from Falon'din, releasing him and wiping his face. He hadn't been aware he'd been shouting, but another step back and he realized Andruil and Sylaise were watching silently from the stairs. Stepping back towards his car again, facing them, he lifted his hands in defeat.

"Goodbye, I suppose." He said, gaze shifting to Sylaise as Fal scoffed and adjusted his shirt. "Take care of them, if you can stand to."

"We'll see, little brother." Sylaise replied flatly, tapping her hand against the opposite arm, cigarette bouncing. "You're really doing this?"

"I have a map with a few places I would like to see. I believe it's time I was on my way, yes." He said, glancing down at his bloodied hand as he dropped it from his forehead. "There's nothing here left of value for me."

"You're stupid for leaving, but...good." Sylaise said succinctly, giving a small shake of her head. "Stay away and you might just stand a chance."

"I hope so." He agreed, and then turned on his heel, trembling hand fishing his keys out of his pocket.

He'd nearly made it to his car when the assault came from behind, arms thrown around him, tightening. He froze for a few moments, and then turned around to face Andruil. She immediately buried her face in his chest, crying with unaccustomed quietness.

Usually she bawled like a soap opera diva.

The awkwardness of the moment was tempered by his emotional exhaustion, drained of everything but the desire to keep moving. Normally he would have something cutting to say, but there was no reason, was there? Was something horrible really the last thing he wanted to say to her?

"You can do better than this." He told her, dredging the words up from somewhere, a hand resting on her upper back as she sniffled. It was difficult, to keep himself relaxed. Had they ever hugged before? "I know that you can."

"Everyone hates me." Andruil replied faintly, woebegone against his chest. "I hate me."

"Well. Then I suppose you have a lot of work to do. I have a lot to do on myself, too. We had better get started." He said, quiet but firm, trying to keep his voice stead, "I regret that we weren't ever a real family. Goodbye, Andi."

"But I don't know how to start! That's bullshit!" She protested as he pulled back, mascara streaking her cheeks.

"That isn't my responsibility, Andi. It's yours." He said, wishing he knew some better way to say it all, emotions too raw for appropriate eloquence, "That can be a good thing, if you let it be. I know that you can do better."

Fishing out the keys to his new car, he turned and finally left them all behind. It was time to go, he was as free as he was ever likely to get.

If only that thought could have been the relief it was supposed to be.

  


 

It was amazing, how many words that they'd never been able to say stuck around and found a way in anyways.

The instant he came through the door Ellie knew it was over. He was restless, practically ranting as she tried to get him to settle down so she could see to his head. Eventually she gave up, dry blood on her hands, and just let him talk. A thousand plans, grandiose promises that cut her to the bone as he threw open his closet, started pulling down clothes. Throwing them to the side.

Every single thing he said hurt a little more, but she didn't have the energy to argue with him. He was practically in a panic, and all she could do was listen. She was tired, worn down by the need to pretend for so long, and he was violently desperate right now.

She just sat and watched his walls crumble, hers already fallen.

"I have no need for this." He told her, for about the fifth time, dropping one of the books dismissively, as she sank down onto the bed numbly and watched him. "I do not need most of this, nothing really. Just some of my clothing, vhenan, my father's painting...I do not want it to be damaged, perhaps Sebastian can keep it for me until I find somewhere..."

"I'll take care of it for you." She promised quietly without thinking, numbly, watching him prowl, picking up things only to throw them aside. A whole pile of things now, thrown on the floor. Discarded. "Or I guess Sebastian could."

"He will. He..." His voice trailed off as he pulled the damn suitcase off of the bed, some of the frantic energy seeming to fade from his features as he stared at it. The melancholy broke through, eyes momentarily haunted, and she watched him throttle it back, shaking his head violently. "It is all right, vhenan, I can take care of it all. I have enough money to last us a while. A good while. I promise."

She didn't say anything, just listened with a hole in her chest and tears running down her cheeks. She didn't know she was crying until they started dripping off of her chin and one spattered against her bruised hand.

"We can go anywhere, love, anywhere you want to. I'm free now, I promise you. We can do anything we want." He told her, speaking louder when she inhaled sharply, feeling her lower lip quiver, trying to silence her crying with his volume. "We have a whole world waiting for us."

A whole world.

"I can't." She told him at last, the words coming out strangled, shattered.

The pain was sharp, but it wasn't sorrow, it couldn't be. Fierce, overwhelming pride, that's what she felt, the devastated smile turned on him as he dropped the suitcase on the bed, shoulders sagging. They both knew it already, they'd known it the instant the seed of the idea had been planted.

All the walls tumbling down with two words, taking all of the lies and fantasies with them.

No more time for make believe.

"I know." He told her, voice as broken as her heart.

"You can..." She started, and then cracked, lifting a hand to wipe eyes that burned fiercely. "There's so much here I still want...I still want to do. I promised I would stay. I want to do something right...for once."

"I am sorry, love, I understand. I understand." He assured her, suddenly frantic again, but this time with the fear underneath, "It will be more difficult, but they will not know that I am still in the city. We can...weekends, and holidays, we can travel. You would like that, wouldn't you? I will find a job, right away, I will..."

"No. No, it's not...No." She denied, tears spilling down her cheeks, dripping down her chin as he lurched around the bed, his chilled hands cradling her cheeks as she leaned into him, buried herself against him. "You have to get away. Just...get away. I can't do that, it's not fair. I can't be...that. I can't."

That was it, and they both knew it. She couldn't go, and she couldn't let him stay. She was the last thing holding him back, and she couldn't...wouldn't let herself be the thing that held him long enough for him to get caught up in it again. She wouldn't let herself sit here waiting for him, maybe even resenting him, not living her own life because they'd been too afraid to let go.

Holding onto each other would hold them both back.

"I am sorry, vhenan. I am...I am so sorry." He apologized, words fracturing between the heavy shudders of his chest. "If only I were stronger..."

"No. Doing what...doing what you have to do isn't weak. Don't you dare talk about yourself like that." She denied, fingers fisting in his shirt, clinging tightly. "But...I need you to...just...you just have to promise me one thing..."

There was anger, and she held onto it desperately, using it to keep her upright. Anger at this stupid fucking situation, anger at his family, at all the ways they'd messed him up. He barely knew who he was because of it. He never even got a chance to know what love looked like, but he'd done his best for her, and so she'd do the best she could for him.

She would show him what it was, one last time, by making him go.

It was the only thing she could do to help.

"Anything." He agreed, forehead resting against hers as he pulled back, and she forced herself to meet his eyes somehow. It hurt, but she needed to look at him, needed to force him to see what she wanted him to, reflected in her eyes. Their eyes met, and his words continued, choked, "Anything, vhenan."

Gathering up the words from somewhere deep inside herself, she clung to his shirt almost violently, shaking him lightly as she spoke. It wasn't a wish, it wasn't a hope, it was a fucking demand. If she was going to lose him, he was going to make it _worth_ the pain.

"Be..." She told him, forcing every bit of her pride and love into the words, give him every ounce of fierce determination she could. "Be _incredible_."

When he kissed her, she crumbled, tears spilling against his lips and hers. She always knew it was her that would have to break it, but even so she let it go on too long. Soft, trembling, and then fierce and devouring, he kissed her until she tore herself away, lips throbbing, heart broken. Tears on her cheeks, but they weren't hers or his, but both of theirs together. His arms held her desperately, but fell away in defeat when she turned her back to him and pushed against his shoulder, forcing him away.

He watched her go, and she could hear him crying as she pushed up the window and climbed through it. It slammed shut under her hands, closing out the sound, and her eyes slid aside before she could see him one last time.

She probably wouldn't ever be able to forgive herself for running away like that, but she knew he already had.

  


  


 

The world wasn't fair.

That was something she'd known forever, it felt like, a lesson that she had to keep learning over and over again. Ellie just wished it could be for once.

She couldn't say goodbye, which she knew was cowardly, huddling on the roof, knees pulled up to her chest as she watched the distant figures at his car. Body cold, knees aching, she let everything sink in from a distance, knowing that if she got any closer she'd try to go with him. She watched him hug Cassandra and Sebastian, watched him load up his life into his car. Well, every bit of it but her.

She watched him watch her, once he was behind the wheel, until he drove away at last.

No goodbye. She didn't want one.

And then she stared at the road and cried until Sebastian came and found her and pulled her back inside again. It didn't matter, because by then she couldn't see any more. He left her his sweatshirt and a letter that she didn't read, and took the map down off the wall with him.

She kept crying, until she couldn't cry any more.  


He wrote to her once, a month later, and then she asked him not to again.

  


And life kept going.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. It means the world to me. I hope you've enjoyed it. The epilogue will be up on Saturday.
> 
>  
> 
> [ Here's some music. ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6BwAWiHcSg)


	43. Chapter 43

I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I let him choose our meeting place. Some sort of gleaming, recherche mid-town bistro? A chef's first urbane outing near the warehouse district that would be crawling with trendsetters a month from now? An epicurian paradise, some dark den of demiurgic small plates? After all, he is a modern explorer, the sort of man that can delve into the beating heart of a city and discover things that no one knew were there. When I arrive at the destination, I find myself surprised.

A plain brick diner in the middle of a residential block, it seems fairly plain and unassuming. Not quirky enough to be bohemian, not upscale enough to be trendy, it looks a neon sign away from a franchise license.

And then, there is the person himself. A professional persona is nowhere in evidence, and I find waiting for me a man that would not look out of place pushing a stroller downtown, or wandering through a farmer's market. The Black Wardens t-shirt I have a feeling was the inspiration for, not the product of those artificially distressed shirts found at chain stores populated by vacant-eyed teens, and his jeans are only fitted and faded by time, not some store-bought artifice. The piercings in his ears are uneven, five in one, three in the other, and his right arm is inked with a monochrome full sleeve of odd, labyrinthine designs. He has no other visible ink, no other jewelry, though there are holes that indicate there are at times more of the latter- a silent history written in scars. When he greets me he smiles, remote and sardonically wise, and despite all my expectations, against all odds, I find he is exactly as his written voice sounds. He is authentic, that is the only word for it, and in a world of carefully crafted facades.

I remember hearing him speak once before, which is an opportunity not many people have had. At the time I thought there was something affected about it, the urbane, sonorous voice, but hearing it in a private setting and with him personally in front of me makes me realize that it's not any sort of pretense. He chooses his words with scrupulous precision, and it makes me wonder why he chooses to write his voice and shies away from speaking it. There is a smooth gravitas to it that brings a natural poetry to his words, no matter how mundane the topic.

"They have excellent pie here."

It isn't the greeting I expect, but I am beginning to realize that all of my preparation has to be thrown out the window, along with any perceived notions of what I might encounter. And so, I order the pie. I've never been a connoisseur of this particular pastry, but his pronouncement proves to be correct. It is, indeed, excellent pie. Eventually, as such things must go, I gently begin a conversation about his work. Compliments fall on humbly deaf ears, but it's when I bring up his detractors that he seems to engage. It brings life to his eyes, to that enigma of a fractional smile.

"The loudest critics of your work always seem to attack your framing."

"Ah, yes. What is the usual turn of phrase?"

"A manufactured sense of intimacy. You have to admit the way you truncate the beginning and end of your chapters is a bit jarring. Like walking into the middle of a story, or interrupting people in the midst of a conversation."

"That is exactly what it is, yes. How astute of you."

"You're saying there's a complete version of them out there somewhere?"

"I suppose you could claim that. Not that I consider what I publish incomplete, but it is only the...relevant parts."

"Relevant? Some might disagree with that. _Some_ people would love to see the longer version."

"I am afraid that would be impossible. I remove the parts I consider private, not as an invitation to pry. They are letters, it is understandable that some sections might be too personal."

"I always assumed that was just a stylistic choice. It does work well with your literary voice."

"Thank you. And before you ask, no, I will not be telling you any more about them."

For some that might be an invitation to seek more information, but the quiet finality of his words is striking in its bare simplicity. There is something very giving and yet subtle in the way he expresses his emotions, without reluctance, what little he chooses to share with me entirely genuine. We talk for a time of nothing, and he seems delighted to share this nowhere diner with me, trapped somewhere between the genteel poverty of the more gracefully aged low income districts, and the bohemian artifice of midtown gentrification.

He tells stories. It's the first thing I notice, once I stop fixating on the way he speaks and I listen to the content. We're discussing nothing in particular, but everything he says has a story attached to it. I ask about his hotel, just a bit of small talk, but before I realize it he's explaining the storied history of the building in question. This isn't a man that stays at the chain hotel, no matter how many stars it has. He steeps himself in history and treasures it, as his books do for the far corners of Thedas, prising out the treasures to be found there and bringing them to light. A curator, with the whole world as his museum.

...

In time, the particular mixture of gregariousness and avoidance becomes somewhat frustrating on a personal level. I am an interviewer, and not used to having my inquiries deftly sidestepped, only to be distracted by some fascinating tangent. The discussion wanders, like a road built around the landscape of his invisible barriers rather than cutting through them. I eventually give up the attempts to navigate them, and allow his subtle manipulation to lead the way. It may be my imagination, of course, but when I quit the field and leave the conversation to his direction, I can almost see that ever-present edge of a smile turn sly.

But, as such things have to go, eventually I return to try and bring it back to the mundane, in this instance being the gallery exhibition at Third Street. Or, more specifically, the fact that on the opening evening much to the amusement of the internet, and the annoyance of a patron, he decided to purchase one of his own paintings instead of letting it be sold.

When I ask if it was a publicity stunt, he only smiles and once again changes the subject, or so I think.

"We all have turning points. Times that will forever be memorable, simply because they changed the course of our lives so completely...that everything about them retains a special significance. Sometimes dramatic, sometimes subtle, but always with a lasting impression."

"Especially the people in them, I'd imagine?"

"Ah, yes, that seems to be a common question. Yes, especially the people in them. Of course, some leave a more enduring mark than others."

"I'm guessing you know where this is going. Or...still going."

"Very well. Despite claims, it wasn't a...cry for attention to remove the painting from the gallery. It happens more often than you might think. Unfortunately, the internet just happens to have made a bit of a fuss about it."

"It is a beautiful painting."

"Thank you."

"You've always been a bit private, understandably considering how much of your life is already public in your books, but you have to admit, putting a painting like that out and then refusing to sell it has made people a bit curious. It is so...incredibly different than your other work."

"I expect that they will forget quickly. The public has a fickle attention span."

"So...if I asked who she is, you probably won't tell me, I'm guessing."

"An important moment of my life. There isn't much more I feel comfortable saying, no. Other than that I was...surprisingly unwilling to part with it. It seems time doesn't heal all wounds."

"So what do you do, when time doesn't heal it?"

"An excellent question."

  


  


It was her last appointment of the day, and she was starting to struggle a little. Hadn't slept much last night, and a few stressful visits today. Luckily, Dany just felt like coloring, so they were seated at the activity table on pillows, quietly drawing. He'd obliged when she'd asked if they could draw their homes, but he didn't seem pleased about it. The progress was...seriously a relief though, even though his brother was still being stubbornly suspicious.

Ellie needed a visit to go well today. She was feeling a bit stretched thin.

She understood the suspicion, and like she told their foster mother again and again, it just took time. Alan was older, and he'd been taking care of his brother and sister for a long time. That instinct to hold everything together and to keep them safe was something Alan had needed for a long time, but it meant his trust was a hard thing to win. Time and patience was needed, and proof that she would still be there for them.

Dany hadn't touched the purple crayon, and she knew it was his favourite.

"That's a pretty house." Ellie decided after a few moments of quiet observation, keeping her voice low and even. "It looks a lot like this one, is it yours?"

When the little boy shook his head violently and reached for a new crayon, she gave a small 'hmm' under her breath, head tilting to the side as she observed the picture.

"I don't know, Dany. There's Genevive, and your puppy, and your sister and brother...it looks like your house to me." Gently she reached out with two fingers and selected the purple crayon herself, offering it to him. "How come you haven't drawn yourself?"

"She's not my mom." The little boy replied sullenly, reaching for the crayon and yanking it out of her hand, setting it aside.

He hadn't slapped it from her fingers, which was more progress, a relieving thing. Signs that things were working. She made a small sound of understanding, and picked up a green crayon herself, going back to her picture. They colored in silence for a time, as she added another flower to her garden, and he drew a car.

"Alan says if I'm bad, she'll make us leave." Dany told her quietly, and she gave a small 'hmm'. She knew better than to push even a little by now, he didn't react well to it. "She likes Hannah best."

"Why do you think that is?" She asked curiously, setting the green crayon aside and reaching for the red.

"Alan says Genevive said on the phone that she doesn't know how to handle boys so she's gonna send us back and keep Hannah." Dany finally confessed to her, staring at his paper.

"Is that what Genevive said, or is that what Alan said?" She inquired patiently, stifling a sigh. She really needed to work more with Alan to try and make some headway on this, but she only got so much time with each of them. "You remember, we talked to Genevive about this before? She's never had a little boy before, so she's excited to have both of you? She always wanted a big family."

"S'what Alan said." Dany replied with sullen six year old spite, staring at his picture.

"Do you think maybe Alan is scared, too? It's okay to be scared. But I know...Genevive is trying her best. She wanted all three of you _so_ much to be a part of her family, and for her to be a part of yours. It's not always easy, though, is it? Sometimes words just don't mean anything, even though people tell us they do. It can be hard to believe in words." Absently reaching for the blue, she added another flower, critically eyeing it as she shaded in the petals. "Remember how we talked about listening to actions and not just words?"

"Alan says actions don't say words." Dany said stubbornly, and she stifled an exasperated sigh.

"Really? I don't know. When I get a big hug from someone, that feels like an 'I love you'. When someone remembers my favourite food, that says they were listening." Ellie replied musingly, grabbing a stray crayon before it fell off the table. "When someone is kind to me, that says they care about me."

"Genevive didn't make me eat a hotdog." Dany finally admitted, in a small voice, "Even though I got mad and said I hate her when she made it."

"She didn't know before that you didn't like them. She didn't understand, but she listened, didn't she? Even though she doesn't know why, she respects that you don't want it." Ellie replied, fighting back a surge of relief. It was working, then, bit by bit. If they could finally be home, all three of them together, she might just bloody well find religion. Alan was hitting the teenage years, it would only get harder to help them.

"Uh huh...Miss Ellie?"

"Yeah, Dany?"

"I don't wanna stay but...I don't wanna go." He said quietly, fear in his words.

"I know, buddy." She replied, making herself as stony-faced as she could manage, fighting back the instant echoing emotion, "Staying can be even scarier than going someplace new."

"Yeah." He agreed, and then finally reached for the purple crayon.

It wasn't much, but it was a start.  


 

Ellie knew what day it was. Oh boy, did she know what day it was.

It was a day she'd been preparing for for over a month. Heck, it was a day she'd been preparing for for a decade. The hints had started a couple months ago, the suggestions, even her sister getting involved at one point. Maybe she'd always known it would happen one day, it certainly felt like that. She'd been trying for ages to subtly deflect it, though, and was hoping it would be enough.

When the call came after work, though, all of her attempts turned out to be in vain.

"Carlo's House of Pain, you snog 'em, we flog 'em." She answered cheerfully, for no other reason than to enjoy the exasperated noise on the other end. "Hey Cass, what's up? Dinner tomorrow, I thought, after the zoo?"

"We have been dancing around this for weeks, Ellana, so I am simply going to come out and say it." Cassandra replied briskly without any lead-up, and she heaved a sigh, shifting her purse up her shoulder as she headed out into the plaza outside the office. "We are going to see Solas tonight. We would like you to come join us. Both of you, if you can?"

"Whew, that was pretty abrupt!" She agreed with a laugh, stomach sinking a little, despite how well she'd prepared herself for it. The seven twenty passed in the street up ahead, and she picked up her pace. Five minutes to her bus, then. "Sorry, I can't say that I will, and you know she's not up for company. Don't worry about saying hi for me or anything, either."

"How long is this going to continue? When was the last time you two even spoke?" Cassandra asked her pointedly, and she gave a small, embarrassed laugh.

"Never? I'm sorry, Cass, I know this doesn't fit in with your narrative, but we literally haven't spoken in ten years. There's nothing to say." She'd planned this conversation out, but it was still bothering her. "I'm glad you guys have reconnected properly, but really, please don't drag me in with you. I've got so much going on..."

"I would think that after ten years there would be more to say, not less." Cassandra snapped briskly, and then gentled her voice with a sigh. "Very well, Ellana. I only..."

"Sometimes things end, Cass. And sometimes even though you know it's for the best, it still hurts. It hurt me for a long time." She declared, forcing herself to keep her voice earnest, and calm, not slip into any sort of self-pity. "Now? I am so incredibly grateful he's happy and doing well. That's enough for me."

"If only you would _see_ each other..." Cassandra started, frustration leeching into her voice. "You cannot even be friendly? He is leaving town the day after tomorrow. You have always been so stubborn about this."

"I'm happy to enjoy his work and keep my memories. Cass, this isn't a movie. I've already got my happily ever after, nothing's missing." There was a pause, and then she sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, I've got to get going. I need to get the bird, and then start in on the pile of paperwork waiting for me."

"Are...things going well, with the estate? The lawyer I recommended..."

"Is great. Everything's fine! I just want to make sure I can cover things if Mira lets this all get to her. I don't want her to feel like she has to struggle to be perfect while dealing with mom passing." She sighed, moving to stand by the shelter, resisting the urge to lean. She'd end up dirty. "She's taking this harder than me. Well, I mean, no one takes it easy, but..."

"I understand. Your mother was ill for a very long time...Mira will be fine. Her grades, extracurriculars, everything is in line. She and I went over it thoroughly this summer." A pause, and she knew Cassandra was revving up for one last attempt. Ellie didn't bother interrupting her. "Just come for dinner. Please? Varric will be there, you have wanted to meet him, haven't you? I believe you have met Cullen, he will be there...it will not be awkward at all."

"You didn't tell anyone we knew each other, did you? Cassandra!" Irritation rose, but she soothed it back.

"No! No, of course not, I..." Cassandra began, and then sighed. "I am sorry. Would it truly be so terrible?"

"I'm sorry too, Cass. I think it's just better if we stay apart. He's got a good thing going, and I am so...so proud of him." A soft exhale of frustration escaped her lips, and she shook her head. "Sometimes I think about it, too, but I mean...there's a reason he hasn't contacted me all this time. He reinvented himself. Got away from that part of his life."

"There will be other people there to talk to, if it is awkward."

"Cass, I don't know if you've noticed, but our social circles don't actually...overlap much any more. I'd probably just be the weird person standing in a corner." Ellie laughed, trying to make it sound less pathetic than she thought it did.

"You do not have a social circle, Ellana. This is me attempting to remind you of what that is."

"Ooh, ouch! And force a weird reunion in front of a bunch of strangers." She retorted, letting a bit of the sharpness peek through. "Listen, maybe we can give it a try...sometime without the college ex boyfriend I'll look like a loser in front of. Okay?"

You are not..." Cassandra retorted irritably, and then stopped, sighed, and relented at last. "I...give up. Very well, Ellana. I will see you tomorrow. Ten thirty, do not forget."

"I set an alarm. We should be back from our jog about ten, so that should give us just enough time. Thanks for doing this. I really need the time to sort some things out."

"It is not a problem, it is a privilege. You know that. Good night, Ellana."

"Night, Cass. Have a good party."

She was grateful to hear the click, no matter how much she loved Cassandra. There wasn't much cope left at the moment, she really couldn't spare any to think about trying to unpack a ten year old piece of baggage. _Piece_. Yeah right.

More like a whole train full of the stuff.

  


  


"...And that interview? Painful!" Varric laughed, as they headed up the sidewalk from his car, shaking his head. "You railroaded the guy good, though, I gotta say. Talk about fawning. It was like reading someone trying to seduce a thesaurus in the back seat of their dad's car."

"Awkward, to say the least." Solas agreed with a laugh, shaking his head as he let the other man step ahead of them as they turned up the front walk. "I knew what I was walking into, I suppose, I have read his work before."

"Enh, we do the interviews they tell us to do, I guess. So you and Cassandra went to college together, huh?" Varric asked, "Strangest coincidences, I swear. There's always a new one in this city."

The narrow town house loomed above them, classic brick, completely lacking in a front yard. Standard, for the city. It suited Cassandra, very neat and orderly, but he couldn't imagine settling somewhere like this himself. He would much prefer somewhere with a little more space.

"Indeed. A small world, it seems. I am glad some of that acquaintance has been of use to you." He replied, trying to force himself to focus. He had been preparing for this after all. There was nothing strange about it, seeing someone again after ten years apart. They were adults. "Sebastian and I were fraternity brothers, before I left Haine."

"No shit? Huh. I guess I can see him tooling around in a frat, if it was a boring one. More so than you, no offense." Varric declared, moving to get the door for him. "Gonna be a pretty small group tonight, Cassandra said you weren't feeling up for crowds."

"I have never been particularly attached to my birthday. I never celebrated it when I was younger." He admitted, nodding his head politely as he stepped inside. "I confess to being surprised, Cassandra said that you two have had...difficulties in getting along."

"Being grilled in a courtroom by someone can make things a bit touchy, yeah." Varric responded dryly, shaking his head. "Remind me not to get on her bad side again."

"I shall do my utmost!" He promised, forcing a hint of joviality in his voice to cover the nerves. "Though if she is of a mind to take offense..."

"I'm probably screwed." Varric finished, shrugging off his coat. "Well, into the fray, huh?"

"Yes." He agreed mildly, trying to calm both mind and stomach with an even tone of voice. "Into the fray."

Both nerves and preparation, however, seemed to be for nothing.  


 

Ellana wasn't there.

Why he should be surprised by that, he didn't know. She'd made her position thoroughly clear without saying a word. When over a half dozen mutual acquaintances refused to speak to you about a person, it sent a very clear message. He would, of course, much rather hear it from her, but her absence spoke volumes.

At least, he thought it did, until something caught his attention on an end table just inside the entryway.

Cassandra was still speaking, apologetically, but he wasn't listening, eyes fallen on the picture in its delicate silver frame. She lapsed into silence as he stepped forward and picked it up, eyes tracing over features far too familiar despite a decade of distance. Features refined, smaller and softer...some differences, of course, but the eyes.

He knew those eyes.

He'd sketched them clumsily for months, and then with more skill until he finally tried to put them aside. She'd crop up, now and again, unexpectedly crashing into his mind, a bit more gently every time. Edges softened by time, memories warm and comforting, not painful. A part of his past. What sometimes felt like the most important part of it, the catalyst that had turned his past into his future. She'd changed everything.

_And she had a daughter._

"Her name is Wren. She is two." Cassandra informed him, and he snapped back into focus, glancing aside. "I believe it may be part of why she did not...she is very protective. Sometimes too much so, I think."

"Well, that is Ellana." He agreed quietly, reverently setting the photograph of the beaming child that was very much her mother's miniature back down on the table. "You see them often?"

"You know Ellie?" Varric interrupted abruptly from behind him, and as they both turned he took a half step back at the dire frown on Cassandra's face. "Woah, calm down there."

"I left a bit before her first year at Haine had finished." Solas replied, taking his cue from Cassandra's expression. Ellana didn't want anyone to know, then, or at least Cassandra thought as much. That was fair. "We knew one another. I wasn't aware you were acquainted."

"Small world..." Varric muttered musingly, and then shook his head. "Not really, actually, I don't think we've ever spoken. She's a...friend of a friend. She knows Daisy...Merrill and her wife Isabela. Introduced them, actually. I don't actually remember if we've ever met in person."

"You would remember." Solas assured him quietly.

Varric gave a faint 'huh', and then waved to both of them and wandered out of the entry as someone called to him from the other room.

"She is stubborn." Cassandra declared, abruptly so exasperated that he couldn't help but smile. "I should go see to the rest of the guests. Thank you for coming, Solas. Please, come have a drink."

"Thank you for having me." He said, slightly more at ease than her. She would warm up again, he had no doubt of it.

He was turning to follow her when his eyes caught sight of a cell phone plugged in and resting on a coffee table behind a couch. Cassandra's, no doubt. Rude to even consider it, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, after all.

"Stubborn. Well..." He murmured, glancing back at the picture again, "So am I."

  


  


**Unknown Caller**

  


07:13 Some things never change. When will you stop tormenting Cassandra?

 

_07:58    Never_

_07:58    She's not really that upset, is she?_

07:59    Frustrated, I believe, but no, not upset.

_08:03    Good, I was about to feel bad :P_

_08:04    Happy Birthday falon. You shouldn't go snooping in people's phones to get my number._

08:05    She never knew I borrowed it, and thank you. I wish you would have come. Cassandra told me you were going to, I'd gotten myself prepared and everything.

_08:05    The last thing I need is to make a fool of myself in front of people because I haven't seen you since I was a wee pain in the ass. There might be tears. It'd be horrifying :)_

08:06    I understand. I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, but...

08:06    I would like to see you, Ellana.

_08:11    Big famous artist/writer/king of the hipsters or whatever else you're doing these days wants to see his lame college ex girlfriend?_

08:12    Please don't tell me that is why you don't want to see me. Really?

_08:13    No. Solas, the fact that you've texted me out of nowhere has turned me into a bloody mess. We haven't spoken in ten years I just lost my mother I don't know if you're expecting some sort of pat on the back friendly reunion but I'm not emotionally equipped for that._

08:16    I heard. I'm so sorry, Ellana. I will leave you alone, if that's still what you want. Forgive me if I don't consider a 'please don't write to me' ten years ago to be a complete dismissal. If that it was what it was meant to be, I will respect it. You have but to say the word. I just want to hear it from you.

_08:18    I don't know what you want. You know what I told you when you tried to write me. It's not a punishment you know I am so so proud of you. I am so incredibly proud of you._

_08:19    I guess I just don't see 'Solas and Ellana become happy pals' being in the cards._

08:22    So that is it?

_08:34    I don't know._

_08:35    I actually have a present for you. I've had it for four years. Pathetic right? I just haven't felt brave in a while. Been too busy being in survival mode. I've got a family to worry about. I can ship it to you if you want._

08:42    I will be free by midnight. Send me your address and I will come by, if you do not, I will not. Fair?

_09:22    When did you get so confident? Just going straight for the throat, aren't you?_

09:25    It took some work.

_09:26    Have a good time._

09:27    Cassandra's home is covered in pictures of your daughter. She is beautiful.

_09:28    She is isn't she? Now pay attention to your bloody birthday party._

09:28    As you command.

09:28    I am not a hipster.

  


 

Ellie was regretting it the instant she sent Solas her address.

Completely, and utterly regretting it. Not enough to tell him not to come, but that may have been just because she was distracted. Currently by a small hand being smashed against her cheek, while the word 'NO' was screamed ad nauseum. The oral gel attempt nearly got her finger bitten off, the baby painkiller was angrily spit all over the front of her shirt, and she was pretty sure Mira had _never_ been this bad.

Molars were the worst.

When the knock at the door came, she was torn between amusement and tears. She had a feeling he'd take one look at her and turn around and leave. At this point, she wouldn't blame him. She was a _mess_.

Wiping the refused medication on her thigh, she shifted Wren to her hip and ignored the litany of angry two year old spite, now buried against her shoulder. She was exhausted and in pain, she couldn't blame her for it, really. Being a toddler was a tough job. She just wished she knew where she'd picked up the word 'stupid'.

It was easier to steel herself with the distraction of the baby, at least, swallowing the bile in the back of her throat and swinging open the door.

She'd thought she'd steeled herself at least, but when the door swung open and her eyes met his, she forgot everything. Including how to breathe, it seemed. Pulse pounding, heart in her throat, they continued staring at each other for what was probably seconds, but felt like an eternity.

It was him.

In the flesh, blue eyes and the hint of a smile that slowly faded from his mouth. A thousand memories carefully put away where they couldn't bother her suddenly crowded to the forefront, demanding to be remembered, and clamoring all the louder when she smiled abruptly, a pained quirk of her lips that he echoed with a small, shuddering exhale that might have been a laugh.

He looked _good_.

The moment was ruined, thankfully, by the abrupt backwards arch of an exhausted, pathetic toddler, forcing her to pull up her other hand before Wren toppled out of her grip.

"Teething." She explained awkwardly when she untied her tongue, stepping back from the door, relieved by the fact that there was no need for a proper greeting. Children had their uses. "Down at seven, and then up at ten. You can come in if you still want."

"Is there anything I can do?" He asked instantly, following after her, leaving her torn between relief and annoyance.

Of _course_ he was asking. Of course.

"Yes, thank you. If I can get the painkiller into applesauce without her seeing, I think she'll eat it. The juice didn't work, but she's groggier now. I'll put her in her room, if you can just...make sure she doesn't get out...She's just _very_ attached right now."

"Or I could hold her for you." He pointed out, a hint of amusement wending its way through the quiet, composed voice. "If she will allow it, of course."

"She generally likes strangers more than she likes me." She replied, letting her frustration leech into her voice. "Even more contrary than I am. Are...are you sure?"

"Ellana."

The single word nearly made her tear up despite the exasperation in it. It was so goddamn familiar it was almost unfair, the sound of her name on his lips, the slow roll of the syllables. She knew she was being ridiculous, it'd been ten years, but it'd been a long month. Hell, it'd been a long few years. Not that she regretted any of them, but they'd left her pretty emotionally vulnerable.

Reluctantly, gaze averted from him to her daughter, she gently untwined arms from around her neck. The watery, red eyes fixed on hers made her feel awful, but the quivering lower lip was comical enough to even it out. With her free hand, she smoothed tangled hair back from the flushed, sweaty face.

"Birdy, this is Solas. Can you go to Solas for a minute for mamae?" She asked hopefully, and was rewarded with one of those abrupt sidelong lunges that used to terrify the hell out of her.

Somehow he caught the toddler under her outflung arms before Ellana toppled over, and she reluctantly released Wren to his grip. Not because she was afraid of her daughter being upset, oh no, she knew Wren too well for that. It was more the fact that whatever Solas had _intended_ , he now had a pair of chubby arms twisted around his neck and a crying face mashed into his shoulder.

She always enjoyed having someone new to feel bad for her.

Rather than enjoy his bewildered expression, because it made Ellie uncomfortably aware of the fact that he was still almost disturbingly attractive to her, she turned on her heel and headed for the kitchen, gesturing.

"Best set her at the table, or she'll destroy the furniture. Thanks for carrying her and distracting her. Some days I swear I need six pairs of arms." She declared, voice catching despite her attempts to keep it calm. "I...I'm sorry. I doubt this was what you were expecting."

"I could reassure you, but ah...if I had expectations, no, this would not be it." Solas admitted, and she gave a small laugh, though it hitched halfway through. "Thank you for having me over. I would apologize for it being so late, but it seems you would be up regardless."

"It's those back molars. Stubborn, painful things. She's also older than last time this happened, which makes her a lot harder to medicate. Used to be I could just slip it in her sippy cup, but the instant she tastes it the cup goes flying." Pulling open the fridge, she dug out the jar of applesauce. "Bath didn't work, backrub didn't work, not even the lullabies, so now we...Birdy, will you please sit in your chair?"

The faint 'no' was unsurprising, and she gave an irritated sigh, shaking her head. The clinginess was new, but she knew it was only a phase. It might have worried her, if Wren hadn't always been such an outgoing little thing. Thumping down the jar on the counter, she reached back and hastily scooped her hair up into her clip again, the wee one's thrashing about having made a mess of it.

"She isn't bothering me. We can sit together if that is all right with you, Ellana." Solas decided in an even, more comfortable voice, without the forced joviality some people had when talking to children. "Is that all right, da'len?"

"Y's." Wren agreed faintly, and then gave a little, pitiful sniffle. "S'ow my mowf."

"I am very sorry to hear that. I heard Cassandra is taking you to the zoo tomorrow?"

Reminding herself repeatedly that she should be horribly uncomfortable, she discreetly pulled out the bottle of liquid pain medicine and tipped a small amount into the plastic bowl, pouring applesauce over it. It was just...hard to be uncomfortable while listening to him very calmly discussing a trip to the zoo with her daughter. How could he do that? Just slide right in without acting even a little off balance, after ten bloody years.

He was so damn composed that it almost made her mad.

"Y's. Weffafen." Wren agreed, between little hiccuping snuffles.

"Ell-a-phant, Birdy." She corrected absent-mindedly, stirring the medicated applesauce, grateful that the idiots who made this baby painkiller crap had finally made a clear version.

Wren could spot the orange-red 'medicine' color a mile off, and the last thing she needed was more food on the ceiling.

"Ewwafan."

"Ah. They are your favourite?" He inquired, and then continued at the faint 'yes', "An excellent choice. I, myself, enjoy watching the otters."

"Not the wolves?" She couldn't help the impish little tease, spilling past her lips unbidden as she turned towards the table. Their eyes met, but she averted hers before she could see the smile reach his lips, setting down the bowl of applesauce. "I know, I am being weird as h...eck, I just didn't have time to prepare for this, and..."

"Sauce, yes pweese fank you." Wren declared approvingly, much to her relief, and dragged the bowl closer.

Habit had her leaning in to reach for it before it could tumble off the table, but Solas had already scooted the toddler closer to the table, and then moved the bowl back. Ellana withdrew her hand, a little awkwardly, fingers curling in towards her palm.

"I was a bit of a bully about it." He admitted quietly, as Wren began shoveling applesauce into her mouth, dripping down her chin. "I was afraid if I wasn't, you would not give me a chance."

"I didn't want to. I mean...look at my life, Solas. Nine to fiving? Single mom? Not exactly exciting." She declared dryly, glancing down at her stained, sticky t-shirt. "What can I say? I'm surrounded by people with _infinitely_ more interesting lives than me, it seems like."

"Cassandra said you're a counselor for children in the foster system?" He asked, and she gave a small, embarrassed shrug, "Forgive me if I sound ignorant, but how could that possibly be boring? I cannot think of many more difficult or important jobs."

"I used to be a _lot_ more exciting." She declared with a hint of exasperation, and couldn't find it in herself to begrudge his laugh, a small grin touching her lips as well. "I...I dunno. I'm not the person you used to know. You got more interesting, I got less. I guess it makes me feel weird. Don't want to be a disappointment. Or something."

"As if you could." He replied dryly, "I've been here less than five minutes and I'm already feeling oddly jealous."

"Jealous?" Rising to her feet once she was content that Wren would stay, avoiding lingering over the sight of her perched on his knee, she turned away for the laundry room. "I can't imagine why."

Opening the folding door, she stepped in and half closed it behind herself, grimacing at the laundry waiting for her. She'd been awfully stubborn about not hiring a maid service once a week, but the older Wren got, the more sensible it seemed. Not now, though. She had more important things to worry about, money-wise, she had to make sure all of the estate stuff was handled.

Stripping off her filthy t-shirt, she tossed it on top of the pile, and crouched down to open the dryer.

"No? Well, perhaps I'm getting old. I am beginning to feel the urge to buy a house somewhere and hide for a few years." He confessed, voice lifted a little.

"I wiw go hide." Wren declared abruptly, with the rattle of a spoon in her bowl. "Counting one...two..."

"We are not playing peek-seek, birdy. Eat your sauce and then bed." She replied firmly, well used to toddler interruptions. Finally finding a shirt, she yanked it on over her head, blowing hair out of her face as she ducked back out of the laundry room. "I don't see why you don't? It's your life. Who's going to stop you?"

"The more things change, the more they stay the same." He sighed in response, and she grinned, eyes meeting his.

This time it wasn't quite so uncomfortable, but she could only linger for a few seconds before she had to glance away, turning her attention to Wren who was starting to droop over her bowl.

"C'mon Birdy, let's clean your face. Your mouth will feel better soon." She suggested, hoping her daughter was tired enough not to scream when she tried to pull her out of Solas' lap.

Wishful thinking, that.

 

  


Twenty minutes later, the battle was won, but the casualties were high. Wren was sleeping peacefully in her own room, in her crib, which was a victory all its own. This little attachment phase and the disturbingly spider-like climbing ability was hell on Ellie's desire to get a full night's sleep without an invader in her bed. An invader that liked to kick. Solas' shirt was now covered in applesauce, but he didn't seem to be bothered, offering her a hand up as she pulled up onto her knees. It took her a second to accept, but she did, swinging to her feet with a sigh, immediately releasing his hand afterwards.

"It's mommy juice o'clock. I'm so glad Cass is taking her out tomorrow, I am going to nap so hard." She sighed, and then caught the strange look being cast her way, and grinned. "Alcohol. Alcohol is mommy juice. Can I get you a glass of wine or a beer or something?"

"I certainly wouldn't say no." Solas replied comfortably, adding as he followed her out, "Though a towel might be welcome as well."

"Sure, no problem." She agreed, a sidelong glance catching him examining the few pictures on the wall. "You can ask, you know. I know Cassandra wouldn't have said anything."

"It feels a bit invasive to be curious about."

Heading back into the kitchen, she yanked open a drawer and fished out a kitchen towel, tossing it over the island to him. Their eyes met, yet again, and she shook her head lightly with a grin she didn't bother hiding.

"Sorry about your sweater. You're lucky it's just applesauce." She offered, and then turned with a shrug for the fridge. "She doesn't have a dad, it's just us. I'd just turned twenty four, had almost gotten married to someone who was going in a completely different direction than me, and I had to spend some time figuring out why I was in a rush."

"I wouldn't worry about the sweater. It has been through much worse." He replied, voice even and calm. "I wasn't aware that you'd almost gotten married."

"You're right, time stopped when you left, I've actually been cryogenically frozen." She teased, and then gave a little laugh at his faint sigh. "Just joking. Anyways. I spent some time working it out, and decided I was looking to...I don't know, start my own family, on my own terms. I'd already raised one kid alone, when I was a kid myself. How hard could it be? And...I didn't need to get married for that. I have good friends who have welcomed her with open arms. What more could we need?"

She heard him chuckle as she opened the fridge, and stifled a grin herself as she crouched down and fished a couple bottles out of the very back. This was okay. She could handle this, she was pretty sure. Lifting them with a clink, she popped back up to her feet and slammed the fridge.

"Why could I have expected that to go any other way? When others would see it as a series of steps with many unwritten rules and expectations, Ellana decides to cut to the heart of it." Solas declared dryly, as she rolled her eyes and reached for the bottle opener. "Ellana wants a baby, Ellana has a baby, and society can go hang."

"I'm self-aware enough these days to admit you're probably right, and sometimes to my detriment. But hey, it's worked out. We're a nice lil family of two. Three when Mira's not busy being eighteen and too cool for us." She slid a beer across the counter to him, and then opened the other, flipping off the cap. "I don't regret a single bit of it, not for a second. Not even when she's up at midnight screaming her little head off."

"Even exhausted, she's quite thoroughly charming. I can see why Cassandra is so enamored of her."

Glancing up from her bottle, she met his smile, and it held for long enough that her stupid tongue got ahead of her brain.

"Creators, you look good." She sighed, and then laughed as he glanced away and cleared his throat. "Uh. Sorry. It's just weird to see you in person after so long. I just meant...I don't know. You seem comfortable in your own skin. It's nice."

"It took me long enough, but I believe you're right." He mused, her eyes drawn to his fingers as they idly tapped on the side of his bottle. "I have been writing, mostly. Travel diaries, I suppose you could call them."

"I have your books. Did you really think I wouldn't?" She laughed, tilting her head to the side as he ducked his chin. "Or were you just being modest?"

"Perhaps a bit of both." He allowed, and she laughed again. "It is difficult not to presume, of course, but I have tried not to. I was actually surprised when I heard about your career, considering where you graduated from...but of course, it makes perfect sense for you."

"We do fine. I thought about it, getting a doctorate, finding a practice that paid better, but we're just fine. I have enough to keep our place, and the caravan, so..." She lifted her shoulders, feeling oddly embarrassed. "Why not help people who really need it instead of hoarding cash? It's a choice anyone would make."

"Ah, no. No, Ellana, it is not." The sardonic lilt of his voice made her grin, and he shook his head at her. "How is your sister?"

"She's doin' all right. Pain in my ass. Lots of questions. Why not talk about yourself?" She invited, lifting her beer for a sip.

"I do enough of that, I suppose, but you are right. I just cannot think of anything particularly interesting to say." He admitted, and she gave a small, wry laugh. "I suppose that does sound foolish when I say it out loud. Everything I think of simply feels...inadequate."

"I would point out that your life is way more interesting than mine, but I have a feeling you'd disagree. Grass greener, I guess." Ellie mused, picking at the edge of the beer's label. "Oh! Okay, so, I'm about...ninety nine percent sure I'm right about this, but if I'm wrong, you've gotta be honest with me, okay?"

Leaving her bottle behind, she ducked around the safety of the counter and headed past him. Something to do, something to distract her from staring at the corner of his mouth when he smiled. Creators, it wasn't even that he was attractive, that wasn't it. She knew plenty of attractive men. Her _nanny_ was an attractive man. It's just that every freckle and smile was a memory, too, things she'd buried down deep. It was like being around him was dragging things back to the surface again.

Things she'd abruptly realized were still tangled up in a net of emotions she'd never bothered to resolve.

The painting was as she'd left it, carefully covered and tucked in a box with styrofoam. Ready to ship, with nowhere to go. When she'd found it, it'd seemed like a miracle, but she'd second-guessed it plenty over the last few years. He'd know, if she was right, or if she was just crazy.

He watched from the doorway as she lugged the box out of the hall closet and set it down on the coffee table, folding back the flaps. The unframed canvas was painted in shades of red and violet, fading to a dark blue. The same view as the sunset one he had, the impression of a narrow city street with buildings crowding in. Honestly, she loved it enough that she'd considered keeping it herself, the colors of evening settling in, the rough texture of the paint.

It was his, though, it was meant for him.

She heard him breathe in sharply as she pulled it out of its safe cradle, and then laugh breathlessly. When he approached, she handed it over without a second's regret. It was his.

"You found one of my father's paintings." He said with quiet disbelief, warmth seeping into his voice, "Where did you...how? I have looked everywhere."

"You'll never believe me. Okay, maybe you will." She laughed, shrugging her shoulders. "I was with my...I was in Markham, on vacation. Poking around little shops just for something to do, and I found it in this little gallery slash antique shop. I knew the instant I saw it that it went with the one you had."

She blinked away a tiny bit of betraying moisture as he gazed at it. If for no other reason, she was glad she hadn't stopped him from coming for this.

"Thank you...I haven't been able to find much of his work. I have two or three more pieces, but..." His eyes met hers, and she smiled faintly. "Thank you, Ellana. I will be forever grateful for this."

"Of course." She said, nodding her head.

He'd come for a purpose, and that was it, wasn't it? It was over, it was...just like that, the moment shattered.

"It's pretty late." She heard herself saying, stepping back from the table, turning for the door, "Sorry. She doesn't really do sleeping in."

"It is late." He agreed, to her relief, following her to the door.

Casual, she could keep this up, moving to get the door for him politely, holding it wide. It felt like a proper ending, this. He had the painting she'd been hanging onto for years, they'd said hello. Now they could say goodbye and be done with it. The instant he passed the threshold, she felt both relief, and a bit of disappointment.

Both were short lived.

She was stepping back from the door when he stopped and turned to face her, making her stall awkwardly. With a half smile, she tilted her head to the side. His earnest expression made it fade, though, discomfort taking its place. This was what she'd been dreading, really. It was good, it was fragile, but good. Distant and friendly in that 'and now we'll never speak again' sort of way but then...then he took off the mask. She couldn't meet his eyes any more, that open gaze.

"I am sorry, I know..." He began, as she lifted her hand pleadingly, unable to say anything yet. "I really would rather not lie, not to you."

"I don't know what to say to you, I really don't. There's not..." Words failed her there, and she lifted a hand, raking back her hair in frustration. "Ten years. You can't pretend you know me any more. I can't pretend I know you, Solas...We're strangers."

"You cannot give me a chance? Is it really too much to ask that you closing that door doesn't mean it will never open again?"

"I have everything I need." She tried not to let her voice break, but she heard the crack anyways, shaking her head as she glanced up and aside from him, hair tumbling into her face again. "I have a whole life here that I've built for myself, and I don't need you wandering in so you can play house or whatever the fuck this is."

It was rude, and she knew it was. She'd been resigned to finding out if they could be friends or not, but for some reason it was just...sitting wrong. Unsurprisingly, shoving it all down and forcing herself to move on didn't fix it all. Who woulda guessed?

You'd think a counselor would be better at this shit.

"That is not...even remotely what is happening here." He replied, a little bit stiffly, before his voice gentled. "Please don't push me away like that. Can't we simply talk? Try...to build some sort of acquaintanceship, if not friendship?"

"There is so much...there is so much here, I...I thought it was all history, you know? Just...nostalgia and rampant hormones making it seem like a bigger deal than it was...and then you come walking in here and turn me completely upside down and you don't even have to _try_." That was almost enough to make her angry with him, until he gave a small, chagrined exhale and nodded with a rueful grimace. It wasn't just her, then. It shouldn't help, but it did. "I thought it was all so...intense just because we were dumb kids. I don't even know if I can be friends with you, everything's so damn old and unresolved. We really didn't make it easier on us with how we ended things, Solas."

"They say closure is a myth, but you are right. It was...I've never loved anyone the way I loved you, Ellana. And I have tried." He declared with a hint of exasperation, the edge of a laugh. "It took me years to take you down off of that pedestal and move on. To be fair, I have been told I am prone to wallowing...I believe you used to call it 'brooding'. The way it ended was bound to leave some scars, regardless."

"Ah, shit..." She sighed, inhaling sharply and wiping away the tears. Frustrating, those, but she could acknowledge that she'd been through a lot lately, and they would happen. "You can't _tell_ me things like that, that's not fair, Solas."

"I am trying to be honest. I don't want to lie, not to you. I do enough of that in my life, pretending to be someone who does not exist." He sighed, leaning down to rest the painting gently against the wall, straightening up again. "I have been...homeless, Ellana, for the past ten years, and I simply want to come home, to find one at last. It is time, and I...you are here. It is true, I do not know you any more, and if what you truly want is for me to leave you alone, I _will_ try. I would rather reconnect on our own terms, however, rather than accidentally and awkwardly running into one another now and again."

"Fuck. I knew I should have taken that job in Wycome." She cursed with exasperated humor, lifting a hand to try and wipe away the tears that started and refused to stop. It was frustrating how stupidly romantic this all sounded, when it was anything but. This is what they got for never resolving anything. "Damn it, Solas. I don't _need_ you."

"Ellana, I am well aware of that fact, I always have been. You never did. All I am asking for is a chance to talk." He laughed, short and frustrated, sounding about as helpless as she felt. "And if taking that chance destroys the...nostalgic memories, so be it. I would rather have the past tainted than put aside a chance for a future where you and I can be friends."

"So then what are you asking for, exactly?" She didn't want to ask, but the words were drawn from her, past the protective barrier. "I have a daughter to think about, you know. She's my first priority."

"I will be honest, what I had wanted...was just to catch up, see for myself that you were doing well. Set my mind at ease. I've worried about you." He admitted, and then gave a quiet sigh. "That was all, but it seems I underestimated how affected I would be by seeing you again. Strange, these sudden emotions, they are making this oddly complicated."

"Yeah, that seems to be the case." She agreed, still guardedly, arms wrapping around herself, blinking back a few small tears. "Trust me, you're not alone there. And frankly, it's scaring me...I don't know you any more. The fact that just seeing each other has messed me up is kind of terrifying."

"So give me a chance, let us...try to push through this. Have lunch with me today. The day after I have to go to Nevarra, so even if it is disastrous, there's no chance of running into me again until we have had time to process it and decide if we can still stand one another."

That managed to get a smile from her, and he returned it as she shifted restlessly for a few moments, finally giving an explosive sigh of defeat.

"I can't believe you show up here...when I'm a stupid mess and dealing with a grumpy kid and just knock me over. How unfair is that?" She asked, both irritated and plaintive, reaching up to rub her eyes. "Damn you."

"Ellana...I've spent the last ten years of my life travelling, and you are still the most fascinating woman I have ever met. So...the feeling is mutual." He said, sounding fairly exasperated himself.

It helped, weirdly enough.

"Covered in applesauce with a screaming kid, huh? What happened to your standards?" She teased, giving another sniff and wiping her eyes one last time. "Is the world so boring after all?"

Their eyes met, and he smiled, slowly. Despite herself and all the hard edges and instincts telling her to close the door and close him out, she returned it, just a little.

"No. Not at all." He replied simply.

"Ah, fuck it." She declared in defeat, letting out a long sigh and opening her arms. "Come here."

She heard him chuckle, but in her emotionally exhausted state it didn't do much more than give her a little twinge in the chest. Belatedly, she remembered that he'd had applesauce all over his front, sweater damp as he stepped in and let her fold him into a hug. He returned it, but cautiously, and she could feel the tension in his arms.

"I'm so proud of you." She murmured quietly, because just writing it wasn't good enough. "You did good."

She felt him sigh, long and slow, his weight momentarily resting against her shoulder. As long as she could, she just ignored her own reservations and let him. Let him rest for just a second.

"Thank you. I have always hoped I would hear that some day, Ellana." He finally told her, and then asked hopefully, "Will you see me tomorrow?"

"I'll let you know." She replied, because it was the only thing she could bring herself to say right now.

Finally he released her, and they both stepped back, her hand reaching for the door out of habit, and to steady herself. He stared at her for a few searching, almost uncomfortable seconds, and then smiled, leaning down to pick up the painting again.

"Thank you for this."

"You're welcome." She said, and then said what she should have said years ago, but had been too afraid to, "Goodbye, Solas."

This time it was him that didn't say goodbye, just smiled a little deeper and nodded his head. He turned to head up the hallway, and she watched him go, hand on the door. She was beginning to swing it closed when he abruptly stopped and turned, eyes meeting hers again. Puzzled, she tilted her head.

"Hello again, Ellana." He told her, and then turned away before she could respond, heading to the elevator.

Silenced, she watched him, fingers tightening on the door. It was almost absurd that he just pushed the button and waited, while she peered at him from around the doorway. He should retreat dramatically, fading away, but instead he idly waited, checking his watch. Of course he wore a watch, a heavy thing with a worn-out leather band.

_Hipster._

The elevator chimed, and the doors slid open. A half step forward, but then he stopped, for just a second.

He hesitated.

Ten years changed a lot of things, but most of it was the sort of thing you didn't notice until it was long gone. This wasn't one of those. She could afford to unbend and be a little braver this time.

"Hello again, Solas." She finally replied around the edge of the door, and saw the hint of a smile on his profile as he stepped into the elevator, letting the doors slide closed behind him.

  


_01:18    I'll see you tomorrow._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please stay followed <3 Next week there will be chapter with links to all the fan art I'm able to round up!
> 
> Thank you for reading, and happy holidays! [The first part of the sequel is up here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8995288/chapters/20544073)


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